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Going through some things...


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Hello,

            I wanted to discuss some things that I'm going through in my life. I'm a young guy, I'm an older soul. I am independent and support myself. Really spiritual into yoga, and meditation. I don't drink, party, smoke any of that stuff. I'm an introvert, and have never really had any close friends. I have a very small family. Just basically my parents and my uncle. My parents are moving out of the country next year, and my uncle who I have always been close with has been really distancing himself from me after he got together with his girlfriend. I only hear from him during my birthday and Christmas. He'll send me texts wishing me a happy birthday and he'll say we'll get together soon. Then I'll send a nice reply, and then he will ignore me and then we won't celebrate my birthday, and then I might see him possibly after Christmas. I've never really had a close relationship with my parents either. My mom thinks she is the greatest thing in the world, and my father supports her because she couldn't keep a job and she likes to belittle everyone. I'm also homosexual and that makes life very difficult as well. I deal with a lot of discrimination. I was in one nice relationship a couple of years ago, but my ex was having some health issues so he thought it would be better if we went our separate ways. I've been thinking about him and missing him lately.

 

           I am a full time shopper at Whole Foods. I have been working there for almost a year now. I really enjoy the work that I do. I don't really fit in at all, but I really enjoy walking around and shopping. We have nice food and products. A few months ago we got a new shopper named Kevin. He was nice looking, very quiet and seemed sweet. A lot of us shoppers don't really talk that much, but I thought he might be a cool person so I introduced myself to him. I have always really been into the Asian culture, and have had some cool coworkers over the years from different parts of Asia. My personal favorite has always been Japan. The beginning of this year I started studying Japanese, and I'm having a great time studying the language and the culture. A couple weeks later, a very sweet Asian woman came in our shopper work area. Everyone knew her(she used to work at the store as a shopper) and she was asking "how her son was doing". After she left I asked my boss who her son was, and she told me it was Kevin. Later I asked Kevin if he knew any other languages and he told me Japanese. Kevin is half white and half Japanese. I freaked out and told him about how I loved the culture and am studying the language. Over the months Kevin and I became work buddies. He was still very shy and quiet, but he felt comfortable talking with me. He would ask me for help a lot, and he would shop near where I was. Then almost everytime we were in the staging area,(where we would label the bags and put them on the shelf) he would work right next to me. That was my favorite time, because we were able to chat a little bit while we were finishing our orders. I developed feelings for Kevin, and even brought him a gift on his birthday which he really liked and appreciated. Kevin had pretty much the same schedule every week, due to school. I was happy when I got to start early in the morning so that I could work with him. 

 

            One day I wanted to see if Kevin was on social media. It turns out he is not, but I did find one picture of him that his dad posted on his twitter. I started researching his dad, who actually was a CHP officer who got into suicide prevention. He has helped prevent over 200 people from ending their lives on the Golden Gate Bridge. I'm very inspired by him, he has gone through a lot. Depression, health problems.... I was watching one video on Youtube of a presentation he did. He actually talked about how years ago that Kevin was going through an extremely hard time and was thinking about killing himself. I cried my eyes out. Kevin did seem really down from time to time at work. I wanted so badly to say something to him, but I didn't want him getting freaked out that I found out about his dads work and stuff about him. 

 

             Last month I noticed that Kevin wasn't coming into work. I thought he had covid, and was just in quarantine for two weeks and then would be back. I checked the new schedule and his name wasn't on it. Then the supervisors were talking about Kevin, and that he was sick and had to resign. I cried, I knew it was going to suck when he left but I never thought it would be this soon. The last weeks working with him were really nice. We made a lot of deep eye contact, and I was helping him one day and he held the phone up and touched my hand for a few moments. Kevin was the coolest person I've ever met. I even felt more for him then I did for the one guy I was in a relationship with. We both are both really wise for our age, and have both struggled a lot. I really wanted to message his dad about how I appreciated the work that he did, and that I enjoyed working with Kevin and hope that he is ok. I ended up following through and messaging him on Facebook. On July 4th he sent me a really nice reply. He appreciated my kind words and said "I am very happy you and Kevin had positive interactions. He certainly needs some positive influences in his life. I also hope you are able to stay in contact with him. I would like him to do just as you are, taking up meditation and yoga.  Both have helped so many people". He also mentioned that we could meet and that he'd give me a signed copy of the book that he wrote. I mentioned that I had wanted to read it. His message really made me smile. I really want to still be friends with Kevin, but I didn't want to seem forceful or pushy so I just said "Kevin is always welcome to reach out to me". He responded back saying to he was traveling for a bit, but would set something up. I'm really hoping that I can meet the dad, and chat with him. I also hope that he'll tell Kevin that I messaged him, and what I said.

              Work isn't the same without Kevin. I'm able to accept that he isn't there, but it's just hard and I miss him. We have a lot of new employees and I'm friendly but we just don't have a connection. I'm a pretty quiet person now. I'm back to how I've usually felt throughout my life. Not fitting in. My ex and Kevin, took all those had hard feelings away but now they are both gone. It's even harder now that my parents are moving to another county, and my uncle won't even talk to me anymore. Everytime I've tried to meet guys outside of work they either want to get sexual with me very fast, or they don't understand why I don't drink or party. I do prefer to be alone, but it would be nice to have one friend. That I can talk to beside just people at work. Thank you for reading. 

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I hope Kevin does reach out to you. 

But if he doesn't, is there a place you can go to meet new people? In my city there is a LGBTQ center that has all kinds of activities like bike rides, art classes, yoga, meetups at restaurants...all kinds of stuff. Is there something like that you could join? 

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Thank you blotnrun! Very nice response. Yes I'm sure there are. I know I'm not really putting myself out there. It's hard for me though because I don't really fit in. Most people my age are going to college, have a circle of friends and like to party and such... I just work, listen to music, study Japanese, go for nature walks, maybe play some video games and then go to sleep. It feels awkward for me because I don't really know what it's like to have a group of friends. Being an introvert, I usually prefer to just have one on ones with people. Also when I use to meet other gay guys outside of work most of them would come onto me, and it made me super uncomfortable. 

 

 

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Join some hobby groups or volunteer in your local neighbourhood. I think it's natural to gravitate towards people you feel you may have a kinship towards or some similar interest. If you like Japan, save up some money and travel there. Learn the language. Don't be a weird Japanophile who is obsessed about the culture or Japanese people from an armchair perspective only. Immerse yourself in it. Don't be shy and keep learning.

You seem to have gotten very attached to your coworker and I don't think it's healthy, especially if you're crying over his resignation. There is nothing wrong with feeling disappointed but keep finding new ways to keep yourself motivated and connect with your interests. 

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2 minutes ago, Ollie4545 said:

I know I'm not really putting myself out there. It's hard for me though because I don't really fit in.

These centers exist specifically for people who "don't really fit in". That's literally their purpose. I think you'd be surprised how well you'd get along with the people there. They are very welcoming and accepting. These are not dating or hookup organizations, BTW.

Why not give it a try?

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Thank you Rose! Yes I definitely hear you out. This is extremely rare for me to have some attachment to a coworker. I believe it's the second time out of my 14 years of working. Kevin is exactly the type of friend I've been looking for. His dad even want us to keep in touch. I am able to move on if I don't hear from him, but I feel like I am throwing away a good opportunity. Haha I love what you said about Japan. That has definitely been a light for me. One nice thing is I live near San Francisco, and we have Japantown that I'm able to go to. Which I really enjoy. But yes, I would freakin love to go to Japan one day. I watch a ton of videos and it is sooo beautiful there.

 

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1 hour ago, Ollie4545 said:

Thank you Rose! Yes I definitely hear you out. This is extremely rare for me to have some attachment to a coworker. I believe it's the second time out of my 14 years of working. Kevin is exactly the type of friend I've been looking for. His dad even want us to keep in touch. I am able to move on if I don't hear from him, but I feel like I am throwing away a good opportunity. Haha I love what you said about Japan. That has definitely been a light for me. One nice thing is I live near San Francisco, and we have Japantown that I'm able to go to. Which I really enjoy. But yes, I would freakin love to go to Japan one day. I watch a ton of videos and it is sooo beautiful there.

 

Very nice. Yes, go visit when you have the chance. Save up and go. San Fran is a great city, tons to see and do. 

You didn't really know Kevin and he was quiet, seemingly depressed or subdued, during the time you had worked with him. His dad shouldn't be speaking for him and if he wants to keep in touch I'm sure he will. Otherwise, onwards. Join some groups and create goals for yourself. Move past this hump and go out and explore. 

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I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. Over the years I've cried now and then over a special coworker leaving. Certain friendships can really make your day better.

I'd consider Bolt's suggestion and challenge yourself to try it out just to see if you might find more comfort than you're assuming--and this could take a few repeats. Nobody says you can't form some one-on-one friendships there, but in order to meet those people, you'll need to open a bit to doing something to meet people.

I'd also stop using my intelligence against myself to hardwire "I don't fit in..." into my story. That's self fulfilling, and I'd rather make room for the idea of finding an occasional needle in a haystack if I'm willing to do some looking for it.

Head high, write more if it helps, and consider that 'unique' does not equal 'bad'.

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I’m an extravert without a social group. And at one time without really any friends. The only way to change the no friends situation is to undertake a very long game of meeting new people. Most new people you meet won’t become your friends, that’s fine, but in making it a project to meet a lot of new people (this is a marathon, not a sprint) you stand a chance of meeting more people you click with and may even end up friends with. Don’t let your weirdness be a reason to not even try. 
 

Also, next time you meet someone like Kevin, reach out to them and ask them If they’d like to meet up for coffee or to partake in a mutual interest. This is an important step in progressing to friendship. 

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The Bay area and whole foods are about the most inclusive and open minded places there are. So it's not that.

You seem lonely and uncomfortable with your sexuality.  What you can do is broaden your horizons. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness take some classes and courses. 

You'll have to learn to make all sorts of friends and start accepting all sorts of people. Gay, straight, male, female,  etc. 

Why not join some specific lgbt groups for support? Try to be friendly to everyone, not just guys you have crushes on.

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