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My parents taught me sex is a waste of time and now I feel bad for wanting to have sex.


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Full discloser, I'm a virgin and never dated before. I'm 26.

I grew up in a weird household, I'm realizing now. My parents didn't allow me to date in high school or be sexually active in or after college, but my family cracked risque jokes with each other all the time.

My parents had effed up pasts. Lots of traumas and mistakes centered around dating and sex when they were young. (My dad knocking up his exwife at 17, marrying her, having four more kids with her by 27; my mom meeting several sh*tty men before my dad.) So there was also a general teaching of, "Don't waste your life chasing d*ck. Be smart, pursue your goals, don't be dumb like everyone else and lose yourself in favor of sex."

Like, when my sister became sexually active at 19/20 (and subsequently got kicked out for it), it was always presented as if she was wasting her life and wouldn't amount to anything.

Even though being made suddenly homeless made her drop out of university for a few years, she eventually got her degree and later became a manager at a hotel. But because she didn't reach her fullest dreams, because she's in her late 30s unmarried and surely she's been through a lot of men by now, focusing on sex starting at 20 derailed her life.

I know their way of thinking about it all is effed up but I admit some of it got in. I feel pressure to become A Great Singer (my personal passion) and that my intense sexual desire will get in the way of that. Distract me and leave me settling, and look, all I got out of it was "a wet ass and being a cum dumpster for men."

Like, I masturbate. I'm very interested in sex. I don't feel bad about sex as a technicality. But the impact of real life sexual relationships worries me a bit.

Well, I don't think it's healthy to think this way. So...

Edited by Needinghelp101
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1 hour ago, Needinghelp101 said:

So there was also a general teaching of, "Don't waste your life chasing d*ck. 

Do you live at home? Move out asap. Your parents are foul mouthed.

Do you work? Go to college? What, exactly, are you doing to pursue your goals? 

Focus on financial and emotional independence. As far as sexuality, many people, in fact most people  have sex and successful lives.

You'll have to be more realistic about an income producing profession.

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2 hours ago, Needinghelp101 said:

 I feel pressure to become A Great Singer (my personal passion) and that my intense sexual desire will get in the way of that. Distract me and leave me settling,

But the impact of real life sexual relationships worries me a bit.

I don't understand this at all. I don't understand how sexual desire, or having sex with someone will get in the way of your goals. Or distract you to that extent that you can't reach your goals. Billions of people have careers, relationships, social lives - all of which involves a normal sex life at the same time.  It doesn't "get in the way" of your job etc.

Also, what impact?  Sex is a normal part of daily life for all of us.  There is no impact (imo).

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On 7/19/2022 at 11:19 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Do you live at home? Move out asap. Your parents are foul mouthed.

Do you work? Go to college? What, exactly, are you doing to pursue your goals? 

Focus on financial and emotional independence. As far as sexuality, many people, in fact most people  have sex and successful lives.

You'll have to be more realistic about an income producing profession.

I've moved out very recently. I WFH day job separate from music and I have a degree. 

Emotional independence...what do you mean by that?

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Your parents have terrified you into think sex is the reason lives get messed up. 

It's not. It's the person's dysfunctional relationship with themsleves and the world around them that messes them up. Healthy people enjoy healthy sex lives. Unhealthy people have messy sex lives. Your sister didn't lose her way because she was too focused on sex. It's because she lacked positive and supportive parents who had emotionally healthy approaches to life. 

You might want to consider therapy. It sounds as though your parents have done a number on you and a qualified professional can help you undo the damage and cope with a healthy sex life. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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19 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Your parents have terrified you into think sex is the reason lives get messed up. 

It's not. It's the person's dysfunctional relationship with themsleves and the world around them that messes them up. Healthy people enjoy healthy sex lives. Unhealthy people have messy sex lives. Your sister didn't lose her way because she was too focused on sex. It's because she lacked positive and supportive parents who had emotionally healthy approaches to life. 

You might want to consider therapy. It sounds as though your parents have done a number on you and a qualified professional can help you undo the damage and cope with a healthy sex life. 

I think another thing that makes my parents say that is because sister went back to her birth mother who encourages reckless and unhealthy sexual behavior. (She is my half-sister.) 

But overall I agree with you.

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Consigning I imagine being kicked out for pursueing a perfectly healthy and normal biological and emotional desire was a contributing factor to your sister’s life following a different trajectory to the one imagined.

 

Not the sex. ***ty, unsupportive parents. 

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On 7/19/2022 at 8:55 PM, Needinghelp101 said:

Full discloser, I'm a virgin and never dated before. I'm 26.

I grew up in a weird household, I'm realizing now. My parents didn't allow me to date in high school or be sexually active in or after college, but my family cracked risque jokes with each other all the time.

My parents had effed up pasts. Lots of traumas and mistakes centered around dating and sex when they were young. (My dad knocking up his exwife at 17, marrying her, having four more kids with her by 27; my mom meeting several sh*tty men before my dad.) So there was also a general teaching of, "Don't waste your life chasing d*ck. Be smart, pursue your goals, don't be dumb like everyone else and lose yourself in favor of sex."

Like, when my sister became sexually active at 19/20 (and subsequently got kicked out for it), it was always presented as if she was wasting her life and wouldn't amount to anything.

Even though being made suddenly homeless made her drop out of university for a few years, she eventually got her degree and later became a manager at a hotel. But because she didn't reach her fullest dreams, because she's in her late 30s unmarried and surely she's been through a lot of men by now, focusing on sex starting at 20 derailed her life.

I know their way of thinking about it all is effed up but I admit some of it got in. I feel pressure to become A Great Singer (my personal passion) and that my intense sexual desire will get in the way of that. Distract me and leave me settling, and look, all I got out of it was "a wet ass and being a cum dumpster for men."

Like, I masturbate. I'm very interested in sex. I don't feel bad about sex as a technicality. But the impact of real life sexual relationships worries me a bit.

Well, I don't think it's healthy to think this way. So...

Shaming you, shaming your sexuality, shaming your want of a sexual relationship, was absolutely toxic of your parents, and could very well be quite damaging.

Sex is natural, wanting to have sex with someone you choose to be with, is also natural.

Sex is for reproductive purposes, but it's also for enjoyment.

Enjoyment that you should not ever feel shamed for.

It is more than possible to reach your fullest potential and meet someone for a relationship that includes sex.

Life does not have to be one, or the other.

What it comes down to is making smart choices concerning sex.

Good choices and responsible choices on what partner you choose, (something your parents obviously failed at completely.

Their failures should not be thrown onto you.

You are your own person, and you can make better choices.

You can also make choices to be responsible with intimacy and use birth control responsibility.

(Another huge failure of your parents).

I hope you are able to differentiate between the bad choices your parents made, and you being able to have a sexual relationship and it not go badly as theirs did, because you choose to do it responsibly.

They are projecting, and trying to label it as protecting you, but they are giving you the worst messages possible when it comes to sex and a sexual relationship.

It's a shame they were so careless with sex, but not everyone is and many people have had sexual relationships at younger ages and did not have their lives go badly. They still reached their full potential of the dreams they wanted to achieve.

Don't believe your parents.

I also hope you are able to find a place of your own, so you can get away from the toxic messages they keep trying to force on you.

It's not healthy at all what they have done and continue to do.

Edited by SherrySher
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4 hours ago, Needinghelp101 said:

I think another thing that makes my parents say that is because sister went back to her birth mother who encourages reckless and unhealthy sexual behavior. (She is my half-sister.) 

It sounds like your parents want to blame every bad choice in life on sex. 

This is convenient, because it shifts the blame to something other than their own flaws as parents. They don't take accountability (it seems) for their own issues and dysfunction, so they have projected it all onto sex. 

You need space from them. They have really damaged your ability to form healthy and loving relationships and enjoy a wonderful sex life. Whatever you do, do not share any personal information about your sex life moving forward. 

 

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Great songs, great voices, great performers: sex, in its rawest and most romantic forms, has historically been a potent ingredient, just as history is filled with people from all walks of life who have done extraordinary things (inventing vaccines, launching tech platforms, writing novels, raising awesome kids) while indulging in and celebrating their beautiful libidinous selves. 

We can’t choose our parents. We can, however, choose to reject whatever about them comes to seem completely bogus as we exit the realm of childhood and claim ourselves as autonomous adults. Never easy, that, but I think you’ll thank yourself for the work. 

 

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On 7/19/2022 at 9:55 PM, Needinghelp101 said:

Full discloser, I'm a virgin and never dated before. I'm 26.

I grew up in a weird household, I'm realizing now. My parents didn't allow me to date in high school or be sexually active in or after college, but my family cracked risque jokes with each other all the time.

My parents had effed up pasts. Lots of traumas and mistakes centered around dating and sex when they were young. (My dad knocking up his exwife at 17, marrying her, having four more kids with her by 27; my mom meeting several sh*tty men before my dad.) So there was also a general teaching of, "Don't waste your life chasing d*ck. Be smart, pursue your goals, don't be dumb like everyone else and lose yourself in favor of sex."

Like, when my sister became sexually active at 19/20 (and subsequently got kicked out for it), it was always presented as if she was wasting her life and wouldn't amount to anything.

Even though being made suddenly homeless made her drop out of university for a few years, she eventually got her degree and later became a manager at a hotel. But because she didn't reach her fullest dreams, because she's in her late 30s unmarried and surely she's been through a lot of men by now, focusing on sex starting at 20 derailed her life.

I know their way of thinking about it all is effed up but I admit some of it got in. I feel pressure to become A Great Singer (my personal passion) and that my intense sexual desire will get in the way of that. Distract me and leave me settling, and look, all I got out of it was "a wet ass and being a cum dumpster for men."

Like, I masturbate. I'm very interested in sex. I don't feel bad about sex as a technicality. But the impact of real life sexual relationships worries me a bit.

Well, I don't think it's healthy to think this way. So...

First of all, I'm so sorry you grew up that way. I was made to feel bad about having a normal healthy sex drive too. But you've gotten past the first step. You've identified the problem. In fact, in a way you're lucky. You didn't rush into it and waste your first time on the right boy. I'd have given anything if I'd have saved it for my first love.

When it's right. You'll know. And it will be the best, most natural thing in the world.

In the meantime, read good, quality, love stories. Educate yourself beyond the mechanics.

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On 7/23/2022 at 12:54 PM, bluecastle said:

Great songs, great voices, great performers: sex, in its rawest and most romantic forms, has historically been a potent ingredient, just as history is filled with people from all walks of life who have done extraordinary things (inventing vaccines, launching tech platforms, writing novels, raising awesome kids) while indulging in and celebrating their beautiful libidinous selves. 

We can’t choose our parents. We can, however, choose to reject whatever about them comes to seem completely bogus as we exit the realm of childhood and claim ourselves as autonomous adults. Never easy, that, but I think you’ll thank yourself for the work. 

 

This was such a beautiful, enlightening comment. Thank you so much for sharing this with me.

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On 7/21/2022 at 1:43 AM, Needinghelp101 said:

I've moved out very recently. I WFH day job separate from music and I have a degree. Emotional independence...what do you mean by that?

Distance yourself from your parents and their negativity and strange beliefs. Do you have your own Apt.?

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On 7/20/2022 at 10:43 PM, Needinghelp101 said:

I've moved out very recently. I WFH day job separate from music and I have a degree. 

Emotional independence...what do you mean by that?

I thought you were still viewing apartments.  As of Wednesday, you said you still hadn't chosen one. You actually found one and already moved in?

From all of your threads it seems you are way too influenced and bothered by what your parents say and do.  Living on your own is the best way to go IMO.

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