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Any point in persisting?


hrb23
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Joined up here about 5 years ago after a bad break up and just recently started actually trying to date again as asides to just hook-ups. So I'm pretty out of whack when it comes to reading situations, I feel like I'm pretty much ready to bail on my first dating experience here but I do like her so just wanted some thoughts on whether it was worth persisting. 

We went on three great dates, had a ton of fun, kissed each time, held hands while walking from place to place. It was a really fast and meaningful connection. Then she came over about a week ago to hang out, we slept together. Everything seemed fine, I drove her home we said see you soon etc. 

 

After this her texting has dropped noticeably, she told me last week she was overwhelmed by the week and apologized for the slow replies. She had to cancel plans with friends and she rescheduled on the day we had planned to meet up again. No problem. After that I texted her but didn't get a reply until 4 days later (my birthday) when she wishes me happy birthday and apologized for MIA, says she's been feeling 'off'. The rest of the text is kinds cutesy, makes me feel like ok she's still interested. I respond thank you and it was nice to hear from you, I hope everything is going a bit better than earlier in the week, would like to see you again soon etc

Haven't heard from her since. I'm kinda feeling as though if she was interested enough she would find time in almost 48 hours to get back to me. She hasn't outright said I'm the problem or she doesn't want to see me again or anything like that, but I don't really feel very valued by the way things have progressed and it's kind of bumming me out to not get the same level of enthusiasm I was at the start. 

Should I ask her to be straight up about how she's feeling regarding me, should I just delete her number and move on, should I keep waiting and hoping? 

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19 minutes ago, hrb23 said:

We went on three great dates,. Then she came over about a week ago to hang out, we slept together.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you're not exclusive and still talking to and meeting others. So even after a few great dates, things can change if they meet someone else.

Perhaps she was hoping for more than "see you soon". That sounds too casual after a night of sex, instead of making definitive plans there and then.

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16 minutes ago, hrb23 said:

Should I ask her to be straight up about how she's feeling regarding me, should I just delete her number and move on, should I keep waiting and hoping? 

Just move on with your life. She is fizzling away. Maybe because of you, maybe because she met somebody new, who knows? You would hardly get a straight answer that is not some BS excuse from somebody like that. As you can see, she has already started with excuses like that she is feeling off or being busy. No need to hope about something from somebody that doesnt seem interested enough to answer your texts for 4 days and if it wasnt common courtesy of your birthday she would probably not even do that. So, just move on.

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After one or two dates you can usually get an accurate read on a person's life and what they have going at the moment. I'm speaking about current commitments and any involvements when it comes to work, community/volunteer, family commitments and obligations, what their schedule or daily/weekly life is like. If you aren't getting a feel for this you're not paying attention closely enough to what they're telling you or aren't asking the right questions during the dates. It shouldn't feel like an interview and the conversations and time spent should flow easily without anyone feeling uncomfortable or put out but the information you receive back will help you make your decision by the end of the second date about whether this person is worth pursuing. 

So I ask, do you know why she was feeling overwhelmed or why she had to cancel on a number of people? Be wary about introducing anyone who seems stretched thin or inconsistent in their behaviour or moods.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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1 hour ago, hrb23 said:

 . . . makes me feel like ok she's still interested.

Interested in what, specifically?  Are you hoping for more dates, or are you transitioning to "hang-outs"?

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24 minutes ago, waffle said:

Interested in what, specifically?  Are you hoping for more dates, or are you transitioning to "hang-outs"?

Either way I'd have liked to see her again. I suggested dinner and she said she would check her schedule and let me know. That was after we last saw each other but that's when I started to feel a lack of interest 

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hrb23, it's great that you feel ready to date again. Don't get discouraged at the first bump on the road. Finding someone compatible and on the same wavelength is tough but absolutely possible.

As to that woman - I think there's no point to bother anymore. It sucks you're getting slowly ghosted after your first night together. She could find time for the previous few dates but suddenly she can't find time to answer to a text messages for days on end? I say she doesn't want to.

One more thing - maybe try slower next time. Get to know the person and form some emotional connection first.

A belated happy birthday to you and good luck.

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16 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

hrb23, it's great that you feel ready to date again. Don't get discouraged at the first bump on the road. Finding someone compatible and on the same wavelength is tough but absolutely possible.

As to that woman - I think there's no point to bother anymore. It sucks you're getting slowly ghosted after your first night together. She could find time for the previous few dates but suddenly she can't find time to answer to a text messages for days on end? I say she doesn't want to.

One more thing - maybe try slower next time. Get to know the person and form some emotional connection first.

A belated happy birthday to you and good luck.

Thank you for this. What I needed to hear. 

I'll try not to let it get to me too much 

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You have to put your feelings aside, and just look at her actions...she has many excuses, and slow to respond. That's when you cut contact and move on. It's better to not try and get the truth because it may not be something you would want to hear. Get up, dust yourself off, and go forward. 

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I agree with don't get too worked up about this.

There are many out there in the same boat... trying to get out there again and having similar experiences.

You went there, you met up with someone, after a good time away from all of this.

So, you now let it be.. IF she were truly interested, I'm sure she'd keep up the interest by showing you.

If she's fading, just leave it be now.

Is all a part of the experience of 'dating' again.  Don't expect your first encounter to be an instant success 😉 .. We move on.. go at your own speed.

 

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Don't settle with one person, multiple date until you're reasonably sure there's enough to go the distance, even then you can never be sure what another person is thinking.

That's the nature of the game.

 

As far as this one goes I'd just focus on other things, don't take any actions towards deleting or asking her what's up or pressure her for answers, I doubt even she knows.

Don't be surprised if after you stop reaching out she comes around looking. It's like chasing a dog- if you stop chasing and run the other way guess who's right on your heels..

 

Edited by gamon
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