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Low sex drive and relationships


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For whatever reason my sex drive is pretty low. I am fine having sex once or twice a week preferably not consecutive nights and if I am tired or stressed or anxious (which is quite a lot of the time!) I often get ED. 

It is not really an issue when I am dating and only seeing a girl once a week. Well occasionally girls expect more than once a night and get disappointed. But as I last quite a long time I do not get any major complaints. 

But I do sometimes hear stories about men who can have sex five times a night and want it every day of the week and worry about that. And for some reason the women I date often tend to have high sex drives. So I worry if things do progress to a relationship or we see each other a lot more frequently I won't be able to satisfy them. And of course the cultural stereotype is that men are always pestering women for sex. But with me it is usually the other way around! 

I have seen a doctor and there is nothing really medically wrong with me.  I am trying to learn to relax and get more sleep and so on and do more exercise etc but I think in general I am a fairly low energy person which carries over to my sex life. I have been this way most of my adult life ( I am mid 30s). 

And maybe the way to go is when looking for relationships avoiding women who are overly sexual and make it clear sex is a priority for them in a relationship. But I think most women would take a lack of desire personally so even if they didn't want sex all the time they would want to feel their man did. And as for the occasional ED  this happened a few times last year with a girl I was seeing and she got very upset and attributed it to lack of chemistry and was very moody the next day even though she said nothing was wrong I kinda figured the reason.

 Also I am terrified of going on holidays with women. Especially minibreaks early on in budding relationships where the expectation is there will be lots of sex. Or the beach holidays with the expectation of sun, sea, sand and sex. 

So I do not really know what to do going forward. Eventually I hope to end up in a relationship and it would be a shame if it failed because of sex. 

 

 

 

 

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I think maybe your expectations of yourself are too high. I don't think I've been with any man that can have sex five times a night. If the guy orgasmed then I've been with maybe only a couple who could go a second time after a break. Maybe it's a stereotype that all men have high sex drives but that doesn't mean that EVERY man does.

Some women take ED personally and in most cases it's not. For some guys I've been with it's because they had anxiety or were on medications that caused it.

If you're not in the mood for sex I don't think you should force yourself. The women you're with should be understanding that sometimes you're just not feeling like it and that's OK. If a woman pressures you to have sex or gets upset then she's making it all about her. 

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It may not be about drive but about being with the wrong person.  Perhaps you are a person who needs to be in love and committed to feel more motivated to have sex and feel comfortable as far as the ED (ED can be emotionally related from what I understand).  Right now you have been having sex with a woman who is very focused on male attention -attention from males other than you -and male attention related to her physical features and photos.  That would be a turn off to me if a man acted like that with me.

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

For whatever reason my sex drive is pretty low.I often get ED. 

You need to get to a physician for a complete workup. Get some tests done. ED is often the "canary in the coalmine" as far as endocrine, cardiovascular and neurological issues.

Masked depression as a factor in anxiety, low libido, etc. is also something to have investigated. If you are over 40 and go out drinking rather regularly you have enough nerve and tissue damage for early onset ED. See a physician get a referral to both a psychologist and urologist.

Drinking too much and initiating sex when too tired, anxious,  etc. also undermines a decent sex life. As far as situational ED (anxiety) a  qualified psychologist can help you with that. Of course your habit of dating randoms for sex rather than having trusting relationships in the context of an understanding partner also contributes to your issues.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Well, you are in 30s. Its kind of normal that you cant perform like if you are in 20s anymore and pull an "all nighter". Add that your lifestyle is making you stressed and anxious, that you are dating girls that expect you to perform otherwise their next date- attention giver will(not all girls would be like that), and that often you have alcohol involved(major cause of ED) and no wonder your sex drive isnt really like it used to be. With some lifystyle changes(like maybe dating not just so you could perform in bed or even trying to rearange your life to be less stressful for example) you should be fine. Not 20something fine probably, but fine.

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3 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

But I think most women would take a lack of desire personally so even if they didn't want sex all the time they would want to feel their man did.

 

You may be dating women with excruciatingly low self-esteem, those who interpret their identity or worth solely from a relationship or how sexually appealing they appear to others. Having frequent sex or appearing like a stereotypical horndog does not make a man appealing. 

From what you’ve written of your dates a lot of them seem emotionally stunted or very immature. I’m not surprised if they’ve reacted poorly and were offended about sexual performance or ED. I agree with the comment above that alcohol also has an effect.

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I am a woman and I want sex every single day. I would not fault a man for not wanting it as often as I do, but I would conclude we are incompatible if it was ongoing rather than a occasional situation that would be completely understandable (such as, he's not feeling well, he's exceedingly tired, etc.)

However, I am told there are many, many women who are perfectly happy with once per week. Many, many women! So I think you'll have no trouble at all finding a woman whose sex drive matches yours. It's not a "right" or "wrong" issue but rather basic compatibility. I think you're fine.

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Posted (edited)

 I have had a full physical workup and no issues were identified. Testosterone actually well above normal and heart health absolutely fine. I think I do have a low stress threshold and have always been a bad sleeper so will see if I can work on this through lifestyle changes. Exercise is also meant to be helpful. ED is probably easier to manage given there is a situational/psychological component and actually it has been a lot better with my latest squeeze as she makes me feel wanted and makes me feel comfortable with her. So this post is predominately about my low sex drive in the sense I only want it once a night perhaps twice a week and not on consecutive nights and I am worried that would not satisfy most women who especially in the early stages of a relationship would expect it more regularly.

 Agree that it is in part a compatibility issue and it will be less of an issue for some women than others and perhaps reflects my tendency to date immature and insecure women. Although that is a difficult thing to screen for especially as it would be better to find out before you get emotionally and sexually involved.   

Definitely wouldn't be compatible with someone who wants it every day and multiple times a night. But refreshing to hear that there are many women out there who want it a lot less than that. 

Also would be curious to know what is normal for a man in his mid 30s. 

 

Edited by jazz_lover
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1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

 I have had a full physical workup and no issues were identified. Testosterone actually well above normal and heart health absolutely fine. I think I do have a low stress threshold and have always been a bad sleeper so will see if I can work on this through lifestyle changes. Exercise is also meant to be helpful. ED is probably easier to manage given there is a situational/psychological component and actually it has been a lot better with my latest squeeze as she makes me feel wanted and makes me feel comfortable with her. So this post is predominately about my low sex drive in the sense I only want it once a night perhaps twice a week and not on consecutive nights and I am worried that would not satisfy most women who especially in the early stages of a relationship would expect it more regularly.

 Agree that it is in part a compatibility issue and it will be less of an issue for some women than others and perhaps reflects my tendency to date immature and insecure women. Although that is a difficult thing to screen for especially as it would be better to find out before you get emotionally and sexually involved.   

Definitely wouldn't be compatible with someone who wants it every day and multiple times a night. But refreshing to hear that there are many women out there who want it a lot less than that. 

Also would be curious to know what is normal for a man in his mid 30s. 

In response to your last sentence, you're now seeking that knowledge.. why? Don't make comparisons to others. You are you. Find someone compatible with you and accepts you the way you are. You're self-aware and know your own needs. 

Needs change over time too. The way you are now as you're experiencing could change with someone you feel more comfortable with. Imagine if you developed a longer term relationship and the sex got better. You may not have found that person yet who also unlocks that other side of you. I wouldn't despair. There are unknowns. Find someone who moves with you and whose company you enjoy, and vice versa. Let everything else happen on its own with time.

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4 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

 I have had a full physical workup and no issues were identified. Testosterone actually well above normal and heart health absolutely fine. I think I do have a low stress threshold and have always been a bad sleeper so will see if I can work on this through lifestyle changes. Exercise is also meant to be helpful. ED is probably easier to manage given there is a situational/psychological component and actually it has been a lot better with my latest squeeze as she makes me feel wanted and makes me feel comfortable with her. So this post is predominately about my low sex drive in the sense I only want it once a night perhaps twice a week and not on consecutive nights and I am worried that would not satisfy most women who especially in the early stages of a relationship would expect it more regularly.

 Agree that it is in part a compatibility issue and it will be less of an issue for some women than others and perhaps reflects my tendency to date immature and insecure women. Although that is a difficult thing to screen for especially as it would be better to find out before you get emotionally and sexually involved.   

Definitely wouldn't be compatible with someone who wants it every day and multiple times a night. But refreshing to hear that there are many women out there who want it a lot less than that. 

Also would be curious to know what is normal for a man in his mid 30s. 

 

I don't understand though, why do you think it's not normal to just want sex once a night? I mean, that sounds perfectly normal? My understanding is that from a biological perspective a male can't go again in most cases if they'd already orgasmed. So just having sex once per night sounds fine and normal. Also I don't think every woman wants sex constantly either. To me it sounds like you're putting a lot of unrealistic pressure on yourself.

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Other than at the start of a relationship I've never been interested in sex once or twice a week (I'm female).  If I met someone like you, I'd be perfectly happy because our libidos would match.  There's nothing wrong with you.  Not everybody has to want sex often; everyone is different.

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