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Still waiting to start a family after been with my boyfriend of 9 years. Completely stuck.


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Posted (edited)
9 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Oh boy.  He says he can't think about getting married or having kids unless you get a better paying job.

If he makes more than enough, why is it still your fault on why you both aren't married and having kids?

I don't know is it my fault. He's claiming he doesn't even want it or want to think about it now. It's not like we ever could have consider it like other couples and the whole human race because he would not compromise for me. 

Because he pays the majority of our bills, I can't even cover our rent on my own salary, can I? 

Edited by Hhbgff
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This has nothing to do with his job, or yours. To put it in the most generous light, this is about you two not being as compatible as you'd like, something that has probably been the case for a long time (evidenced by your inability to be yourself or express yourself around him) and is right now coming to a head over a very real divide (you wanting kids now, him not).

1 hour ago, Hhbgff said:

What are my boyfriend's real reasons then? I'm dieing to know. 

As Batya said, he likely doesn't know. If I had to venture a guess—and am offering this in hopes it brings some clarity—it's that he is still very young and simply does not want to be factoring family-making into his life right now. The times he's spoken about it? I'd say that's him saying what he thinks he should he saying—and feeling—kind of like hoping that if he says it it will become real. Think of a smoker, for example, who talks about quitting while deep down not wanting to quit, not being ready, but knowing it's the "right" thing to say, especially when faced with people in his/her life who really want him/her to quit. A lot of people do this, especially when they are young.  

But all that doesn't really matter. You are your own compass, always, and you have to own where yours is pointing, which is away from his. It sucks. It's hard. It's scary. It means contemplating letting go not only of a person, but your dreams and fantasies about the person, who you so wish them to be, who you so wish yourself to be with them. But dreams and fantasies are dangerous when you let them eclipse what is real, like your level of anxiety, like your fear of expressing yourself, like your desire to have a family. 

All that is not far fetched or unattainable. It just means putting yourself in a position where it can be obtained, which is not with someone who doesn't want those things with you and who makes you feel like it is all your fault. 

 

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My boyfriend told me once before when he got in a big blow up with me, that he had wasted years of his life waiting for me to get my act together.  He asked me to tell him how many more years he would have to wait. He has said similar things before like "Oh, I'll give you another year". 

 

He made me feel so guilty, in visioning somebody I love wanting the same things as me but not been able to because of me. Spending  years waiting for me. And, it been all my fault, me holding us back from the future we wanted. Me stopping things from progressing or happening for us, I was the root cause. He made me feel so guilty for keeping him waiting. 

But of course, that's not the reality,is it? It's him. 

There are always compromises people can make, but of course my boyfriend isn't willing to honor me or make any. 

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12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'll ask again...

Do YOU want a different, higher paying job with more opportunities?

I do, but I don't want to get stressed or anxious in a new job. I don't know why but I don't know if I feel like taking a risk. It feels like a big risk to me.

I want what is here and now. I love where I live. 

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Just now, Hhbgff said:

I do, but I don't want to get stressed or anxious in a new job. I don't know why but I don't know if I feel like taking a risk. It feels like a big risk to me.

I want what is here and now. I love where I live. 

This seems to be a theme for you. You dislike and fear change or anything that deviates from how you imagined it should be. Hence your refusal to acknowledge your relationship is not the right one or that you could have happiness and success with a different job and/or a different man.

Allowing fear to steer your ship has resulted in not ever accomplishing what you truly want. How is that working for you?

If you're overwhelmed with the idea of making any kind of changes in your life, how about exploring that issue with a therapist? Yes, you would have to try something new. Yes, you might be anxious and nervous. But think about how your life is right now (NOT how you wish it was) and see if it would be worth it to step out of your comfort zone so you can make some real, positive improvements in your life.

Or, you could just do nothing,  remain "completely stuck" and wait for your boyfriend to decide he wants out. That would force you to make changes, but not in a proactive way.

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5 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

But of course, that's not the reality,is it? It's him. 

YES. 

Read that a few more times, because you wrote it, you are seeing it, and it is spot on.

Just as you have chosen to remain with him, he has chosen to remain with you. You did not force him. In other words, you did not, in any way, waste his life. That is him projecting his own frustration and insecurities onto you, and that right there—that impulse—is a nasty thing.

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Posted (edited)

Look, I don't know where this is going but I am starting to see something else here. Its like I can see the light. 

Are you guys responding to my threads men or women? I'm getting curious to know! 

Edited by Hhbgff
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I'm glad you're finding the responses useful.

We're a mix here. I'm female. Several of the responders are male. Doesn't really matter.

Bottom line, this relationship is making you miserable and has been ever since he likely cheated on you a while back and since he forced you to abort.

You are not required to stay with him. A love relationship isn't meant to be a prison sentence.

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I'm glad you're finding the responses useful.

We're a mix here. I'm female. Several of the responders are male. Doesn't really matter.

Bottom line, this relationship is making you miserable and has been ever since he likely cheated on you a while back and since he forced you to abort.

You are not required to stay with him. A love relationship isn't meant to be a prison sentence.

Thank you, I'm grateful for you being here with me 🙂

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1 minute ago, Hhbgff said:

Thank you, I'm grateful for you being here with me 🙂

Thanks, I appreciate that.

However, your posts spoke to me because you're obviously in pain. You seem like a nice young lady. That's why I would hate to see you spend another few years crying, anxious, fearful and not achieving your completely normal goals of marriage and children. 

Will you at least consider talking to a professional about your fear? I too experienced debilitating fear and anxiety. I didn't like feeling that way so I started seeing a team of professionals including a medical doctor, a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Today my fear and anxiety are manageable to the point where I'm living my life almost completely normally. Two years ago? I could hardly leave home. Please consider therapy as it could literally be life changing (for the better).

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I highly doubt that your boyfriend will give you the type of future you envision.  You dream of having a family with him whereas, he lacks enthusiasm to become a father. 

Ask yourself these questions about your boyfriend:

Where does he see himself in 10 years?  What type of father will he be for my child?  What type of husband will he be for me?

If have intuitive doubts about your boyfriend, he will not give you the life of your dreams.  Either continue wasting your time, energy and resources on him or plan to dissolve and exit this relationship. 

You can have what you want someday as long as it's not with your current boyfriend. 

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3 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

What are my boyfriend's real reasons then? I'm dieing to know. 

Gently, because he no longer loves you. 

He tried to break up with you once before, after he (very likely) cheated on you in Cambodia. He also has told you recently that your relationship isn't fulfilling for him. He's been pulling back sexually. 

This is a man who is searching for the "right" moment to break up. He likely knows very well that you are quite fragile and emotionally-dependent on him, so he is afraid of how you will handle it when he ends it. But it's going to happen sooner or later. He's biding his time until he's ready to make that leap. 

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9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Thanks, I appreciate that.

However, your posts spoke to me because you're obviously in pain. You seem like a nice young lady. That's why I would hate to see you spend another few years crying, anxious, fearful and not achieving your completely normal goals of marriage and children. 

Will you at least consider talking to a professional about your fear? I too experienced debilitating fear and anxiety. I didn't like feeling that way so I started seeing a team of professionals including a medical doctor, a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Today my fear and anxiety are manageable to the point where I'm living my life almost completely normally. Two years ago? I could hardly leave home. Please consider therapy as it could literally be life changing (for the better).

Yes, I will sign up for it in the next few weeks. I have been meaning to look into it. I hope it can help me. I know that I'm a candidate who should be waiting in the queue and have been for a while! 

I would pay good money for your responses lol 😉

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It's empowering to realize YOU run your life, not someone else...especially someone who belittles you and tells you your thoughts and feelings don't matter. It's also great to know you can do whatever you want. All it takes is realizing when something or someone is impeding your progress and knowing when to move forward. It's not a loss. It's a gain, because you will be free to meet a wonderful man who cherishes you and wants marriage and family WITH YOU and who won't throw any roadblocks in the way. 

Think about it...the right man who will be delighted to marry you and have children with you. You can have that once you realize it's not your dreams that are the problem but the man standing in the way of them.

I encourage you to look into therapy ASAP. No need to delay your future. 

BTW, you don't have to leave him today. Of course this is a big decision. You'll want to reflect for a bit. But again, a therapist can help you navigate your way through.

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Posted (edited)

My boyfriends going away in 10 days for 5 weeks by the way. I am supposed to be going to visit him for 9 days. 

It's going to be a challenge. 

Edited by Hhbgff
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49 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

My boyfriends going away in 10 days for 5 weeks by the way. I am supposed to be going to visit him for 9 days. 

It's going to be a challenge. 

This will be a great chance to sit and reflect about what you really want. If you're OK with not marrying and not having children, or if you really do want them.

Can you spend some of the time with family and friends? People who love and support you?

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This relationship has a huge power imbalance. I think four years ago when your boyfriend said he wanted to break up with you, you got so scared that you'd lose him so that you decided you'd do anything to keep him. But you need to realise that if the only thing keeping him with you is that he's comfortable and knows he doesn't need to make any effort or commit, that's very detrimental to you.

There are guys who truly adore their woman and will drop on one knee and propose. My ex fiance for example, yes he had issues but he made no secret of how crazy about me he was. He actually marked a date on the calendar that after one year together he'd ask me to marry him. And he did, and we had an engagement party and booked the wedding. With your boyfriend it's like pulling teeth at the dentist. 

You're asking, why is all this so hard? The simple answer is because he's just not interested and doesn't want the things you want. And he doesn't respect or care what you want either. When you bring up what you want, he just tells you to shut it. He's got the power and calling all the shots.

Yet you are not actually "stuck". At least not physically. You can leave any time.

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4 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

I do, but I don't want to get stressed or anxious in a new job. I don't know why but I don't know if I feel like taking a risk. It feels like a big risk to me.

I want what is here and now. I love where I live. 

Just so you know.  Parenting is a new job and involves immense risks at times.  Also you love where you live but you don't make enough $ to live where you live -so without boyfriend, how would you be able to live there? What if he loses his job?

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I remember being his age and being TERRIFIED of having a kid. Not until 31 was I ok with it. I remember my sons mother wanted them a couple years before I came around. There could be a few ways you could look at this. If you can't wait and are 100% positive you want them, you may need to find someone else. I hate saying that, but that is not super uncommon. You could also stay with him and he may come around to the idea of kids in a few years! He could possibly feel scared of the idea, so that's something he would hopefully tell you if you asked him. Kids are a scary thing to some people. I never felt ready. Nothingncould make me feel confident that I was ready until my aon was born. We had money, owned a house, had stable jobs, and other "adult" things. None of that helped how I "felt." With that stuff being said, my son is now 7 and I can't imagine a life where he wasn't in it! He is the best thing that I have ever had in my life. Never felt prepared, but that feeling began to change over the first few days, then a couple weeks, into months, and into the years. Your guy could be a great father, but for you, you need to be honest with yourself about what you want vs. what you need in your life at this moment. Once you get a little more clarity, then move towards that. You only get one life. For me, I don't want to be on my "death bed" and realize I didnt follow my honest and true dreams. Regret is something that can be with you for life. 

 

So, what my message is, is that you should figure out what YOU want in life, and then follow that. Sometimes making the right decision for ourself can hurt other people, but people get past it!

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Posted (edited)
9 hours ago, Tinydance said:

This relationship has a huge power imbalance. I think four years ago when your boyfriend said he wanted to break up with you, you got so scared that you'd lose him so that you decided you'd do anything to keep him. But you need to realise that if the only thing keeping him with you is that he's comfortable and knows he doesn't need to make any effort or commit, that's very detrimental to you.

There are guys who truly adore their woman and will drop on one knee and propose. My ex fiance for example, yes he had issues but he made no secret of how crazy about me he was. He actually marked a date on the calendar that after one year together he'd ask me to marry him. And he did, and we had an engagement party and booked the wedding. With your boyfriend it's like pulling teeth at the dentist. 

You're asking, why is all this so hard? The simple answer is because he's just not interested and doesn't want the things you want. And he doesn't respect or care what you want either. When you bring up what you want, he just tells you to shut it. He's got the power and calling all the shots.

Yet you are not actually "stuck". At least not physically. You can leave any time.

Yes, that is true he never asks me what I want or desire after all of these years either. I'm nearly 30 years old for goodness sake, don't I get a say? I have tried my very best for him over the years, I might not have pulled off a career change but I've always tried to help, support and love my boyfriend, doing things for both of us. I do nearly all of the chores to be honest - picking up groceries on the way back from my long commute, cooking dinner (it's nearly always me). If my boyfriend does he always has to get me involved or to help him and he never seems happy to be doing it for me. I do nearly all of our laundry, changing bed sheets every week, cleaning the kitchen, bathroom. I'm not saying that he never does anything because he does but still I do quite a lot for us and have done so over the years. 

I think he thinks of me as a burden. 

We are living the life that he wants here. 

Edited by Hhbgff
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7 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

don't I get a say?

Yes, but you refuse to use your own voice. That's not on him. It's on you. 

When you rug-sweep major relationship problems and stay together well past the expiration date, this is the kind of relationship you will get. You keep choosing it. 

Own your role in your own misery here, and you will be better-prepared to stand on your own two feet when the end comes. 

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Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, Azmatt7 said:

I remember being his age and being TERRIFIED of having a kid. Not until 31 was I ok with it. I remember my sons mother wanted them a couple years before I came around. There could be a few ways you could look at this. If you can't wait and are 100% positive you want them, you may need to find someone else. I hate saying that, but that is not super uncommon. You could also stay with him and he may come around to the idea of kids in a few years! He could possibly feel scared of the idea, so that's something he would hopefully tell you if you asked him. Kids are a scary thing to some people. I never felt ready. Nothingncould make me feel confident that I was ready until my aon was born. We had money, owned a house, had stable jobs, and other "adult" things. None of that helped how I "felt." With that stuff being said, my son is now 7 and I can't imagine a life where he wasn't in it! He is the best thing that I have ever had in my life. Never felt prepared, but that feeling began to change over the first few days, then a couple weeks, into months, and into the years. Your guy could be a great father, but for you, you need to be honest with yourself about what you want vs. what you need in your life at this moment. Once you get a little more clarity, then move towards that. You only get one life. For me, I don't want to be on my "death bed" and realize I didnt follow my honest and true dreams. Regret is something that can be with you for life. 

 

So, what my message is, is that you should figure out what YOU want in life, and then follow that. Sometimes making the right decision for ourself can hurt other people, but people get past it!

Look, my dreams are not to have a child on my own or with somebody different. My dreams are to have this with my boyfriend and have been for years now. 

I've got to the point now where I'm scared it's not going to happen for us. Where I'm scared in going to be too old and we will have wasted our chances. It has got to be debilitating. 

I'm at the point know where I'm the perfect age. Not too young or too old. It feels like a big risk to me to put having children off for much longer. My boyfriend doesn't understand this at all and he probably thinks we have years and years and years left but it is not fair is he doesn't listen to me, is it? We have waited for such a long time now. What if we want more than one child? 

I don't feel like I deserve this. I've seen countless examples of other couples compromising on something but my boyfriend is just so hard headed and he must think he will be losing too much of something if he was to compromise, probably money. 

9 years and were nowhere closer. After speaking to him on Monday, he's now completely shutting down the idea and didnt want to give me the benefit of the doubt. 

It's all about what he wants or thinks. I think this is because he makes a lot more money than me. I don't have the gumption to keep on challenging him when I haven't pulled off my end of the deal. 

Edited by Hhbgff
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23 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I think he thinks of me as a burden. 

It's important to stop acting like a live-in maid or pretending to be a housewife. 

While it's good to be able to discuss your concerns a forum is not a replacement for seeing a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and getting a referral to a qualified therapist.

You seem to have insight that it's an unbalanced relationship rather than a partnership. You also seem to be afraid of becoming homeless without his place and financial help.

Sadly your relationship has devolved into mutual resentment, contempt and discord.

While he is away, find other affordable living arrangements. It's better than feeling like the live-in help.

It's not his dream to have a child with you. It was his dream for you to get an abortion.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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