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Still waiting to start a family after been with my boyfriend of 9 years. Completely stuck.


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I like a lot of what others have said -so on target ,and wise.  I also suggest you freeze your eggs(it wasn't an available option to me when I inquired at age 32 and by age 37 I knew being a single mother by choice would not be the right decision for me or my child).  

What I wanted to say and honestly no "JMHO" because it is not humble and I feel strongly about it (and like so many others would agree with me lol).  Being a good parent requires getting out of your comfort zone.  Essential.  And for multiple reasons including being a good role model for your child. 

I am a person who loves her comfort zone.  But as a parent I feel it is my obligation to fight the urge to stay within it so my child can grow properly and experience the world.  And having another parent -a parent I am married to and love - really helps because if there are things that I really feel I almost can't do -for me it is most amusement park rides and VR rides and likely boat-related stuff - I married someone who can and will (I mean it doesn't always work out that way but at least with another parent you have a shot at it!). 

I just had to get out of my comfort zone multiple times over the last 9 days for our trip to Europe which my husband had to go on for work, and -all else equal- if it had been cancelled for my son and me I would have been upset but not "that" upset because of the toll that sort of travel takes on me from the U.S. But I did it for him.  I feel it is part of my job.  Not being a martyr -that goes too far - but what I wrote.

So explore with respect to your job and relationship whether you are a person willing to stretch yourself, get out of your comfort zone -great practice for parenting, essential for parenting.  I'm seeing so much passivity - and applaud you for speaking up as you did - and implore you to react in a way that shows that you value yourself and your remaining years of your fertility and that you value doing what would be in the best interests of a child.  Marrying him would not show that IMHO.

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2 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

Why does there have to be so much pressure? Is it because my boyfriend loves me and wants the best for me?

It's amazing that's the conclusion you come to, when he shut you down and told you marriage and children are not happening and he doesn't even want to think or talk about it with you.

2 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

Other couples have compromised, why can't we?

Because he doesn't want to.

2 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

I thought we both wanted kids!

Didn't he just tell you he doesn't? 

Also, why are you so afraid of this man? You've never explained why you're frightened of him.

It seems like no matter what he says or does you're going to stay and waste more years quietly going along with whatever he wants, fearful to speak your mind. And never having the marriage and children you say you want. That's too bad, because you could have what you claim to want if you'd just see the reality of the situation and end this relationship so you can have the chance to meet a man who wants what you want. It's a real shame, but this is what you're choosing.

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3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well my Mum had me at 23 but she had a stillborn baby before me maybe at like 21. My parents were very poor when they got married, at 20 and 22 years old. My Mum couldn't afford to buy a wedding dress so she actually made her own dress. And she made it blue, not white, so she could keep wearing it. And she cut out stripes from my Dad's army pants because he didn't have many clothes and needed new pants.

Anyway, point is I actually don't think that you and your boyfriend would struggle financially really. You still have an income, you have an inheritance and he has a very highly paid job. I think him shaming you for your job is just an excuse. 

Personally if I was you, I'd leave your boyfriend and study a course and/or do an apprenticeship. And start looking for a new partner. There are guys out there who wouldn't actually have a problem with your job and who would want kids.

I want to point out also that 30 is not too old to do anything you want but there's probably no need to waste time either. You know you want (and deserve) to be a Mum and your boyfriend basically said he doesn't want kids now and told you to stop talking about it. You couldn't be further away from not being on the same page. 

Also why wouldn't you deserve to have children just because you work in administration? It's not like you've done something bad. What, only people who are doctors or lawyers deserve to be parents? If that was the case, we'd have a very small world population lol

Yes, my boyfriend also has savings. I think potentially in the region of £50,000 - £60,000.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

It's amazing that's the conclusion you come to, when he shut you down and told you marriage and children are not happening and he doesn't even want to think or talk about it with you.

Because he doesn't want to.

Didn't he just tell you he doesn't? 

Also, why are you so afraid of this man? You've never explained why you're frightened of him.

It seems like no matter what he says or does you're going to stay and waste more years quietly going along with whatever he wants, fearful to speak your mind. And never having the marriage and children you say you want. That's too bad, because you could have what you claim to want if you'd just see the reality of the situation and end this relationship so you can have the chance to meet a man who wants what you want. It's a real shame, but this is what you're choosing.

What has changed? 

Where was there so much hope and possibility of having children at the start of the year? 

I've probably made myself scared of him because I've never spoken up or admitted my feelings. 

I'm scared as well because I know that breaking up is at the back of his mind. He has told me before that he is tired of waiting around for me and is running out of patience. 

It absolutely terrifies me. I would never ever get over it. I would miss absolutely everything about him. The pain would never leave my bones. 

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5 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

What has changed? 

Where was there so much hope and possibility of having children at the start of the year? 

I've probably made myself scared of him because I've never spoken up or admitted my feelings. 

I'm scared as well because I know that breaking up is at the back of his mind. He has told me before that he is tired of waiting around for me and is running out of patience. 

It absolutely terrifies me. I would never ever get over it. I would miss absolutely everything about him. The pain would never leave my bones. 

You would get over it one day. It may not seem like it right now but you would. You would just need time to grieve and heal. 

I mean, sure, you could get a better job but there won't be a better result. Because the job isn't really the problem. You and your boyfriend are actually fine financially but he needed a reason to put off actually settling down with you. Somehow it even has to do with your next door neighbour! When someone is always looking for excuses, they'll find them.

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20 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

What has changed? 

Where was there so much hope and possibility of having children at the start of the year? 

I've probably made myself scared of him because I've never spoken up or admitted my feelings. 

I'm scared as well because I know that breaking up is at the back of his mind. He has told me before that he is tired of waiting around for me and is running out of patience. 

It absolutely terrifies me. I would never ever get over it. I would miss absolutely everything about him. The pain would never leave my bones. 

Everyone has been through a breakup. All of us have gotten over it. Even those of us who swore we'd never get over it.

Let me ask you this: what do you think would hurt worse, breaking up and going through the process of moving forward, or never, ever getting married and never having children because you chose to stay with someone who doesn't want those things with you?

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46 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

You would get over it one day. It may not seem like it right now but you would. You would just need time to grieve and heal. 

I mean, sure, you could get a better job but there won't be a better result. Because the job isn't really the problem. You and your boyfriend are actually fine financially but he needed a reason to put off actually settling down with you. Somehow it even has to do with your next door neighbour! When someone is always looking for excuses, they'll find them.

What are my boyfriend's real reasons then? I'm dieing to know. 

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It's so hard. I cry everyday. I'm so so unhappy. 

My life is like a walking nightmare. I never imagined myself been this unhappy. I feel absolutely stuck and stranded. 

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3 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

It's so hard. I cry everyday. I'm so so unhappy. 

My life is like a walking nightmare. I never imagined myself been this unhappy. I feel absolutely stuck and stranded. 

Your relationship is CAUSING these feelings. It's not the solution to them. And staying will not make you feel better. It will unfortunately just keep getting worse.

You are not "stuck and stranded". You just believe you are because it's easier than dealing with the truth, which is your relationship has reached its end.

Of course you're going to be sad! That is completely normal. All of us are sad after a breakup.  But you need to ask yourself if staying with this man is worth giving up your dreams of marriage and children.

I invite you to go out somewhere and look around. See if there are any men out there. I guarantee you'll see dozens of them. One of them might be your future husband and father of your children, but you'll never meet him if you insist on clinging to this dead end relationship.

Give yourself a chance to have your dreams come true by thinking about what you truly want. If it's marriage and children, you know the right thing to do.

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Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Sorry but I do get the impression from a lot of your posts that you're in denial about what's really going on in your relationship. I know you love your boyfriend and really want a future with him and I can understand that. You've invested nine years into this man and maybe you're scared that there's nobody else out there. I think you might be trying to change the story about some things to convince yourself that everything is fine.

Something you wrote doesn't really make sense...In a previous post about that girl your boyfriend was meeting you wrote that three years ago you got pregnant. You said that your boyfriend basically pressured you to have an abortion. You said you were even lying on the floor crying your eyes out but he just called the abortion clinic while you were in that state.

Then you wrote in this post that the last two years your boyfriend said to you he wants kids? Is this really the real story?

I'm sorry I sound skeptical but I just don't understand how your boyfriend pushed you to get an abortion but a year later began to say he wants kids...? If he wanted kids then why did he make you get an abortion? I think you need to get real with yourself that if your boyfriend of six years pushes you to get an abortion that the obvious reason is he DOESN'T want kids or doesn't want them with you? And it's not like he was a teenager or anything. He was 24 so old enough to be a father if he wanted to be.

Also your boyfriend knows you really want kids and you already lost the previous child. He knows this is important to you but yet he's pushing you to be on birth control. This is not how someone who wants children would act. He's been with you for nine years so what is he waiting for exactly?

Also don't you find it interesting that since you got your inheritance, he's saying you should buy a house? I'm not sure where you live, but here in Australia for example if you have a de facto partner, they own 50% of everything you own. Seems he's interested in getting a house, but not marriage or kids? 

Yes, he was 100% set on an abortion. As soon as I told him I was pregnant, he did a Google search straightaway for unplanned pregnancy options and found all of the information about abortions and pills etc. I went in for a gp appointment, I think I really wanted to discuss my options or feel some support but all that happened is the gp gave me a list of abortion providers. We didn't book the abortion straight away at least I don't think because I had the gp appointment first and I was going to work. I was putting it off. Anyway, my boyfriend made the call to book one in because I was too upset or emotional, I don't know. I didn't tell him my true feelings. I was curled up on the floor, crying because I felt like I had no choice and in my heart I knew I wanted our child to have a life with us, with my family, with his family. I wanted to know that little person and love on them and be a mum. Maybe my boyfriend thought I was scared or worried about the procedure rather than anything else. I didn't tell him my true feelings because I was worried he would think I was mad or irrational to want to keep our child, you know given things like the fact we were renting a 1 bedroom flat, I didn't have a permanent job at the time, maybe I am. I was worried that he'd lose respect for me. Anyway I went to the abortion clinic days later and my biggest fantasy was walking out of the clinic and not taking the pills and giving myself some time to think about things. Anyway, I took the pills in the clinic on the day because i was scared and that's that. The end of my childs little life. 

Afterwards I was devastated, lying on the bathroom floor, rocking myself, not been able to stop myself crying. My boyfriend saw that. 

Me and my boyfriend had her at to heart about it months later. He told me that I didn't deserve to be so upset, he said that I should use the abortion to motivate myself to do better. He told me that things weren't all black and white and maybe we could have kept the baby and given it a good life. He said he wished we could have saved the baby and had it in a few years time. He also said that he thought about the abortion or baby? sometimes and it was on his mind. 

I don't know. I guess he's waiting for all of the things he's told me. But, I can't keep on living with the what if's especially with what I've been through. I just can't do it for that much longer. 

It's like everybody is rooting for me and would think I deserve to be a mum or to not have to drag things out to the level that I'm unhappy and am starting to get very depressed, apart from my boyfriend. 

Edited by Hhbgff
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Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Your relationship is CAUSING these feelings. It's not the solution to them. And staying will not make you feel better. It will unfortunately just keep getting worse.

You are not "stuck and stranded". You just believe you are because it's easier than dealing with the truth, which is your relationship has reached its end.

Of course you're going to be sad! That is completely normal. All of us are sad after a breakup.  But you need to ask yourself if staying with this man is worth giving up your dreams of marriage and children.

I invite you to go out somewhere and look around. See if there are any men out there. I guarantee you'll see dozens of them. One of them might be your future husband and father of your children, but you'll never meet him if you insist on clinging to this dead end relationship.

Give yourself a chance to have your dreams come true by thinking about what you truly want. If it's marriage and children, you know the right thing to do.

I know that, my why can't it be my boyfriend? I love the person he is, I want him, I want a life with him. 

I love his energy, his face, his smile, everything. I would miss him until the day I die. I feel it in my bones and throughout my body. 

I've even had fantasies of growing old together and taking care of each other in old age.

Edited by Hhbgff
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2 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I know that, my why can't it be my boyfriend? I love the person he is, I want him, I want a life with him. 

I love his energy, his face, his smile, everything. I would miss him until the day I die. I feel it in my bones and throughout my body. 

I've even had fantasies of growing old together and taking care of each other in old age.

He has clearly stated he doesn't want what you want and doesn't want to even discuss it.

Again, is it worth giving up your dreams of marriage and children just to try to keep him? Do you want to avoid a few months of sadness badly enough to be childless forever? 

Let me tell you a sad story. A friend of mine was engaged and fervently wanted children. Her relationship ended (for various reasons) but she didn't want to let go. She insisted that since he'd proposed to her he was required to follow through and marry her, even after he married someone else. So she waited for years while he had sex with her in between wives and girlfriends but never actually reconciled with her. She's still waiting for him to this day, TWENTY SEVEN YEARS after they broke up. Because she insisted she wanted marriage and children with him and only him, she never married, never had children and is alone, dealing with mental health issues. She passed up opportunities to meet other men because she said she only wanted him. It's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen.

Don't let that happen to you.

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47 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

What are my boyfriend's real reasons then? I'm dieing to know. 

His real reason?  He may not even know.  All that matters is watch the feet -the actions -not the lips - the words. His actions (and consistent words) scream I DON'T WANNA.  Never settle for less than 110% interest in starting a family.  Hard enough with totally in - impossible basically with ambivalence.  

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25 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I love the person he is

You mean a guy you cannot talk to, and when you do, tells you to "change the subject" when you are talking about your life goals, needs and wants?

Do you really love someone that minimizes you?  Or, are you just afraid to be alone?

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Posted (edited)
13 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

You mean a guy you cannot talk to, and when you do, tells you to "change the subject" when you are talking about your life goals, needs and wants?

Do you really love someone that minimizes you?  Or, are you just afraid to be alone?

Yes, they are my life goals needs and wants and they are getting more and more urgent. I know my boyfriend thinks it the right or sensible thing to do, but I'm tired of putting things off and off and off and off and off and not making any compromises for each other. 

It's like he can't let go of his own dream of me having a higher paying salary or of us moving away, when I'm happy here. 

I'm not scared to be alone, it's not that. I like doing things on my own, I'm nearly 30. It's much deeper.  He's who I dream of. He held the same dreams as me too not so long ago. I was ecstatic to know that he was having thoughts about the future and us having our child. It was all coming from him. I felt on top of the world.

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Just now, Hhbgff said:

He's who I dream of. 

What's so great about him? He dismisses you.  You are never enough, that he still must meet up with blast from the past. He doesn't marry you, or makes steps to have kids for you.

All the men I know, friends, friends of family, they would never ask their partner to work harder and get a better job...they instead work harder, and get a better job to give them a better life.  His demands of you are pathetic and hollow ways to gaslight how it's always your fault you aren't married and having kids together.

This guy is chump.  9 years of complete blows to your self-esteem.  After 9 years, you aren't thinking or seeing things clearly.  I hope you take the 5 weeks a part to realize, he's a dud.  We all can see it.  Maybe one day before it's too late, you can too.

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1 minute ago, tattoobunnie said:

What's so great about him? He dismisses you.  You are never enough, that he still must meet up with blast from the past. He doesn't marry you, or makes steps to have kids for you.

All the men I know, friends, friends of family, they would never ask their partner to work harder and get a better job...they instead work harder, and get a better job to give them a better life.  His demands of you are pathetic and hollow ways to gaslight how it's always your fault you aren't married and having kids together.

This guy is chump.  9 years of complete blows to your self-esteem.  After 9 years, you aren't thinking or seeing things clearly.  I hope you take the 5 weeks a part to realize, he's a dud.  We all can see it.  Maybe one day before it's too late, you can too.

But my boyfriend already has the better job, he makes over £4,000 each month. 

Why would he need to do better than that? Its a higher salary than most working people could imagine. 

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Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

What's so great about him? He dismisses you.  You are never enough, that he still must meet up with blast from the past. He doesn't marry you, or makes steps to have kids for you.

All the men I know, friends, friends of family, they would never ask their partner to work harder and get a better job...they instead work harder, and get a better job to give them a better life.  His demands of you are pathetic and hollow ways to gaslight how it's always your fault you aren't married and having kids together.

This guy is chump.  9 years of complete blows to your self-esteem.  After 9 years, you aren't thinking or seeing things clearly.  I hope you take the 5 weeks a part to realize, he's a dud.  We all can see it.  Maybe one day before it's too late, you can too.

Yes, I know when I spoke to him yesterday I was telling him you know how we were leaving have kids much later than other women in our families had done. And he said, well they all made different life choices. (to us or me). He probably meant me. You know, life choices that had allowed then to decide to have kids. 

He blames me for the choices I've made. 

I can't live like this, I want to find a way forward not back. That's why I spoke to him honestly yesterday. I felt good and free for doing so. I'm tired of all of these what ifs 

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1 minute ago, Hhbgff said:

But my boyfriend already has the better job, he makes over £4,000 each month. 

Why would he need to do better than that? Its a higher salary than most working people could imagine. 

Oh boy.  He says he can't think about getting married or having kids unless you get a better paying job.

If he makes more than enough, why is it still your fault on why you both aren't married and having kids?

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Just now, Hhbgff said:

He blames me for the choices I've made. 

Real men never would.  A good person is accountable for their own choices in life.  And you do and are a good person.  But he is just keeps telling you that you aren't good enough.  After 9 years of this, of course you believe him.  Abusive people isn't limited to people who hit or yell.

Abusive people make you believe you aren't ever enough.

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Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Oh boy.  He says he can't think about getting married or having kids unless you get a better paying job.

If he makes more than enough, why is it still your fault on why you both aren't married and having kids?

I don't know is he holding onto resentment? Is it all about the numbers and will only ever be to him? 

Does he love me and just want me to be better off and doing better? Is it out of love?? 

My salary is a terrible one though with absolutely no wiggle room for anything. 

Let me give you an example - our rent is £1400 a month. 

I only make £1300 a month. 

Edited by Hhbgff
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3 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Yes, I know when I spoke to him yesterday I was telling him you know how we were leaving have kids much later than other women in our families had done. And he said, well they all made different life choices. (to us or me). He probably meant me. You know, life choices that had allowed then to decide to have kids. 

He blames me for the choices I've made. 

All your female friends and family members have what he considers to be high paying jobs? And if so, so what?

You keep repeating the same things over and over. I understand this is extremely upsetting, but repeating it doesn't change it.

He doesn't want what you want, therefore he's the wrong man for you. No matter what his smile looks like, you two are not a compatible couple.

Do you truly want marriage and children? If so, remaining in this relationship is not the way to achieve your goals. No matter what he said a few months ago or how cute his smile is.

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Instead of just reacting to what people are saying...please take a few minutes to actually take the time to think about what we are saying.  

Even 5 minutes...a day...you have so much to unpack.

Edited by tattoobunnie
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