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Still waiting to start a family after been with my boyfriend of 9 years. Completely stuck.


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27 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

My boyfriend is still set on the idea of us buying a house in or near the seaside town he wants us to move to.

He wants us to start going on viewings to see these houses. 

 I would be able to put down a deposit on a house for us, but wont be able to contribute to any monthly expenses after that. 

By "us" does he mean using Your money to finance his dreamhouse in his dream location so He is happy and you're broke, unmarried, no children, jobless and miserable?

Do not give him one cent toward this. You're not married, he won't have kids with you. It's obvious he simply wants your inheritance to finance what He wants. Dump this loser.

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You're just repeating the same complaints over and over. You ask "but what about what I want?" Instead of asking US, why not ask HIM? He's the ruler in your relationship and you are terrified of asking him the most important questions. 

He wants your money and your savings to pay for a house for himself.

How much money is HE putting towards the down payment on this seaside house?

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Despite how you feel he is still looking at houses and has some he wants you both to look at??  Is he that thick??   He can't buy a house without your compliance.  Because you'd be buying it, afterall.

You have stated repeatedly you don't have any desire to live in the area he prefers.  But yet, he plows forward.  One has to ask why?  Because you are part of this relationship dynamic and for some reason, likely past experiences, he knows he can bulldoze you and you'll roll over.

I'd lose my mind if I told my boyfriend no repeatedly and he in turn dismissed me in this way.  To me it would scream that he didn't care.  That in itself would be a solid relationship ender for me.

The cornerstone of relationships is compromise.  When there are two people trying to meet their own needs and the needs and desires of their partner, they compromise.  You are being told how you are going to compromise.  And from what you share the list seems endless.  So much to the point it doesn't even honor who you are anymore.  There is nothing loving about this.

Where and when are any of your needs going to be met? . and please share one time with us that he compromised to see that you were happy.

Do you believe you deserve to have someone who loves you enough to care about your needs?  And if not, why?

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

He is happy and you're broke, unmarried, no children, jobless and miserable?

Do not give him one cent toward this. You're not married, he won't have kids with you. It's obvious he simply wants your inheritance to finance what He wants. Dump this loser.

Preach

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Agree with all the above.  And surely you will have an attorney prepare a contract so it's clear who is the owner and all the financial complications of buying property with someone you are not married to? Who will pay those legal fees? 

Your narrative of what he wants to do is basically a cut and paste of the same thing you wrote over and over again.  What has changed that makes this plan at all workable for you or attractive to you?

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image.png.9c55f9fd5a7fda3f46e98f3f16e551af.png

What is the fawn response?

Fawning refers to consistently abandoning your own needs to serve others to avoid conflict, criticism, or disapproval. Fawning is also called the “please and appease” response and is associated with people-pleasing and codependency.

“Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences, and boundaries,” writes Walker.

Read all here: https://psychcentral.com/health/fawn-response

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I’m curious: Do you share with your boyfriend as you do with us? 

I ask because I’m trying to understand if he’s just ignoring you, in talking about the houses and move, or if you’re not making your thoughts and feelings clear. 

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Agree with all the above.  And surely you will have an attorney prepare a contract so it's clear who is the owner and all the financial complications of buying property with someone you are not married to? Who will pay those legal fees? 

Your narrative of what he wants to do is basically a cut and paste of the same thing you wrote over and over again.  What has changed that makes this plan at all workable for you or attractive to you?

I mean if we are to buy a house. We will be set up for life, set up for a family, set up for growing old, set up for having guests to come and stay, set up for getting a pet. We will have somewhere stable of all own to live after years of renting. We won't have to do anymore moving around (unless we choose to), we won't have to make anymore decisions about where to live or where to rent. Things will feel calm, quiet and stable for us. We can start to create a nice home and start building it up into something really outstanding over the years. We have most of the furniture we need and wouldnt have to buy all that much at first. 

I would have to work on my job situation after we move, but it isnt unachievable for me to find something else. I still think a university degree could be the right and only real option for me. 

I'd be looking forward to having some time out from my 2 hour 30 minute daily commute. I'd be looking forward to being able to take countryside walks with my boyfriend and becoming more active. We both love walking and we would have countryside walks right on our doorstep. I'd be looking forward to finally having our own private garden, and spending summer evenings and weekends in it. 

Id be looking forward to seeing a change in my boyfriend and seeing him brighter and happier. He seems so worked-up, agitated and unhappy with where we currently live, especially as he has a massive problem with the next door neighbour and she is causing him so much grief on a daily basis. My boyfriend even has to work with his office curtains closed during the day to block out the neighbour. He doesnt get any daylight. I was upset for him when he told me that this his how he works. 

I want him to be free from all of this. I would be able to breathe and feel so releived for him. He has been talking about moving for months now and trying to get me on board. My boyfriend is such an enthusiastic person and i want to see him get his enthusiasm for life back, i think he would if we moved away and bought our own house. 

My dreams of having a child with my boyfriend, just seem so close and so far away at the same time. I mean if we do end up with a 2-3 bedroom house and are both working to pay it off, maybe my boyfriend will become a bit more flexible. Im not sure. Its so tough with having lost our little baby over 3 years ago. I greive every day and on my own. 

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4 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I mean if we are to buy a house. We will be set up for life, set up for a family,

Has your boyfriend said he wants this house so you two can get married and have children?

I'll ask again...how much of your boyfriend's money is going toward the down payment on this house? Not the monthly mortgage payment but the actual down payment?

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1 hour ago, Hhbgff said:

mean if we are to buy a house. We will be set up for life, set up for a family, set up for growing old, set up for having guests to come and stay, set up for getting a pet. We will have somewhere stable of all own to live after years of renting.

You know you can do this with another man who wants the same things as you? A home near city where you can thrive in your job and have more opportunities. Having a family together with as many kids as you both like. Finding a house that works for both of you and he would pay his fair share too. A man who adores you and goes out of his way to make you feel special.

You know you can, right? Right?

4 billion men out there, yet you insist on staying with this one man who doesn't want the same things as you do.

If this is what makes YOU equally happy from your heart, then go ahead. Move to a new house, get a job far away, become isolated and less connected with your friends and relatives, and get out of touch with the little left of yourself. Go to this empty house without kids because he already warned you he doesn't want any. Waste the previous years of your life on your man's fake promises. Go ahead, become a shell of yourself that this man will carry everywhere.

Go ahead. Make the move. 

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51 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I mean if we are to buy a house. We will be set up for life, set up for a family, set up for growing old, set up for having guests to come and stay, set up for getting a pet. We will have somewhere stable of all own to live after years of renting. We won't have to do anymore moving around (unless we choose to), we won't have to make anymore decisions about where to live or where to rent. Things will feel calm, quiet and stable for us. We can start to create a nice home and start building it up into something really outstanding over the years. We have most of the furniture we need and wouldnt have to buy all that much at first. 

 

Has he in any way, shape, or form, talked to you about marriage and starting the family? Buying a property with somebody doesnt mean they want marriage and kids. Buying a house can be viewed as an investment into future. But not as a surified way somebody wants marriage. Or family at all. 

Moreover, I dunno if I already asked or somebody else did, if by any chance you get separated, who gets the house? How would it be shared? Who would get expanses? You say that you cant pay expanses and that he would have to do it. If you are left with that home you would get the life you dont want it and certanly the life you cant even sustain. 

I am sorry but you have to think about stuff like that when it comes to future. I have a feeling that you think he would magically change the tune about marriage and kids because you would buy home and settle. While there is a high chance you can ruin your life with that decision and lost that inheritance on somebody else dream.

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1 hour ago, Hhbgff said:

of having a child with my boyfriend, just seem so close and so far away at the same time.

This rant seems the polar opposite of the last one. All of a sudden you're taking romantic countryside walks, when a few hours ago you were angry, panicked and frantic about the move?

Is he going to finance the house? Will your name be on the deed? Are you marrying before or going for the "unmarried co-owners" disaster? How much of the down payment is he financing?

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I think that all the writing you're doing here you should really be saying to your boyfriend. You've written a War and Peace length novel here about it all but where is the actual communication with him? Lol

You seem to be speculating a lot, thinking if you buy the house, then he'll propose, then you'll have kids. I don't think you've really been listening to him at all. I'm pretty sure he said to you recently that he doesn't want kids, it's very far from his mind or something like that. Why do you keep writing here over and over things like: "Why doesn't my boyfriend want to marry me or kids? When will this happen for me?" We DON'T KNOW. You need to be talking to him and very directly and honestly. 

You say you've been with him for ten years but you actually seem scared either of him or getting answers you don't want. Unless you're trying to write a soap opera novel I would recommend you stop writing the same things here over and over and you actually begin addressing your relationship with your boyfriend in a very serious way. 

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2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is one of the most circular threads I have ever seen here. 

I was starting to think it's a bot compiling info and repeating it in different forms.

If it's not a bot, OP needs a LOT of therapy to help her out.

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3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is one of the most circular threads I have ever seen here. 

Yep. It's a pattern with quite a few threads lately, I guess to see how many responses they can provoke by saying the same stuff over and over again.

Here's my response: Do what you want. Good luck with that.

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I think you're scared you won't get what you want and alternatively are trying to convince yourself you're getting exactly what you want. 

At the core is your absolute refusal to even consider that this man is not the right one for you. It's always "Well, if this or that or the other thing was COMPLETELY DIFFERENT we can be perfect together!!" Except those things never happen. 

Here's what is happening:

He has given you a hard deadline to get a "better" job by next July or else. He has given you an ultimatum of exactly where he expects you to buy a house for him. He has clearly told you he won't even consider marriage or children anytime in the next few years AT LEAST. 

Where in all that is a place for you to get the things you wish for?

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4 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

I mean if we are to buy a house. We will be set up for life, set up for a family, set up for growing old, set up for having guests to come and stay, set up for getting a pet. We will have somewhere stable of all own to live after years of renting. We won't have to do anymore moving around (unless we choose to), we won't have to make anymore decisions about where to live or where to rent. Things will feel calm, quiet and stable for us. We can start to create a nice home and start building it up into something really outstanding over the years. We have most of the furniture we need and wouldnt have to buy all that much at first. 

What -with all due respect -completely bizarre assumptions based on all you've written about how your boyfriend regards you and interacts with you. 

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