Still waiting to start a family after been with my boyfriend of 9 years. Completely stuck.

[Hhbgff]

 

Hello, 

I would appreciate any advice or thoughts on my LIFE situation here. 

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 9 years and I would like to have a family together now. 

I am approaching turning 30 in November and my boyfriend will be turning 27 in August. 

My boyfriend was nagging me yesterday about getting my birth control renewed after 3 years. I am  upset about it, what does he want or think is going to happen? We keep on putting off having children for years until the window of opportunity is gone? When can we consider our options? I really wanted to say something, but I bit my tongue. 

He has been bringing up having children or starting a family multiple times the past year or two and he has told me that he has started to come round to the idea after not feeling ready or feeling too young and thinks it would be something nice for us. He has told me it's something he wants with me and I could really tell! We both met his niece for the first time a few months ago and we were spending time with her, my boyfriend was saying things to me like "I think we'd have a great set-up when we're parents. We'd be a great team, wouldn't we? ", "It does make you wonder, what our child would be like", "It's really nice having a child in the family". There's been plenty of other ocassions too, he told me that he was speaking to his friend about goals in life for the next few years and my boyfriend said that he only has two goals which were to buy a house and raise a family. We had a weekend away in a different city and we were talking about potentially moving or buying a house there, my boyfriend was saying that he really wanted us to consider buying a house somewhere where there will be plenty of activities and things for 'our kids' to do as they grow up. He said that he couldn't stop wondering about it.  He keeps saying "When we have a child in a couple of years.." and he's told me he wants to be a young parent. We both have the same colour and he's been saying things like "Our baby would probably have brown hair like us, but I'd like it to have your colour eyes". I know that we both want children. 

My colleague at work has told me before that she thinks I'd make a lovely mum and has asked if me and my boyfriend are going to have kids. 

We are now thinking about buying a house and my boyfriend has been making suggestions about us having a 3-bedroom house so that we would have room for a child. I received a £60,000 inheritance from my grandparents last year, so this money would be used towards buying a house. We have a mortgage in principle. We have been renting for the past 9 years and have never owned our own home. I mean if we are to buy a house we probably still wouldn't be able to afford a child anyway or that's why my boyfriend thinks. 

My boyfriend wants us to own our own home before we have a child. He has also been telling me over the years that I need to find a better job or career. I have been working in an entry-level job, making only £19,000 per year for the last 3 years. It is a very low salary. My boyfriend makes £80,000 per year. He has told me many times that he wants thinks to be more equal between us in a financial sense, which I get but after 9 years my heart is bursting to have a child. I'm almost 30! My boyfriend has said before that he doesn't want us to go into debt if we have a child, especially as childcare costs are so high and we'd have to make a financial plan before we could even consider it. 

I suppose he thinks that we couldn't afford to raise a child or he wants me to be doing better financially before we make the commitment to have a child. 

My boyfriend also wants us to move out of London (where my job is) to buy a house outside of London. He works remotely so he would be able to carry on working. I would have to quit my job and the plan would be that I would take some time out to find a new career - go to college, university, find an apprenticeship or something. I do want to buy a house, but we still wouldn't consider starting a family, would we, because I wouldn't have a job? Everything is on hold because of me and my low salary. 

I was thinking that maybe I could keep my low salary job and we could buy a house or flat here in the area we are currently living and try to start a family. I don't think this would be an option for my boyfriend though, he has told me many times that I can do better than the job I have and that I need to sort something out. 

I'm now starting to get angsty and inpatient about leaving it too late. I don't know if we can afford to keep on putting off having a family for much longer or if I want to. I know that this doesn't sound good, but I am starting to get resentful. It just seems terribly unfair. I had an abortion with our child 3 years ago, and I don't want to have to live regretting this for the rest of my life. It is unbearably painful and I desperately wanted our child to have a life with us, but my boyfriend was completely set against it and wouldn't consider it. It would have been my parents first and only grandchild, which has pained me to the core. 

Why can't my boyfriend see the good in me? I may only make a low salary, but I work hard and commute nearly 3 hours everyday, barely having breaks at work. Why can't he commit to me? Why can't he compromise for me? Why can't we make something work after so many years? We are a great couple. Life is much too short for all of this! 😕

Why can't it be us? Why can't he choose me? Why don't I deserve things like everybody else? ... 

I honestly just feel like I still don't have any choice about having a child after all of these years and it's really hard. 

Edited July 18 by Hhbgff
Hh

[MissCanuck]

OP, this is the same guy who cheated on you and was just out with this other woman a few nights ago. 

He doesn't want a family with you, and barely wants the relationship anymore either. Again, you're still focusing on the wrong things and not wanting to face reality.

[Hhbgff]

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, this is the same guy who cheated on you and was just out with this other woman a few nights ago. 

He doesn't want a family with you, and barely wants the relationship anymore either. Again, you're still focusing on the wrong things and not wanting to face reality.

That did not happen in the end actually. It was a big misunderstanding on my side. It was a completely different woman from Australia that contacted my boyfriend and my boyfriend is going to arrange for us all to go out for drinks together. He's told me that she is looking for a friend in London and he thinks me and her could be potential friends. He was only out with her for a bit and home by 9pm.

Edited July 18 by Hhbgff

[MissCanuck]

I don't mean to be unkind, but do you actually believe that?

Regardless, your relationship is still full of serious problems. Your boyfriend still doesn't sound at all invested anymore, and that is why he doesn't want to have kids with you. He knows that would mean a much more permanent situation, which he doesn't appear to want. 

I'm sorry. 

[Hhbgff]

49 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't mean to be unkind, but do you actually believe that?

Regardless, your relationship is still full of serious problems. Your boyfriend still doesn't sound at all invested anymore, and that is why he doesn't want to have kids with you. He knows that would mean a much more permanent situation, which he doesn't appear to want. 

I'm sorry. 

Look, have you read the details of my post? We are thinking about buying a house together now and my boyfriend has been talking more and more about having a family. 

It was not the same girl. It was a big misunderstanding, I asummed it was but it was somebody else he met at a hostel. She had a different name, different nationality (she is from Malaysia, but lived in Australia), different occupation. He told me all of these things about her. My boyfriend even said that we can all arrange for her to come and visit the area we live in and then go on a country walk together. He said that she is looking for friends and that he can introduce us as friends. I can't possibly believe that my boyfriend would have just made or fabricated all of that up. 

Edited July 18 by Hhbgff

[indea08]

Hhbgff…MissCanuck is correct. It does not matter that you’ve managed to put a bandaid over this one particular incident. This relationship is foundationally unhealthy and making major life changes (buying a house or having a baby) is going to AMPLIFY that, not correct it.

I watched this go on and on for pages on your last thread, so I will be blunt on this one. You will not have the happy, harmonious future you desire with this guy. Leave, or settle.

Edited July 18 by indea08

[Hhbgff]

14 minutes ago, indea08 said:

Hhbgff…MissCanuck is correct. It does not matter that you’ve managed to put a bandaid over this one particular instance. This relationship is foundationally unhealthy and making major life changes (buying a house or having a baby) is going to AMPLIFY that, not correct it.

I watched this go on and on for pages on your last thread, so I will be blunt on this one. You will not have the happy, harmonious future you desire with this guy. Leave, or settle.

Settle? What do you mean? I'm tired of settling. 

My boyfriend in the love of my life, the apple of my eye. I've wrote about my feelings in the previous thread. 

Why do you think that we won't have a happy or harmonious future together? I thought that we wanted the same things

Edited July 18 by Hhbgff

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Hhbgff said:

My boyfriend was nagging me yesterday about getting my birth control renewed after 3 years. I received a £60,000 inheritance from my grandparents last year, so this money would be used towards buying a house.

Unfortunately, he just wants to ride bareback, not have a committed relationship or family with you. Do not put him on the deed if you pay for a house with your inheritance. After 8 years not being engaged or moving forward is a red flag. He's coasting along.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Hhbgff said:

I really wanted to say something, but I bit my tongue. 

This seems to pretty much sum up your entire relationship.

You're frightened to speak honestly to your boyfriend. Why is that?

[catfeeder]

44 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Settle? What do you mean? I'm tired of settling. 

My boyfriend in the love of my life, the apple of my eye. I've wrote about my feelings in the previous thread. 

Why do you think that we won't have a happy or harmonious future together? I thought that we wanted the same things

What does BF say when you tell him the things you've written here? He's the only one who can give you your answers.

[Hhbgff]

31 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This seems to pretty much sum up your entire relationship.

You're frightened to speak honestly to your boyfriend. Why is that?

What ground do I have to stand on to even suggest starting a family?.. 

My boyfriend has been asking me for years to find a better paying job and do better for myself or for us. My boyfriend has been paying the majority of our living expenses every month - rent, bills and holidays for example. I can only contribute £800 to our joint account every month. If I was to speak up, it would probably all come straight back to me anyway. I would be the one to blame for things not progressing, maybe not to blame but maybe I'd be the one at fault. 

I would like for my boyfriend to know my concerns about waiting too long. What if we even want to have more than one child eventually?  I don't want us to regret putting having a child of for so long

Edited July 18 by Hhbgff

[trezeralietas]

Hi there. Have you spoken to your boyfriend about all of these thoughts/wishes/desires? You assume or think you're on the same page with the same desires and goals, but do you know for sure, from the horse's mouth?

 

Have you (recently) directly and pointedly said to your boyfriend what it is you want? What your vision is for your future together? If so, has he reciprocated? Has he specifically said he wants those things with you? Or, are you operating on assumptions from the early days of your relationship coupled with nonspecific, vague, offhanded comments your boyfriend makes about children/family/etc?

 

To be honest, from where I stand, and almost every other poster in this thread and your last, it appears you're boyfriend is using your career/earnings as an excuse not to move forward in a concrete way. Would you be willing to look for a new job or gain new education/certifications if it meant getting the marriage/house/family you want?  I don't believe you should have you do that. But what I believe doesn't matter. If that's the caveat for your boyfriend, then that's the hoop you have to consider jumping through. If you don't think that's reasonable or fair, then you have your answer: it's time to rethink your future with this guy. 

 

I'm sorry.

[tattoobunnie]

So instead of paying for such expensive childcare, why can't you be a stay at home mom since you don't make much.  I mean, you are bringing a great down payment for a home.  What is he bringing to the table...nothing. That's right, nothing.

I read your other post, and read this one.  He doesn't want to marry you and does not want kids with you.  That's it.  Not sure how much more clearer this can be.

My hubs hasn't work half of our marriage, and we lived in a tiny arse apartment with our 1st kid for 2.5 years, and he provided childcare.  And I consider us equal and what is mine is his and vice versa.  You don't need a 3 bedroom with a baby.  Nor are they expecting a silver spoon.  The "goals" he sets for you are time stallers till he finds someone else.

Don't you dare buy a house with him where he is bringing nothing to the table.  A 50/50 mindset is fine, but it means you both contribute in your own way...does not mean the exact same way.

Edited July 18 by tattoobunnie

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

That did not happen in the end actually. It was a big misunderstanding on my side. It was a completely different woman from Australia that contacted my boyfriend and my boyfriend is going to arrange for us all to go out for drinks together. He's told me that she is looking for a friend in London and he thinks me and her could be potential friends. He was only out with her for a bit and home by 9pm.

If you really believe that, I have a crate of good Yugoslavian wine to sell you

Anyway, dont go into family with the guy that wanted to cheat you, doesnt even want to sleep in the same bed as you, and even made you abort a baby before. That is a divorce waiting to happen. "But I love him" is not an excuse. When its obvious to everyone here from your writing that its him who doesnt want to even start a family and that its you who is doing

2 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

I really wanted to say something, but I bit my tongue. 

every time he tries to cheat or to avoid and postpone starting anything serious like marriage and family. That guy wont commit to you. And with that attitude you have, you will be left alone after a few years more of his behavior. Wondering why did you gave your best years to somebody who clearly doesnt love you or wants a future there.

[boltnrun]

How successful do you think a marriage would be when you feel like a third class citizen and you fear speaking up for yourself?

Anyway, hasn't he been declining to have sex with you or even share a bed with you? How are you two supposed to marry and how are you supposed to become pregnant?

Again, how successful do you think this marriage would be if you somehow managed to convince him to marry you? And how can you convince him to marry you and impregnate you when you are too frightened to speak up and ask for what you want?

I get you want marriage and children. Terrific, those are normal goals. But the other person in the relationship would have to want the same things.

Please, do not put him in the title if you do use your own (considerable) funds to purchase a house.

[Hhbgff]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

If you really believe that, I have a crate of good Yugoslavian wine to sell you

Anyway, dont go into family with the guy that wanted to cheat you, doesnt even want to sleep in the same bed as you, and even made you abort a baby before. That is a divorce waiting to happen. "But I love him" is not an excuse. When its obvious to everyone here from your writing that its him who doesnt want to even start a family and that its you who is doing

every time he tries to cheat or to avoid and postpone starting anything serious like marriage and family. That guy wont commit to you. And with that attitude you have, you will be left alone after a few years more of his behavior. Wondering why did you gave your best years to somebody who clearly doesnt love you or wants a future there.

I don't agree with you there. It was not the same woman. I can't for a second believe that my boyfriend would have made up a whole new person, she had a differrent name, nationality, career to the original woman who was sexting with him. My boyfriend even wants me to meet her and for us to potentially become new friends. He told me about her as soon as he got back and he reassured me that everything was fine and there was nothing to worry about as he knew I had gotten a bit worked up about it. He was really pleased to see me when he got back and even complemented my hair and called me "pretty girl". 

We are and have been sleeping in the same bed, we have never not been. It's just the sex that stopped for weeks. 

Edited July 18 by Hhbgff

[SooSad33]

7 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

It was not the same woman. I can't for a second believe that my boyfriend would have made up a whole new person, she had a differrent name, nationality, career to the original woman who was sexting with him

Okay, but there was a woman sexting with him? 😕 

 

I am sorry, but I do feel YOU are living in a world that is not your own.  You are NOT happy at all... but more frustrated and almost desperate.. for something positive to happen for you. 

Not a way to live.. is it?

As you, yourself mentioned... " It is unbearably painful and I desperately wanted our child to have a life with us, but my boyfriend was completely set against it and wouldn't consider it. "

"Why can't my boyfriend see the good in me? I may only make a low salary, but I work hard and commute nearly 3 hours everyday, barely having breaks at work. Why can't he commit to me? Why can't he compromise for me? Why can't we make something work after so many years? We are a great couple. Life is much too short for all of this!"

--Exactly--

 

- YOU have been going by HIS rules 😕 

- You do not feel appreciated OR that you are moving ahead at all! -- And you've been doing this 'his way' for 9 years?  *sigh*.

Let me tell you a couple of things from my side re: women.

- My sister removed herself from a relationship at one time ( also about 9 yrs), as she realised what she had with her bf was NOT what she desired anymore.  Their relationship had fizzled out.  He was stuck in his own world, drugs, etc... She was just done - finally left him.

 - My brother became a dad abt 10 yrs ago, after the first 2 my mom & sister were talking about hearing him say he did not want anymore ( maybe), so we all thought, okay they'll stop at 2.  Wrong, lol... and mom explained that it is the woman who decides 😉 .  My sis in law got prego again,, and today, they have 4 and now, there will be no more.

SO, here you are, 9 yrs in and have not managed to get YOUR life going how you feel fit, all because of YOUR income? Wow.. anymore excuses? 

My first ex and I had our first by time I was 23 ( after being together about 5 yrs).  We did not own a home, but he worked full time, me p/t. ( and of course, my income stopped after I had the baby).

So please sit back and take a good look at all of this you are in.... How healthy is this relationship?  Why has it all been up to him?  Why was he sexting someone at one point?  Does he reallly want kids ( w/ you?).

YOU are frustrated beyond belief and you are not happy.. right?  I wouldn't be either..

And tbh, I would not even consider kids with someone like this, knowing all I do about him! 😕 ( Like it is all about him - no compromises, understanding, sexting another woman, lack of intimacy and no kids after 9 yrs).

IMO, I would be be done by now.... move on, get a place of my own and give up on that bs.

Again, I am sorry .. I do feel for you! .. I feel your pains 😞 

Is it time now to think for YOU?  

Stop letting this guy decide how it's going to be & preventing you from having a life YOU want?

 

[Hhbgff]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

How successful do you think a marriage would be when you feel like a third class citizen and you fear speaking up for yourself?

Anyway, hasn't he been declining to have sex with you or even share a bed with you? How are you two supposed to marry and how are you supposed to become pregnant?

Again, how successful do you think this marriage would be if you somehow managed to convince him to marry you? And how can you convince him to marry you and impregnate you when you are too frightened to speak up and ask for what you want?

I get you want marriage and children. Terrific, those are normal goals. But the other person in the relationship would have to want the same things.

Please, do not put him in the title if you do use your own (considerable) funds to purchase a house.

He hasn't been declining to share a bed with me. It's just that he's stopped initiating sex with me. 

Have you read the 5th paragraph of my thread? My boyfriend has said that he wants a future and a child with me and has given numerous examples of this in the PAST YEAR. He's told me before that he just wants to be proud of us as a couple. He has told me these things in the past year. He has said that he wants us to work toward having a child together. 

I don't know, I honestly feel like in on my own here. My boyfriend makes a considerable vast amount of money, but we still can't consider having a child after years and years of waiting and putting it off and putting it off and postponing it and postponing it.  At the end of all of this, are we even going to have a chance to have a child? 

Why can't we work together? 

How could I speak up about having a child when I haven't improved my situation? What will my boyfriend think of that? I don't have any stable ground to stand on. 

Don't worry! I wouldn't be able to afford to buy a house on my own anyway. 

Edited July 18 by Hhbgff

[Hhbgff]

He is going to ask me about getting my birth control renewed again tonight. I honestly feel like saying, *** it. I've been on it for the past 9 years and I want a chance to have a child at least or at least a break from taking it. I'm responsible,reliable and hardworking. It breaks my heart that my boyfriend is too selfish or money oriented to see anything else. I don't know what his perogative is. I feel in my heart that I want to have a child and I don't want to leave it much longer. We are going to start running out of time. Maybe, if we had more of a concrete plan or timeline that would at least be better. 

Edited July 18 by Hhbgff

[boltnrun]

He brought it up in the past year WITH REQUIREMENTS. All of which are designed to actually prevent marriage and children from happening. 

What is he saying now? How recently did he tell you he wants marriage and children with you? Last week? Last month?

6 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Why can't we work together? 

 

7 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

What will my boyfriend think of that?

You won't address the question that many of us have asked, which is why you're so absolutely terrified to talk to your boyfriend about what you want. You seem to think he's the only one who gets to express himself. You also haven't addressed how you expect to have a successful marriage and family in a relationship where you believe your thoughts, feelings and wants are unimportant or disregarded.

A successful marriage is a team, not a dictatorship. You seem to be acting like a fearful child instead of an equal partner.

Remember, in order for him to love you enough to marry you he needs to respect you. Without respect there cannot possibly be love. Tiptoeing around fearfully is not sexy or attractive.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

He is going to ask me about getting my birth control renewed again tonight. I honestly feel like saying, *** it. 

Do not get pregnant accidentally-on-purpose to hang on to an uncommitted man. Make him wear condoms. 

[SooSad33]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do not get pregnant accidentally-on-purpose to hang on to an uncommitted man. Make him wear condoms. 

Exactly!  Always end up w/ regrets in this situation. Never have a kid w/ someone in order to 'try and keep them'.  Doesn't work.

 

[indea08]

There is so much backpedaling, excusing, and self doubt in literally everything you say. You can’t even speak your mind to this man. This is NOT healthy. And it will not become healthy with the addition of a house or baby. If you want to be wholly happy, this relationship needs to end. You have the potential to be happy with the right guy, don’t settle for this one. And I’m not saying he’s bad and you’re good or vice versa. I’m saying you’re just wrong for each other.

[Hhbgff]

3 hours ago, trezeralietas said:

Hi there. Have you spoken to your boyfriend about all of these thoughts/wishes/desires? You assume or think you're on the same page with the same desires and goals, but do you know for sure, from the horse's mouth?

 

Have you (recently) directly and pointedly said to your boyfriend what it is you want? What your vision is for your future together? If so, has he reciprocated? Has he specifically said he wants those things with you? Or, are you operating on assumptions from the early days of your relationship coupled with nonspecific, vague, offhanded comments your boyfriend makes about children/family/etc?

 

To be honest, from where I stand, and almost every other poster in this thread and your last, it appears you're boyfriend is using your career/earnings as an excuse not to move forward in a concrete way. Would you be willing to look for a new job or gain new education/certifications if it meant getting the marriage/house/family you want?  I don't believe you should have you do that. But what I believe doesn't matter. If that's the caveat for your boyfriend, then that's the hoop you have to consider jumping through. If you don't think that's reasonable or fair, then you have your answer: it's time to rethink your future with this guy. 

 

I'm sorry.

No, he haven't exactly sat down and had a long talk about our vision for our future together. It's always been held back by my job for YEARS now. At the start-middle of our relationship we both had the goal/fantasy of me finding a job which I could do remotely which would enable us to spend a year working abroad somewhere exotic together like Thailand. Then, we've wanted to buy our own house and be rid of renting gor years. 

I received an inheritance last year. 

Now, all the talk is about us buying a house and from that comes the talk of having a family in a "couple of years". Of course, when I have a better paying job or career and I'm doing better financially. 

He has said he wants these things with me yes. He has been starting sentances with things like "when we have kids in a couple of years" and he told me that he told his friend that they were speaking about goals for the near future and my boyfriend told him that his only goals were buying a house and raising a family. This was just a few months ago. All of the talk of family has been in the past year. Before that, he never mentioned anything or had any incling it was what he wanted for us I think. 

I do not mind undertaking whatever it takes to find a better career or job option,but my boyfriend has told me before that he is tired of waiting around for me. He told me once when we got in a blow-up that he would only give me another year to wait around for me to do better. 

I'm working an entry level job and I'm nearly 30. It's a job that anybody could do. I'm not particularly proud. I want a better salary and more freedom and flexibility. I want to be able to make and reach goals for myself which I can't with this job. It only pays just above minimum wage. I couldn't even afford to pay the rent on our house on my own. 

There is a university degree I could potentially see myself doing and I have the money to fund it. 

With all the talk of me and the boyfriend buying a house, I don't know how university would fit into any of that. I told my boyfriend a few months back about potentially going to university and doing a 3-4 year degree and he asked me what about the timeline for having kids. He said that he wouldn't want to have kids that late or we would be leaving it quite late or something. 

I've also got an interview for an apprenticeship tomorrow. 

I am open to a new career or job, I know it would really better my life. 

At the same time and sorry to contradict, I'm turning 30 soon. I want a family, as you know! It seems a bit unfair to have be thinking about making such big life chances after being in a relationship for 9 years and when we were both thinking we wanted kids. 

But maybe it's on me, I've wasted time. 

To be honest, I do think it's reasonable or fair for my boyfriend to expect this just about. If he was working a job that only paid just above minimum wage, I would want him to have a job with ambitions and goals. I would want him to do better for us and our future children.

I do not think that I would want us or suggest that we put everything on hold for 9 years and counting now. I would find a compromise for him. 

Its all going to end up hitting me in the face. It's too much. I have to commence a new career, get settled in that and be successful and then think about having a child or children, actually falling pregnant if we haven't left it too late. How can I know? I've always wanted two children as well. It's all on me, isn't it? 

I honestly feel completely alone. 

I guess my only hope or option is an apprenticeship? I don't know. I feel hopeless and left in the dark. 

Edited July 18 by Hhbgff

[boltnrun]

You make it sound like getting a better paying job with potential for advancement is just about the worst possible thing you can imagine.

If you don't want this for yourself, why would you do it? Just to try to "keep" this guy?

There has to be a reason why you have never tried for a different job. Most of the time when someone doesn't do something it's because they don't want to.