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£11000 Debt, give her another chance? Please help :(


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Thanks for taking time to read/respond (if you do)
I am a Male (28) my partner is Female (28) (We will name her Sarah to remain anonymous)

We have been together 8 years

The issues first started back in 2015 when we wasn't living together, (Sarah was living with her parents, i was living with mine) I found a Credit Card letter under her bed which shown she owed £500, this wasn't that big of a deal at the time, she was well into her overdraft so I payed it off for her at the time (she then payed me back over a few months time) she apologised and said she would never do it again.

In 2017 we agreed we wanted to eventually get a house together so we both decided to start saving. I opened a Help to Buy ISA and maxed it out the most I could, randomly one weekend Sarah came to me and said "I have also opened an ISA but am not putting as much in as you but are starting to save" the goal was to move in together within 1-2 Years

At the end of 2017, Sarah's mum contacts me and asks me to come over to her house. When I got there Sarah and her mum were sat there at the table with Sarah in tears. Sarahs mother explained that Sarah has £3000 debt to catalogues and loans which she had used to fund gambling. I then found out that the ISA never existed and she made it up.
On this occasion my partners mother and step Dad bailed her out and payed her debt off by borrowing a loan themselves which Sarah then agreed to pay back over a year.

At the time i was devastated, I never really recovered personally if im honest as the trust in the relationship was shattered. Over time it started to build & things were forgotten

Around mid 2018 Sarah was getting itchy feet and wanted to move in together so we found a house and I got the house solely in my name as Sarah had no deposit and a terrible credit rating. (Keep this in mind as this raises so many issues later on in the relationship)

When we got the house I told Sarah to save up over a 5 year period and when we come to re-mortgage we will add her on onto it as she could give me half of the original deposit. I payed for all the work on the house and going forward Sarah would pay half for the bills/food but NOT the mortgage

Skip forward to end 2020

Sarah wakes me early in the morning saying she has done something terrible, her phone has been cut off and she is in another £3000 debt to gambling websites. At the time I had no money to bail her out as I had up until that point spent all my money on the house (renovating etc..) our only option at this point was her real Dad (who she is most closest with) I called him and explained the situation, he gave her the money but said if this ever happens again he would never speak to her. Sarah then said she would never do it again as she didn't want her Dad to disown her. Once again I struggled to get over the deception but as I had nobody to speak to personally I bottled it up and moved on. We spoke about what was causing the gambling and at the time Sarah said it was because of a crash she had at the time which led to this spirally out of control gambling and a way of dealing with it. At the time I offered to help her with her finances by taking control (checking her bank) and keeping ontop to ensure she didn't slip again. Around 6-10 months later i had stopped checking and Sarah had changed her banking password so I couldn't see. I confronted at the time but Sarah said she hadn't changed it (but now she has come clean she actually did)
Sarah also had a block on her bank so she couldn't use her bank to make payments to gambling sites

Extra note - I told Sarah if she wanted to show her Dad she was sorry she needed to pay him back, you guessed it to this day she never has.

I told you about the crash pervious, well she had/has a claim still on going, Sarah wanted me to chase the claim as her pursuing it brought back bad memories of her crash so she left me to her emails and chasing the case.

Skip forward to now.
A few weeks ago I was chasing the claim up and checked her deleted box to see if she had deleted anything as we had not heard anything since March.
I noticed multiple £50 - £100 payments to a 3rd party money site which was paying Casino sites (So as the bank blocked payments directed to gambling sites, Sarah was paying a money transfer site to pay the gambling sites as a way of getting round the block)

I added up all the deleted emails as far back as they went and it added up to around £1500.
I then slept on this information for a few weeks deciding how to approach the situation. I dropped multiple hints to Sarah in the hope she would come clean and wouldn't have to confess I knew of her secret. Sarah never came clean so I had to confront her.
When I confronted her in I found out the debt was £11000 this time which had been racked up over a 4 month period.
I am honestly devastated, Ive never felt so low in my life, Sarah had watched me pay for work on her car and pay for so much stuff over the past few months without once thinking of coming clean, this is were we are at now
- I have told her I no longer want a relationship at this time. I wanted her to move out and live away while she got help and I could recover personally but Sarah said unless there is a guarantee we will try again she doesn't want to move away on a temporary basis
- I have offered to get a loan to bail her out and she pays me back over 2 years

- Sarah is now saying her triggers for gambling are loneliness (when I go to the gym at nights after work) this is when she use to do it.
- Sarah is saying that its my fault as she feels lonely and I don't spend enough time with her

- Sarah said she deserves another chance as she is actually making changes to stop gambling, going to gambling rehab classes, speaking with Gamstop etc..

Do I give her another chance as she is now seeking help or will she do this again (i currently have no respect for her or trust in our relationship), Is this fixable or am I wasting years of my life ?

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1 hour ago, SISCO66 said:

wanted to move in together so we found a house and I got the house solely in my name. I payed for all the work on the house and going forward Sarah would pay half for the bills/food but NOT the mortgage

I confronted her in I found out the debt was £11000 this time which had been racked up over a 4 month period.- I have offered to get a loan to bail her out and she pays me back over 2 years

Dating someone who has a secret life of addictions or compulsions is the road to headaches and heartaches. End it before she taps into your funds, you're already suffering financially because of her selfish compulsion..

Ask her to move out so you're not her next victim, you're just a wallet to her. Don't buy into the crocodile tears of 'she's changing, give her a chance, etc.' As soon as you do she'll squander all the money. Do not "lend" her money, you'll never see it again.

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Why keep compounding your losses? If you had paid attention to the initial loss of trust, you could have moved on to find a loving, responsible partner to share your life with. 

Instead, you've kept investing your focus on someone who keeps making worthless promises but creates bigger trails of destruction for everyone who enables her. 

Does that make sense?

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My dad was addicted to gambling in the stock market and has been since he was 30. 50 years later, he's lost over 2 million over the years.  Cashed in my mom's life insurance policy without telling her, and has also had to have my mom bail him out with $30K in taxes when he secretly cashed in all his 401K.  He is broke and has nothing, but my mom who always bails him out.  But he built a life to have a certain lifestyle with owning restaurants and property in different areas.  And he was able to save money as well.  

My SILs dad was addicted to betting on sports.  He had a super fancy home in a super fancy town...and now lives in a run down 1 bedroom in the city.

This girl is a straight-up deadbeat.  Gamblers are they cheaters...they are addicted to the rush, and never give it up.

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