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I got stuck for years


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Hi guys

 

I’m completely ***ed up by my feelings. I’m married and have been with her for 9 years, we married in 2019 and moved from South America to England since then, but to be honest, I never forgot a crush I had 6 years ago.

I don’t get along well with my wife, we very often have arguments, and my love for her is not enough to maintain a healthy relationship. This might be because I have never forgotten a crush I had on a girl 6 years ago and it’s also definitely because we have different tempers, moods, personalities, tastes and etc.

I’m not brave enough to break up this relationship and move on, I don’t know exactly all the reasons I don’t break up, but I’m going to list some:

·         I think she wouldn’t survive here in this country without me, either financially and because she hasn’t learned the language spoken here yet, she has barely tried though and that really pisses me off, her lack of attitude in life.

·         I might be afraid of being alone

·         Her daughter, my “daughter”, I would miss her a lot, I’m not her real father but still the feelings for her.

I have started attending therapy online, and the therapist is encouraging me to contact my crush, she believes the crush is the one I should be with.

I’m lost because I don’t want to contact the crush while being in a relationship with someone else. She might think I just want to cheat on my wife.

 

 

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17 minutes ago, dell2022 said:

I’m married and have been with her for 9 years, we married in 2019 and moved from South America to England 

 I have started attending therapy online, and the therapist is encouraging me to contact my crush, she believes the crush is the one I should be with.

 Sorry this is happening. Are you both working? Why did you marry her? Where is this old flame now?

Why are you doing "online therapy"? It's doubtful a licensed therapist told you to contact an old crush attempting to cheat rather than work on your marriage.

There's really only 2 people you need to contact. A qualified licensed physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health as well as a referral to a qualified therapist.

And an attorney to discuss your options in the event of divorce.

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5 hours ago, dell2022 said:

I have started attending therapy online, and the therapist is encouraging me to contact my crush, she believes the crush is the one I should be with.

 

I  think you should change therapist. Because that is abysmal advice.

Your "crush" is just a representation of something you desire. You are not happy in your marriage. So you want out and imagine that your life would be better with somebody else. Its a fantasy above all, as you dont know if you would be happier there, nore even if your crush is single or that she wants you. But its nice to imagine that maybe your life would be better if things were different.

Get the courage and "solve" your marriage first. You need to divorce and settle your things. After that, you can contact whoever you want. Even former crushes.

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Your wife is stressed because of her new location. She is away from family and friends, she doesn't know the language very well, so she's feeling very lost/lonely. This would make anyone irritated/on edge. You need to get your head out of your fantasy world. Your crush is gone and done. They probably are not the person you remembered, and they most likely have moved on. You are thinking about this crush because it makes you feel good and you are using this as an escape from your issues. The worse things get in your personal life the more you use your fantasy (crush) to alleviate your stress. Cut it out. Things will get better with your wife if you show her some empathy, comfort her, and support her. Help her by locating a group in your area that is from her native country. We have them here, so there must be something there. People she can connect with, and feel more at home. 

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6 hours ago, dell2022 said:

I’m completely ***ed up by my feelings. I’m married and have been with her for 9 years, we married in 2019 and moved from South America to England since then, but to be honest, I never forgot a crush I had 6 years ago.

I don’t get along well with my wife, we very often have arguments, and my love for her is not enough to maintain a healthy relationship.

So, together 9 years, married for the last 3....

Did you move after marriage?

Were YOU truly wanting to move? ( I am assuming you both moved to a diff country from your origin?).

- Every couple has arguments.. but is relationship strong enough to work through it? ( IMO, you are feeling miserable for reasons and are looking for a way out).

- IF 'your love' is not enough to maintain this, then you need to be honest with her & yourself.  But, do NOT bring some 'crush' into this. ( Is like looking into a 'fantasy'. ( as mentioned, you have no idea what this person from 6 yrs ago is doing today. eg. in a relationship.. or married, etc -- correct?).

So, if you're not into what you've got anymore, then yes, you deal with the present.  Get out of it. ( remove the guilt feelings-- why live in something you really don't want anymore?)  - Can you two not move back to where you came from? ( or decide separately?). 

Figure your stuff out and deal with it. 

And I do agree, you've gotten stuck on this idea of your past crush. Unable to shake that, thinking it's something better for you.

 

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16 hours ago, dell2022 said:

the therapist is encouraging me to contact my crush, she believes the crush is the one I should be with.

I would fire the therapist and find one who is ethical.

Therapists are supposed to help you arrive at your own conclusions rather than substitute their opinion for your own.

The goal isn't to find a therapist with a total opposite opinion, either.

Tell next therapist during assessment time what happened with this one, and stress that you want to find someone who can offer you some tools and techniques for finding your OWN opinions.

From there, a qualified therapist can teach you ways to explore your options and how to consider those and make your best choices for your SELF.

This builds confidence in your own decision making abilities, because the goal of a GOOD therapist is to work him/herself out of a job with each client.

Sorry you're going through this, and I'm especially sorry you've wasted your time and money on a professional dud.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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