Deleting vs deactivating online dating apps

[Angel_325]

Hi all, I'm curious everyone's thoughts on this. If you met a guy online and decided to be exclusive after a few weeks not because you're in a serious relationship but just for health and safety reasons, plus you like each other, but then a few weeks later decided that you want to see if this can turn into a more meaningful relationship, would you delete or deactivate your online dating accounts?

What if a partner paid for a year-long membership and they can't get their money back so they are somewhat hesitant to delete the profile but are willing to deactivate it and are not logging in. Let's say you've been dating exclusively for about 4 months by that point.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

  they can't get their money back so they are somewhat hesitant to delete the profile but are willing to deactivate it and are not logging in. Let's say you've been dating exclusively for about 4 months by that point.

As long as you trust each other to be exclusive it's all that matters.

12 weeks dating is a good time to get to know each other and focus on the budding relationship.

Unfortunately you can't tell someone what to do with their accounts.

Trying to fast forward or force relationships doesn't really work.

You don't need dating app memberships to end a relationship. With or without an active subscription, notice other aspects.

It's like letting a magazine subscription run out but not reading them.

What is the angst about?

[Kwothe28]

Well, you are not exactly exclusive if he/she searches for somebody else. Subscription doesnt mean  thing when you are not planning on using it. That means that they either want safety net that if this doesnt work out they can get back on dating apps right away. Or that they dont plan to stop using it. Keep in mind that they can just block you there so you seemingly wont be able to find them.

It comes down to trust. Whether you trust them they will not use it. Whether they betray that trust or not, that is on them.

[Rose Mosse]

16 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

decided to be exclusive after a few weeks not because you're in a serious relationship but just for health and safety reasons, plus you like each other, but then a few weeks later decided that you want to see if this can turn into a more meaningful relationship, would you delete or deactivate your online dating accounts?

It sounds like it's rushed to physical intimacy too quickly or started off as something casual. One person is emotionally attached and the other remains aloof but enjoys it. If you're the one that's getting attached, change things around and suggest to do other activities and get to know one another more. 

You're paying attention to the wrong thing. Pay more attention to how he/she treats you outside of bed, their mannerisms, habits and routines. Don't stay stuck with someone you hardly know.

You'll want to watch how the other person treats others, what their friends are like, how they live, eat, sleep or run things in their world. 

That's how you turn it into a more meaningful relationship and avoid inconsistencies and incompatibilities early on.

[Lambert]

21 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

What if a partner paid for a year-long membership and they can't get their money back so they are somewhat hesitant to delete the profile but are willing to deactivate it and are not logging in.

Then I guess what they're saying is they don't think it will last with you? 

I don't know it's a slippery slope. 4 months IMO is enough time to say, I don't want to meet anyone else. 

If they tell you they aren't sure, I would take that to mean, they are killing time with you. Until they meet a person they are sure about. 

Sorry. 

 

[catfeeder]

Deactivating is the same as, "I won't pursue or date anyone else until I learn where we stand with one another."

Deleting is the same as, "I've come to learn that we are on great footing for investment in an exclusive future together, and I'm confident that I won't need to date anyone else."

Either is fine depending on the stage of your relationship.

You trust the person, or you don't. If not, then this stuff is irrelevant.

[gamon]

People are so fickle, erratic and dishonest you can't really know how things are going even 10 years in, let alone a few weeks.

I'd never delete a dating profile that I have had active exchanges with, especially one with a "credit balance" towards a paid subscription.

But hey that's just me. My lack of trust probably makes it more likely my relationships will fail.

And yes I'm not having a great day relationship wise and my reply reflects that.

Here's a great example of what I just wrote above..

 

 

[smackie9]

You are only exclusively dating. I wouldn't see it a problem at this time...4 months is not very long, and you can't possibly know a person enough to start deleting everything in your life. If you move in together and are making plans for the long term then yes it would be an issue.

[waffle]

If that was me I'd say never mind, go ahead and keep your profile active and I'd do the same.  Exclusivity is not something that can be negotiated, you either are or you aren't.  The partner who is concerned about not losing money on the dating site is not ready to be exclusive.  Period. 

[lostandhurt]

Hiding or deactivating is the prudent thing to do at this point in the relationship.

As far as the subscription costs go they are really insignificant compared to the amount of time and money trying to meet and date someone.  

You two have something good going here so don't complicate it, keep it simple and hide or deactivate your accounts and forget about them.

Now if one of you wants to keep the account going and visible to see if they can do better then that is a problem.

 Lost

[reinventmyself]

If one person is no longer interested in logging in and/or deactivated their account. . . And the other keeps their account active or is still shopping, then you two aren't on the same page.

You didn't share if you two were being intimate or dating others.  But personally, I wouldn't sleep with someone who was still shopping.  It's their prerogative and if that's where they are at in their life, I'd encourage them to continue doing so.  But that person wouldn't be someone I would get attached too. 

Someone who continues to log on and knows that anyone, including you can see it, is someone who isn't concerned about losing you.

[Wiseman2]

On 7/17/2022 at 10:14 PM, Angel_325 said:

willing to deactivate it and are not logging in. 

This is fine. Letting a nonrefundable subscription run out is fine . He's not actively getting matches, logging in or updating the profile so where is the problem?

[Carnatic]

I'm fine with it myself but not everyone is.

Last time I was in a relationship I had a still-active OKcupid account, I hadn't been using it much even before we met and honestly I just forgot about it. Unfortunately she found out the account existed... either she went to OKcupid on my computer and found it already logged in, or she was looking through my history.

It blew up into a whole big thing, to be honest it was probably indicative more of a red flag on her than on me since I'd not been using it and she was just wanting to paint me as sneaky, unfaithful and a pathological liar so that she could justify to herself the fact that she was sneaky, unfaithful and a pathological liar.

If I do ever get into a relationship again then I'll most likely just deactivate all my dating profiles.

EDIT:

off topic, but looked at what I just wrote and wondered to myself if it was an example of an issue I think I have (my ex certainly made it an issue). The bit in bold... would most people read that sentence and see it as an admission that I had been using my OKcupid account at least a little bit after I was in a relationship? It's just how I write, I have a tendency to not make absolute statements; but that has occasionally gotten me into trouble. In actual fact I hadn't used my OKcupid account at all since before we met.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

I'm fine with it myself but not everyone is.

Last time I was in a relationship I had a still-active OKcupid account, I hadn't been using it much even before we met and honestly I just forgot about it. Unfortunately she found out the account existed... either she went to OKcupid on my computer and found it already logged in, or she was looking through my history.

It blew up into a whole big thing, to be honest it was probably indicative more of a red flag on her than on me since I'd not been using it and she was just wanting to paint me as sneaky, unfaithful and a pathological liar so that she could justify to herself the fact that she was sneaky, unfaithful and a pathological liar.

If I do ever get into a relationship again then I'll most likely just deactivate all my dating profiles.

EDIT:

off topic, but looked at what I just wrote and wondered to myself if it was an example of an issue I think I have (my ex certainly made it an issue). The bit in bold... would most people read that sentence and see it as an admission that I had been using my OKcupid account at least a little bit after I was in a relationship? It's just how I write, I have a tendency to not make absolute statements; but that has occasionally gotten me into trouble. In actual fact I hadn't used my OKcupid account at all since before we met.

Here is my story (noting that this is an old-ish thread).  I had a profile on a popular dating site when my future husband and I got back together (2005).  We didn't meet that way.  He'd had a match.com account and also one on "my site" but not for a long time -and nothing paid.  I'm really not sure if I was paid in advance on mine.  Don't recall. 

I suspended my profile once we got back together which meant I couldn't read emails from anyone who contacted me.  Or maybe send (never tried).  But - I logged on on behalf of friends who would ask me to check out a guy they were interested in especially if I knew/knew of him (it happened more often than one would think).  I'd mentioned this to my boyfriend - in passing -he knew, no issue (not as a trust thing -as a "oh ____ is thinking of dating this guy, I checked out his profile").

Fast forward a few months later. It came to my attention (from a guy I was friendly with who I'd met in the past through the site) that my profile was still visible and "active" despite my believing I'd suspended and that that was the equivalent of deleting.  So I called the site owners (yes, that is what I had to do) and asked them to delete it entirely.  I decided it wasn't worth it logging on for friends if it would then show me active -even though my boyfriend knew his friends might see me active and tell him which would be awkward although not a trust issue.

Related -when we were already married I realized - because my husband told me- that he was still getting match.com emails with suggested matches as was his friend who was also married.  They'd joke about who was suggested.  When I found out I was not at all upset but didn't like the idea of him still getting emails which suggested that others might get emails suggesting him.  It was a quick calm conversation.  He agreed with me and stopped.  It's really that simple when there is trust.

I've known him since 1994.  We've been partners/spouses for about 19 years of that time.  I've never ever lacked trust in him, he's never cheated, I've never cheated.  We've never ever checked each other's phones or devices or papers or anything for any reason related to trust.  We each have kept in touch with people we dated, we each have socialized with exes (first marriage for both), and never ever had a trust issue.  I just cannot fathom it any other way.  

I would be fine with a new partner simply telling me we were exclusive and he wasn't going to date or try to date -meaning he wasn't going to log on to a dating site to look for dates.  I do remember dating someone for almost 3 months I met through a site.  We weren't yet exclusive.  He slept over (we were also not having sex yet) - and two hours after he left I saw that he'd logged on to the site.  Which was technically ok but made me feel sick.  I'd gone on to check.  I had a feeling.  I wasn't violating his privacy of course -and I was on there too - but yes I was checking up.  So I updated my profile a bit. 

He called me when he saw I'd viewed his profile and explained he wasn't quite ready to be exclusive, needed a bit more time.  I told him I was ok with that and internally decided to give it one more month.  After a month I learned from being with him that there was a huge red flag so I ended things for that reason.  We never had the talk again because I'd ended things anyway.  So he wasn't "cheating" but seeing him on there right after he left my house just felt icky.

[jul-els]

Once you start interacting in reality and developing an interest, the dating site is irrelevant. If the two of you decide to be exclusive at some point, then you will. If you don’t, you won’t. The app should have no bearing on whatever happens between the two of you one way or the other. Delete the profile or not, it doesn’t matter. Once you’re off the app, you forget about the app. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, jul-els said:

Once you start interacting in reality and developing an interest, the dating site is irrelevant. If the two of you decide to be exclusive at some point, then you will. If you don’t, you won’t. The app should have no bearing on whatever happens between the two of you one way or the other. Delete the profile or not, it doesn’t matter. Once you’re off the app, you forget about the app. 

So for me having a profile active on a dating site meant I was advertising myself as single -keeping options open.  I remember speaking to a friend over 20 years ago and telling her I was thinking of getting back together with an ex -we'd been on and off.  We were dating again but not exclusive. I wasn't meeting anyone through the site but was checking emails to see who contacted me, browsing the profiles.  She said to me - you're keeping one foot out the door then -you're keeping options open.  It's like dating someone seriously yet you go to a singles geared event and tell yourself "I'm just looking" - it's telling yourself you're not all in even if it's not technically cheating.  

[jul-els]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

So for me having a profile active on a dating site meant I was advertising myself as single -keeping options open.  I remember speaking to a friend over 20 years ago and telling her I was thinking of getting back together with an ex -we'd been on and off.  We were dating again but not exclusive. I wasn't meeting anyone through the site but was checking emails to see who contacted me, browsing the profiles.  She said to me - you're keeping one foot out the door then -you're keeping options open.  It's like dating someone seriously yet you go to a singles geared event and tell yourself "I'm just looking" - it's telling yourself you're not all in even if it's not technically cheating.  

Yes, but that was your choice and you were free to do that if that was what you wanted. What happens between two people when dating is based on what those two people want. The app has nothing to do with it. Worrying about what someone else might be doing with an app is is really just a way to vicariously let one’s own insecurities creep in and find a way to create unnecessary drama. 

[Batya33]

Just now, jul-els said:

Yes, but that was your choice and you were free to do that if that was what you wanted. What happens between two people when dating is based on what those two people want. The app has nothing to do with it. Worrying about what someone else might be doing with an app is is really just a way to vicariously let one’s own insecurities creep in and find a way to create unnecessary drama. 

Oh yes- I wasn't worried in that sense - I was concerned about my own behavior and what it showed about my commitment/potential commitment.  I think it's normal to worry in the beginning.  Pre-internet I worried "does he like me?" "did he go to that party/club/event and meet anyone?" Same thing except it's too easy now to check up on online activity, read into online activity, etc. 

Reality is that most people have some insecurities in the beginning if they're really into the new person.  How you act on it is another story.  I stopped dating someone who after our first date saw me dancing with a guy at a party - and then left the party got drunk and very upset -and told me about it.  (Actually the guy was a platonic friend who asked me to dance to make his ex jealous lol -we were in our 20s).  I found that incredibly creepy.  

The app does have something to do with it -part of committing to each other is very often promising not to pursue others to date.  If a person insists on keeping an active profile on an app that person is advertising him or herself as single and available to date.

[jul-els]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh yes- I wasn't worried in that sense - I was concerned about my own behavior and what it showed about my commitment/potential commitment.  I think it's normal to worry in the beginning.  Pre-internet I worried "does he like me?" "did he go to that party/club/event and meet anyone?" Same thing except it's too easy now to check up on online activity, read into online activity, etc. 

Reality is that most people have some insecurities in the beginning if they're really into the new person.  How you act on it is another story.  I stopped dating someone who after our first date saw me dancing with a guy at a party - and then left the party got drunk and very upset -and told me about it.  (Actually the guy was a platonic friend who asked me to dance to make his ex jealous lol -we were in our 20s).  I found that incredibly creepy.  

The app does have something to do with it -part of committing to each other is very often promising not to pursue others to date.  If a person insists on keeping an active profile on an app that person is advertising him or herself as single and available to date.

Well, we all pick our battles. Myself, I see that one as a waste of time. 

[Batya33]

45 minutes ago, jul-els said:

Well, we all pick our battles. Myself, I see that one as a waste of time. 

Sure of course! I didn't battle with my husband when I asked him to please stop getting the suggested matches emails from match.com - I told him I felt uncomfortable and he stopped.  When I realized my dating account was still showing up active I knew it was important to delete it to avoid any future awkwardness.  No battle. He asked me when we were first dating not to meet my male friend one on one for a drink on a Friday night before we planned to meet as a group.  I thought it was a wee bit overreaching but no battle -because he came first.  He still does. 

When people care about their commitment they're happy to tweak things to keep it solid.  Happy to compromise and happy to make their partner a priority.  No battle. If I saw someone's spouse active on a dating site - meaning if I was made aware of it -I'd have a hard time knowing what to do about it and I would find it inappropriate and inconsistent with being married.