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Am I in the wrong here? Please set me straight.


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Am I in the wrong here? How would you have handled the situation? Situation in chronoical order below:

  • Met a girl over a month ago at an event- she gave me her email and all of our coorespondence was through email.
  • We go on a date and she expressed she had a good time.
  • I asked if she wanted to transition to texting from email after the date (mind you her phone number was in her email signature) she didn't respond to this point so we kept emailing.
  • Tried to set up a second date with her and she suggests dates. Week goes by with no confirmation. I send follow-up email day of and she says she is busy with homework, but suggests alternative days.
  • 4 or 5 days go by still with no confirmation of plans. I send a nice follow-up message. She apologies for not being response, but doesn't mention plans.
  • I message- I had a good time with you and would like to see you again, but if the feeling isn't mutual please let me know so I can move on.
  • She apologies profusely and immediately suggests and then confirms plans.
  • We meet for the second time and she suggests meeting for a third time- at her place for cocoa. She suggests last Tuesday.
  • I work in two different offices so I work in one office the days I meet her- I move my work schedule to meet her for last Tuesday. 3 days pass and it's mid-day Monday telling me she can't meet due to a group project after I moved around my work schedule to meet her for Tuesday. She suggests meeting this upcoming Monday or Tuesday.
  • I ask if X time works for Monday- she comes back to me 3 days later- asking for Tuesday now after she gave Monday as an option. I ask if Monday is still open. No response.
  • I send a follow-up email Friday night- no response.
  • Saturday night- I'm frustrurated and tell her this is the fourth time she left me hanging and that I feel like I'm a backup plan incase she can't make other plans. Thus putting an end to things.

Did I overreact here? Did I give her too many chances or should I have continued being patient? Was I the one who ruined things? 

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Dealing with flaky lukewarm people is a headache you don't need. Yes, stop contacting her.

While I agree it is a headache, did I give too many chances or did I screw things up by getting upset? 

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You gave too many chances, to someone who was not that interested. 

As such, there really was nothing to screw up. She seems to have trouble saying "no, thank you" directly so she dodges and evades. But the message is clear. Best to cut all contact. 

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Did I overreact here? Did I give her too many chances or should I have continued being patient? Was I the one who ruined things? 

Too many chances. First, I would have texted her since you had her number, and if she didn't reply via text, that would have raised a concern.

From there, after our initial exchange agreeing to a second date, I'd have accepted her date suggestion and left for her to confirm. If she didn't, she wouldn't have heard a followup from me--that would be on her.

When someone knows how to reach me, I credit them with the ability to do so if they WANT to.

Beyond that, nothing is required of me, and I wouldn't dignify someone's lack of interest with a complaint.

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2 hours ago, jonirowland said:

4 or 5 days go by still with no confirmation of plans. I send a nice follow-up message. She apologies for not being response, but doesn't mention plans.

I would have given up at this point.

YOU are the only one trying here, from my point of view.

IF they are interested, you'll know it.

You met up with her over a month ago?  Walk away now. ( I had some guy show some real interest for a short while, he was a busy man - fine.  Our communication dwindled off then suddenly he reaches out to meet up again, after about the 2 month mark. I never did respond, thinking, Hey, If I was worth it, he wouldn't have let it go silent for so long). ( Not always easy but necessary 😉 - for my own good.

 

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2 hours ago, jonirowland said:

While I agree it is a headache, did I give too many chances or did I screw things up by getting upset? 

Nah, I would have send her where sun dont shines after first date. Patience would get you nowhere with people who simply arent interested aside of you giving them attention. It was clear after first date that she didnt want to be more closer and that she just wanted to fizzle. So, you should have just said "Goodbye" after that. You arent "coat hangar" so she can just take you whenever she is bored. If you see that the girl acts like that, just say Goodbye. You, and even they, would respect you more. No need for following anything up with people like this.

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I guess I have to probably agree with the other responses, sadly, that this is probably a dead end.

Especially these days, when it only takes 15 or 30 seconds to keep  someone updated by email or text as to what's going on, to keep you posted as to whether they are available for a date on a given date/time, etc., etc.    Or to suggest alternate dates/times if they do want to see you.

IMO, no one is so busy that they can't take literally 15 or 30 seconds to give me a quick update, so to not to do so to me sends a clear message, namely "I'm not that into you".   

Or maybe "I'm seeing someone else also, and not sure I want to see you again", or whatever.

I would kind of write her off to be honest, since you probably don't need someone like that unresponsive in your life I would think.    

Of course, that's all up to you, and it's always possible there's some "extenuating circumstances" that explain her behavior, but things don't look very promising and I would certainly say "there are other fish in the sea" if she doesn't somehow explain those extenuating circumstances quickly.

 

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Nope, don’t bother with someone who takes forever to respond and isn’t eager to set up next date. When they say they are kinda busy, excuse excuse, they are not interested. Some people have real anxiety about saying no/ rejecting people so they do the avoidance dance, say what you want to hear, etc. she’s the biggest flake there is. I agree you gave her too many chances. Next time ditch them after the first excuse. 

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5 Red Flags In Relationships
5 Red Flags In Relationships

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