Am I in the wrong for refusing to visit my friend to help her move house?

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Abishmay said:

That was one trip. 

 

Why are people completely glossing over the first and second trip? She's flaked multiple times. And btw, her financial situation is actually better than mine. I'm always spending to visit her. Because she asks me to, because it's more convenient for her. The vacation was supposed to be near my city, she again made it about her and made me visit her place first and then vacation at a place close to her house. 

Why are you glossing over the voluntary commitment you made?

You've talked yourself out of wanting to follow through on your own word, so now you're villainizing the friend.

When someone here says, if friend is such a villain, then bail on the friendship and call it a day.

Then suddenly she's a valuable friend of 10 years.

You can't have it both ways, you're just making yourself miserable.

If your friend means something to you, then KEEP YOUR WORD to her .

Make it a goal to surprise yourself by how much easier this will be (and possibly even fun) when you stop complaining and recognize that you are grateful for this friend in your life,  and you will feel better about EVERYTHING by keeping your word.

If you'd prefer to natter and keep score, you can do that--it's just not going to make you very happy, it harms your feelings toward your friend, and it harms your feelings about your Self.

Why do that, when you can lean in, enjoy the experience, and be proud of yourself?

[Abishmay]

43 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Why are you glossing over the voluntary commitment you made?

You've talked yourself out of wanting to follow through on your own word, so now you're villainizing the friend.

When someone here says, if friend is such a villain, then bail on the friendship and call it a day.

Then suddenly she's a valuable friend of 10 years.

You can't have it both ways, you're just making yourself miserable.

If your friend means something to you, then KEEP YOUR WORD to her .

Make it a goal to surprise yourself by how much easier this will be (and possibly even fun) when you stop complaining and recognize that you are grateful for this friend in your life,  and you will feel better about EVERYTHING by keeping your word.

If you'd prefer to natter and keep score, you can do that--it's just not going to make you very happy, it harms your feelings toward your friend, and it harms your feelings about your Self.

Why do that, when you can lean in, enjoy the experience, and be proud of yourself?

Because while she is a good friend, lately it's only me who's been giving and giving and not being returned the same effort. 

I can't keep giving and NOT natter, that's not how human psychology works. 

I can't just break our friendship of 10 years, because surprise surprise, that's not how human psychology works. 

And oh another thing, you're telling me I should be grateful to have a friend, but of late I'm not. Of late she's become a burden to me because I've been giving, giving and getting nothing back. 

 

You think she's hosting me out of the goodness of her heart? It's working for her because when I'm there I can drive her around, and she doesn't have friends there. Don't forget, selfishness runs both ways. It's convenient for her to have me at her place, instead of traveling to visit me. Because if she really cared, she would have visited me instead of me always being the one taking 8 hour flights 4 times a year. 

It's okay to be frustrated in any relationship/friendship, and I'm voicing my concerns here. She isn't an evil person, but lately she's been not reciprocating any effort I'm giving her. Like I'm there for her inconvenience. 

You're thinking I'm painting her as this evil woman when I'm obviously highlighting one issue. Why SHOULDN'T I natter? Give me one reason why I SHOULDN'T complain if I'm frustrated by her behaviour. ONE reason.

 

 

She's reneged on her promises at least 10 times and I'm being made to feel like the bad guy because I want to back out from one. 

 

 

[catfeeder]

32 minutes ago, Abishmay said:

Why SHOULDN'T I natter? Give me one reason why I SHOULDN'T complain if I'm frustrated by her behaviour. ONE reason.

Because you're making yourself miserable.

None of us have any skin in this game.

At least one person has suggested that you bail on the friend. What more do you want?

You're going to do what you want to do anyway.

[MissCanuck]

38 minutes ago, Abishmay said:

I can't just break our friendship of 10 years, because surprise surprise, that's not how human psychology works. 

Actually, it does. 

I have a let go of a much longer friendship when it became clear that I was the only one keeping the friendship afloat and her behaviour no longer aligned with my values. You are the one keeping yourself stuck here. Human psychology would suggest you take some accountability for your own choices, and better identify friendships that aren't really serving you anymore. 

You keep complaining about her and yet you keep doing the same thing and expecting different results (more gratitude and appreciation) Is she a good friend? Doesn't sound like it. Are you part of the problem in your own frustration? Yes, most certainly. You are both contributing to this unhealthy "friend" dynamic. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Abishmay said:

 she's become a burden to me because I've been giving, giving and getting nothing back. 

Try not to demonize her this much or view yourself as a victim.

She gave you friendship and hospitality when you needed to couchsurf because of your BF.

Take your wrath out on him rather than her.  Calculate the cost of a BnB before you jump up and down that "you get nothing".

Your beef is with the BF. 

[Cherylyn]

Yes, you'll be the bad guy if you renege on your promise but that's something you'll have to live within your conscience.  If you feel justified on remaining home, then it won't bother you. 

If money is a factor regarding airfare, travel and time and you wish to wriggle yourself out of your original commitment to your friend, then simply be very honest, tell the whole truth and apologize for not helping her move.  Be prepared for bitter, resentful feelings and disbanding this friendship of 10 years which doesn't sound worth retaining anyway.  

Explain your recent loss to your friend.  My condolences. 

I don't believe in purely unconditional friendships.  As with any friendship (or relationship), there needs to be balance where one person isn't doing all the giving and the other person is doing all the taking.  This is whether it's favors, travel, labor, extensions of goodwill, gifts, money, time, energy expended and words of kindness whether verbal or written.  Conditional efforts are required otherwise friendships feel nonreciprocal, unbalanced and unfair.  Lopsided friendships lead to lack of enthusiasm, lack of desire and burnout.

Normal friendships are easy, peaceful, considerate and consistently respectful.  If you have to work so hard at making a friendship work,  it's not working and not meant to endure.  It is not uncommon for some friendships to fizzle and fade away.  Some friendships have run its course and temporary.  Not every friendship was meant to be permanent.  This is reality. 

[indea08]

“Hey friend, I’m really sorry to tell you this, but I’ve got to head home and take care of myself for a bit. I’ve lost a close friend and I’m struggling and would just like to be home with my boyfriend. I know I said I’d help you move, and I hope you don’t think I took this decision lightly, but I just don’t have the extra emotional energy to spare right now. I hope you can understand.”

If she can’t extend a little courtesy under these circumstances, she’s not a good friend. Going forward, don’t give anything that you will feel resentful for having given. 

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, indea08 said:

“Hey friend, I’m really sorry to tell you this, but I’ve got to head home and take care of myself for a bit. I’ve lost a close friend and I’m struggling and would just like to be home with my boyfriend. I know I said I’d help you move, and I hope you don’t think I took this decision lightly, but I just don’t have the extra emotional energy to spare right now. I hope you can understand.”

If she can’t extend a little courtesy under these circumstances, she’s not a good friend. Going forward, don’t give anything that you will feel resentful for having given. 

Yes - that would work.  Question -your friend who passed away (I am sorry for your loss!) -what would that friend's advice have been -would she have wanted you to honor your commitments or justify leaving to grieve?  You might find that reaching out by helping the friend you promised to help might help you process what happened better than being alone or with your boyfriend whose attention likely is focused on his parents right now.

And I totally agree - going on and on about this valuable 10 year friendship is inconsistent with your venting and complaining about how awfully she's treated yo.

[Andrina]

There are several choices here. You've valued the friendship enough to stick around for her flakiness, so you should expect her to stick around if you're flaky this one time. Let the cards fall where they may, and if she ends up letting one upsetting moment be the end, then maybe she isn't the person you thought she was. 

If you decide to stay and help her move, you could choose a way of grieving that'll tide you over until you get back to your bf, such as purchasing some new items to donate to a foster child group home, or some other charity, in honor of your deceased friend. Go put fresh flowers on a stranger's grave in a cemetery, and sit on a bench and have an internal conversation with your beloved friend in the calming silence of the graveyard.

Moving forward, only put in the effort you're comfortable with. If she's a user, she will fade from your life. If she's not, she'll adjust to the new norm.

[Wonderstruck]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

You've valued the friendship enough to stick around for her flakiness, so you should expect her to stick around if you're flaky this one time.

This is EXACTLY it.

You've put up with disrespectful and flaky behaviour from her multiple times in the past, so if she can't extend grace toward you this ONE TIME, especially in light of the circumstances, then that just confirms that this friendship has become completely one-sided and non-reciprocal.

If that's the case, you have three options:

1) Completely cut her out of your life then and there.

2) Stay friends with her, but significantly pull back, start setting and enforcing firm boundaries, and STOP doing ANYTHING for her that will cause you to feel used or resentful toward her.

3) The same as the second option, but ALSO sit down with her (or speak over the phone) and have an extremely open, honest, pull-no-punches conversation about how frustrated and resentful you feel toward her, WHY you feel that way, and if there's any way that you guys can work through it or if this is the end of the road for your friendship.

If you DO choose to discuss your feelings with her and she acts defensive, dismissive, or unapologetic throughout the conversation, I would pull the trigger on this friendship for good.

[Cherylyn]

It sounds like you really don't want to take the time, spend the money for travel, endure the inconvenient hassle and expend physical labor to help your friend move.  You have the right to decline.  It's better to respectfully and politely decline your original offer of helping her move than travel and help her move against your will.  Don't force yourself to travel and help her move if your desire is not there in the first place.  You will not enjoy helping her and she will not enjoy your company because she will perceive your lack of enthusiasm based upon your grumpy demeanor.  You will not be able to conceal your sour mood when you're with her.  It's better for both of you to remain home while she figures out how to move her residence from one place to another.

Explain yourself to her including your recent loss.  Be very honest with yourself and with her.  Tell her the truth and exactly how you feel.  Then let your explanation determine how the friendship will unfold from this point on.  If she feels that this declination will end the friendship, then respect her wishes and go your separate ways.  Move on.  If she decides to continue the friendship without any hard feelings, then stay the course and follow her cue accordingly.  Tread lightly. 

It sounds to me that despite the 10 years invested in this friendship, the flakiness factor really bothers you which is understandable. 

If you decline to help her move, you are being flaky, too even though she flaked out on you more than you did to her. 

Nonetheless, you're not happy with this friendship anyway and it's better to dissolve and exit this friendship permanently.  This means no contact and sever ties permanently.  Wish her all the best, end it graciously and truly move on for real.

 

[Batya33]

I wouldn't use the grieving part as your excuse -or at least not focus on it - and it's also not really the whole truth.  Just tell her you're sorry for any inconvenience but you realized it's not something you can invest the time/money in right now particularly since you're not up to it given your recent loss.  I remember being flaked on by a friend where we spent weeks planning a get together -one on one - including transportation, time, location, endless planning for her to cancel on me the morning of because her friend was having a really hard time that day and "needed to emote."  I can handle cancelling because of an emergency but after all that time planning and accommodating her schedule um....nope -not an emergency. 

I realize you couldn't have anticipated your loss but it comes across as a flimsy inauthentic excuse - would be different if it conflicted with a memorial service or funeral.  JMHO.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with Batya33. Your loss is not an excuse. 

However, explain EVERYTHING including your loss, how you feel about the friendship, how disappointed you were when your friend was unreliable in the past, apologize for declining to help her move despite your original agreement to help her move, all of it.  Be completely truthful and take it from there.  Your thorough explanation will dictate where this friendship will go.  Either she'll accept everything you've explained or perhaps she'll decide that it's better to part ways. 

Let your explanations to her be the determining factor in your friendship. 

Some people will work through anything and some people are ready to call it quits if friendships or relationships tend to lean towards complicated high maintenance.