Am I in the wrong for refusing to visit my friend to help her move house?

[Abishmay]

I have a friend in college whom I've known for 10+ years. We were roommates in college and then later on for a few years. We're pretty tight. She's lived at my place and I've lived at hers. 

I moved across the country with my boyfriend about a year and a half ago. Since then, i have flown down 4 times (almost a 6 hour plus layover flight one way), within the span of a year for various reasons to help her. 

First, to help her move and get settled into the city. I went apartment hunting with her, drove her to the new city, helped move her stuff etc. 
Second, we had planned a trip to the east coast and she insisted I come to her new place first to see how she's settled in, and then we take a flight for our vacation from there. So I stayed there about 5 days before vacationing with her. 
Third, I was visiting cousins in the city close to her, so I stopped by at her place along with my boyfriend. She did let me borrow her car and came along. 

Throughout this one and a half year time frame, she has never visited me once despite me inviting her multiple times. She promises everytime but always flaked. One time I even bought concert tickets which she said she would attend with me and then flaked at the last moment and I had to resell the tickets. She never came to visit my new home, i had adopted a new pet and she never came to visit to meet us etc. I feel like I'm always the one putting effort, money for flights and time for her. And she does things per her convenience. Every time she promised to visit something would always come up, which I understand but I have things going on too and I visited her. 

The situation now is that I temporarily was out of a place to stay (for 2 months or so), and I decided to spend that time travelling for a bit. I asked her if I could stop by her place for a week in the first month, and then a week again in the second month, after which we could together go back to my city where she is also moving to. Like i could help her move.  She said yes. 

Now I've spent the first week of the first month at her place, and unexpectedly my living situation is sorted now and I have the chance to go back home early. So that means I will not be coming back for the second week and she will have to move alone. Will I be the bad guy if I tell her I'm not gonna come back?

[Cherylyn]

If you can stay the second week, I wouldn't renege on my promise.  If you can't stay or come back the second week, be honest, tell the truth, apologize and explain by giving her your reasons.  You've already gone above and beyond for your friend in the past yet she never reciprocates with your unbalanced friendship with her.  Plus, she's a flake.  You won't be the bad guy if you tell her you're not going to come back.  However, don't be surprised if your friend alienates you and both of you drift apart to fading away.  It doesn't sound like she's much of a friend anyway so it's just as well that both of you are prepared to go your separate ways permanently. 

[melancholy123]

You've already done too much for this person who seems quite ungrateful.  No you are not a bad person to not help her move.  She hasnt donee much of anything to help you.

I think this is a one sided friendship and you are getting the short end of the stick.  If I were you I'd move on from her.

[catfeeder]

While I can appreciate feeling hurt or resentful about a lack of reciprocity, this would prompt me to stop making commitments to this person rather than continuing to make one, only to feel lousy about not wanting to follow through with it.

To me this would not be about hurting her, but about betraying my own value of honoring a commitment I made voluntarily.

I'd follow through and thank myself later, rather than reducing my own opinion of myself.

Head high, you can opt to make this difficult or easy--that's your decision.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Abishmay said:

The situation now is that I temporarily was out of a place to stay (for 2 months or so),  

Now I've spent the first week of the first month at her place, and unexpectedly my living situation is sorted now and I have the chance to go back home early. 

It's sad that your BF invited his family to stay 3 months without telling you, sort of kicking you out in the process.

It was kind of your friend to give you a free place to stay for a while.

It's not her fault your BF invited his parents to live with you for three months. It's not her fault your BF got rid of them early and now you want to go back.

Your BF is the problem. Not a friend who puts you up for free whenever your BF causes problems..

 

[Kwothe28]

Let me guess: Parents went home when they saw they cant spend time with daughter-in-law. If you have spend 20% of time you worry about your friend on worrying about your in-laws, you wouldnt even be in a situation like that.

Anyway, you didnt do stuff you did because of your friend and because her needed help, you did it because you needed a place to stay. You only worry now because it would "make you a bad guy" because its you who flip flopped as soon as you could go back home. Go home and help her move in when she comes to your city. Or would that also be inconvenienced to you now when you no longer need her place to stay?

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not her fault your BF invited his parents to live with you for three months. It's not her fault your BF got rid of them early and now you want to go back.

This. And good catch. 

OP - let's be real. You didn't want to stay at your house while your in-laws were there. It's not as though you had no place to live. You opted to leave, and this friend offered to let you stay. Did she know why you didn't want to be at home?

Given the greater context, I think you need to honour your commitment to your friend to help her move. Otherwise it's going to look like you just saw her place as an escape hatch from the in-laws. 

[Abishmay]

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Let me guess: Parents went home when they saw they cant spend time with daughter-in-law. If you have spend 20% of time you worry about your friend on worrying about your in-laws, you wouldnt even be in a situation like that.

Anyway, you didnt do stuff you did because of your friend and because her needed help, you did it because you needed a place to stay. You only worry now because it would "make you a bad guy" because its you who flip flopped as soon as you could go back home. Go home and help her move in when she comes to your city. Or would that also be inconvenienced to you now when you no longer need her place to stay?

No, you're completely wrong. Parents are still there. I want to go back because one of my other friends unexpectedly died and I'm grieving and I can't do it openly around my friend. I want to do it with my boyfriend. I also can't be productive at her house, so work is somewhat suffering. 

 

Oh and before you say I did anything for her only because I wanted a place to stay, OF COURSE i did. Who would spend a round trip ticket from portland to houston to help their friend move? Nobody. But if you look at my earlier visits they had no motive to help myself. 

 

The first time I visited was purely to help her move. She couldn't drive at the time, so I flew down from Portland to help her move. The second time we went vacationing, we had planned to visit places close to my city, so that she can see my new house etc, but she insisted I see her new house first and she'll come visit me later. Never happened. I've been spending and breaking my back for her. 

[Abishmay]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This. And good catch. 

OP - let's be real. You didn't want to stay at your house while your in-laws were there. It's not as though you had no place to live. You opted to leave, and this friend offered to let you stay. Did she know why you didn't want to be at home?

Given the greater context, I think you need to honour your commitment to your friend to help her move. Otherwise it's going to look like you just saw her place as an escape hatch from the in-laws.

You're not wrong in saying I went to her place as a means to get away from my boyfriend's parents. She is completely aware of the fact. I'm telling you that's the only reason I did it.

Now, it feels like it would be better for me to just go back home and not spend the extra money and time and energy to visit her again and help her move. 

 

But tell me this, the first couple of times I visited, I did it selflessly, without anything in it for me. To help her move, visit her new apartment etc. If I make the second trip, that would have been me visiting 5 times in a year, whereas she's visited 0. She didn't come to see my new house. I visited her new house. She didn't come to visit my house on a vacation we had planned, she made me visit her again and then go on vacation. I planned a complete itinerary to show her around town, concert tickets etc, and she didn't bother to tell me she won't be visiting until a week before when I asked her when her flight was. I had to resell the tickets. 

You're telling me you have a friend that would fly out across the country to help you move without getting something out of it? Because I did that the first time. Selflessly.  I thought I would be in town so I will help her again. But I don't want to be booking another round trip anymore, I've changed my mind.  

 

 

[Abishmay]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's sad that your BF invited his family to stay 3 months without telling you, sort of kicking you out in the process.

It was kind of your friend to give you a free place to stay for a while.

It's not her fault your BF invited his parents to live with you for three months. It's not her fault your BF got rid of them early and now you want to go back.

Your BF is the problem. Not a friend who puts you up for free whenever your BF causes problems..

 

You're digressing from the topic, this is between me and my friend. 

 

Please read the comments I've added on response to other commenters. 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Abishmay said:

You're telling me you have a friend that would fly out across the country to help you move without getting something out of it?

This is rather moot, because as I understand, you didn't fly out to see her specifically to help her move. You went to get away from your in-laws. No? 

In any case, it's clear this friendship is not a good one. Just stop going to see her. It's causing you to feel resentful, so it's not worth continuing. 

[Abishmay]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is rather moot, because as I understand, you didn't fly out to see her specifically to help her move. You went to get away from your in-laws. No? 

In any case, it's clear this friendship is not a good one. Just stop going to see her. It's causing you to feel resentful, so it's not worth continuing. 

It's not moot when you see the full context.

What about the first time when I went to fly out to help her move without wanting to get away from my house? I spent a rountrip from my own pocket. 

The second time when she insisted I visited her only because she wanted me to? 

 

This time, yes I had a reason to fly out. But is it really too much to tell her no, I will not be visiting you the fifth time. Because I don't want to spend a roundtrip again. I actually wanna go home?

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Abishmay said:

What about the first time when I went to fly out to help her move without wanting to get away from my house? I spent a rountrip from my own pocket. 

What about it? That was your choice. The same for the second time. If you visited only because she wanted you to and not because you wanted to see her, well, that was a poor choice on your part. I don't see why you would hold that against her. 

3 minutes ago, Abishmay said:

I actually wanna go home?

Then go. You don't need our endorsement. Will she be upset? Probably. The question is, does it really matter? It appears this friendship has come down to score-keeping and it's making you unhappy. Just say goodbye and bow out her life. 

 

[Abishmay]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What about it? That was your choice. The same for the second time. If you visited only because she wanted you to and not because you wanted to see her, well, that was a poor choice on your part. I don't see why you would hold that against her. 

Then go. You don't need our endorsement. Will she be upset? Probably. The question is, does it really matter? It appears this friendship has come down to score-keeping and it's making you unhappy. Just say goodbye and bow out her life. 

 

So you're agreeing I'm not the one being unreasonable? 

 

And of course it matters, I don't want to throw a 10 year friendship away. 

 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Abishmay said:

So you're agreeing I'm not the one being unreasonable?

Not entirely. I think you are both being unreasonable at the moment. 

2 minutes ago, Abishmay said:

I don't want to throw a 10 year friendship away

But by your description, it's a one-sided friendship and she is ungrateful. Why do you want to save that? 

[Abishmay]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Not entirely. I think you are both being unreasonable at the moment. 

But by your description, it's a one-sided friendship and she is ungrateful. Why do you want to save that? 

Because it's been 10 years, I'm always the one helping her and of course I care about her. Sure, she's helped me too in situations but lately I've just been giving and giving without getting anything in return. I feel like she manipulates tiny things to get her convenience. And she doesn't explicitly say "hey, this is more convenient for me so can we do this?" She says "hey, you want this, see these are the things you can get out of this, so let's do this instead", and I let her have her way because I want to accomodate her convenience best I can.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Abishmay said:

Oh and before you say I did anything for her only because I wanted a place to stay, OF COURSE i did. Who would spend a round trip ticket from portland to houston to help their friend move? Nobody. But if you look at my earlier visits they had no motive to help myself. 

 

My brother godfather(here we label it like that, its his best man at the wedding if we are talking in American customs), flew to Berlin to help him repaint his appartment. Brother changed his appartment so he needed somebody to repaint it before he moves so he could collect deposit. So his godfather just came for that to help.

Anyway, that is what I am talking about. Your help shouldnt be just because you need a place to stay. Help for a friend is something we just do. Its not conditional. Yours comes with the condition of you being there. Now when that condition is gone and you dont need a place to stay, suddenly you no longer want to help. It doesnt go like that. So your friend has every reason to think that you are selfish and think only for yourself. Because in this case you do.

Also, I am sorry about deceased friend, my condolences. Though I think that is why you should maybe help a friend. Being preoccupied would get your mind of the other things. 

[itsallgrand]

I agree with catfeeder. It's less to do with what she's done that has upset you and more a decision based on your own sense of what's ok or not. I mean, if you bail after having volunteering to help her, I would not expect her to take you seriously on her flaking if that's something you ever choose to address. 

I think you are painting her actions a little worse than what I'd see them. She did flake once, that sucks. Most of those other trips were not just about her though, you were visiting cousins and she loaned you a car and you two had a trip planned one time and now you are there because you wanted to get away from your house for a while. And a year and a half when she did take vacation time already with you... A lot of people don't realistically get a chance to take vacations very often due to work and cash flow. 

 

[Abishmay]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

My brother godfather(here we label it like that, its his best man at the wedding if we are talking in American customs), flew to Berlin to help him repaint his appartment. Brother changed his appartment so he needed somebody to repaint it before he moves so he could collect deposit. So his godfather just came for that to help.

Anyway, that is what I am talking about. Your help shouldnt be just because you need a place to stay. Help for a friend is something we just do. Its not conditional. Yours comes with the condition of you being there. Now when that condition is gone and you dont need a place to stay, suddenly you no longer want to help. It doesnt go like that. So your friend has every reason to think that you are selfish and think only for yourself. Because in this case you do.

Also, I am sorry about deceased friend, my condolences. Though I think that is why you should maybe help a friend. Being preoccupied would get your mind of the other things. 

I've already helped her multiple times without a reason. See my first visit when I helped her moved without wanting anything in return. See my second reason for visit. I'm always accomodating her and helping her and she always flakes. 

[MissCanuck]

Again, I fail to see why you want to continue to be friends with someone you describe as manipulative and flakey. 10 years of history or not. 

Whatever you decide to do here, you might want to re-evaluate your own boundaries get more comfortable saying "no" to doing things you don't really want to do. 

[Abishmay]

1 minute ago, itsallgrand said:

I agree with catfeeder. It's less to do with what she's done that has upset you and more a decision based on your own sense of what's ok or not. I mean, if you bail after having volunteering to help her, I would not expect her to take you seriously on her flaking if that's something you ever choose to address. 

I think you are painting her actions a little worse than what I'd see them. She did flake once, that sucks. Most of those other trips were not just about her though, you were visiting cousins and she loaned you a car and you two had a trip planned one time and now you are there because you wanted to get away from your house for a while. And a year and a half when she did take vacation time already with you... A lot of people don't realistically get a chance to take vacations very often due to work and cash flow. 

 

That was one trip. 

 

Why are people completely glossing over the first and second trip? She's flaked multiple times. And btw, her financial situation is actually better than mine. I'm always spending to visit her. Because she asks me to, because it's more convenient for her. The vacation was supposed to be near my city, she again made it about her and made me visit her place first and then vacation at a place close to her house. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Abishmay said:

 I want to go back because one of my other friends unexpectedly died and I'm grieving and I can't do it openly around my friend.

Just explain this. 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Abishmay said:

Why are people completely glossing over the first and second trip?

What is you want to hear about that, exactly? You already made it clear you felt unappreicated on both occasions. And you feel unappreciated now, too. We get that.

I don't quite understand what advice you are seeking, to be honest. Are you looking for a way to tell her you're leaving, and hope she won't get mad at you? 

 

 

[Abishmay]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just explain this. 

One of my childhood friends died last week. I haven't been been able to cry, grieve and get space to process things because I'm at someone else's house. I want some time alone to myself, which I won't necessarily get at my place either because my boyfriend's parents are there, but at least I can have a modicum of privacy there, and comfort from my bf's presence, instead of at my friend's place where I sleep in the living area. 

[Abishmay]

48 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What is you want to hear about that, exactly? You already made it clear you felt unappreicated on both occasions. And you feel unappreciated now, too. We get that.

I don't quite understand what advice you are seeking, to be honest. Are you looking for a way to tell her you're leaving, and hope she won't get mad at you? 

 

 

I guess to understand whether I should continue to do the right thing (which is take a trip to her place because I said I would) or actually put myself first and do what's best for me and be a somewhat ***ty friend.