Am I an Idiot

[MJR88]

Situation:

Our neighbors are not well off financially.  Last night I went to take them some leftovers and asked my wife for something to put it in.  She gave me our most beat-up tupperware.  I told her that was ghetto and I wasnt going to take the neighbors food in that.  I then went to grab a serving bowl from the cabinets and she freaked out on me.  Yelled at me, saying those were her Thanksgiving serving bowls- refused to let me use them.  This turned into a huge fight.  She says I'm an elitist and think I'm better than her...  I'm like, I just didnt want to treat the neighbors like they deserved crappy tupperware....

Am I an idiot?

[Seraphim]

Maybe if you want to be helpful, give them a grocery gift card? They can choose their own food. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MJR88 said:

I then went to grab a serving bowl from the cabinets and she freaked out on me. I just didnt want to treat the neighbors like they deserved crappy tupperware....

Am I an idiot?

Yes. It's foolish to try to impress your neighbors with whatever containers the leftover are brought in. Or hop in the car get to a store and buys some disposable containers

Next time, get yourself to a fast food place and buy and deliver the neighbors stuff you purchased.

Note it comes in disposable containers so you don't have to upset/dress down your wife to be kind to your neighbors and try to impress them with your  dishware..

[Batya33]

No you should not give neighbors your wife’s special Thanksgiving serving bowls. Of course not. As long as the Tupperware is clean and seals properly it’s fine. I’d anonymously leave a gift card in their mailbox. That’s the highest form of charity since you’re not doing it for the appreciation plus you don’t know if they have dietary restrictions or allergies. 
also I’m not sure leftovers are appropriate if they look like leftovers. If they came for dinner and took home leftovers fine but otherwise it seems questionable. 
 

[Wiseman2]

[Seraphim]

43 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No you should not give neighbors your wife’s special Thanksgiving serving bowls. Of course not. As long as the Tupperware is clean and seals properly it’s fine. I’d anonymously leave a gift card in their mailbox. That’s the highest form of charity since you’re not doing it for the appreciation plus you don’t know if they have dietary restrictions or allergies. 
also I’m not sure leftovers are appropriate if they look like leftovers. If they came for dinner and took home leftovers fine but otherwise it seems questionable. 
 

Correct. You don’t know their dietary situations and left overs are not quite appropriate. An anonymous grocery gift card is perfect . 

[Cherylyn]

No, you're not an idiot.

Whenever I send my husband to his recently widowed mother's house about an hour's drive away, I always ask him to transfer food from my storage container to hers since I have limited Tupperware. 

A home cooked meal is greatly appreciated.

No, you're not an elitist.  Your wife doesn't understand the meaning of tact.

You have a good heart.  Calling you an elitist is her gaslighting you.  Gaslighting is deflecting by changing your perception of the facts and causing you to question your character which is psychological warfare.  Never fall for gaslighting.  Gaslighting is manipulating the conversation so you're left defending yourself. 

Tell your wife that in the future, you'll ask the recipient to transfer the food to their container or serving dish and return your bowl while you're standing on their doorstep.  Hopefully, this solution will satisfy everyone. 

 

[waffle]

Do they want your table scraps?

[Seraphim]

Just now, waffle said:

Do they want your table scraps?

There is that. That is the inappropriate part. A home cooked meal you made for them and leftovers are not the same thing . 

[JoyfulCompany]

3 hours ago, MJR88 said:

those were her Thanksgiving serving bowls

If those are hers and you were clueless of their purpose, does that mean you don't contribute to the cooking at all? If you don't - either respect her kitchen queendom, or get more proactive in that area to have a say.

[catfeeder]

You are not an idiot, you are generous.

Unfortunately, at this time it was at the expense of your wife.

Generosity starts IN the home before it can be extended outward.

Discuss with your wife something thoughtful for your neighbors that you can both agree on. Start with an apology for taking something sentimental to her, and express appreciation for her efforts in the kitchen. Tell her your intention to lift one another UP, and you hope she'll enjoy planning something nice to do for your neighbors with you.

[Lambert]

I agree, leftovers are maybe not the gesture you want to make.  Although, I have had neighbors stop by with something they've made and shared with me.  So maybe it's just the word leftovers that makes it seem less than appealing.

What's happening in your house that old Tupperware or holiday dinnerware turns into a huge fight with name calling? 

In my mind, hubs doesn't like the old containers, suggests my good bowls and I laugh. There's no way my good bowls are going to the neighbor's house, but I would suggest something else. 

Where's the working together? it's just you both dug in on two extreme choices when there are obviously other choices. Like a gift card!

Like Oprah used to say, you're not fighting about the dishes. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, MJR88 said:

I just didnt want to treat the neighbors like they deserved crappy tupperware...

They probably throw out the stuff anyway as soon as you leave.🤢  The leftovers are more insulting than the ratty containers. 

They can get a happy meal for a dollar or so and not have to waste time money and energy washing your ratty containers and returning them

[smackie9]

She's concerned because she may never get her dish back and I can totally relate to that because I have dishware I am attached to and cannot replace. If you want to contribute in a nice way, invite your neighbours over for a backyard BBQ. Even if they don't have much, sometimes people have pride and by giving a gift card or table scraps might be an insult to their situation.

[Cherylyn]

Leftovers don't have to look like table scraps.  It can look like a meal was prepared and if it's delicious, it will be greatly appreciated.  Or, in the future, give them a grocery store gift card so they can buy what they want for their custom dinner. 

[Cherylyn]

Be prepared though.  Sometimes when your gestures are sincere, some people say snide comments instead of expressing their gratitude to you.  Sometimes this is human nature. 

For example, instead of giving my neighbor home made cookies for Christmas every year, last year,  I gave her and her husband homemade stew-soup.  When I saw the Mrs. several days later, instead of saying, "Thank you,"  she said,  "I made your stew-soup taste better for my husband." 

Another example:  When I hand knitted (crocheted) a large baby blanket for my neighbor's new great-granddaughter, she asked me if I had paid my mother to make this blanket for her newborn great-granddaughter instead of saying, "Thank you" to me. 

Some people say snide comments instead of being appreciative and grateful.  Just be prepared.  I don't do anything for anyone unless they're gracious.  If they're ungracious, they don't deserve my time, money and effort I expend to try to make them happy or provide comfort.  It's the way it is.

[Stargazer2]

I think I agree it was sensible to give them the well-used Tupperware, I think your neighbors would have been fine with that.

On the other hand, I question whether it was respectful for your wife to "yell at you" about it, if that's what happened..   Even good Tupperware is not worth disrespectful behavior and a big fight and disharmony..

[lostandhurt]

No you are not an idiot, you are in fact being very thoughtful.

The problem here is your wife views the dishes with a much higher value than you do.  This will come off sexist but imagine your wife digging through your big toolbox in the garage and pulls out your best tools to loan to the neighbor instead of the older ones.  You would probably react much the  way she did.

Offering your neighbors food is a kind gesture and do not let anyone tell you it was wrong or insensitive thing to do just because you had half a lasagna you wanted to share with them or whatever.  Being neighborly is a good thing, offering them money or gift cards would come off as insulting like they couldn't afford food.

 Apologize to your wife for not realizing how special the containers were to her and then go to the store and buy some inexpensive containers for the next time. My sister ALWAYS over cooks during the holidays so they go by Costco or Smart & Final (restaurant supply) and buy to go containers by the stack.  Then there are no paper plates with wrap over them or non returned containers.

 Good on you for thinking of your neighbors. Invite them over for a simple meal when you get a chance.

Lost 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Some people say snide comments instead of being appreciative and grateful.  Just be prepared.  

I try to make room for the discomfort many people feel on the receiving end of a nice gesture. This can make them clumsy or seemingly ungracious, even while that makes me feel even more compassion for how rare must be their exposure to kindness.

Two comments have stayed with me. "Charity often feels better for the giver than the receiver." from Dr. Joy Browne, and I can't remember who said, "People who are hardest to love are the ones who need the most love." 

[Cherylyn]

On 7/16/2022 at 10:12 PM, catfeeder said:

I try to make room for the discomfort many people feel on the receiving end of a nice gesture. This can make them clumsy or seemingly ungracious, even while that makes me feel even more compassion for how rare must be their exposure to kindness.

Two comments have stayed with me. "Charity often feels better for the giver than the receiver." from Dr. Joy Browne, and I can't remember who said, "People who are hardest to love are the ones who need the most love." 

Catfeeder, I admire you for making room for ungracious people.  However, I'm not you.  Once I catch a whiff of ungrateful people in my life, the velvet glove comes off.  No more 'Miss Nice.'  It's a real deal breaker.  Suddenly, I withdraw my former generosity and go my own way in life.  If people want to be treated well, they either behave honorably or I'm out.  That deal's off the table ~ permanently. 

[greendots]

It's really nice that you want to help your neighbours out by giving them some food. Whilst a grocery gift card surely is practical, they may or may not use it for food. So, depending I find it's best to give them basic grocery items that you know they'll need. Another option is to get them takeaway. Especially, if they are the type that could get offended for receiving groceries. You never know.

And no, you're not an idiot. Those serving bowls are most likely reserved for special occasions. Thus your wife got upset.

Tells us what you ended up doing for your neighbours in the end.

 

On 7/17/2022 at 12:12 AM, catfeeder said:

I try to make room for the discomfort many people feel on the receiving end of a nice gesture. This can make them clumsy or seemingly ungracious, even while that makes me feel even more compassion for how rare must be their exposure to kindness.

I feel the same way. How many people do not even know what kindness is like. Besides, you reap what you sow. 🙂

[Alex39]

On 7/15/2022 at 3:06 PM, MJR88 said:

Situation:

Our neighbors are not well off financially.  Last night I went to take them some leftovers and asked my wife for something to put it in.  She gave me our most beat-up tupperware.  I told her that was ghetto and I wasnt going to take the neighbors food in that.  I then went to grab a serving bowl from the cabinets and she freaked out on me.  Yelled at me, saying those were her Thanksgiving serving bowls- refused to let me use them.  This turned into a huge fight.  She says I'm an elitist and think I'm better than her...  I'm like, I just didnt want to treat the neighbors like they deserved crappy tupperware....

Am I an idiot?

Honestly, I wouldn't want my neighbors using my nice Thanksgiving serving bowls either. As women, we know, when you give your bowls, Tupperware, dishes away, you rarely get them back. I think you should apologize to your wife. They suggest you buy some new, cheap tupperware or aluminum containers- go to Walmart, then you know it's specifically for the neighbors. 

[Rose Mosse]

On 7/15/2022 at 12:06 PM, MJR88 said:

Situation:

Our neighbors are not well off financially.  Last night I went to take them some leftovers and asked my wife for something to put it in.  She gave me our most beat-up tupperware.  I told her that was ghetto and I wasnt going to take the neighbors food in that.  I then went to grab a serving bowl from the cabinets and she freaked out on me.  Yelled at me, saying those were her Thanksgiving serving bowls- refused to let me use them.  This turned into a huge fight.  She says I'm an elitist and think I'm better than her...  I'm like, I just didnt want to treat the neighbors like they deserved crappy tupperware....

Am I an idiot?

So which did you use?

This doesn't need to break out in a fight. Just follow her lead or get new tupperware. I wouldn't give anyone leftovers. The better idea would be to invite the neighbours over for dinner.

[Wiseman2]

Your wife probably knows they just put the bowls on the floor so the dogs can eat your table scraps.

[tattoobunnie]

It's rude to bring it over in a serving dish unless you plan to eat with them!!!

Always use tupperware, this way, they don't have to worry about returning the container.  And can do so if and when or not.  What makes you think they aren't well off?  Did they both lose their jobs?  I would give them a gift card to a supermarket, so they can get food.  Food pantry items aren't always what you need, and leftovers are good for a day for a family.

You thinking to use a serving dish was you subconsciously telling your neighbors how well off you are that your wife's prized serving dish means nothing...which is probably why she called you an elitist.