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how to get over a potential relationship ruined due to distance?


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Hello everyone! I (24f)recently did a year abroad teaching in France and the last month in my town I met the most amazing person (22m). I was dating someone else and cut it off because I realized how much I was missing after meeting this person. I honestly feel like every romantic relationship I had prior to this was not good / wasn’t right for me because this one is so good. We truly had a great few weeks together but then we both had to leave for other destinations. We just met up for the past week in another European city & it was such a lovely trip. It felt like no time had passed even though it had been a month, and we instantly reconnected and both felt intense feelings for one another. We admitted to being in love, and talking about how we hope to meet up again in September if possible.

The problem is, next year I will be in France again and they will be in Germany. We have discussed that we both don’t want a long distance relationship, because for both of us in the past they have not worked out and we both feel as if they distract from experiences/living in the moment. Im at the train station now and I’m so sad leaving him. I am so worried I will never find another person as good as a match for me. I don’t know if I could even find anyone like him, or if I want to. He truly makes me happy, and I could see a life with him but it’s not possible due to distance, and I feel like it’s so unfair. I’m so grateful for the time we share, but leaving hurts so, so bad and I’m not sure how to feel because we aren’t dating despite being in love. When we were apart this past time we texted every few days, had 2 calls and kept each other updated but nothing crazy. Definitely not relationship vibes when apart, but friends who say sometimes sweet things… Now that we’ve said I love you & talked about how bad we want each other Im just confused. I dont want to think about him meeting someone else… but I know its possible. Im trying to be positive and think of how lucky I am to feel this way & meet someone but its so hard, because I feel like its so unfair.

My question is; How do I get over this ? Im confused as to if its a waste of my time / emotional energy to feel this much and be this invested. But i dont want to lose him. I dont want to be miserable either.

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You were dating someone else... for how long before you met up with this one?

You are still young & learning.  Okay, so maybe this last guy didnt do it for you and with this new one, was like a breath of fresh air.  Also, you two were still in the 'honeymoon phase', and all is exciting in that time.

If I am correct you two really don't know each other too well, do you?  So, you really have no idea what he's like long term.. or IF you two are really compatible.

So, maybe try to look at this as a 'good time' and also see it as a quick trip 😉 . As now, is time to go.

And is maybe best to leave all behind ( no more contact, especially if you're going to find it a little hard for a bit).

 

And I do believe you will find someone like this again, you've got sooo many years ahead of you to tour & find something special again. ( I am double your age & have come across a few different personalities- apparently didn't last, lol.  But that's how it goes sometimes- we need to work on accepting, healing & moving on).

 

 

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2 hours ago, ughlifeishard said:

 I was dating someone else and cut it off because I realized how much I was missing after meeting this person. 

This is a good place to start. Why you broke up and what was wrong.

Of course an exciting holiday fling is much more intense and fun than your former long distance situation.

In effect you signed up for a casual short term situation. Knowing well you would go your separate ways.

The important thing to note is pursuing improbable situationships and relationships. Then feeling mixed or heartbroken about it.

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2 hours ago, ughlifeishard said:

Now that we’ve said I love you & talked about how bad we want each other Im just confused.

So, which one of you is opposed to long-distance? Is it more him than you?

That's the impression I am getting, if I'm being honest. 

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If you dont want LDR then dont do it. He will be in a different country so he cant offer you something else. Also, you are 24. You have plenty of time to find a good or even better match then him.

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3 hours ago, ughlifeishard said:

I am so worried I will never find another person as good as a match for me. I don’t know if I could even find anyone like him, or if I want to.

Don't worry. You will. Keeping a closed heart doesn't help but with time and some effort on your part, you will meet new people. I think you know it's over and this is a dead end. I get the sense that you appreciate what you found (in the moment) with this person for a few weeks but also understand that it's limited. 

Give yourself more time for this to settle and move on. It doesn't just blow over in a day. 

You're meeting a lot of people in your twenties and it's only just begun for you. I felt exactly the same way when I was that age and thought it was the end of the world when I broke up with my first boyfriend. You'll meet new people and life goes on.

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I've done quite a bit of traveling since my teen years, and have found that no matter where you are, you'll often find one or more people you will have chemistry with.  

But the reality is that of course, if you did try to make a LDR work, eventually, one person is wrenched away from their homeland, friends, family, career, etc. The cons are numerous.

You also have to be realistic that this is infatuation, even as it feels like love. The extreme highs of a new relationship have you on cloud nine, but even if you were local with him permanently, this would settle down and you would learn who this person really is over time. Who you see at 4 to 6 weeks in could do a  360 with more months together.

I'm going to guess that you were the one that travelled to that city for one last time to meet him. It seems like you are the one who would drive this train if he wasn't rejecting the idea of an LDR. For all you know, he engages in these brief trysts regularly.

You will resist, but it's really your best interest to end contact, because keeping him in your thoughts daily will prevent you from bonding with local dating prospects. He is a charming, good-looking 22 year old, so if you think he's going to remain monogamous with someone he sees twice a year, you're being naive.

Enjoy those lovely summer duties in France. I went for a month when I was 15 and had many G rated flirtatious experiences and wrote to several of the other teens I met in other school groups from other countries. Think of your experience as a fun summer fling to put it in a positive light. Take care.

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22 hours ago, ughlifeishard said:

My question is; How do I get over this ? Im confused as to if its a waste of my time / emotional energy to feel this much and be this invested. But i dont want to lose him. I dont want to be miserable either.

Awww, I'm sorry--if you're both as locked as you say, then the only way 'around' the misery is 'through' it.

How to get over it? Grieve, on the one hand, and take encouragement that this kind of chemistry IS possible for you--even while you cannot fathom it with anyone else at the moment.

Would I tinker around with more contact and trysts going forward? No, I wouldn't, but that doesn't mean you can't. It just means that each departure will invoke more pain such as this, so you'll need to decide whether you want to live in that state, and for how long, and how often?

Nobody here is living your love life for you, so we don't get a vote. Speaking only for myself, I'd fear staying involved with him only to become preoccupied with trying to discover whether he's taken up with anyone else--only to discover that, yes, he's taken up with someone else.

I'd rather scoot before THAT kind of pain, which would amplify the pain you've already got while another path would take you eventually out of it AND build confidence in your resilience and ability to bounce back to surprise yourself. I'd rather make that my private goal.

So decide how much misery you want to keep taking on in exchange for being in love with hope.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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