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Final Straw


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I was with my ex for 3 years, 1st was fantastic although he was recently out of a toxic relationship, we got on like a house on fire and literally never argued and were best friends and lived together. 
2nd year lockdown hit I struggled mentally and he started a new job further away from home and took up all of his time. We started to bicker and arguments were becoming regular. I felt very unsupported and we lost out intimacy. I moved back to my parents (we had a two week break) and tried to work on our relationship again. He then got caught speeding on his bike and had a very prolonged court date (10 months, due to covid) where the probability was he should have lost his license but after all that he didn’t. He really struggled on this and his main focus was work as he believed his whole life was going to change (he’d have to move to where his job was based and worried about paying for a mortgage and renting elsewhere) I completely understood and tried so hard to be supportive through this. He never wanted to talk about our relationship, I saw him once a week, and at one point he told me he didn’t have time for a relationship but we still tried. 
3rd year has been awful, he lost his job (which surprisingly it didn’t freak him out) and felt like the best thing for him at the time and I supported him in whatever he wanted to do. He’s now started a new job and things still haven’t changed. 6 months ago I had the awful news that my dad had been diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease, I thought that this would mean he would step up and help me through the hardest time of my life however that’s not been the case. He was even more distance and never asked how I was or the family. Over the last couple of months, every time I mentioned our relationship or how I’m feeling he would flip/start an argument and then not talk to me for days. Last weekend he went on a lads holiday to Ibiza with his old work lot (majority 20yr olds and he’s 35) and I noticed that he had some new followers on Instagram so being nosey I saw that this particular girl was in Ibiza at the same time. I slept on it and had a pit in my stomach that I couldn’t shake so I went back onto her profile and this time (he’s back in the UK at this point) he had liked 3 of her bikini pictures from a few days ago. I’m not annoyed he’s following her but it’s the fact he’s gone back onto her page when he’s back and then liked her pictures. (He also did this with another girl earlier on in our relationship, I spoke to him about it and he understand how it made me feel).
I messaged him to say I wasn’t happy with it and asked how he’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot. He then blew up and sent me several nasty and sarcastic messages and then ended our relationship over message. That was only message I responded to and just said “ok”. He then unfriended me on social media. 
 

I’m more upset about the nasty/sarcastic messages he sent, surely you don’t do that to someone you love bringing up my past and things that happened before I met him). I don’t understand why he wasn’t being mature and just ending it on civil terms. If he’s not guilty of anything, why would you react like that? Wouldn’t you just say how you met her and in hindsight I shouldn’t have liked them but honestly it’s nothing to worry about. 

It’s like he’s had a personality transplant and I cannot say anything remotely negative or even question him or our relationship he gets like that. 

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Sorry about all this. 

I understand the wound is right now very fresh, and when that's the case we inevitably focus on what seems like the sharpest point of the blade—in this case his nasty messages and utterly thoughtless way of ending things. 

Zoom out a bit, however, and it seems this relationship has been deteriorating for years. The fighting, the lack of intimacy, the lack of connection when connection is most needed—during the pandemic, in the wake of your father getting sick, which I'm very sorry to hear about. And once you're trying to understand your partner via social media activity and deciphering reactions to bikini pics? Well, I'm of the mindset that that's kind of the end of a connection. 

In short, the reason this breakup wasn't more mature and more civil is because breakups tend to be reflections of the relationship. Maturity and civility haven't really been part of how you two operate for years now, so it's kind of inevitable, if also very sad, that that would be the tenor of how things ended. 

Do you have a good support system to get you through these hard days? I'd be leaning on that in your shoes, and carving that out. The more you go down that road the less his nasty messages to you will sting. 

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1 hour ago, Heyyou1 said:

I’m more upset about the nasty/sarcastic messages he sent, surely you don’t do that to someone you love bringing up my past and things that happened before I met him).

My guess is that he has already checked out. So he just doesnt care for pleasantries and that he just used you accusing him to get out. I am sorry, he sounds like a troublesome and nasty individual anyway. So you are far better without him. After the honeymoon period, what you got is the real him. And as you saw, that was not somebody who loves and cares for you. 

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2 hours ago, Heyyou1 said:

I moved back to my parents. 6 months ago I had the awful news that my dad had been diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease, I thought that this would mean he would step up and help me through the hardest time of my life however that’s not been the case.

Sorry this is happening. It's good you moved out. Hope your father is getting good care. Unfortunately the relationship was untenable and filled with incompatibilities. 

In this case the relationship was slowly dying. It became one of those "the only time we're not arguing is when we're not speaking to each other" type of things.

It sounds like toward the end you saw his selfish, immature true colors so in effect you dodged a bullet.

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I agree with all of the above.

I know it hurts and you would like answers but if you think about it you already have all the answers you need.

The traits you listed were pretty bad as far as relationship material goes don't you think?  Were you hoping he would somehow grow into the man you wanted him to be so you could live happily ever after?

Like what was said above, after year one what you see is what you get.  This is all you need to know.

It doesn't help the hurt right now but in time it will.

As far as the way he reacted goes:  Often times when someone is caught doing something sketchy they lash out at the person that called them on it. 

Interesting that he had time for a vacation but no time for you...

 If you knew everything he has been up to and everything he is thinking it would not change the simple fact that the relationship is over and all the information in the world will not change that.  I think you knew deep down that it was over some time ago but you were hoping for a miracle.  Maybe he would change when he got the new job, maybe once the stress of court is gone he will get better, maybe once the pandemic lifts things will go back to the way they were before.  These are all wishful thinking and looking for the villain to be anyone or anything but him.

 Mourn the loss of what could have been, focus all your energies on the man in your life that needs you the most right now as he deals with his diagnosis.

Sometimes the final straw is a good one and in this case I think it was.  Go total NC on him and DO NOT look at his social media ever!

Lost

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People can become habits. You've been trying to get back to what you remember of the first year, but this guy isn't going back there. He's turned hostile toward you, he doesn't care about your feelings, and he's offering you nothing to stick around for.

I'm so sorry, and I know that breaking away is difficult, but if you can brave the grief and stay away from him, you'll thank yourself later.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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13 hours ago, Heyyou1 said:

It’s like he’s had a personality transplant and I cannot say anything remotely negative or even question him or our relationship he gets like that. 

He is non supportive for a while now.  He's toxic.

I say good riddance to bad rubbish!

Sounds like things have been going downhill for a while.  Like you said, was pretty good for only the first year.

Be glad it's done.  Was only stressing you out more 😕 .

 

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I think it's time you start accepting that this relationship is over, OP. 

He's been drifting away for a long time and now he's blown up as a convenient excuse to shut you out and call it off. But the end was coming, one way or another. 

It's sad that it's ended like this, but it's going to be much better for you to move on from what had become a dead relationship. His heart wasn't in it anymore, and it's been hurting you too much to watch him check out. 

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