Jump to content
  • 0

How to make a long distance relationship work?


kamurj
 Share

Question

Recommended Posts

  • 0
13 minutes ago, LikeWater said:

Ah, and it would only ever be a man that could potentially view it that way, huh?

The above was merely a perspective from a woman who believes in marriage and is interested in men. If someone else doesn't believe in marriage, that's their right. 🙂

Edited by greendots
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 0
21 minutes ago, greendots said:

The above was merely a perspective from a woman who believes in marriage and is interested in men. If someone else doesn't believe in marriage, that's their right. 🙂

Sorry, but I read your unedited version, which essentially said you never bothered to even try looking at things from the opposite perspective.  You don't give a damn what men in these divorce courts go through.

If things were flipped, and it was the norm for the husband to get half the wife's money, majority custody of any children, and the wife paying child support on top of that, I think we'd all be singing a different tune.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 0
15 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I think it sounds wrong in a way, too.  It shouldn't make a person feel more valuable, hopefully they feel valuable as they are, bring value etc.  But when they value marriage and desire it so much, it becomes valuable. 

Something is only as valuable as people find it to be - or in an individual way, if one person finds it valuable to them, then it is valuable.

So even in a modern world where marriage is declining, if anything it may become *more* valuable as it gets harder to achieve or find. 

It may someday become *rare* to find a good marriage, which would mean it's a lot more valuable due to it's rarity.

Well yes obviously what people personally find value in is valuable to them. I think marriage rates may be declining. But my sense is when they were higher they included a lot of questionable or riskier marriages like arranged marriages or where the woman settled because of limited options to live independently or be a single mom by choice.  
Edited to stay in topic. My initial point was that unless there’s plans for a marital type commitment meaning marriage or long term I don’t think the immense amount of effort and money and emotional investment required for long distance is worth it.
It is worth it for people who want to remain closed off and distant and take comfort in telling themselves they are in a relationship - as long as the other person feels the same.  I don’t think that’s a healthful approach but that way the couple can communicate mostly on line and not expend the time and $$ in seeing each other. It’s like that scene in the movie Grease where she keeps in touch with men in active duty and enjoys pining away for them and getting their love letters. 

Edited by Batya33
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 0

just going on personal experience here:                                                                                                          LDRs work if both people and very independent and are comfortable without a constant companion.  The other side of that, is if someone is that independent and if the end goal is to ultimately be together that same independence that lent to the LDR working makes living together a challenge.

Both parties need to be equally open minded about moving either direction.  If one person hides their agenda, that they'll sway the other without even considering making the move themselves is unfair.  I was in two ldrs. (90 mins apart) 

The second one, I went in fully knowing better.  Sharing with him upfront that we both needed to be open to moving either way or it wouldn't work.  Ultimately the one that moves usually makes the sacrifices.  In the end neither ever intended to move my way. I would have moved, but resented they hid their agenda hoping to sway me and around 2 yrs in admitted they would never consider leaving their areas.   

One worked from home and rented a room from a friend. No children and he wasn't close to his family. The other retired early, owned his home, had very little of a social life or family in the remote area he lived. 

I had sons, an elderly mother I moved close to me, work, my own home, pets, a large circle of friends, yet I still spend a lot of anxious energy wrapping my head adjusting to the idea of moving their way.  I was also subjected to a lot of coercing. I wasn't happy to realize in the end that they never once considered moving my way.  At least not that I am aware of.

It wasn't that I wouldn't move their way.  I wasn't happy about making what felt like all the sacrifices to join them in the lives they had that seemed almost transitionary to begin with.  From where I sat, there wasn't much of anything keeping them there anyway. JMO. They so much as admitted their lives felt unfulfilled and lonely.  My life on the other hand was full and at times overloaded. 

I'd like to believe we didn't go into it with the plan to manipulate the situation in our own favor. I think we just aren't really honest with ourselves.  After having been through it twice, even though I was open minded, I realized the sacrifices were too much for me. 

I think we tend to go into it all starry eyed believing we would follow that person to the end of the earth.  But when it comes down to it, it's just not that easy.  At least, that's my experience.  It requires you to be consider everything very logically and work at not being swayed so much by your heart.

Edited by reinventmyself
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Answer this question...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...