Friends with benefits over, but feel betrayed

[ggazoo1975]

9 months ago, I started a "friends with benefits" type a relationship with a young woman. For context, she's 31(F), I'm 47(M). This does matter, and I'll share why later.

She said that she wanted to “keep her boundaries” by not telling me if she was sleeping with anyone else. I should have stopped it right there.

As the months passed however, we started to become very close. We had quite a few things in common, and we would spend as much time together as we could. We would stay up late talking, going for dinners, road trips, you name it. And even though we didn't spend the actual holidays together, she actually cooked me Christmas dinner, and bought me some presents. She was very sweet. But this is where I really started to get mislead.

Needless to say, it felt like we were together.... but not together. It was an incredibly painful grey area to be in. We were FWB, but we both felt very attached. The words "in love" were never used, but we did say that we loved each other, a lot. And the sex was amazing. So I was led to believe that it was just me.... but, the boundaries remained. She would never answer my question about other people.

This went on for 6 months. The last time we were intimate, she told me after the fact that was it was indeed the last time. She said it was be easier that way, as it might be time for us to think about stopping. I understood that, and as much as it hurt, it made sense. But I have my doubts that was the reason.

Why? Because just prior to this, I did tell her that I was never comfortable with her being with other people. I think she always knew this. But given our situation, I could never say anything. I knew what I signed up for... at least I thought I did.

A few weeks after our last intimate time, I took her out for dinner, as we wanted to remain friends. Still, even at that point, neither of us said that the FWB situation was over. That night though, I knew something was wrong. She looked sad... almost guilty.

The next day she told me that "it's time" and we needed to stop. When I asked her why, she said that she was emotionally overwhelmed. Well, I may know why.

She was very quiet for the last several weeks. But she finally texted me to say that about 2 weeks after we stopped, she got a new boyfriend. Talk about suspicious timing. We were together (but not together, remember) for 6 months, grew very close, talked about being best friends (even soulmates), loving each other... only for her to have a new boyfriend 2 weeks after?

So I started to put the pieces together. I think she was with this guy while we were together, sometime near the end. Maybe not in a relationship, but she was definitely spending time with him. Maybe even sleeping with him, but I don't know that for sure. That's why she looked so guilty. She did tell me after that he was "always around", but tried to sell it as though he was just a friend... thing is, I never knew he even existed until now. And I thought we were supposed to be so close.

I mentioned earlier that our ages matter. We're both caucasian, and before me, she would typically date brown guys her age. Well, her knew boyfriend is a white guy... and almost the same age as me. Ouch.

What's also hard too is that I can't just walk away... because you guessed it, we work together. In her mind, we are still friends, but I don't know. She's asked so much of me emotionally already. But, I do have to work with her. Ugh. It was all such an awful grey area to be in... but the love was there. Now that it’s over, the thought of her with someone else… someone who she may been with while she was with me… has caused me so much anxiety, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I want to let it go and move on. I know I’m only hurting myself here.

Am I wrong here for feeling betrayed, knowing the situation? Is she wrong with how she handled things? How can I work with her? How can we stay friends?

I really appreciate any advice on how to get past this, and what to do next.

Even writing this helps, so thank you to anyone who took the time to read.

[MissCanuck]

12 minutes ago, ggazoo1975 said:

How can we stay friends?

You can't stay friends. The goalposts have changed and it won't ever go back to where it was. And that is going to be for the best. You will find it too hard to be friends while you watch her new relationship blossom and she will naturally prioritize him over you now. A friendship isn't realistic anymore. 

15 minutes ago, ggazoo1975 said:

How can I work with her?

It's going to be difficult, no question. You will just have to focus on work and keep all interactions with her strictly job-related. Nix any personal chats. 

As for how she handled this, there should have been no talk of love and soulmates if she didn't intend on dating you. But you also saw that she was keeping you at arm's length and drawing a boundary with you. I get why you're hurt, but you both handled this poorly in your ways. You should have cut this off a while ago, but at least it's done deal now. It wasn't going to go in the direction you hoped. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, ggazoo1975 said:

We would stay up late talking, going for dinners, road trips, you name it.

Who paid for those? Because something tells me its not her lol

Even before you said its another guy, I could have guessed. She kept you close enough so you wouldnt leave arrangement and yet far enough far enough so she could leave as soon as other "prospect" comes along. Because that is all that you are to people like her. A prospect to make their desire come through. Whether its sexual or, as I suspect in this case, material. As soon as the other prospect came along, she was out faster then you can say "gone".

Are you wrong for being betrayed? Eh, yes and no. Again, she kept you around her finger and canned you when new guy came along. But you knew what you are going into. She is 16 years younger. Why do you think she was with you? Because she loves you? Or because she had benefits? Whether its financial one or even maybe work ones(bet that you are higher then her in job hierarchy also). What did you expect to happen? That she would just continue to have sex with you because you were so good at it? I mean, maybe you are, but please, be realistic. This was an arrangement where you got sex with young woman and she got some bennefits. When she found other one where she could benefit more, she just left.

[Batya33]

She called it some fancy term "boundaries" - ugh - but she was open with you from the beginning that she wanted to keep her sex options and dating options open.  So there was no leading on.  You told her you didn't like it but kept coming back for more.  This way she could play at being a couple with you knowing you two were on the same playing field -you're a mature adult who was told you were one of potentially many and you accepted that. 

[JoyfulCompany]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Who paid for those? Because something tells me its not her lol

Why would you assume so, only because she's a woman?

OP, I'm sorry but that's what being FWB is. It's not for everyone. And it's not possible with everyone.
It may be just a booty call, it may be hanging out together, it may include some friendship or even a relationship imitation but whatever shape or form it has, it implies it's not exclusive or committed.
Very rarely it may grow into a relationship but after a few months of it not happening, the chances were pretty low.

The only thing I found really grey is stating that you love each other. But, I don't know, that may mean the caring aspect of love. Like in "I love you as a person, sex is great but I don't see myself committed to you long term". Throwing the soulmate thing irks me, too.

Apart from that you should've been both free to date others. I don't see it as a betrayal that she actually did. Who she dates, how similar or not to you they are, how serious the relationship is - all these don't matter and it won't help you thinking about them.

Now, it sucks that you work together but if you actively try not to obsess over her, you'll be fine eventually. As others said - focus on work. When intrusive thoughts about her start appearing - try to deflect them with something more pleasant or productive. Focus on things that bring you joy and enrich your life. Maybe try dating outside of work. Don't try to be her friend and don't allow her to pull you into a close platonic friendship. You actually had feelings for her, she's not a friend to you. It's time for you to set a boundary.

I've had a FWB situation at work. It was shaped as a booty call. Zero romantic feelings on both sides but it still sucked some time after it ended. I've also had a FWB situation with an ex I still loved but didn't see a future with (he didn't love me and never addressed his issues). It was shaped as a relationship (with trips (we paid equally for!), affection, communication). But it wasn't and we both knew it.

In a way, when you enter a FWB situation you need to do it while wholeheartedly accepting its inevitable end and be okay with that. It's only a matter of time.
In case one of the participants starts wanting more but the other doesn't it's also time to end it.

[ggazoo1975]

Thank you so much for that, you certainly spoke a lot of truth – especially the part about paying for things. I didn't even think of that. 😛

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Why do you think she was with you? Because she loves you? Or because she had benefits?

I do think there was love there, and there still is on some level. I go back to things like the Christmas dinner. She is a sweet girl, but I've come to realize that she might not know what love is. That's the age difference. 

I don't think that she did anything that was under malice. While I do understand the "arrangement" I tend to now feel that she never should said things like "I love you" and "We're soulmates", etc. That's where I really started to feel led on. Being older though, I should have known better.

I think you're right when you say "people like her". I've just never experienced this before. Still, she did tell me that she didn't want me to get hurt and was tying to protect me. On one hand, that shows she cares, but on the other hand – even knowing the situation – I do feel like she wasn't completely honest. I only feel that way because of the love and soulmate talk. She shouldn't have said that.

Thank you again for your post – you open my eyes even more, and it helped a lot. 🙂 

[ggazoo1975]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

She called it some fancy term "boundaries" - ugh -

👍

[ggazoo1975]

6 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

The only thing I found really grey is stating that you love each other. But, I don't know, that may mean the caring aspect of love. Like in "I love you as a person, sex is great but I don't see myself committed to you long term". Throwing the soulmate thing irks me, too.

Thank you for your post, you made a lot of sense. And thank you too for saying the above. I'm glad I'm not the only way who thinks that. Means a lot. 🤗

[ggazoo1975]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

This way she could play at being a couple with you knowing you two were on the same playing field -you're a mature adult who was told you were one of potentially many and you accepted that. 

That's the thing – I wasn't told either way. When I asked, she refused to answer. If she just said "Yes, there are others" I probably would have stopped.

No answering was the answer though. But because of the the "I love you" from her, I just didn't believe it.

[Batya33]

57 minutes ago, ggazoo1975 said:

That's the thing – I wasn't told either way. When I asked, she refused to answer. If she just said "Yes, there are others" I probably would have stopped.

No answering was the answer though. But because of the the "I love you" from her, I just didn't believe it.

But it's not about "I wasn't told" - it's about you choosing not to initiate the conversation and react if you did not receive the information you wanted. Seems to me you settled for gray area because you enjoyed the sex and the attraction/time.  Her evasiveness means "no".  Her I love you means she had loving feelings and was not interested in being in a relationship with you.  Believe people when they either say they do not want to be in a relationship with you or do not respond with enthusiasm to those sorts of inquiries.  You chose not to believe it because she said she had loving feelings.  But love is only part of a relationship.  And is not enough for a healthful committed relationship.  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, ggazoo1975 said:

She is a sweet girl, but I've come to realize that she might not know what love is. That's the age difference. 

Why assume she doesn't know what love is at age 31? Assume she had loving feelings for you.  And 31 is not a girl -were you a boy at age 31? This isn't about an age difference -it's a simple matter of two people wanting different things.  

[Kwothe28]

10 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Why would you assume so, only because she's a woman?

It was a hunch about this particular woman. 16 years younger. He takes her on dinners and getaways. She has bunch of guys(we call it here "combinations") and replaces him with the guy who is also, what do you know, older. So, you do the math.

We call them "golddiggers" here. They usually "leech" onto some older richer guy. Guy maybe pays their rent, maybe buys them expensive clothes and stuff, takes them to nice dinners, vacations. Sometimes its multiple guys. One pays for one, other for something else etc. Sometimes its just advancement. For example, if you are on the job or want the job, sleeping with higher ups wouldnt hurt. But it always boils down to an arrangement where they would get some benefits due to it.

53 minutes ago, ggazoo1975 said:

I do think there was love there, and there still is on some level. I go back to things like the Christmas dinner. She is a sweet girl, but I've come to realize that she might not know what love is. That's the age difference. Maybe someday she'll look back on this differently.

She is 31. She is old enough to know what she is doing. And she did it masterfully. She gave you just enough to keep you there. To get her to those dinners and vacations and maybe a beter job position. But she was smart enough not to mention other guys and to just cut it when she found a better arrrangement. She is 16 year younger and she still managed to wrap you and other guys around her finger. Sounds to me she knows what she wants and knows exactly what she is doing.

1 hour ago, ggazoo1975 said:

I do feel like she wasn't completely honest. I only feel that way because of the love and soulmate talk. She shouldn't have said that.

But again, its you who should have known better. She could have said anything to keep you in the arrangement that was good for her at the moment. I dont blame you for being betrayed. But you should have known what this is from the start. And not think it was something more than that.

[Batya33]

Also when you said this was friends with benefits -were you close friends with this woman first or you're just using it as a euphemism for a sexual arrangement?

[Andrina]

To me, FWBs are the equivalent of trying to nail gelatin to a wall. Healthy relationships have rules/boundaries. Since a FWB is a very different animal than that, even though it's supposed to be a short term, casual arrangement, it's really difficult to find someone who will be on the same exact page about temporary monogamy, or an unlimited amount of partners, expectations for communication, expectations for how often to get together, or expecting that there are no rules at all and you see each other only when the mood strikes.

Instead of puzzling out her intentions, don't bother, as you'll never know what truly goes on in another's mind. 

Maybe just learn that FWBs aren't for you, and that being in a monogamous, longterm relationship is what you really want. 

Learn from your mistakes, and now you can be a pleasant co-worker, but distance yourself as a friend. That would be a big mistake, to be buddies with her, which will make a new dating prospect head to the nearest exit.

[smackie9]

This is where you went wrong...not enough of the right communication. With arrangements such as this, there has to be ground rules stipulated and agreed upon. Say like, if one of you meet someone, it ends, or you can date but not sleep with others, if one catches feelings, say it and decide to move on, etc. I'm guessing no real details were discussed in the beginning and you just assumed. That was just an open invitation to let her do whatever she wanted. And as we all say on here, don't dip your pen in the company ink or this will happen. Oh well lesson learned. Lick your wounds and keep your interaction with her professional only.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, ggazoo1975 said:

She said that she wanted to “keep her boundaries” by not telling me if she was sleeping with anyone else. I should have stopped it right there.

Yes, you're right, bailing would have been smart even if only to protect your own health.

FWBs are messy kid stuff. They're used as some nebulous banner to hide behind to justify any kind of behavior and any kind of exit.

Skip that. Use dating apps to screen commitment-minded women, and set up a bunch of quick meets over coffee on your way home from work. Even if you're ever stood up, you can just take your coffee with you and nothing is lost.

This will keep you focused on something to look forward to after days at work--staying focused on your work--where you are kind whenever your paths cross with whutsurname, but you won't make the mistake of allowing her to suck you back into playing friendzies for HER comfort.

Head high, we all learn from living.

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, ggazoo1975 said:

So I started to put the pieces together. I think she was with this guy while we were together, sometime near the end. Maybe not in a relationship, but she was definitely spending time with him. Maybe even sleeping with him, but I don't know that for sure.

Yes, but none of this matters if it was only based on a fwb situation - no expectations.

As for you two doing a little more than the 'basics, eg. gifts, - No, that's going too far.  I had a fwb situation years ago.  Lasted only abt 4 months, as it was always me driving there/back.  But, no... no real 'feelings' came about.. so it was fine that way. ( and no gifts , trips etc happened. Only dinner, drinks & basic visits).

 

8 hours ago, ggazoo1975 said:

We're both caucasian, and before me, she would typically date brown guys her age. Well, her knew boyfriend is a white guy... and almost the same age as me. Ouch.

- Again, doesnt matter.

 

8 hours ago, ggazoo1975 said:

What's also hard too is that I can't just walk away... because you guessed it, we work together. In her mind, we are still friends, but I don't know. She's asked so much of me emotionally already. But, I do have to work with her. Ugh. It was all such an awful grey area to be in... but the love was there. Now that it’s over, the thought of her with someone else… someone who she may been with while she was with me… has caused me so much anxiety, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Yeah, some anxiety for sure 😕 .. I agree sucks to have them around you in such a situation. ( which is why so many times is mentioned to try and NOT get involved with co-workers!!)  See how it ends up affecting your work place? * The place which is supposed to be your profession- not personal life* .

 

As for 'friends'?  No, I doubt that's workable for you at this time.  Is best to just back off totally and work thru your emotions.  No expectations anymore with her, especially since YOU are now hurting.

 

I am seeing this basically as a lesson learned.  Sometimes we do need to experience this stuff in order to learn. Now you know how it's supposed to go and what can happen if 'emotions' come about - which does make it all messy 😕 .

So.. you work through all of this & take it as a learning experience.  Just don't deal with her at work unless necessary... in time it will improve ( unless you can just find another job- not much else you can do).

 

[lostandhurt]

You were played.  Is she a nice person?  I am sure she is.  Does she care for you?  I am sure she does but only as a friend, a friend she had sex with.

 I say you were played because she knew full well if she told you the truth you would end it and she wasn't through with you yet.

Her boundaries were this:  I am using you for a place holder emotionally and sexually UNTIL I meet the right guy for me. Now if she had told you this straight out would you have continued?  I am guessing yes since the sex was good.

 What I see is that you caught feelings early on and she never did.  You tried to ignore them and kept telling yourself it is just FWB but in your heart you wanted way more and hoped it was going in that direction.

 You feel betrayed because in your mind and heart you imagined a real relationship with her and now that it is over your heart doesn't care about the logic of the situation, it only cares that the woman it loved is gone.  For her this is the end of a FWB, for you it is a breakup so you need to heal from the breakup just like a real relationship ending.

  It looks like she was far more prepared for a FWB than you were.  I agree you are not a FWB type of guy so stick to looking for a real relationship with someone that is looking for the same thing.

As far as working together goes.  I am sure there are more than a few coworkers you avoid for whatever reasons so just add her to the list. Be polite, be professional and hope HR doesn't get wind of any of this.

 Lost

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, ggazoo1975 said:

She is a sweet girl, but I've come to realize that she might not know what love is. That's the age difference.

Nah. OP, she is 31. She's a grown woman. You talk about her like she's a clueless teen. She's not.

At her age, she knew what she was doing. She is most certainly old enough to know what love is. Unforuantely, she also knew she didn't want a future with you. So while she was fond of you, she didn't see you as someone she wanted to date. And no, she shouldn't have tossed around "I love you", but you are also old enough to see through that malarkey. You have to be careful not to ignore your own instinct that something isn't right for you, and if someone is keeping their distance, you don't stick around and hope it will change. 

In the future, don't get involved in these sorts of situations. If someone isn't clear about wanting the same things (ie, working towards a relationship together) it means they don't want the same things. You saw the writing on the wall here earlier on. Read it and heed it next time. 

[Tinydance]

I agree that she should have been honest that she was seeing other people, especially as you actually asked her a few times. If you were asking she should have given you the answer. 

I think in most cases FWB doesn't work because one person gets feelings and gets hurt and disappointed. Usually the person who gets the feelings (in this case you) thinks more of the FWB arrangement and thinks that certain things mean something or will lead to a relationship. For example, if you go for a coffee with that person or something like that, you think they like you more than just sex.

Unfortunately I think that this perceived closeness and "love" was mostly on your end and not so much on hers. You were seeing each other for nine months which is a pretty long time. If this girl actually felt a lot for you or loved you, she wouldn't now have another boyfriend. I know it hurts and sucks but I don't think you should be friends with her and you should definitely try to move on.

Also I know you're 16 years older but I think it's a bit patronising to say about a 31-year-old "she doesn't know what love is". I think she does know what it is but she just doesn't actually love YOU. She enjoyed her time with you and had fun but yes all that time she was trying to find someone else.

I think unless you were paying for her (were you?) then I wouldn't necessarily call her a gold digger. She obviously found you attractive and enjoyed your company and sex so that may have been her main motivator.

I think where FWB can become confusing is that some people do want the "friends" aspect of FWB and they'll do things like go for dinner or go out to a movie because they don't want it to just be sex.

I haven't really had many FWB because I'm not really into it. But when I did have one, I didn't want to just have sex with with that person and immediately be like: "OK, now get dressed and leave". To me that seemed pretty cold so I actually did hang out with this guy, watch movies, go get food, things like that, because I liked him as a person. But I didn't really have feelings for him or love him. 

[Rose Mosse]

20 hours ago, ggazoo1975 said:

Am I wrong here for feeling betrayed, knowing the situation? Is she wrong with how she handled things? How can I work with her? How can we stay friends?

I really appreciate any advice on how to get past this, and what to do next.

Even writing this helps, so thank you to anyone who took the time to read.

You can feel anything you need to feel and ride the waves. Stop telling yourself you ought to feel differently. Fighting it just makes things worse. Acknowledge that you’re sad and distance yourself. Remain professional at work. She doesn’t want to be with you so don’t let your ego get in the way. 

Stay in tune with your other commitments and on track with your work. If she wants to be friends outside of work decline and enforce good boundaries. She is not a friend with the way you feel about her so be real here. Keep distancing yourself and move on.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I think where FWB can become confusing is that some people do want the "friends" aspect of FWB and they'll do things like go for dinner or go out to a movie because they don't want it to just be sex.

I think part of the confusion starts with using the euphemism.  Sure, good friends can choose to have sex when they're horny -and sure that can be conveniently labeled with the coy "FWB" but why in the world do people use a silly euphemism for a sexual arrangement with an acquaintance, someone you just met, someone you dated a few times but they're not the right fit for dating but are the right fit for intercourse when you're horny. 

I would hope that a person comfortable with casual sex would be comfortable calling it what it is, thinking of it as what it is because especially with people who get emotionally attached through sex the constant denial via the word "friends" and the equally silly "benefits" doesn't help the confusion that comes from someone being dishonest with themselves and choosing denial because the sex is good.  

Also I'd caution someone who see it as "just sex" that it might not be right for that person.  Sure -people who have sex also can do activities together fully clothed and in public - but it's not "just dinner" or "just bowling" or "just yoga class" and I need "more" - if sex is "just sex" I mean why bother with all the risks of casual sex including emotional risks?

[Tinydance]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think part of the confusion starts with using the euphemism.  Sure, good friends can choose to have sex when they're horny -and sure that can be conveniently labeled with the coy "FWB" but why in the world do people use a silly euphemism for a sexual arrangement with an acquaintance, someone you just met, someone you dated a few times but they're not the right fit for dating but are the right fit for intercourse when you're horny. 

I would hope that a person comfortable with casual sex would be comfortable calling it what it is, thinking of it as what it is because especially with people who get emotionally attached through sex the constant denial via the word "friends" and the equally silly "benefits" doesn't help the confusion that comes from someone being dishonest with themselves and choosing denial because the sex is good.  

Also I'd caution someone who see it as "just sex" that it might not be right for that person.  Sure -people who have sex also can do activities together fully clothed and in public - but it's not "just dinner" or "just bowling" or "just yoga class" and I need "more" - if sex is "just sex" I mean why bother with all the risks of casual sex including emotional risks?

Well it's not for everyone. Which is why I never did it much. If I didn't have feelings for the person, I usually found the sex to feel "meh". Not because it was actually bad from a physical perspective but because I just didn't feel any emotional connection or click with the person. There was one guy I fell madly in love with who only wanted FWB. I can definitely agree that it hurts and really drains you emotionally. 

There was actually one guy I didn't have feelings for and he didn't for me in am FWB arrangement and that's why it was fine. We didn't expect more from each other. But I ended it fairly quickly because I guess I was just bored with it and I knew it wasn't going anywhere lol

One thing I think all FWB arrangements have in common is that they'll end. Some sooner rather than later. There are a few Hollywood movies like "Love and Other Drugs", "No Strings Attached" and "Friends with Benefits" which romanticise FWB and make it look like the two people will actually fall in love and start a relationship. In reality I think that's very rare.

I mean, ultimately it ends up only being FWB because at least one (or both) people don't see the other person as partner material. Otherwise it wouldn't just be FWB, they would be properly dating.

[Batya33]

Just now, Tinydance said:

Well it's not for everyone. Which is why I never did it much. If I didn't have feelings for the person, I usually found the sex to feel "meh". Not because it was actually bad from a physical perspective but because I just didn't feel any emotional connection or click with the person. There was one guy I fell madly in love with who only wanted FWB. I can definitely agree that it hurts and really drains you emotionally. 

There was actually one guy I didn't have feelings for and he didn't for me in am FWB arrangement and that's why it was fine. We didn't expect more from each other. But I ended it fairly quickly because I guess I was just bored with it and I knew it wasn't going anywhere lol

I never could relate personally to having intercourse outside of an exclusive, committed, loving relationship with potential for marriage.  No judgment of consenting single adults who choose to do so.

  I did that once - meaning we were committed but he wasn't in love with me and it was too soon for me (we'd been dating 2 months, had been friends about a year by then).  It was a really big mistake and far too risky -I was just darn lucky that I had no life changing consequences.

I desired casual sex as a teen/early 20s but never did it, stayed a virgin till 24 but nowadays I think what I did sexually in my 20s would be considered "non virginal" -even back then I never said I was virginal -I simply was waiting with respect to intercourse for moral, ethical, emotional, and medical reasons.  I stopped even desiring casual sex in my 20s.  I enjoyed a few casual flings involving hooking up like on vacation etc.  

I can get why people want casual sex.  I see a lot of people lie to themselves about how they feel about casual sex and it's sad.  Many of those in denial then get jaded or bitter which is a shame too.  I know many who enjoy casual sex and do totally fine or better with it. 

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I never could relate personally to having intercourse outside of an exclusive, committed, loving relationship with potential for marriage.  No judgment of consenting single adults who choose to do so.

  I did that once - meaning we were committed but he wasn't in love with me and it was too soon for me (we'd been dating 2 months, had been friends about a year by then).  It was a really big mistake and far too risky -I was just darn lucky that I had no life changing consequences.

I desired casual sex as a teen/early 20s but never did it, stayed a virgin till 24 but nowadays I think what I did sexually in my 20s would be considered "non virginal" -even back then I never said I was virginal -I simply was waiting with respect to intercourse for moral, ethical, emotional, and medical reasons.  I stopped even desiring casual sex in my 20s.  I enjoyed a few casual flings involving hooking up like on vacation etc.  

I can get why people want casual sex.  I see a lot of people lie to themselves about how they feel about casual sex and it's sad.  Many of those in denial then get jaded or bitter which is a shame too.  I know many who enjoy casual sex and do totally fine or better with it. 

Well I've only had three FWB and I had a reason for doing it at the time and in two of the cases I don't think the reason was really sex, believe it or not. The guy I was in love with, well, you guessed it, I wanted more from it and was hoping he'd change his mind about not wanting a relationship with me. The guy that we both didn't have feelings for each other I think was just a distraction from a really bad break up from a long term boyfriend. Then there was a third guy who actually liked me a lot but I didn't have feelings for him. I think that one was more about sex because he's a really attractive guy and the sex was good lol But he was also really nice and made me feel comfortable.