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My success story, reconciliations do happen!


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A little background of myself: First of all this is a new account, as you can probably tell 😅 I honestly cannot remember my old log in details for the life of me.
I'm a female from the uk.


Back in 2006/07, I frequented these forums quite alot, i had just endured a traumatic breakup and was desperately looking for advice, support and just people to talk to, and the community was so welcoming and kind, i won't ever forget that! 
I wanted nothing more then to get back together with my ex, i was in a deep depression and everything i did just seemed to spiral me more and more, honestly a real dark part of my life. I lost sight of myself and my worth, i became obsessed with getting him back. (The story does gets better i promise lol) 

What i learned is, if you're trying to get your ex back, as hard as it is, you need to work on YOU, you need to put yourself first and focus on what you need, you really do need to try and cease contact with your ex, I believe NC (if possible) works wonders. You need to drop off the face of the earth from them, block all their social media accounts, you have to basically be dead to them.  If i could go back and talk to my past self i would stress this point.

Fast forward, that ex did infact end up coming back, begging to get back together and you know what? I rejected HIM! What a euphoric feeling that was! I realized that having that time apart and although it hurt like hell, i didn't actually want to be with him after all, he was toxic and our break up was a blessing in disguise. 

I have long since moved on from that relationship and had relationships with a few men, and i can honestly say, every single one of them has come back in some way, without fail, so don't ever give up hope, but you need to take some time for you and if, and when your ex comes back, you will be in a position to decide what YOU want, you may even find you don't want them back just like i did 😁

 

Honestly im sorry if this post seems pointless or boring, i just wanted to revisit this website and throw in my two cents, im not the best with words but i hope i have given a positive experience!  

x

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Welcome back! I think not all "ex came back" scenarios are created equally -some come back and really just want a fling, some come back just to be friends as it turns out, etc.  I reconciled with my ex fiancee almost 8 years later.  We're married over 10 years now!  Thanks for sharing your insights!

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9 hours ago, starlights90 said:

... you need to take some time for you and if, and when your ex comes back, you will be in a position to decide what YOU want, you may even find you don't want them back just like i did 😁

Fabulous!!

Cheers to you, Star! And thank you for thinking of us. This is the kind of stuff that usually needs to be experienced in order to be grasped, because there is a giant gap between what someone believes that they want BEFORE they invest in time, distance and self exploration versus what that same person may decide they want for themselves afterward.

I think of it like ascending to higher ground, where the perspective is so different that it offers insights that cannot be fathomed while in the pit of grief.

You've made my day, and thank you so much for sharing this experience. It's so important, pivotal and life changing for anyone who is willing to invest in doing what you've done.

Thanks again,
Cat

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12 hours ago, starlights90 said:

  i can honestly say, every single one of them has come back in some way, without fail, so don't ever give up hope.

Whenever an ex contacts you it's for their own reasons. Dry spell, boredom, loneliness, etc. Therefore it's best to make a clean break then delete and block them. 

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with unhealthy attachments and lack of other opportunities. Therefore once it's over it's best to move forward rather than backward.

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Good stuff!  Some really good points made.

Yes, some may come around again - and usually when you feel you are 'over them'. So, the scenario has changed.

And as mentioned, they're lonely, bored etc.  Yeah, no thanks 😕 .

It does feel so good when we realize how it failed, how we deserve much better and we're truly over it. 😉 .

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I like the insight of "in some way" because I see too many people grasping at straws when it's only "in some way" "he liked my post on FB -what does it mean??/ he unblocked my third cousin on IG and my third cousin tags me in her posts every 6 weeks.  Does it mean he wants me to contact him???" Or "he texted me and said he wanted to meet for coffee!!!" (my ex did this 10 years after we broke up as I'd told him I would be in his new city.  I was slightly intrigued he actually wanted to meet up -totally didn't want him back - and he didn't want me back either -he wanted to tell me about his significant other - a man!  We're in touch still, 19 years later.  )

When my ex fiancee returned "in some way" for a catch up dinner I didn't interpret is as wanting me back.  He didn't interpret it as wanting me back.  We'd cancelled our wedding almost 8 years earlier.  But as things happen, we both wanted each other back.  So we got back together and have been married for over 10 years now!  I think it helped that neither of us had expectations and had moved on, etc.  

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I haven't quite worked out how to reply to members separately yet so i hope this will be okay! (showing my age here? maybe 😆)

Oh my gosh, Batya, i have very strong memories of seeing you on these forums all these years ago! I can't recall if we ever interacted but absolutely thrilled to see you're here and thriving, your story is truly inspiring! 🥰

Sorry all, you're quite right, sometimes an ex will come back with their own selfish agenda, i can assure you i was not trying to instil false hope, i should have clarified that it isn't all what it may seem, but certainly disappearing from their lives is a win win for you, to heal and move forward, so if and when they return for whatever reason, you are in more of a position to decide what is best for YOU. 😉 Never ever forget your worth. 

Catfeeder you have made MY day, thank you so much for taking the time to read my post! I honestly wasnt sure anyone would read and i was just posting into the void haha, i hope to slowly come back and interact in these forums again, like i said they helped me so much when i was lonely and lost ❤️

 

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1 minute ago, starlights90 said:

Never ever forget your worth. 

Thanks so much Starlight!! I really liked your insight on how you get to decide whether you want that person back in your life - know your worth.  Please if you have not, please watch The Joy Luck Club - a mother says that to her daughter in an amazing scene.  Well actually it's an amazing movie.  

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12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Thanks so much Starlight!! I really liked your insight on how you get to decide whether you want that person back in your life - know your worth.  Please if you have not, please watch The Joy Luck Club - a mother says that to her daughter in an amazing scene.  Well actually it's an amazing movie.  

--Trying if this quote option works 🤞

Yes! Sadly during break ups, people forget how amazing and worthy of love they actually are, i was guilty of this, time is very healing. 
 

I will look that up now, hope its available to stream in the UK! x

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3 hours ago, starlights90 said:

... certainly disappearing from their lives is a win win for you, to heal and move forward, so if and when they return for whatever reason, you are in more of a position to decide what is best for YOU. 😉

 

Yes! This is the stuff I've learned from my own fair share of grieving.

People who are deeply upset over a breakup often get get blasted on advice forums for holding hope of 'getting their ex back,' but I don't believe in that kind of harsh approach. Isn't grief difficult enough without feeling like a freak over what is a perfectly natural stage of denial?

I like to encourage people to permit themselves their hope, but just to place it on a back burner for a while to focus on taking baby steps forward. 

So instead of stumbling over a preoccupation with trying to snuff out hope, one can adopt self-kindness and begin some exploration of new interests, new friendships, ways to find comfort in the presence of loved ones and rekindling some neglected older friendships--and over time, the better days begin to outweigh the bad days.

The better days start to build a degree of confidence, and at some point, reflection can reveal a whole new outlook on the broken relationship AND the ex.

I'm so happy to hear that you were able to move yourself away from snowballing the problem, and I believe that your voice can offer much needed inspiration to the next person.

Thank you, again, Star. You are a light.

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16 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Thanks so much Starlight!! I really liked your insight on how you get to decide whether you want that person back in your life - know your worth.  Please if you have not, please watch The Joy Luck Club - a mother says that to her daughter in an amazing scene.  Well actually it's an amazing movie.  

OMG - I think about that scene all the time where she's outside and in the rain, and her soon to be ex is like *** you doing out here, and she's like, "Get the F out of my house," and you see her growing a spine is what brought them back together again and happy...knowing what you want

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46 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

OMG - I think about that scene all the time where she's outside and in the rain, and her soon to be ex is like *** you doing out here, and she's like, "Get the F out of my house," and you see her growing a spine is what brought them back together again and happy...knowing what you want

Yes and remember his thing with the Haagen Dazs ice cream and the grocery bill?? And yes I so remember that scene now with her hair wet.  But I thought she was the one who ended up with the caucasian guy after the divorce? Probably a different sister.  Love these spoilers lol.  (Like in Waiting to Exhale when she puts all his stuff on the lawn including his fancy golf clubs and has a dollar a piece yard sale!).

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On 7/11/2022 at 5:20 AM, catfeeder said:

Yes! This is the stuff I've learned from my own fair share of grieving.

People who are deeply upset over a breakup often get get blasted on advice forums for holding hope of 'getting their ex back,' but I don't believe in that kind of harsh approach. Isn't grief difficult enough without feeling like a freak over what is a perfectly natural stage of denial?

I like to encourage people to permit themselves their hope, but just to place it on a back burner for a while to focus on taking baby steps forward. 

So instead of stumbling over a preoccupation with trying to snuff out hope, one can adopt self-kindness and begin some exploration of new interests, new friendships, ways to find comfort in the presence of loved ones and rekindling some neglected older friendships--and over time, the better days begin to outweigh the bad days.

The better days start to build a degree of confidence, and at some point, reflection can reveal a whole new outlook on the broken relationship AND the ex.

I'm so happy to hear that you were able to move yourself away from snowballing the problem, and I believe that your voice can offer much needed inspiration to the next person.

Thank you, again, Star. You are a light.

This this THIS! I could not agree more with your entire post! 

Out of all the kind and lovely people offering their support and advice, there was always a few maybe not so sensitive to my situation, i do think i am over sensitive at times, but usually when people are grieving from a break up as you said, kindness and understanding is the best option. 
The harsh approach always rubbed me the wrong way, i understand it may be frustrating as a reader to keep seeing those posts, but they wouldn't be posting here if they were not deeply hurt and in a bad mindset in the first place, plus, speaking from experience, it's a big step to post your traumas on a public forum, people straight up telling you to 'move on' isn't quite that easy.

I see hope as a tool, use it to get to where you want to be, everyone has hope, for many different reasons, and your advice and wisdom is spot on. 

you, cat, You're the light! Keep shining! Very happy to have crossed paths here 🙂 x

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On 7/11/2022 at 5:27 PM, tattoobunnie said:

OMG - I think about that scene all the time where she's outside and in the rain, and her soon to be ex is like *** you doing out here, and she's like, "Get the F out of my house," and you see her growing a spine is what brought them back together again and happy...knowing what you want

 

On 7/11/2022 at 6:15 PM, Batya33 said:

Yes and remember his thing with the Haagen Dazs ice cream and the grocery bill?? And yes I so remember that scene now with her hair wet.  But I thought she was the one who ended up with the caucasian guy after the divorce? Probably a different sister.  Love these spoilers lol.  (Like in Waiting to Exhale when she puts all his stuff on the lawn including his fancy golf clubs and has a dollar a piece yard sale!).

Looks like I'm gonna have to watch this very soon! I am so intrigued! 

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4 hours ago, starlights90 said:

The harsh approach always rubbed me the wrong way, i understand it may be frustrating as a reader to keep seeing those posts, but they wouldn't be posting here if they were not deeply hurt and in a bad mindset in the first place, plus, speaking from experience, it's a big step to post your traumas on a public forum, people straight up telling you to 'move on' isn't quite that easy.

Thank you, Star, and true, and I've always viewed the harsh approach as being futile, like telling someone NOT to think of an elephant.

Yeah, right...

A psychiatrist named Elisabeth Kubler-Ross promoted a theory of 5 stages of grieving that originally applied to death and dying, but contemporary therapist apply it to all forms of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance. Two of those important stages, denial and bargaining translate to 'hope' being perfectly natural. So compounding grief by self-shaming or trying to squelch a natural tendency makes no sense.

I agree with those who can distinguish natural denial from detrimental obsession, rumination, stalking, or general spinning oneself down into a deeper hole to climb out of. But being gentle with oneself, allowing some boo-hoos with a tissue box now and then only to step away from that into some private goal-setting and self-reward for small achievements is a path that leads to confidence in one's resilience.

And isn't that confidence the best foundation for getting back out there to try again?

Thanks for a wonderful subject that I'm encouraged to see resurrected.

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