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My boyfriend is going out for drinks with a girl he met at a hostel whilst backpacking in Cambodia 4 years ago..


Hhbgff
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First
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Do you live together? I wouldn’t be able to trust this person again. He’s mistreated you quite badly in the past breaking up with you once already after the Cambodia trip years ago. Interestingly you thought to save those incriminating messages also from awhile ago and continue to have them saved. What was the reason for that? Did you think you’d confront him one day or find a need for them in the future? It doesn’t seem like you’ve quite believed his lies or him as a person at all, all this time. 

Have you sought therapy after your abortion? Losing a child is hard. I can’t imagine an unborn child. I’d seek therapy and support as you may be clinging to this relationship out of comfort when someone else would have long left it behind. If you’re fearful of the future it’s understandable especially if you have not made peace with the past and what you’ve lost. 

I don’t think this man was ever into this relationship. He would never have spoken about you so crudely those years ago or found ways to disrespect you like this. Seek better support for your grief and loss. He’s not your support. He’s showing you that he doesn’t respect you. 

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Where is your absolute line? What would he have to do for you to say "enough"? 

You can still have the family you dream of. But you will need to leave this dead end relationship first so you can have the chance to meet the right man for you, one who loves you truly and wants what you want.

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Some of your replies sound almost like you consider yourself more as a bystander in your relationship with your boyfriend. Like he's calling all the shots and although you don't like it, you just have to go along with it. You sound very defeated.

Here is a thing  - you DON'T have to go along with it. This is YOUR life, your body, YOUR choices. You can actually do something about this. You are not old. Especially in this day and age, when people are getting married and having a family a lot older in the Western world. 

You can't change the past but you can change the future. Very understandably having the abortion had a huge impact on you but just because you had one doesn't mean you don't deserve to be a mother again.

And, you know, maybe you did make the right decision because it was very clear that your boyfriend didn't want to have a child with you. Or to marry you or even be with you. You don't need to be with a guy who strings you along for ten years and once push comes to shove doesn't want the responsibility of actually being a father.

For some reason you seem to think that you don't actually have any other options and that he was the last man on Earth. You are not stranded on a deserted island with him and he's not the only guy you can be with. If you actually get the strength up to leave him you will see that you'll be better off. I have a friend who is 47 and until he met his wife a number of years ago, he had never even really been in a serious relationship. Now he's 47 and she's 40 and they are only just now having their first child. It doesn't matter if you're older but you have to start over at some point.

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We were away for the weekend with my sister and her boyfriend. My boyfriend woke up at 7:30am in the morning and needed to get out of bed to go to the toilet (we didn't have an alarm set or anything). He actually took his phone with him to the toilet, at this time and had the foresight to do so. 

I found it VERY odd

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You continue to dodge the real issue, whish is the state of your relationship. You don't need to gather evidence, interpret old messages or track "odd" behavior. You already know.

When is his date with this other woman?

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You continue to dodge the real issue, whish is the state of your relationship. You don't need to gather evidence, interpret old messages or track "odd" behavior. You already know.

When is his date with this other woman?

Last Monday, he said it was on Wednesday. It didn't happen last Wednesday, so could it be tomorrow????? 

He hasn't mentioned anything of it since he told me last Monday 

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Just now, Hhbgff said:

Last Monday, he said it was on Wednesday. It didn't happen last Wednesday, so could it be tomorrow????? 

Well, why don't you ask him?

Are you planning to stick around waiting for whatever he chooses to do next?

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3 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I found it VERY odd

I hope this doesn't sound too blunt, but I can't help but find it odd that...you find this "VERY" odd. 

What do you get from all this nervy monitoring, save for a sense of victimhood? You are young, with all sorts of options before you in life, from life. Right now you are choosing the option that keeps you tethered to him, and a sense of identity in having everything you want taken from you. There is another choice. 

 

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1 hour ago, Hhbgff said:

I found it VERY odd

Do you really, though?

You appear to know exactly what is going on here. Not sure what you find odd about it, given what you already know. 

I would brace yourself for him having THE talk with you sometime soon. 

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2 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

We were away for the weekend with my sister and her boyfriend.He actually took his phone with him to the toilet

That's actually quite common. In one survey 75% of people admitted to texting on the toilet.

What's odd is that this date with the friend has you viewing anything and everything he does as suspect.

At one point you insinuated that she is moving to from Australia to  steal your BF and that they have been in a LDR all this time.

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Its almost Wednesday here. So that means in London its around the same lol. So, keep us posted how did you literally giving him a green light to see his old flame and does whatever he wants there, go. I am sure it would go wonderfully for your relationship. 

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5 pages on this thread already.

OP Please go back though all the pages and read your words and the responses you have received. I think seeing it in writing will help you decide what you need to do.

 What I see when I read your words is a young woman asking for permission to be upset about the way her bf is treating her and the relationship.  Well you don't need our permission or judgement, it only matters what you feel and think.  If you stop making excuses for him, stop blaming the other woman for his behavior you will come to the conclusion we all want you to.

  Please let us know how his "Date" goes.

Lost

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's actually quite common. In one survey 75% of people admitted to texting on the toilet.

What's odd is that this date with the friend has you viewing anything and everything he does as suspect.

At one point you insinuated that she is moving to from Australia to  steal your BF and that they have been in a LDR all this time.

Yes, I know it is common. However, in my boyfriends case he decided to take his phone with him at 7:30am and them come back to bed. Who remembers to take their phone with them after waking up from a long sleep and needing the toilet? 

I'm hopefully not viewing anything and everything he does as suspect. I can't help but notice his behavior. We were away for the weekend at a holiday cottage and at every chance he would pull his phone out and angle the screen away from me. 

I never insinuated that they had been in a long distance relationship all this time. I think that would be a bit farfetched. I guess what wouldn't surprise me is if they had been keeping in contact. 

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2 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Well, he told me earlier that he's booked to go into the London office tomorrow so that ties in with his date plans, doesn't it now????????? 

He told you he's having a drink with her on Wednesday in London. That's tomorrow. I don't quite understand all the suspicious question marks.

Big picture, you seem to ignore a lot of responses here, focusing primarily on those that keep your suspicions raised. That's fine, your prerogative. My hope is that you'll challenge yourself to see that that's a kind of coping mechanism, as is staying in a situation where you're the victim. The power in that is always an illusion, one that generally just compounds hurt.  

 

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9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Where is your absolute line? What would he have to do for you to say "enough"? 

You can still have the family you dream of. But you will need to leave this dead end relationship first so you can have the chance to meet the right man for you, one who loves you truly and wants what you want.

To be honest, it would be any further contact or mention of this girl. I am absolutely infuriated. If the plans for a "date night" come to fruition tomorrow, I think I will have to make the decision to leave me and my boyfriends relationship behind. 

I am such a coward, I couldn't bring myself to ask him anything tonight. My boyfriend was working until 9pm. It's like I still can't believe it's real or might end up happening. 

I am so desperately sad and downtrodden inside. 

We still haven't had sex, it's been more than 4 weeks now. My boyfriend barely looks at me or even in my direction anymore. We just had a long weekend at a holiday cottage with my sister and her boyfriend, we all went out for food and drinks together. On two different nights, we all raised a glass to toast each other and you know, clink our glasses together. On both occasions, my boyfriend toasted my sister and her boyfriend first and then missed me out. 

It must have been intentional as it happened twice and it was incredibly upsetting and petty. 

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8 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I am absolutely infuriated.

Yet, from what I can tell, he does not know this. In that, you are both being less than honest right now, both waiting for "something to happen" in order for everything to be addressed, or at least for one, or both, of you to admit that the relationship is not working. 

Where do you think this "cowardice" comes from? Maybe it's too raw a moment for reflection, but I would really look into that instinct and impulse to hide your feelings from him. It's hard to bring up hard things, I get that, but you really can't have a relationship with someone without that.

11 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

If the plans for a "date night" come to fruition tomorrow, I think I will have to make the decision to leave me and my boyfriends relationship behind. 

Why wouldn't they come to fruition? He told you about them, you said nothing about how it made you feel, so the message received is that it's okay, accepted. I think he's behaving like a complete bozo, don't get me wrong, but that doesn't mean you don't have agency yourself.

Could it be that you want tomorrow to be the end—that you're as ready as this to all be over as he seems to be? 

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So he goes on this date and then what? Will you stay, hoping and hoping that you two will somehow remain together in a blissfully happy and loving relationship? How realistic is that hope?

How successful can you be at burying your head in the sand and pretending everything's just fine?

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28 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

To be honest, it would be any further contact or mention of this girl. I am absolutely infuriated. If the plans for a "date night" come to fruition tomorrow, I think I will have to make the decision to leave me and my boyfriends relationship behind. 

I am such a coward, I couldn't bring myself to ask him anything tonight. My boyfriend was working until 9pm. It's like I still can't believe it's real or might end up happening. 

I am so desperately sad and downtrodden inside. 

We still haven't had sex, it's been more than 4 weeks now. My boyfriend barely looks at me or even in my direction anymore. We just had a long weekend at a holiday cottage with my sister and her boyfriend, we all went out for food and drinks together. On two different nights, we all raised a glass to toast each other and you know, clink our glasses together. On both occasions, my boyfriend toasted my sister and her boyfriend first and then missed me out. 

It must have been intentional as it happened twice and it was incredibly upsetting and petty. 

Well tell him not to see this girl! It's not actually hard! Why are you scared of him?! 

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Okay, so he stayed in his office and worked until 9pm this evening. I couldnt tell you if he's ever worked that late before. He usually finished by 5:30pm. I could have guessed right? 

I'm in bed now. I came upstairs to bed before my boyfriend and he stayed downstairs in our living room. He was watching something on the TV, but I heard the show stop over an hour ago and he's still downstairs. What is he even doing? He still hasn't even come up to bed? He must be on his phone. I can't hear any noise from downstairs. Is he messaging that girl? Am I going mad? 

He doesnt even have a fan downstairs and it's unbearably warm tonight. I thought he would come upstairs to make use of the fan in the bedroom. 

I can't sleep. I'm wondering what he's doing. 

 

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2 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

What is he even doing?

Why are you so scared to ask him? Are you not yet seeing that tiptoeing around him isn’t helping anything, least of all you? 

Whatever is up with this woman, including the possibility that nothing is up, your fear of engaging with him is the far more concerning thing right now. 

Take a few deep breaths. Many of the people responding here, myself among them, have been in nasty situations inside relationships. Whatever the details of yours, you’ll get through it. But you have to face it. 

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Why are you doing this to yourself? Your fear and anxiety are jumping off the screen. 

It's important to realize this man and this relationship are the cause of your distress, not the solution to it.

What do you think would happen if you left him?

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OP. 

You are not going to get anywhere by sitting on the sidelines of your own life. Pull up your socks and ask him the hard questions. 

Either that, or you will be absolutely demolished when he comes to you one day and says this relationship is over and you need to move on from him.

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Yeah, the bozo (thanks, bluecastle) is one foot out the door, doing the classic monkey branching with another woman.

But, OP, the cruelest of all is how you treat yourself. Letting life completely happen to you. Taking all the BS in and internalize it. All these emotions you feel, they're calling for action, not for swallowing them up as you loose your breath, sleep and sanity. You want things but what do you do apart from hoping they'll just fall into your lap? They don't come to you as a prize after you've been a goody-goody and a conflict-free person. The "prize" for being an utter convenience is to get stomped all over. And conflicts don't disappear into thin air, they're there, chipping away at your mental and physical health.

You seem to be a loving, reliable, observant person. Your only mistake is that you don't practice those towards yourself. And this mistake comes with a great cost you've already paid and are currently paying - enormous hurt. I would strongly recommend therapy, no matter what happens. Hope you can afford it or there's a way it can be partially paid by the state or something.

It's been 10 days and you can't say a word to your partner of 8 years. And you think you had a good relationship before Cambodia girl showed up? No. Cambodia girl is a catalyst, nothing more. With how young you've been when you went into that relationship and with the mention of his "zest for life and adventure", I have a theory of what has happened and why it dragged on for so long. But I'll leave the conclusion drawing to you, once you're ready to face reality.

I'm sorry, OP, I don't want to be hurtful. I've been stuck and blind in an unhappy LT relationship before. I got panic attacks out of my own inaction back then. My only regret is I didn't stand up for myself.

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10 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

 I can't sleep. I'm wondering what he's doing. 

Go downstairs and talk to him. Are you afraid his  "working late" was actually the date?

How can you be with/live with someone for 8 years and not be able to talk to him?

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