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My boyfriend is going out for drinks with a girl he met at a hostel whilst backpacking in Cambodia 4 years ago..


Hhbgff
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
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Just now, MissCanuck said:

And now you are seeing how much it hurts when stop sweeping the issues under the rug and start facing reality. 

 

Yes 

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On 7/7/2022 at 2:16 PM, indea08 said:

First off, I don’t like the way he informed you about this meetup. It was an FYI, an afterthought, not a welcoming invite for your thoughts and feelings.

Second, why does it have to be drinks? They can meet for coffee, meet at a park, go to a mall, etc. Meeting for drinks feels like a date.

Third, any decent man would not compromise his partner’s feelings for a woman he only knew for 2 weeks, 4 years ago. That makes zero sense.

Does this guy often dismiss your feelings? 

I don't like the way he informed me either. It was very weird. The way he just said "just so you know we're going out for drinks" and that was that. So shady and oh so sly. Theyve pre-arranged it more than 10 days in advance too. My boyfriend never arranges things in advance like this. 

Its like she was the girlfriend and I was the friend he was informing about his plans. Not even a friend really. 😕

Yes, he is dismissive and he likes to prove me wrong. He has been extremely pessimistic lately, disagreeing or finding a problem with anything I'm saying just for the sake of it. It's like he just wants to get a win out of me. 

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21 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Why did he bother to tell me the truth that he is going out for drinks with her? 

Reading the other things you have described about him?

Because he just no longer really cares if your relationship tanks because of this. 

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2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Reading the other things you have described about him?

Because he just no longer really cares if your relationship tanks because of this. 

I'm screaming inside now 

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2 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

It's all dependant on me finding a job that or new career that pays more. Only then, will he consider any sort of commitment with me.

Because abusive blame is what he's into. He's using BS and making it your fault. However he's fine using you as a housekeeper and built-in sex ("like married", as you put it) but he doesn't really want to respect you.

This is related to your current predicament in that he is telling her all sorts of rubbish behind your back. 

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Do you live in a nicer place than you could afford on your own because of your boyfriend's salary/income? Is that part of the friction -he doesn't like having to financially provide more in the live-in relationship?  

I mean a lot of that is besides the point.  FWIW I think he told you because he might come home smelling of her and/or decide to stay out all night which he wouldn't do with his colleagues he meets for drinks.

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14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Because abusive blame is what he's into. He's using BS and making it your fault. However he's fine using you as a housekeeper and built-in sex ("like married", as you put it) but he doesn't really want to respect you.

This is related to your current predicament in that he is telling her all sorts of rubbish behind your back. 

Yes, like he did when he got back from Cambodia. She was his confidant. She must have also 'sparked' him wanting to break up with me. He says he didnt have romantic feelings for me anymore and wasn't attracted to me. He must have been comparing me 

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14 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

I don't like the way he informed me either. It was very weird. The way he just said "just so you know we're going out for drinks" and that was that. So shady and oh so sly. Theyve pre-arranged it more than 10 days in advance too. My boyfriend never arranges things in advance like this. 

Your posts show how much you are in denial and you're trying to find reasons or excuses for his behaviour when really, there are none.  The reality you're in is horrible, so it's understandable why you have been finding it so hard to accept.  The level of blatant disrespect and disregard your boyfriend is showing towards you, your relationship and your feelings should be a big wake-up call.

If your boyfriend was genuinely on the level with this girl and wanted to be respectful towards you, he shouldn't have just told you he was going, whether you liked it or not.  "Hey, the girl I befriended in Cambodia is moving here and I was wondering how you'd feel if we met for a coffee?  She was only ever a friend and of course you're welcome to come and meet her too.  In fact, she has a boyfriend so it might be nice if the four of us get together."  That's how it should have happened, but it didn't, because she wasn't just a friend!

If you're not going to tell your boyfriend his behaviour is unacceptable and call it a day then you could call his bluff and insist on going along, but I doubt this one meet-up will be the only one.  Are you going to accept him having an affair right in front of your face? 

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2 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

. She was his confidant. . He says he didnt have romantic feelings for me anymore and wasn't attracted to me. 

Are you only finding this out now reading his messages from 4 years ago? It's very sad, but you have enough info to kick him out or move asap before you waste even more time on him playing house. He is not "comparing". His remark about not being attracted to you stands alone.

She is not the problem. He's telling her the same pack of cheater's lies he's telling you: "We're like roommates" is what she's hearing same as "we're just friends" is what you're hearing. 

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3 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

Yes, like he did when he got back from Cambodia. She was his confidant. She must have also 'sparked' him wanting to break up with me. He says he didnt have romantic feelings for me anymore and wasn't attracted to me. He must have been comparing me 

It's not about comparing.  When you're committed you're not interested in whether the grass could be greener, and there is no comparison at that level -superficial level -sure  -as a fleeting thought "Oh I wish my wife would like Star Trek as much as ____ does' - but if he had a mindset of comparing he already was thinking of options -one foot out the door.  If he'd felt committed to you then he would have become friends with this woman and chosen not to cross the line - or deepen the friendship if he sensed too much attraction.  

I don't think it has to do with his trip -he invited you, after all -it had to do with his mindset going into the trip.  I'm sorry.

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you only finding this out now reading his messages from 4 years ago? It's very sad, but you have enough info to kick him out or move asap before you waste even more time on him playing house. He is not "comparing". His remark about not being attracted to you stands alone.

She is not the problem. He's telling her the same pack of cheater's lies he's telling you: "We're like roommates" is what she's hearing same as "we're just friends" is what you're hearing. 

No, I'm not finding about this now. I'm remembering the messages from 4 years ago. I don't have any access to them now, of course and I only had access to them at one time when my boyfriend left his computer open four years ago. The ones I posted on here are the only ones  I had time to save. 

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What part of your reason for staying was financial -he makes a lot more than you - do you live in a nicer place because of that? Do you make enough to live independently? Do you have savings/investments?

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So what was your reaction when he tried to break up with you after his trip?

How did you manage to convince yourself to overlook the fact that he himself said he didn't feel it anymore and wasn't attracted to you? I can't imagine ever being able to date someone who said those things to me, so I am curious how you two wound up staying together. 

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Like any long term relationship's ending there are so many things to process.

I really encourage you to get into therapy.   Holding him in such high esteem and therefore, sacrificing (everything) to hold on to him, has seriously damaged your self esteem and even your ability to see things straight. 

Even if you disregard everything from the past up until now.  The point where, he has announced, he has a date with the woman he cheated on you with, there's still a lot of mistreatment and disrespect here. It frankly does not match your perspective of things. To an alarming extent.

He's telling you he is unfulfilled,  not attracted, sex is not happening, he's nitpicky, picking fights and being a downer. 

That's not love and there is no turning it around. I fear you have been brainwashed to an extent. but you've been one of the people lying to you, too.

I hope you decide to leave. Next time he leaves the house.  Grab what's important and leave. Leave a note that basically says enjoy your life. 

Do you have anywhere to go? 

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What do you want for yourself--for things to remain exactly as they are with BF, or possibly, marriage, children, family?

If you want more than what BF is giving you, why are you wasting a full decade of your fertility years on a guy who isn't equally invested--or even trustworthy?

Maybe the emergence of Cambodia girl is doing you a favor?

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On 7/10/2022 at 4:05 AM, catfeeder said:

What do you want for yourself--for things to remain exactly as they are with BF, or possibly, marriage, children, family?

If you want more than what BF is giving you, why are you wasting a full decade of your fertility years on a guy who isn't equally invested--or even trustworthy?

Maybe the emergence of Cambodia girl is doing you a favor?

I would really like to get married and have a child, for sure. I know that I've always wanted to be a mum and to be honest I've wanted to have a child for years now, dismissing practical or financial reasons. 

I'm starting to feel like it's just never going to happen. I feel trapped after so many years now. 

I'm scared that I will have to live with the abortion for the rest of my life and never have a living child or experience a pregnancy or parent. The pain of wondering who my child would have been and never been able to get to know them is unimaginable and bottomless. The decision to have the abortion was justified in my boyfriends mind, but it wasn't in mine. It has ruined my life. I desperately wanted to keep the child and I almost backed out of it. I don't understand why my boyfriend couldn't have done the right thing and listened and supported me, but I guess that would have just been too much too ask. Especially as Miss Cambodia had been in the picture 6 months ago. 

 

 

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12 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I'm starting to feel like it's just never going to happen

It certainly still can happen for you. It just won't be with your boyfriend. 

The sooner you walk away, the sooner you can start to heal and eventually find the man who wants that sort of future with you. 

13 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I don't understand why my boyfriend couldn't have done the right thing and listened and supported me

Not that I think your boyfriend deserves any gold stars, but for him, it wasn't the right thing to have a child together. I agree that he should have listened to you and been more supportive, without a doubt. It sounds like the way he handled it was very insensitive. But my guess is that you two wouldn't have raised that baby together as a couple. It was very clear from his reaction that he did not want a child. You would have either been a single mother, or perhaps discussed adoption. But it wouldn't have been the happy little family you dreamed of. 

I'm sorry. It appears this relationship has been limping along to its inevitable end for a long time. What are you plans from here? 

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On 7/8/2022 at 12:32 PM, Jibralta said:

One thing I notice in reading those messages and reading your interpretation of them is that you place no blame on your boyfriend:

No, I don't agree that it is her who is making everything sexual. The conversation is sexual. Their relationship is sexual. Whether they are sleeping together or just flirting inappropriately, it's sexual. She would not be bringing up sex if it wasn't already part of their rapport. He would not be volleying back and forth with her if he wasn't complicit. 

Is he talking about backing out of his relationship with you?

Yes. When he got back from Cambodia. 

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