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My boyfriend is going out for drinks with a girl he met at a hostel whilst backpacking in Cambodia 4 years ago..


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21 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Did you read their messages? 

One thing I notice in reading those messages and reading your interpretation of them is that you place no blame on your boyfriend:

3 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

Don't you agree that she is making everything sexual??

No, I don't agree that it is her who is making everything sexual. The conversation is sexual. Their relationship is sexual. Whether they are sleeping together or just flirting inappropriately, it's sexual. She would not be bringing up sex if it wasn't already part of their rapport. He would not be volleying back and forth with her if he wasn't complicit. 

3 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

it's almost tempting to back out of my decision seeing the sadness it's brought

Is he talking about backing out of his relationship with you?

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10 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

One thing I notice in reading those messages and reading your interpretation of them is that you place no blame on your boyfriend:

No, I don't agree that it is her who is making everything sexual. The conversation is sexual. Their relationship is sexual. Whether they are sleeping together or just flirting inappropriately, it's sexual. She would not be bringing up sex if it wasn't already part of their rapport. He would not be volleying back and forth with her if he wasn't complicit. 

Is he talking about backing out of his relationship with you?

Yes, four years ago when he got back from Cambodia. He told me not to meet him at the airport and when he got back to our flat, he told me straight away that he wanted to break up. It was completely 'out of the blue'. He barely greeted me after 30 days apart and immediately started unpacking all of his stuff to deflect his attention away from me. 

I didn't recognise him. He was like a new person. He seemed incredibly distant, angry and irritable (I am seeing some similarities in his behaviour now but nowhere near as bad). I had a strong sense that he had cheated on me and that there was somebody else involved, I only found out about her days/weeks later when he went out and accidentally left his computer on. 

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4 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

I've never known my boyfriend to lie or mislead me about things. 

Are you reading your own words here? 

On 7/7/2022 at 10:01 AM, Hhbgff said:

At this time, they also tried to book a weekend trip away together to the lake district. At the time, my boyfriend told me that he was looking to go away with a friend

You are in some serious denial. He most definitely tried to mislead you. 

 

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3 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

four years ago when he got back from Cambodia. He told me not to meet him at the airport and when he got back to our flat, he told me straight away that he wanted to break up. 

I didn't recognise him. I had a strong sense that he had cheated on me

I am sure of it. These two had sex there. Their messages and continued communication reveal they want to do it again. 

I'm sorry, girl. You need to wake up. You should gotten rid of him 4 years ago. 

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1 minute ago, Hhbgff said:

Yes, four years ago when he got back from Cambodia. He told me not to meet him at the airport and when he got back to our flat, he told me straight away that he wanted to break up. 

It could not have felt good to see yourself being gossiped about behind your back, especially when you had such a strong sense that he had cheated.

Why did you stay with him?

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4 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

him Much emotion in this London apartment
her I bet is a bit awkward
him Very. It all feels a bit alien and it's almost tempting to back out of my decision seeing the sadness it's brought

OP, so, you're the "London apartment", plus very awkward and alien, how lovely...

He was the one talking about you in the most impersonal and detached way possible.
He was the one who tried to ditch your 4 year relationship over someone he met on an adventure.
He was the one trying to plan a weekend getaway for them behind your back.
He was the one who refused to take your relationship to the next level and talked you into the abortion.
He is the one checking out of your 8 year relationship at the moment.

All this time you stayed silent and passive on the side, waiting for the dust to settle and for him to hopefully stay and commit further. And now it's the Cambodian (in Asia, Kwothe28, not Africa) fling's fault? No.

OP, you're now paying the price of refusing to open your eyes in the last 4 years. I'm sorry, it's very hurtful but it's time to face reality and take some action. It may very well get decided instead of you very soon anyway.

Wiseman2 nailed it again. This man is a snake.

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

It could not have felt good to see yourself being gossiped about behind your back, especially when you had such a strong sense that he had cheated.

Why did you stay with him?

Yes, it was excruciating. I don't know how or why I carried on. I carried on working, running errands, carried on carried on carried on. 

I stayed with him because despite all of this, I love the person he is. I felt like he was/is life enhancing. He is so charismatic and enthusiastic about life. He is wise and full of wisdom. And, at one time he was so enthusiastic about me. I am sure that he was infatuated by me. That is what has kept me going. We have a similar taste in everything house furniture, design, clothes. We both always notice and like the same things. Something just feels natural about us. He has a bit of a feminine side to his personality and I love that. He gets excited about house things and interior design. 

The thought of the future together makes me giddy. Growing old with him, I'm sure we wouldn't have a boring retirement. He has such a zest for life, I can't explain it but he is life enhancing and energising and he likes being active. He is so enthusiastic about everything. He would be a phenomenal dad and theres so much I want to happen for us. 

 

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Are you reading your own words here? 

You are in some serious denial. He most definitely tried to mislead you. 

 

But he said that she had a boyfriend here already in London and would be moving into a flat with him... 

Do you think it is likely she does have a boyfriend here already??????  

Does she really have a boyfriend here that she is moving in to a flat with after living in Australia for the past 3+ years? If she does, they must have been doing a long distance relationship???? But then, she has the thought to contact my boyfriend after been reunited with her boyfriend here after they'd have been in a long distance relationship? Surely her own boyfriend would have his own friends for her to meet first???????What about her boyfriend???? Shouldn't she be going out for drinks with him and getting to know the city through him? I just don't understand, my mind is boggled. 

Wouldn't it make more sense if she had an australian boyfriend after all of this time? 

I honestly think that this woman is purposely moving to London to try and pursue my boyfriend again. I have such a strong, tight feeling of dread. 

When is she arriving here I need to know?  I saw a photo on her dad's Facebook account in Australia from the 20th June. He must have been visiting her and maybe escorting her here? 

I am sorry for the stalking. 

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7 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

He is so charismatic and enthusiastic about life. He is wise and full of wisdom

Yes, so wise that he has kept up a sham for the last 4 years. So wise that he didn't stick to his decision to break up with you after he cheated on you. So charismatic that he tried to have a weekend rendez-vous with his lover and pretend it was his "friend."

10 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

he is life enhancing

Boy, do we have different definitions of "enhanced"! 

How exactly does his devious behaviour enhance your life? Did you feel enhanced when you were crying on the floor while he called an abortion clinic? Do you feel he's enhancing your life by arranging to meet a woman he had sex with while in a relationship with you? Were you enhanced when he tried to sneak off for a weekend with her? 

You have this clown on a pedestal. He is not the wonderful man you desperately want to believe he is. The fantasy version you have in your head is, in my opinion, an absolute mechanism of denial you've constructed to protect yourself from the pain of reality. But the denial can only last so long before reality comes knocking. And the date for that reality check is now

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4 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

But he said that she had a boyfriend here already in London and would be moving into a flat with him... 

So? He cheated on you. She could cheat on her partner, too. (if he even exists, which nobody here can tell you) And even if she has a boyfriend, she isn't the main problem. Your boyfriend is. 

And the problem will still be there even if she gets hit by a turnip truck tomorrow - he isn't in love with you anymore and doesn't want the future you do. You have to stop blaming her for all of this. Zero of it would be possible without his consent. And he is very much consenting and actively participating. 

You are doing yourself a serious disservice by delaying the inevitable end of this relationship by watching him walk out the door and slowly close it behind him. He's on his way out. If it's not this woman, it will be a different one in the future. 

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11 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I honestly think that this woman is purposely moving to London to try and pursue my boyfriend again. 

Are you under the impression she and your BF have been in a LDR since he cheated with her on their trip 4 years ago? Playing house will not lead to the things you are hoping for.

Whose place is it? Do you co-own or co-lease? If it's his place, move out. If it's yours, give him adequate notice to move. If you co-lease, see which one of you can get out of the lease and move.

This is not about his date with her. There is so much indifference and hurt he has inflicted there's not point fighting for him.

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59 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

in Asia, Kwothe28, not Africa

Yes, my bad lol

7 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Do you think it is likely she does have a boyfriend here already??????  

 

Why does it matter? As others have said, your gripe shouldnt be with her but with your boyfriend. He is the one that is non-chalantly brushes you off while he is going to see his Asian fling from 4 years ago. You are so focused how she must have come to take away your boyfriend that you absolve him of any guilt for this thing. It takes two to tango. He had a fling with her, even wanted to leave you after it. And now wants to see her to maybe jumpstarts something again. If you want honest opinion, he probably just said that she has a boyfriend to calm you down. While in a reality, again, you should be furious with him. It really doesnt matter when he is initiating the meetings and even doesnt hide it from you. He wants to cheat on you. She isnt that important in the equation, she is just an opportunity. So your focus should be him and his bad behavior. That again should net him you throwing him in the street. You cant and shouldnt allow that kind of behavior. Where he doesnt even hide what he wants to do and you just allow him.

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1 hour ago, Hhbgff said:

love the person he is. I felt like he was/is life enhancing. He is so charismatic and enthusiastic about life. He is wise and full of wisdom. And, at one time he was so enthusiastic about me. I am sure that he was infatuated by me. That is what has kept me going. We have a similar taste in everything house furniture, design, clothes. We both always notice and like the same things. Something just feels natural about us. He has a bit of a feminine side to his personality and I love that. He gets excited about house things and interior design. 

The thought of the future together makes me giddy. Growing old with him, I'm sure we wouldn't have a boring retirement. He has such a zest for life, I can't explain it but he is life enhancing and energising and he likes being active. He is so enthusiastic about everything. He would be a phenomenal dad and theres so much I want to happen for us. 

So you love the person he is and the person he is includes someone who lies/sneaks around on you.  Why is infatuation enough? If you want someone who likes how you decorate a home maybe join a meetup group of people into interior decorating and make some new friends or activity partners -he and you may have similar taste but apparently he's just as happy with the interior decorations of a cambodia hostel if it includes some hottie.

He has a zest for life but you don't right now cause you're bogged down in the negativity of what you've chosen for yourself.  You come across as passive -are you riding on his sparkle? He might sense that and not like it much.  Instead of leaving you he's staying comfy in a home he shares with you while he adventures elsewhere.  He might be a great dad but he won't be a great role model for committed relationships.

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1 hour ago, Hhbgff said:

Yes, it was excruciating. I don't know how or why I carried on. I carried on working, running errands, carried on carried on carried on. 

I stayed with him because despite all of this, I love the person he is. I felt like he was/is life enhancing. He is so charismatic and enthusiastic about life. He is wise and full of wisdom. And, at one time he was so enthusiastic about me. I am sure that he was infatuated by me. That is what has kept me going. We have a similar taste in everything house furniture, design, clothes. We both always notice and like the same things. Something just feels natural about us. He has a bit of a feminine side to his personality and I love that. He gets excited about house things and interior design. 

The thought of the future together makes me giddy. Growing old with him, I'm sure we wouldn't have a boring retirement. He has such a zest for life, I can't explain it but he is life enhancing and energising and he likes being active. He is so enthusiastic about everything. He would be a phenomenal dad and theres so much I want to happen for us. 

 

You are missing a huge piece of the puzzle. HE doesn't want these things with you.

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30 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

You are missing a huge piece of the puzzle. HE doesn't want these things with you.

Why are you so sure that he doesn't? 

I mean I see your point, he said that he does, but I think it's obvious that he doesn't by now. 

He said that he has been waiting on me for years to find a better paying job. I work an entry level job and have a rubbish salary at it. It's all dependant on me finding a job that or new career that pays more. Only then, will he consider any sort of commitment with me. He is not going to compromise on this and has threatened to leave me before because my job is holding us back. It has a low salary but good benefits. 

Hes told me he thinks I can do much better and deserve better than this job. 

I would like to do better for us. He makes £80,000 annually so I don't understand why we have had to put everything on hold for so many years now.  So we have a combined income of £100,000. I don't want to make this all about him and his salary, I really don't. I would love do better, but it's not that simple. I don't have a degree or any relevant experience is another type of job. 

I would like to do better, I really would but I know it won't be easy and that I don't have much time left. 

 

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3 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Why are you so sure that he doesn't? 

I mean I see your point, he said that he does, but I think it's obvious that he doesn't by now. 

He said that he has been waiting on me for years to find a better paying job. I work an entry level job and have a rubbish salary at it. It's all dependant on me finding a job that or new career that pays more. Only then, will he consider any sort of commitment with me. He is not going to compromise on this and has threatened to leave me before because my job is holding us back. 

Hes told me he thinks I can do much better and deserve better than this job. 

 

It's not about the job! Come on, that's total bs! He just didn't want to commit to you and he needed an excuse for it. I know they say "love is blind" and I think in your case it's 100% true. You had so many examples that this guy didn't see a future with you but you just chose to ignore them.

How could he say he wants kids but then you actually got pregnant and he pressured you to get an abortion. He did this because you didn't get some high paying job??!! What a bunch of garbage. 

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10 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

He makes £80,000 annually so I don't understand why we have had to put everything on hold for so many years now.

Because he doesn't want to marry you. The job is an excuse to buy him time until he's ready to break up. 

And him telling you he doesn't feel fulfilled anymore, the sex drying up and him agreeing to meet this woman is the beginning of that process. 

 

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The job is an excuse.  Does he want you to work full time and him to work full time if you have a baby? What have you discussed about that?  You seem satisfied with your job and its benefits and with the level of education you have accomplished.  He says he says.  What has he done to implement? Nothing because of the "job?" 

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2 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

But he said that she had a boyfriend here already in London and would be moving into a flat with him... 

That's what he is saying...but you aren't invited to their soirée.  It's called lying.

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I think you're going to be the only one who's surprised when he comes home from his date with her and tells you his relationship with you is over and he's moving out. Although you shouldn't be surprised. He's making it glaringly clear. 

Your ability to deflect and ignore is very strong. You can apply that effort to accepting the truth and choosing to move on from this man who clearly is no longer committed to you and your relationship with him. I'm sorry for this, but burying your head in the sand will not help or prevent any of this from happening.

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What you are doing is focusing on her actions instead of your bf's.  You are not in a relationship with her so stop trying to figure out her motives or plans because they do not matter.  What matters is his intentions, his honesty and his respect of you and the relationship.

  Does she have a bf?  Does it matter if she is willing to cheat on him?

  Did she move back to be with your bf?  It doesn't matter if he shuts her down and makes it clear he loves you and would never  do anything to hurt you or damage the relationship.

 You see this is his choice and this woman is not in control of his actions.

I know you want answers but the thing with cheaters is they lie and then lie some more to you and themselves.

At best he is acting extremely sketchy about this whole thing and is not taking your feelings into account even a little.

Now I am not clear on what happened between them all those years ago.  Did he cheat on you with her back then?

 Lost

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19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I think you're going to be the only one who's surprised when he comes home from his date with her and tells you his relationship with you is over and he's moving out. Although you shouldn't be surprised. He's making it glaringly clear. 

Your ability to deflect and ignore is very strong. You can apply that effort to accepting the truth and choosing to move on from this man who clearly is no longer committed to you and your relationship with him. I'm sorry for this, but burying your head in the sand will not help or prevent any of this from happening.

Look, I just can't believe that this is my life. It is an ongoing nightmare. I wook up on the middle of the night on Monday (the day he told me) and I couldn't believe any of this was real or that he had actually told me the evening before. 

Why did he bother to tell me the truth that he is going out for drinks with her? 

He could have easily hidden or covered it up since he goes out for drinks with his works colleagues some evenings in London fairly often?? 

Was he just too excited? Does he get a kick out of seeing my reactions? 

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12 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

What you are doing is focusing on her actions instead of your bf's.  You are not in a relationship with her so stop trying to figure out her motives or plans because they do not matter.  What matters is his intentions, his honesty and his respect of you and the relationship.

  Does she have a bf?  Does it matter if she is willing to cheat on him?

  Did she move back to be with your bf?  It doesn't matter if he shuts her down and makes it clear he loves you and would never  do anything to hurt you or damage the relationship.

 You see this is his choice and this woman is not in control of his actions.

I know you want answers but the thing with cheaters is they lie and then lie some more to you and themselves.

At best he is acting extremely sketchy about this whole thing and is not taking your feelings into account even a little.

Now I am not clear on what happened between them all those years ago.  Did he cheat on you with her back then?

 Lost

Look, I don't know for sure if he cheated on her with me back then, but I wouldn't be at all surprised. Something seemed very wrong when he got back from Cambodia. Have you read the messages between them that I posted on here?  They are quite suggestive of something going on. 

There was another message where she asked my boyfriend if she could come to London and stay at our flat for the night and make a visit to 'the sex dungeon'. 

I would have been at our flat, so I don't know why she was asking this maybe she thought I had left when he tried to break up with me. 

I'm starting to realise that I'm in denial.... 

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2 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I'm starting to realise that I'm in denial.... 

And now you are seeing how much it hurts when stop sweeping the issues under the rug and start facing reality. 

 

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