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My boyfriend is going out for drinks with a girl he met at a hostel whilst backpacking in Cambodia 4 years ago..


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3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I didn't realize  you were dating him when he went to Cambodia.  You seem very passive in all this - resigned almost.  Why try to make a baby if you want marriage and he doesn't?  He doesn't if he's not proposing.  Be more adventurous -venture out there and make your own way instead of this dead end arrangement you have with him.

Yes, we have been living together/in a relationship for about 8 years. Before that we were friends for 2 years. 

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7 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Yes, we have been living together/in a relationship for about 8 years. Before that we were friends for 2 years. 

Your responses are so passive and evasive.  I asked more than once now why you are living together -whether you both have the same reasons for sharing physical space, the same goals, the same wavelength.  I never lived with anyone other than a few months when I was engaged, for practical reasons - my husband and I moved in together after marriage.  I see many reasons why people choose to share living space. 

I think you've checked out of this relationship in any meaningful way -you're coasting and your actions are focused on ferreting out even more reasons why you should not trust him since you already do not trust him and do not believe he is committed to you.

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11 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

My boyfriend has expressed concerns about our relationship recently and has told me that he doesn't feel fulfilled. 

 

4 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

He has said before that he could strangle her as she causes him so much grief. I know its not normal. I don't know if this is a contributing factor to the lack of sex. 

The neighbour being a pain isn't the reason he doesn't want sex. It's what I bolded above. 

You and he need to have a serious talk about what is going on. Leave Ms Cambodia out of the conversation  for the time being, and focus on the underlying problems between you and him. His interest in her is a symptom, not the source. 

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

 

The neighbour being a pain isn't the reason he doesn't want sex. It's what I bolded above. 

You and he need to have a serious talk about what is going on. Leave Ms Cambodia out of the conversation  for the time being, and focus on the underlying problems between you and him. His interest in her is a symptom, not the source. 

I agree with this. I think you're kind of in denial and want to think that your boyfriend's behaviours are actually other people's fault. Like the next door neighbour or the other girl. And you're trying to convince yourself so much of this that it's even far fetched. He doesn't want to have sex with you because he doesn't like the next door neighbour??! What does that have to do with it? Is your next door neighbour in your apartment watching you? Lol

I also want to point out that temptations and situations for someone to cheat are always there.  But if someone really loves their partner they just won't put themselves in these situations or at least they won't cheat.

For example, when my best friend met her husband, he already had a trip around Asia all fully paid for for five months. They'd only been together for four months and they decided he wouldn't cancel the trip and would still go. I think in some places he did stay in backpackers but he didn't cheat or take interest in any other women. He actually invited her to join him in India for some time as well so she saw him there. 

Then he got back and after about two years he proposed to her and a year later they got married. It was actually him that really wanted kids with her and they have two kids. They've now been together for 14 years.

The reason why your boyfriend has behaved like this is because he WANTED to. I'm very surprised that you were OK with their sexual messages and him trying to go on a trip with her four years ago and you just let it go. I mean, don't you think if the messages were sexual that maybe something physical actually happened between them in Cambodia? And why did he want you to go away to stay with your family? Obviously because he wanted to hook up with that girl. If she really was "just a friend" then why was he trying to get you to leave?

I agree, you were passive and were like: "Well this girl lives in Australia so she's in another country so doesn't matter". That girl could live on Mars and yes it should matter because the point isn't that she's not physically there but your boyfriend's actual behaviours and intentions. And it's not her you had to worry about but the fact that your boyfriend was clearly interested in another woman and probably wanted to cheat. OK, so that girl was in Australia but if he wanted to cheat then next time he could find someone in London.

Also being in a relationship is usually because you want to have some kind of future goals with that person in that relationship. If people don't want kids or marriage, that's absolutely fine, it's their choice. But in your case you do, right? 

When I was with my ex, he proposed to me after a year with a ring and everything and we had an engagement party and booked the wedding venue. I always wanted to get married and have kids so this aligned with my goals. If a number of years had gone by and he never proposed then I would have ended the relationship. There is no point wasting ten years on someone who's not sure about you and dragging their feet. There are a lot of people in this world to meet so why lock yourself in a dead end? 

 

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Your responses are so passive and evasive.  I asked more than once now why you are living together -whether you both have the same reasons for sharing physical space, the same goals, the same wavelength.  I never lived with anyone other than a few months when I was engaged, for practical reasons - my husband and I moved in together after marriage.  I see many reasons why people choose to share living space. 

I think you've checked out of this relationship in any meaningful way -you're coasting and your actions are focused on ferreting out even more reasons why you should not trust him since you already do not trust him and do not believe he is committed to you.

I'm sorry about my answers. I couldn't quite see the point to your question. It's a bit tricky for me to answer as we have been living together for so many years. 

I would like to think that we have the same goals. We both want to buy a house in the next year or two. We are both interested in having kids (I think this would also ideally be in the next year or two). I think we both want to get married, but I think we both agreed that we wanted a smaller, more intimate, simple wedding. 

I'm turning 30 years old in November and my boyfriend is turning 27 years old in August. 

I don't know if we are on the same wavelength about things to be honest. When things are good between us they're really good and I feel on top of the world with my boyfriend, but it fluctuates a lot. My boyfriend wants to move out of London to buy a house, whereas I really like living here and I honestly feel like I never want to leave this city. I can imagine having kids here and there been a lot for them to do, especially as they grow up. There are good schools all around us. We live in a lovely lovely area right on the edge of the city with transport links into the city, beautiful parks and access to countryside. What more could you want. 

 

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I agree with this. I think you're kind of in denial and want to think that your boyfriend's behaviours are actually other people's fault. Like the next door neighbour or the other girl. And you're trying to convince yourself so much of this that it's even far fetched. He doesn't want to have sex with you because he doesn't like the next door neighbour??! What does that have to do with it? Is your next door neighbour in your apartment watching you? Lol

I also want to point out that temptations and situations for someone to cheat are always there.  But if someone really loves their partner they just won't put themselves in these situations or at least they won't cheat.

For example, when my best friend met her husband, he already had a trip around Asia all fully paid for for five months. They'd only been together for four months and they decided he wouldn't cancel the trip and would still go. I think in some places he did stay in backpackers but he didn't cheat or take interest in any other women. He actually invited her to join him in India for some time as well so she saw him there. 

Then he got back and after about two years he proposed to her and a year later they got married. It was actually him that really wanted kids with her and they have two kids. They've now been together for 14 years.

The reason why your boyfriend has behaved like this is because he WANTED to. I'm very surprised that you were OK with their sexual messages and him trying to go on a trip with her four years ago and you just let it go. I mean, don't you think if the messages were sexual that maybe something physical actually happened between them in Cambodia? And why did he want you to go away to stay with your family? Obviously because he wanted to hook up with that girl. If she really was "just a friend" then why was he trying to get you to leave?

I agree, you were passive and were like: "Well this girl lives in Australia so she's in another country so doesn't matter". That girl could live on Mars and yes it should matter because the point isn't that she's not physically there but your boyfriend's actual behaviours and intentions. And it's not her you had to worry about but the fact that your boyfriend was clearly interested in another woman and probably wanted to cheat. OK, so that girl was in Australia but if he wanted to cheat then next time he could find someone in London.

Also being in a relationship is usually because you want to have some kind of future goals with that person in that relationship. If people don't want kids or marriage, that's absolutely fine, it's their choice. But in your case you do, right? 

When I was with my ex, he proposed to me after a year with a ring and everything and we had an engagement party and booked the wedding venue. I always wanted to get married and have kids so this aligned with my goals. If a number of years had gone by and he never proposed then I would have ended the relationship. There is no point wasting ten years on someone who's not sure about you and dragging their feet. There are a lot of people in this world to meet so why lock yourself in a dead end? 

 

Yes, I do want marriage and kids. I'm a bit resentful that we haven't even properly considered having our own child after so many years. It feels cruel. I'm worried that we are going to make things harder for ourselves if we keep on waiting. I'm nearly 30.

My boyfriend wants me to find a better paying job/career before he thinks we can consider having a child. I have a full time job but only make £19,000 per year. He would probably rather leave me. 

It pains me to write this but I had an abortion 3 years ago. I knew in my heart it was not what I wanted but my boyfriend was convinced it wouldnt be practical to have a child and I went along with it for him. I was scared and worried he wouldn't support the pregnancy and I felt rushed into it. He even phoned the abortion clinic for me whilst I was crying and curled up lying on the floor because I wasn't sure I wanted to do it. Maybe he didnt know this. 

I think about that life everyday. It has devastated me to the core. 

I hate that my life is such a mess. It is turning into an ongoing nightmare. I am running out of steam. 

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41 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

'm sorry about my answers. I couldn't quite see the point to your question. It's a bit tricky for me to answer as we have been living together for so many years. 

The fact that it seems tricky for you to answer is your answer.  What's tricky about two people wanting marriage and kids -the only tricky part is that you want it and he doesn't want it or want it as much and no one has proposed marriage or made plans other than sharing temporary living space since you 2 cannot even agree on that.  

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35 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Yes, I do want marriage and kids. I'm a bit resentful that we haven't even properly considered having our own child after so many years. It feels cruel. I'm worried that we are going to make things harder for ourselves if we keep on waiting. I'm nearly 30.

My boyfriend wants me to find a better paying job/career before he thinks we can consider having a child. I have a full time job but only make £19,000 per year. He would probably rather leave me. 

It pains me to write this but I had an abortion 3 years ago. I knew in my heart it was not what I wanted but my boyfriend was convinced it wouldnt be practical to have a child and I went along with it for him. I was scared and worried he wouldn't support the pregnancy and I felt rushed into it. He even phoned the abortion clinic for me whilst I was crying and curled up lying on the floor because I wasn't sure I wanted to do it. Maybe he didnt know this. 

I think about that life everyday. It has devastated me to the core. 

I hate that my life is such a mess. It is turning into an ongoing nightmare. I am running out of steam. 

I'm sorry -I read this after I responded.  It doesn't sound like you two want the same things and I'm so sorry you had an abortion when you were not sure you wanted one.  I wanted to wait to have a child until I was in a stable relationship at least -practically married -and I did but that meant I didn't start trying until I was almost 41 and luckily we got pregnant right before I was 42. 

But I never ever would have continued dating him, made future plans with him unless we were in love, enthusiastic about being together and trying for a family.  We were together (second time around as we'd dated in the past) for 1.5 years or so before we started trying and we got married about 1.5 years after that -not because I was pregnant but I was pregnant at our wedding.  

I hope you find someone who wants what you want and with you - it won't be tricky then.  I'm sorry about what you've been through.

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5 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

I'm sorry about my answers. I couldn't quite see the point to your question. It's a bit tricky for me to answer as we have been living together for so many years. 

I would like to think that we have the same goals. We both want to buy a house in the next year or two. We are both interested in having kids (I think this would also ideally be in the next year or two). I think we both want to get married, but I think we both agreed that we wanted a smaller, more intimate, simple wedding. 

I'm turning 30 years old in November and my boyfriend is turning 27 years old in August. 

I don't know if we are on the same wavelength about things to be honest. When things are good between us they're really good and I feel on top of the world with my boyfriend, but it fluctuates a lot. My boyfriend wants to move out of London to buy a house, whereas I really like living here and I honestly feel like I never want to leave this city. I can imagine having kids here and there been a lot for them to do, especially as they grow up. There are good schools all around us. We live in a lovely lovely area right on the edge of the city with transport links into the city, beautiful parks and access to countryside. What more could you want. 

 

I just see something with this post that really jumped out at me. You say that you and your boyfriend have the same goals. That he wants marriage and kids. What I'm going to say might sound cruel but I just want to be honest. Maybe he does supposedly have the marriage and kids goals, but I don't think he has them WITH YOU. I'm sorry.

How could he want kids with you if after you'd been together like seven years, you got pregnant. That was a perfect opportunity for him to have a child with you because you actually conceived a child and it was a "sign", in a way. Instead of being happy about it he pushed you to get an abortion and get rid of it. He couldn't have been on the phone to the abortion clinic fast enough. And he called them when you were lying on the floor crying. Which was not a good time??! Is it just me that sees something really wrong with this whole picture?

Now another three years go by, there is no mention of having kids or marriage or any other commitments. Instead he's just going to go out with some girl he met briefly four years ago. And he's more interested in her than you, his girlfriend of ten years. 

I really think it's time for you to say goodbye to your boyfriend. You won't get anything more or better from him than what he's always given because he doesn't WANT to give more. It's really just as simple as that.

You are not old, you are still young enough to have kids. Any second longer you spend with your boyfriend is wasting your precious time. Don't waste it.

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4 hours ago, DancingFool said:

OP, your life isn't a mess. You are still young enough to get the life that you want. BUT.....that does mean that you have to step out of your "comfort" zone and leave this relationship today. You should have dumped him 4 years ago when you found out he is cheating on you, should have dumped him 3 years ago when he told you to get an abortion, should have dumped him immediately he started to make excuses about money and how you are not good enough for him. End this right now. You NEEEEEEED to get mad and snap out of  this passive existence.

This may feel like a slap in the face, but he is the type of a loser who will waste your best years because it's convenient for him and then he will dump you once he is ready to move on to someone else. It's already happening right in your face as we speak.

This guy has been carrying a torch for this chic for 4 years and he just cold informed you that he is going on a date with her and you are too pathetic to raise a fuss of drop kick his arse out of your life. He is counting on you staying passive. BUT, if you think rolling over and turning a blind eye to this is going to lead you to what you want, you are wrong. He is already setting up to discard you - picking fights, telling you that he is not happy, no more sex, etc. He is already stepping away. The writing is on the wall. You need to get  your money and your life together and start working on an exit plan ASAP. Today. Right now. Don't wait until he tells you to get the eff out and throws you out.

Come on, wake up, get mad, get moving. Take care of yourself.

I’m slow clapping this….

 

Go girl. It’s YOUR time. ✌🏽

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OP, the more you write, the more obvious it is that this relationship is a mess on just about every level. 

This other woman he's got a crush on is not the main problem. You need to get real with yourself about why you're still with someone who so obviously does not want what you want from this relationship.

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What Dancingfool wrote is dead on. 

The house is on fire and you are in a daze trying to make a cup of tea, essentially. He's in the process of leaving and every day you let pass by without getting your mind set on the reality of the situation is more damages and loss to you. You have to tap into to the strength you do have in you and surprise yourself, you are capable of more than you know right now. 

This is a pretty big defining moment for you. What do you choose? Someone who let's life steamroll on you or will you take that bull by the horns and lead your life? 

 

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Your boyfriend knows you are passive enough to accept whatever he tells you. He's literally said he's taking another woman out for drinks. Not a pleasant daytime coffee, but alcoholic drinks where any inhibitions they have (unlikely) will be lowered and anything could happen. 

 

Telling you to your face that he is basically going on a date with someone else does not legitimise it. He wants to see if he can rekindle things with this girl, or at least get his rocks off with her, knowing you're there as his back-up. This is unacceptable and you need to be asking him to choose which he wants, because he can't have his cake and eat it. 

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9 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

I hate that my life is such a mess. It is turning into an ongoing nightmare. I am running out of steam. 

Move out. He is just stringing you along. Why waste any more of your precious time on someone like this?

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3 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Here is a story of a cheater.

 All of a sudden your partner is very nitpicky towards you (comparing you to her), then he doesn't seem interested in being intimate (it feels like cheating on her if he is intimate with you) which gets your radar up and you start paying close attention.  He seems secretive with his phone and one day tells you he doesn't feel fulfilled in the relationship (he is setting up the justification for a breakup) and then you fall right into his trap after he tells you he is meeting an "old friend" for drinks.  You get upset, words are exchanged and he tells you needs a break to think things over.

 This of course is not what is really going on.  He has been chatting this woman up for some time and now that she is back in town he wants to take her for a test drive to see if she is the better choice.

  If you leave her totally out of it and just look at your bf's actions (not his words) how do you feel about the state of the relationship? 8-10 years and no ring?  How many more...

 If you wait until you have enough money you will never have a child or get married because there will always be an excuse or reason.  Someone that says they want children and marriage don't sit around on their hands this long do they?

  This is a tough situation with very big choices to be made by you.  If what you want in your life has not happened and there is no plan for it to happen with this guy then how much longer are you willing to wait while he is out for drinks with an old flame?

 Lost

My boyfriend said that this woman contacted him to tell him that she is moving back. He made it sound like she is the one initiating it. Do you think it has been him all along? Pursuing her? .. 

Also, HE told me that she is going to be moving into a flat with her boyfriend who lives here. Does she really have a boyfriend here that she is moving in to a flat with after living in Australia for the past 3 years? If she does, they must have been doing a long distance relationship???? But then, she has the thought to contact my boyfriend after been reunited with her boyfriend here after they'd have been in a long distance relationship? Surely her own boyfriend would have his own friends for her to meet first???? What about her boyfriend???? Shouldn't she be going out for drinks with him and getting to know the city through him? I just don't understand, my mind is boggled. I'm assuming things here and could be wrong or misleaded. 

I've never known my boyfriend to lie or mislead me about things. I honestly thought he was saying it straight when he said she has a boyfriend but nothing is adding up. 

I think the drinks are happening next Wednesday, on Monday when my boyfriend told me and said Wednesday, I thought he meant Wednesday this week but it's actually next Wednesday. I forgot to mention this, but when my boyfriend told me. About an hour later, I brought the subject up again and I told my boyfriend that I might be interested in coming out for the drinks, I thought it was the Wednesday just gone so that made me feel even more impulsive. He actually said that yes I could if I wanted to but this was all that he said. He then went on to question why I wanted to come. I just told him that I felt like going up into London and having a night out as I hadn't in a long time. 

I don't know if my boyfriend knows or remembers that I know but I know this girls name, I know what she looks like, I've seen countless photos of her, I know where she is originally from. I think he thinks that I don't even have a recollection of who she is. When he told me that this 'friend' had been living in Australia all this time. I knew exactly who it was. 

If he's taking her 'for a test drive to see if she is a better choice'. That is dispicable I will never ever talk to him or give him the time of day again. I honestly feel like this woman is purposely moving back here to give my boyfriend a chance. I don't believe that she has a boyfriend. 

With regards to us been 'intimate' in bed, he only stopped initiating it in the past month. It feels very intentional. Its never happened before and it's very hurtful. We got back from a holiday about four weeks ago and it happened once and then all stopped. Did it all stop because my boyfriend is anticipating her arrival here?.. 

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These are some of the messages between him and that woman from when he got back from Cambodia, I saved them years ago. They were many many more but these are the only ones I managed to save. He tried to end things with me back then, but we ended stating together. 

............. 

her are you jetlagged?
him yeah a bit jet lagged but mostly tired.
him Much emotion in this London apartment
her I bet is a bit awkward
him Very. It all feels a bit alien and it's almost tempting to back out of my decision seeing the sadness it's brought
him I guess all that's needed is time.
her I mean only you know what is right for you
her maybe you should go to another sex party ��
him Sage advice


her You ever do mindfulness meditation? I've been following this yoga series for the past week and it feels very similar to that. Kinda nice
him ooh I do actually but only when I am super stressed
her I usually do the plant one
him but open to all!
him Oh haven't heard of the plant one
him I'll do a Google
him Colouring?
him Sounds chill ��
her no just like you have to get a plant and then you have to think about it like the leaves the roots etc and then you touch the plant
her (not sexually)
her and it's really relaxing
her actually I love it
her You know how we were talking about nerdy stuff
her I think this classifies
her And I love it
him Hahahaha
him I'll have to get in on this with mr cactua
her what the **** is that ��
him Cactus even
her don't touch him haha
her he will not like it ��
him His ***ly bits are actually soft
her you still need a condom
him Don't take this out of context plz

 

........... 

 

Don't you agree that she is making everything sexual?? 

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13 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

 I thought he meant Wednesday this week but it's actually next Wednesday

Start packing and be gone when he gets back. The sooner you leave, the sooner your hopes of marriage family and a respectful mature man can come true.

You can't turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. You've wasted 8 years trying. Google "sunk cost fallacy". You're going on and on and on about every detail about her, cambodia, their trip, freaking out snooping through his phone,  etc.

She is not the problem. Your BF is a snake. It's that simple, but that's much harder for you to digest. 

She didn't make you have an abortion. She isn't just coasting along stringing you along. 

Stop blaming her. It's easier and keeps you in denial of the ugly truth that your BF is immature and insincere, but that's like ignoring a cancer.

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50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Start packing and be gone when he gets back. The sooner you leave, the sooner your hopes of marriage family and a respectful mature man can come true.

You can't turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. You've wasted 8 years trying. Google "sunk cost fallacy". You're going on and on and on about every detail about her, cambodia, their trip, freaking out snooping through his phone,  etc.

She is not the problem. Your BF is a snake. It's that simple, but that's much harder for you to digest. 

She didn't make you have an abortion. She isn't just coasting along stringing you along. 

Stop blaming her. It's easier and keeps you in denial of the ugly truth that your BF is immature and insincere, but that's like ignoring a cancer.

Did you read their messages? 

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37 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Did you read their messages? 

It was FOUR YEARS ago. You didn't leave then, and chose to waste yet another 4 years. Why? The situation remains the same. You're obsessing over her to avoid the real problems with him.

Focusing on their texts from years ago is like calling a melanoma a freckle. He is the problem on many many levels. This date they're going on is just another symptom of that.

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It doesn't matter who pursued who -that's part of your checking out/I'll pretend it's ok and keep saying "but we live together for many many years!!!"  A few weeks ago a handsome looking guy friended me on Facebook - and we have a lot of mutual friends in the community it seems.  And he says on the profile he is engaged and lists her name.  I messaged him "hi - do we know each other? I see you are new on Facebook and we have mutual friends" - he replied evasively and maybe with a "how are you" kind of thing.  I wrote back (in case we knew each other professionally or I knew his fiance professionally) something along the lines of I only friend men who I know or my husband knows and otherwise it's ok if he wants to connect on LinkedIn.  He replies with "hi".  Then I blocked him.  (No he didn't contact me on Linkedin, no I wouldn't have accepted that either at that point). 

So it takes two.  I stood my ground, gave him a chance to be legit, and didn't go with his invitation to chat and throw caution to the wind.  Simple, done, direct. None of this wondering or game playing (yes I mentioned to my husband).  My husband doesn't wonder about me or snoop in my phone and I don't wonder about him or snoop.  I never look at any of his devices unless he asks me to or I walk by his computer and see what looks like an important work email pop up -then I might tell him to check up on it.  The end.  Why settle for stomach churning distrust/evasiveness???

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5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It doesn't matter who pursued who -that's part of your checking out/I'll pretend it's ok and keep saying "but we live together for many many years!!!"  A few weeks ago a handsome looking guy friended me on Facebook - and we have a lot of mutual friends in the community it seems.  And he says on the profile he is engaged and lists her name.  I messaged him "hi - do we know each other? I see you are new on Facebook and we have mutual friends" - he replied evasively and maybe with a "how are you" kind of thing.  I wrote back (in case we knew each other professionally or I knew his fiance professionally) something along the lines of I only friend men who I know or my husband knows and otherwise it's ok if he wants to connect on LinkedIn.  He replies with "hi".  Then I blocked him.  (No he didn't contact me on Linkedin, no I wouldn't have accepted that either at that point). 

So it takes two.  I stood my ground, gave him a chance to be legit, and didn't go with his invitation to chat and throw caution to the wind.  Simple, done, direct. None of this wondering or game playing (yes I mentioned to my husband).  My husband doesn't wonder about me or snoop in my phone and I don't wonder about him or snoop.  I never look at any of his devices unless he asks me to or I walk by his computer and see what looks like an important work email pop up -then I might tell him to check up on it.  The end.  Why settle for stomach churning distrust/evasiveness???

Did you read their messages? 

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9 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Did you read their messages? 

Yes.  Your responses continue to be evasive and/or passive - and trying to deflect and rely on past garbage.  what about the present?

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16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes.  Your responses continue to be evasive and/or passive - and trying to deflect and rely on past garbage.  what about the present?

Well do you think their messages implied anything? 

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