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My boyfriend is going out for drinks with a girl he met at a hostel whilst backpacking in Cambodia 4 years ago..


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On Monday, my boyfriend told he that a girl he met 4 years ago at a hostel when he was backpacking in cambodia is moving to London from Australia and that she has found a job in London. Me and my boyfriend both live in London. This girl has been living in Australia for the past 3-4 years, but she is originally from England and moved to Australia when she had finished backpacking. 

My boyfriend said that she messaged him on Instagram and they are now going out for drinks at a bar next Wednesday. His words to me yesterday were "just so you know we're going out for drinks".

They are going out for drinks alone at bar next Wednesday. My boyfriend will be travelling into London to meet her after work. 

I have a feeling that something went on with them in Cambodia as I read some messages on my boyfriends computer between them and some of them had sexual references. She also came back to England for Christmas 3 years ago to visit her family and she messaged my boyfriend asking if she could come and stay with him in London at our flat and make a visit to the "sex dungeon". I don't know if this was just a joke or what. She never did since I was living with my boyfriend and would have been there. I don't know what she was thinking. At this time, they also tried to book a weekend trip away together to the lake district. At the time, my boyfriend told me that he was looking to go away with a friend, but he knew I knew it was her. He never went through with it since I found out. She tried to book an Airbnb apartment and told my boyfriend she would pick him up at the train station with her car. My boyfriend was been devious and leading up to the weekend they had planned, he kept on asking me if I had any plans to go and visit and stay with my family and he was suggesting that it might be a nice idea. I knew at the time it was because he wanted me out of the way so he could do something with her. In one of the messages, I remember my boyfriend messaged her "Good morning sunshine" which is what he would always say to me.  Again, I read these messages over four years ago and I can't exactly remember them word for word, but they carried on messaging after he got back from Cambodia and I maybe they've carried on all this time. My boyfriend also liked and commented on many of her Instagram photos (it was more than 40 photos in total). One of them was a nude still life of her.

Again, this was four years ago so I've let it go now. I had forgotten about her to be honest. But to now hear she's moving back to England and to London, where we live. It's brought everything back. 

I was not happy when my boyfriend told me about them meeting up on Monday and he picked up on it. My boyfriend said that I shouldn't worry as she has a boyfriend and is going to be moving in with him. But I find this is a bit questionable since she's been living in Australia for over 3 years now. Is this true? He also said I shouldn't worry since me and him are practically married after all of this time(we've been in a relationship for over 10 years but have never gotten engaged/married). He said that he is just catching up with a friend. 

I am raging. I don't know if its justified but I am raging about this. 

I don't understand why this woman has made an effort to contact him  after 4 years, especially as she's going to be moving in with her own boyfriend and starting a new job here. Hasn't she got enough going on?  Why is my boyfriend on her mind after so much time? Have they still been messaging? 

There are some other issues that are not helping ease my concerns. My boyfriend has expressed concerns about our relationship recently and has told me that he doesn't feel fulfilled. I think she has sparked them. He has also been  quite moody/agitated recently and he is doing a lot of nitpicking. I quite honestly feel like something is playing on his mind. He spends a lot of time on his phone. I've noticed him quickly switch whatever he's doing on his phone screen when I go close. We also haven't had sex in over 3 weeks now. He has stopped initiating anything. I honestly thought it was because he had terrible hay-fever or because it was too warm in bed at night since it's now the summer. 

 

 

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Given the questionable history between them and you boyfriend’s shady behaviour towards her,I would absolutely not be okay with this. 

Add that to the fact that he’s recently been expressing doubts about your relationship and distancing himself from you…and you’ve got a big problem here. 

You two need to have a serious talk about the future of your relationship. I would also be very clear that him going to see her crosses a boundary for you and you will not stick around for that. His choice will tell you everything you need to know. 

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1 hour ago, Hhbgff said:

  said that I shouldn't worry as she has a boyfriend and is going to be moving in with him. 

Why can't the 4 of you all go out? There seems to be a lot of discord in your relationship in general, including the remark that living together is like being married which is sidestepping nonsense as it doesn't relate to their one-on-one date, excluding you.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why can't the 4 of you all go out? There seems to be a lot of discord in your relationship in general, including the remark that living together is like being married which is sidestepping nonsense as it doesn't relate to their one-on-one date, excluding you.

I don't understand, why hasn't she invited her boyfriend along? If she is moving all the way from Australia to London to move in with him. It is really so fishy. What is she playing at? What is my boyfriend playing at? 

Why couldn't we all do something on the weekend? 

To be honest, I wouldn't want to go anywhere near her knowing that she had tried to pursue my boyfriend in the past and their past history. I don't know for sure if anything happened, but it's all just SO fishy, don't you agree? I can't see myself meeting her in person. I would be furious with her. She is not to be trusted. This has brought up so many emotions from years ago. It is unbearable. I feel so on-edge now. 

Also, I was the one that said to my boyfriend that we are practically a married couple after living together so long, a few weekends back. These were my words and he is just repeating them back. 

 

Edited by Hhbgff
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Posted (edited)
8 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

She is not to be trusted.

Your BF is the one arranging a one-on-one, excluding you. He is the one not to trust.  Talk to him. Suggest the three or four of you all go out together and it's inappropriate to go on a date with her. Tell him the "her BF..." story is irrelevant. When your BF seeks to keep you a secret, it's not good news.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Is it one on one because they want to catch up and you'd be left out? How about a compromise - they meet for an hour and then you -and her boyfriend- join for a meal? I mean if she is moving here wouldn't your bf want you to get to know her and wouldn't he want to meet her partner? I totally get the wanting to catch up with an old friend one on one -and if it was just platonic and/or no feelings left over that's fine - but then you should have the opportunity to meet up with her.

My husband met up with his ex girlfriend I think after we were married or at least engaged? They remained colleagues professionally and had some professional contact -mostly indirect like being at the same large work event - and he wanted to keep things civil.  She was seriously involved with someone else and he was visiting her city on business so no opportunity for me to be included.  I was fine with it because I trust him.  Turns out I was totally right to trust him.  Also she knew allllll about me.  Does this woman know all about you?

I think your underlying issues are the real issue here for you -you are starting not to trust him.  I'm sorry!

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9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your BF is the one arranging a one-on-one, excluding you. He is the one not to trust.  Talk to him. Suggest the three or four of you all go out together and it's inappropriate to go on a date with her. Tell him the "her BF..." story is irrelevant. When your BF seeks to keep you a secret, it's not good news.

She knows about me. She knew he had a girlfriend four years ago. He mentioned me in some of the messages he sent her. 

I don't know who has arranged the one-on-one, but my boyfriend told me that she was the one that messaged him on Instagram to tell him that she had found a job here and was moving here from Australia. She was the one that initiated it, I'm guessing. 

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22 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Also, I was the one that said to my boyfriend that we are practically a married couple after living together so long, a few weekends back. These were my words and he is just repeating them back. 

Why do you live together -do you two have the same reasons, the same plans? It's not like a married couple just because you live together so long.  Sharing physical space is a big part of marriage for most people but it's actually not the part that defines the emotional and marital commitment.  Do you want marriage? Does he? 

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4 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I don't know who has arranged the one-on-one, I'm guessing. 

Doesn't matter. Talk to him and suggest all three or four of you go out. Don't demonize her when your BF is the problem. You'll solve the issue better that way rather than him claiming/you believing she's driving the whole thing (never true).

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Posted (edited)
36 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Is it one on one because they want to catch up and you'd be left out? How about a compromise - they meet for an hour and then you -and her boyfriend- join for a meal? I mean if she is moving here wouldn't your bf want you to get to know her and wouldn't he want to meet her partner? I totally get the wanting to catch up with an old friend one on one -and if it was just platonic and/or no feelings left over that's fine - but then you should have the opportunity to meet up with her.

My husband met up with his ex girlfriend I think after we were married or at least engaged? They remained colleagues professionally and had some professional contact -mostly indirect like being at the same large work event - and he wanted to keep things civil.  She was seriously involved with someone else and he was visiting her city on business so no opportunity for me to be included.  I was fine with it because I trust him.  Turns out I was totally right to trust him.  Also she knew allllll about me.  Does this woman know all about you?

I think your underlying issues are the real issue here for you -you are starting not to trust him.  I'm sorry!

No there was no mention of me going or been invited along to this, ever or her boyfriend. My boyfriend told me that an old friend he met backpacking in Cambodia had messaged him on Instagram to say that she was moving to London all the way from Australia and that she had found herself a job here. All my boyfriend said after that was "just so you know we're going out for drinks".  I think he thinks that I have forgotten or don't know who she is.

I'm sorry catch up on what exactly???????.. They met at a hostel in Cambodia four years ago now and haven't seen each other since. My boyfriend was only in Cambodia for 30 days, but I think he met her towards the middle-end of his trip and he was travelling around a lot anyway, taking planes and coaches, I doubt they stayed together for very long. Maybe a few days or a week at most. What is there to catch up on after four years? My mind is boggling, is yours?.. 

They must have still been keeping in touch and maybe that's why they feel they need to catch up now. 

This woman knew about me four years ago, for sure. I read some of my boyfriends messages to her when he mentioned me. I don't know if she knows we're still in a relationship, what my boyfriend has told her but why should that matter if she has a boyfriend here already?.. 

They have also arranged this whole thing more than 9 days in advance. 

Edited by Hhbgff
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I would not like it at all if he was not completely open about how he knew her.  I mentioned catching up because I'm particularly sensitive to dynamics -I like one on one in depth conversations and sometimes having someone else there really hampers that.  I have met up with men one on one including after we were married -I think the one person I did so with twice (never dated him, nothing like that - he visits our city for family events) I'm almost positive I invited my husband along and he couldn't go but he was 100% fine with me going and in fact this guy now helps us with IT matters.   It's about trust.  Transparency. 

We tell each other basically everything about our plans - I mean not details when it's a business plan -I don't care which woman he's having a business lunch with - but I don't feel like I am left in the dark with any intention on his part to conceal anything.  And that is true for example were he to meet up with someone he knew I didn't care for (can't think of anyone in particular but you know)

There should be a sense of underlying trust, comfort, and the right level of openness - not where one person feels a heavy sense of obligation to check in.  Heavy - because there's compromise - if one person tends to need more info the other person might compromise and be accommodating - it's not rocket science or set in stone because it most often just comes naturally when you know and trust each other.

I agree this is not adding up so well.

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would not like it at all if he was not completely open about how he knew her.  I mentioned catching up because I'm particularly sensitive to dynamics -I like one on one in depth conversations and sometimes having someone else there really hampers that.  I have met up with men one on one including after we were married -I think the one person I did so with twice (never dated him, nothing like that - he visits our city for family events) I'm almost positive I invited my husband along and he couldn't go but he was 100% fine with me going and in fact this guy now helps us with IT matters.   It's about trust.  Transparency. 

We tell each other basically everything about our plans - I mean not details when it's a business plan -I don't care which woman he's having a business lunch with - but I don't feel like I am left in the dark with any intention on his part to conceal anything.  And that is true for example were he to meet up with someone he knew I didn't care for (can't think of anyone in particular but you know)

There should be a sense of underlying trust, comfort, and the right level of openness - not where one person feels a heavy sense of obligation to check in.  Heavy - because there's compromise - if one person tends to need more info the other person might compromise and be accommodating - it's not rocket science or set in stone because it most often just comes naturally when you know and trust each other.

I agree this is not adding up so well.

Also, he's stopped showing any interest in having sex with me now, which has never happened before and it feels so eerie and weird. It's been at least three weeks. It's never gone on this long. 

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Posted (edited)
16 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Also, he's stopped showing any interest in having sex with me now, which has never happened before and it feels so eerie and weird. It's been at least three weeks. It's never gone on this long. 

Have you initated? Also why do you live together?

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16 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

he's stopped showing any interest in having sex with me now, which has never happened before and it feels so eerie and weird. It's been at least three weeks. It's never gone on this long. 

Are there other conflicts going on besides this friend visiting? Do you have a feeling he has a thing for her?

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Posted (edited)
51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are there other conflicts going on besides this friend visiting? Do you have a feeling he has a thing for her?

I don't how if he has a thing for her, but he could well do. Something is telling me this is not right. I think they did have some sort of connection/spark in Cambodia, yes maybe. He liked so many of her Instagram photos including a nude drawing of her. I have read their messages when my boyfriend accidentally left him computer on. He carried on messaging her for months afterwards too as I caught him on his phone. He said things to her like 'good morning sunshine' and he even mentioned 'escaping' from  me to go and stay with her in Australia. I think he implied to her that I wasn't adventurous/interesting enough for him. She encouraged him to leave me. I don't know if you've read through all of my first post, but she also asked if she could come and visit him at the 'sex dungeon' aka mine and his flat. There were other sexual references in their messages. 

I honestly thought he was infatuated with me. We would be sitting on the sofa together and he would say things like "my lovely girl" and give me a back rub or stroke my hair. He would also always compliment me. He had a photo of me as his phone background. He would rush downstairs to greet me as soon as I got home from work and would come outside to kiss me every morning before I left. There were lots of things that made me feel this way. However, this hasn't lasted. 

Edited by Hhbgff
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Posted (edited)
42 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I don't how if he has a thing for her, but he could well do. Something is telling me this is not right. I think they did have some sort of connection/spark in Cambodia, yes maybe. He liked so many of her Instagram photos including a nude drawing of her. I have read their messages when my boyfriend accidentally left him computer on. He carried on messaging her for months afterwards too as I caught him on his phone. He said things to her like 'good morning sunshine' and he even mentioned 'escaping' from  me to go and stay with her in Australia. I think he implied to her that I wasn't adventurous/interesting enough for him. She encouraged him to leave me. I don't know if you've read through all of my first post, but she also asked if she could come and visit him at the 'sex dungeon' aka mine and his flat. There were other sexual references in their messages. 

I honestly thought he was infatuated with me. We would be sitting on the sofa together and he would say things like "my lovely girl" and give me a back rub or stroke my hair. He would also always compliment me. He had a photo of me as his phone background. He would rush downstairs to greet me as soon as I got home from work and would come outside to kiss me every morning before I left. There were lots of things that made me feel this way. However, this hasn't lasted. 

So you only just read these messages and found all this out now? Or you knew about all this four years ago? I know it really hurts to end a relationship of ten years but I think the writing is really on the wall here. He doesn't seem that invested in you or your relationship. 

Four years ago you'd already been together for six years. He never proposed to you or discussed your future together, right? Then he decides to go to Cambodia for a month without you. Where he's staying in a hostel, where as we all know there are a lot of attractive foreign people and lots of party and hookup culture. Very clearly he became interested and invested in this girl. He kept messaging her afterwards and wanted to go away on a trip with her, even though he actually had you, his girlfriend. If he was really in love with you then why would he need some girl he knew only briefly, who at the time actually lived on another continent? 

The main thing here isn't even the girl but that after ten years he hasn't settled down with you. Now he's not even interested in having sex with you. You are selling yourself short, very short! I think this guy has had one foot out of your relationship for a long time and you've put up with it. You can do much better.

Edited by Tinydance
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You do know its OK not to be OK with stuff like that?

He wants to take his "African fling" for a drink. You know they have probably been sexual and that there is a sexual inuendo between them. While you were together. You read the messages(breach of trust from your side but OK). And you allow him to do that? Are you asking to be cheated? Because that sure is a way to do so.

You should raise Hell. He should know that if he even thinks to go to drinks with her 1on1 that he is sleeping on the street with his stuff ceremoniously burned off. That kind of Hell. Instead of that, he just tells you that he is going out for a drinks with her and you are OK but raging inside? No girl. Feel free to express that he shouldnt do what he does. And that if he wants to do that, he can sleep on the street. At least there he wont be "too warm to have sex" like he is in you bad lately lol

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

So you only just read these messages and found all this out now? Or you knew about all this four years ago? I know it really hurts to end a relationship of ten years but I think the writing is really on the wall here. He doesn't seem that invested in you or your relationship. 

Four years ago you'd already been together for six years. He never proposed to you or discussed your future together, right? Then he decides to go to Cambodia for a month without you. Where he's staying in a hostel, where as we all know there are a lot of attractive foreign people and lots of party and hookup culture. Very clearly he became interested and invested in this girl. He kept messaging her afterwards and wanted to go away on a trip with her, even though he actually had you, his girlfriend. If he was really in love with you then why would he need some girl he knew only briefly, who at the time actually lived on another continent? 

The main thing here isn't even the girl but that after ten years he hasn't settled down with you. Now he's not even interested in having sex with you. You are selling yourself short, very short! I think this guy has had one foot out of your relationship for a long time and you've put up with it. You can do much better.

No, I read the messages four years ago after he got back from Cambodia and I found it about it all then. I'd put this girl out of mind as she had moved to Australia at the end of her backpacking trip and was working over there all of this time. 

I'm guessing they've been keeping in touch all of this time? 

It was his idea to go to Cambodia. He did invite me along at the time, but I said no. I wish I didn't. I wasn't feeling very adventurous and I was in the middle of working at a new job and wanted to keep the work. 

He has never proposed to me, no. There was a time when his friend was getting married and he started getting excited for us and started mentioning that he wanted the same for us. I think that was last year I think. We also thinking about buying and house and he's told me that he's starting to think about having kids and is coming round to the idea after so many years of waiting. We haven't been trying, but still waiting. He has been talking about us having kids a lot in the past year.

But I don't know it feels like the love, spark and enthusiasm has gone.. 

We've also been having some problems with our next door neighbour (well mostly him since he works from home) and he is desperate for us to move. He has said before that he could strangle her as she causes him so much grief. I know its not normal. I don't know if this is a contributing factor to the lack of sex. 

I feel dead and hopeless inside now. I've lost so much confidence. 

Edited by Hhbgff
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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Hhbgff said:

he even mentioned 'escaping' from  me to go and stay with her in Australia. I think he implied to her that I wasn't adventurous/interesting enough for him. She encouraged him to leave me. she also asked if she could come and visit him at the 'sex dungeon' aka mine and his flat. There were other sexual references in their messages. 

Clearly he should not be sexting this woman. As far the the honeymoon phases wearing off, that happens when you live together this long. Does he know you know about the sexting and him texting her about "escaping" from you? If he is having an emotional affair, you need to kick him out.

Edited by Wiseman2
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I didn't realize  you were dating him when he went to Cambodia.  You seem very passive in all this - resigned almost.  Why try to make a baby if you want marriage and he doesn't?  He doesn't if he's not proposing.  Be more adventurous -venture out there and make your own way instead of this dead end arrangement you have with him.

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Here goes another "just a friend" story, classic, and an old one at that. I'm sorry but he's looking for a way out while he attempts to keep you unfairly in  line.

It seems he feels you're at his mercy.  I'd prove him wrong by standing up for myself and walking away.  How could you ever trust him again?  It's sad that he's lost any respect he's ever had for you, and your chances of making it long term are slim to none, (imo).

Respect yourself, and understand that you deserve better.

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