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Am I asking too much? Just a middle age divorced lady wanting a true opinion from a man 40's or older. I'm in a relationship,kinda, but he's moved out because I felt like we want 2 different things. Am I asking too much? Am I being rediculous? Please tell me if I am.


I want a man that's gonna be my 100 and I be his 100. Someone faithful completely, wouldn't do it unless they'd do it in front of me, as I would be the same. Open, honest, committed to us.

I want someone who's end goal is a spouse or at least as committed as one, if not legal, and who shows this openly. I want my better half, my other piece, the one that completes me. I want to do certain things in a relationship, yes, the womanly things to an extent and I expect my 100 to gladly do what I either cannot or prefer not to do, such as the manly things in a relationship. I want to do the cooking, cleaning, household shopping, paperwork fixing, laundry tending, pet care, child care if they've not out grown that and maybe some day grandchild care. I want a man to be the breadwinner, home and vehicle fixer and maintainer. Back to the 1950s I guess but that's what I want. And I know there are others wanting the same, and many even have the same.

I guess all financially I can contribute is $850 a month (medically disabled) toward COUPLE expenses.

Rent $425
Untilities $40 - $180
Phones $0-$50
Groceries $200
Household supplies $50
Cats $50
Gas $200
Dinners out/date nights $?
Vehicle repairs & upgrades $?
Pocket $ and savings $?

$850 a month won't quite cut it but even 2 people at $850x2 can handle this no problem, with extra money leftover for the extras. A stand-alone budget where 2 people pitch in is fair.

$850 alone and it's a struggle but with 2 people in a relationship, it shouldn't be. $850 is all I make, he makes $1,500 a month. Kids grown

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You're entitled to want whatever you want from a relationship. The key is to find a partner who wants to same things, shares your outlook.

You've shared very little about what led your maybe-boyfriend to move out. Did he have a different set of expectations from the relationship?

I ask in part because, in this day and age, at least as well as I understand the rough financials of the world,  $1500 a month is not going to allow most anyone to be a breadwinner in any traditional sense, so you may be asking too much from this specific human being.   

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Posted (edited)

Yes you probably are.  It's rare these days for a 40 year old man to want to be with a woman whose goal is to be a housewife and can only contribute $850/month to household expenses.  Different if the couple has small children/child and the wife is the main caregiver working full time in the home to take care of the child.  That saves a lot on daycare and sitters/nannies and often is really good for the child.  

A man who would want that is more likely to have other very traditional attitudes that won't include treating you as an equal partner.  In the 1950s many women could not get jobs that would be worth the $ and weren't as educated as now -less opportunity - so unless you could be a teacher or executive secretary it often made more sense for the woman to be a housewife than work for a pittance and be subject to a male dominated work environment.  Now women have many opportunities to get educated and make $ so it's far more rare for the woman to be a stay at home housewife.  

My husband and I are in our mid 50s, married in our 40s, I was home the first 7 years with our son and contributed to household expenses with the $ I'd saved 15 years previous to marrying by working more than full time in an intense career.

Why should a boyfriend share his earnings with you?

Edited by Batya33
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It sounds like you're looking for financial help as your top priority, and a relationship as a means to get that.  I think if you weren't on disability and/or had a higher income, your focus would be different.

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19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes you probably are.  It's rare these days for a 40 year old man to want to be with a woman whose goal is to be a housewife and can only contribute $850/month to household expenses.  Different if the couple has small children/child and the wife is the main caregiver working full time in the home to take care of the child.  That saves a lot on daycare and sitters/nannies and often is really good for the child.  

A man who would want that is more likely to have other very traditional attitudes that won't include treating you as an equal partner.  In the 1950s many women could not get jobs that would be worth the $ and weren't as educated as now -less opportunity - so unless you could be a teacher or executive secretary it often made more sense for the woman to be a housewife than work for a pittance and be subject to a male dominated work environment.  Now women have many opportunities to get educated and make $ so it's far more rare for the woman to be a stay at home housewife.  

My husband and I are in our mid 50s, married in our 40s, I was home the first 7 years with our son and contributed to household expenses with the $ I'd saved 15 years previous to marrying by working more than full time in an intense career.

Why should a boyfriend share his earnings with you?

Not necessarily share income with me but if he lays his head here every night, put in 50 percent of bills. I shouldn't be struggling and him not paying half when he has the means to. We live in a poor area. $2k a month is living good. 

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Yes, you're asking too much. 

What can you bring to the table? 

High quality, very moral men want an educated woman with a career and who is financially strong and INDEPENDENT. 

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If you’re asking if what you want is somehow aberrant or outrageous, no it doesn’t sound that way to me at all. But all people desire certain things from a romantic relationship. The trick is finding it. In this regard it makes you no different from most anyone else. It’s very common. You shouldn’t feel uncertain or weird about wanting what you want. As to whether the man you mentioned is compatible enough with you to meet those wants, that’s a part of the story that you haven’t provided enough information about for me to be able to answer. 

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People can ask for a lot of stuff. What they can get is entirely different deal. 

Not to cheat is not really that huge of a demand. Unless you are in an open relationship, that demand is something that should be minimal requirement. However, you are asking somebody to sustain you financially. While there are a relationships where you can find that, you cant work, are on disability check(I am guessing from "medically disabled), and expecting from a guy to pay for his half and everything else including dinner dates. Which I guess its possible but not many people would accept somebody on disability(you didnt said which kind but still), let alone pay for everything. Again, its possible, my friends sister doesnt earn much and she always finds some guy to funds her travels and everything else. But she is beautiful so she has that going on for her. But you would have to have at least something to offer. Because as you described, very rarely you could even find somebody who would, just from a goodness of their heart, accept somebody on dissability and take care of them. For example you mentioned kids. That would be just more financial burden if we are looking at them through that prism. You would need way more then 2000 a month for that.

You have to able to sustain yourself. In any way possible, medically and financially. Guy is just somebody who would come along. To accept you as you are and make a life with you.

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Posted (edited)

Have you tried therapy? Are you with someone unfaithful who doesn’t share these similar values or outlook?

The strong desire for a “100” also suggests that there’s no room for humanity or error in this perfect person. And if one or two traits aren’t there in all you ask is he not acceptable? 

There’s nothing wrong with exploring what you want in a partner or relationship. But I’d leave room to meet wonderful people who come with their own talents and skills. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, dd7 said:

Not necessarily share income with me but if he lays his head here every night, put in 50 percent of bills. I shouldn't be struggling and him not paying half when he has the means to. We live in a poor area. $2k a month is living good. 

How about if you were to move in with him? Would you think it reasonable if he expected you to pay 50% of the bills? Why would it be any different? 

You're after an easier life where you benefit from someone else's income. I don't think many men these days are going to be interested in that. Even if you get what you want, you put yourself in a very vulnerable position. 

Edited by poorlittlefish
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8 hours ago, dd7 said:

 if he lays his head here every night, put in 50 percent of bills. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he? Having a man camp out at your place is not "like the 1950s"

You seem unhappy with him. You can't really ask anyone for money.

What you can do is stop letting him sleep over. What's wrong with his place? Why aren't you equally spending time there?

Stop cooking cleaning feeding and being a free BnB for him. That's your only leverage.

Unless he is a roommate or tenant he does not have to pay "50% of the bills". 

If you want a husband who supports you while you're a housewife, you'll have to find a marriage minded man who shares those values.

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10 hours ago, dd7 said:

Not necessarily share income with me but if he lays his head here every night, put in 50 percent of bills. I shouldn't be struggling and him not paying half when he has the means to. We live in a poor area. $2k a month is living good. 

Like Wiseman said -that's not 1950s. That's sharing living space with a boyfriend.  My friend wants to be a 1950s housewife. She married in her 40s -man in his 40s -very traditional .He had a good business except oops he defrauded people.  Bye bye business.  Hello legal bills.  And oops because he was so traditional he figures it's ok to talk down to her and worse while she does the housework.  She worked when they got married but not enough to get buy on her own (her parents had paid her way in a fancy building in the city for years- she worked for her family business).  Now she works in a group home and often does the overnight shift.  He has a foul mouth and a short temper.  Lovely how tradition works.

My friend was a SAHM to 4 kids -married young, had a grad degree.  Divorced after 20 years still with two teenagers in the home. She had no marketable skills and her grad degree didn't help because she had a medical condition and could not be a classroom teacher, or work in an office.  So she had to retrain in another area which she did but 15 years later she still struggles financially.  No real savings.  Scary.  

My mom had a traditional marriage -married in the 50s, marriage ended with my dad's passing over 60 years later, worked part time starting 15 years after marriage when I entered elementary school.  College educated.  My dad was an awesome provider, extremely hard working and we lived simply relatively speaking.  Luckily they saved smartly so in her late 80s in good health she's doing fine financially -but that was then - and this is now.  I wouldn't go down this path if I were you.  

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Look I hate to be blunt but basically if you can't really contribute financially to a relationship and you want the man to pay for everything, you have to be hot/beautiful and in most cases young. If you're an average looking 40-year-old woman , I hate to say it but your prospects of being a "trophy" wife are pretty slim lol

If you want a man to pay for everything for you and you want him to be very traditional like in the 1950's, I don't think you would find that in a 40-year-old man. I think the man would have to be more like 60+ and enjoy paying for everything for you because he was able to get a much younger woman.

This 100%^^ is the only way for you to get to your goal. You have to be exceptionally hot looking or locate a man that is 20 years older. An older man would be looking for someone more traditional, to take care of him. 

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8 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

How about if you were to move in with him? Would you think it reasonable if he expected you to pay 50% of the bills? Why would it be any different? 

You're after an easier life where you benefit from someone else's income. I don't think many men these days are going to be interested in that. Even if you get what you want, you put yourself in a very vulnerable position. 

If I were to move in with him, I would expect to pay half the bills, to the ability of my income. We're only renting do not like someone is gaining equity or anything. 

But the statement even if I get what I want,I put myself in a very vulnerable position....I've not thought of it that way. But that's very true. And I never want to be in a vulnerable position, stuck unable to leave, over finances. So maybe I'd be better off single and living alone. 

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1 hour ago, dd7 said:

If I were to move in with him, I would expect to pay half the bills, to the ability of my income. We're only renting do not like someone is gaining equity or anything. 

But the statement even if I get what I want,I put myself in a very vulnerable position....I've not thought of it that way. But that's very true. And I never want to be in a vulnerable position, stuck unable to leave, over finances. So maybe I'd be better off single and living alone. 

I agree- and why should you only contribute what you can rather than choosing a place to live where you can contribute half -I mean if the guy wants fancier digs then he'd have to understand you can't contribute half but -yes -your way of thinking doesn't make much practical sense for a number of reasons. 

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Posted (edited)
17 hours ago, dd7 said:

I want a man that's gonna be my 100 and I be his 100. Someone faithful completely, wouldn't do it unless they'd do it in front of me, as I would be the same. Open, honest, committed to us.

I want someone who's end goal is a spouse or at least as committed as one, if not legal, and who shows this openly. I want my better half, my other piece, the one that completes me. I want to do certain things in a relationship, yes, the womanly things to an extent and I expect my 100 to gladly do what I either cannot or prefer not to do, such as the manly things in a relationship. I want to do the cooking, cleaning, household shopping, paperwork fixing, laundry tending, pet care, child care if they've not out grown that and maybe some day grandchild care. I want a man to be the breadwinner, home and vehicle fixer and maintainer. Back to the 1950s I guess but that's what I want . . . 
 

This all reads like a dating site profile so you're not really out anything if you post that and see if you can get any takers.  It sounds like your current guy balked at the suggestion of going halfsies, and like my dad used to say "nothing ventured, nothing gained."  Although like at least one other poster has pointed out, being a young hottie puts you in a MUCH better position for financial help . . . and I'm not being rude or sarcastic, just realistic.

I don't know if you're in the US and quoting US dollars but I admit I'm curious as to where you live where the rent is $425.00/mo. and a $25,000/year salary equates to "living good."  I noticed that the rent is exactly half your income.  Is it one of those rent-controlled places where it's based on your income?  Keep in mind that if your household income rises, the rent may rise as well.

Edited by waffle
typo
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I know different cultures are different and there are still countries with very strong gender roles where the man works and the woman is a housewife. I'm not disputing that maybe there are women out there who want to and enjoy being a housewife. To each their own and I have no problem with it.

Personally unless I have kids, I wouldn't want to just be a housewife. This is mainly because I'm very social and outgoing and I find staying home boring. I went crazy in the COVID pandemic lockdowns when I wasn't able to do anything. I've always actually enjoyed working because I got out of the house and got to meet all sorts of people. I've been working since I was 16 years old and now I'm 37.

I think in the Western culture it's not really common anymore that men just want a housewife who they completely financially support.. I've seen men complain that the woman they're dating always wants them to pay for everything. You also need to think about that if a man has enough money to comfortably financially support both himself and another person, plus even their kids, he'd have to be rich/quite well off. 

As much as it sucks but in life people know their worth and know what they can get based on who they are and what they can offer. Rich men know what they've got and usually they think they deserve an attractive young woman based on that. 

I live in Australia and this might sound rude but that's not my intention, it's just the reality. Sometimes here you see (or at least used to see) older men with younger, usually attractive Asian women. Like, you'd see a 60-year-old man with a 30 or under 30-year-old woman. And these men are not necessarily rich here in Australia but they can get young women from poor Asian countries who just want a better life, to live in Australia and have a man take care of them. 

So what I'm trying to say is that I think you need to think about realistically what you can expect in a relationship based on your circumstances. You mentioned you're on disability payments. I'm not sure if your disability is physical and/or mental. I'm not sure if the man would need to also take care of you in other ways apart from financially, for example physical care. 

I think in your situation, your options to have a man mostly contribute financially would be to also have a man who is on disability payments or low income and therefore you both contribute the same, and live a modest life. Or maybe a much older man, for example 60 something, 70 something year old man who just wants a younger companion who will look after him.

I'm not trying to be rude but I just think that your expectations for a relationship are maybe too high and unrealistic. I mean, if you're lucky you might find what you're looking for, but I just think it's not that likely.

 

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Slightly different take. I don't think that what you would like is all that unrealistic.

For starters, wanting a man who is living with you to contribute at least 50/50 financially is far from unrealistic. If you are sharing a home, that's pretty standard in terms of how to split the bills. In fact, it's not unusual for couples to split living bills according to income, such as 60/40, 70/30 and so on. For example, the person who makes more and wants to live in a nicer place/area that you can't afford to live in. Rather than expect you to be broke or hand over all of your money to keep up with them, they will step up the difference so you both can live in that nicer area. It's then fair to expect you to make up that difference in other ways, such as housekeeping, cooking, etc.

In terms of traditional men, yes there are plenty. Look for blue collar if you are looking for more traditional. It doesn't mean that they will be misogynist pigs looking only for a pretty face or a younger woman, but rather that they work long hours in a physical job which leaves you to take care of all the other stuff. A natural balance and if that works for you both and nobody resents it, then that's just fine. Equitable relationships come in many forms and variations.

That said, I get the impression that your current situation is not equitable and that's what brought you here. You are dealing with a partner who is not willing to contribute as he should or as you feel would make the relationship equitable. So rather than banging your head against the wall and hoping for him to change, get rid of him and seek out the type of man that you want. They do exist and you are not asking too much or being unrealistic. You do need to look out for certain attitudes and cut out men who are not into the type of life/arrangement that you'd like faster. If he is living under your roof, eating your food, enjoying all the care that you provide, but doesn't want to contribute his fair share, then you don't have a man, you have a leech. 

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5 hours ago, waffle said:

This all reads like a dating site profile so you're not really out anything if you post that and see if you can get any takers.  It sounds like your current guy balked at the suggestion of going halfsies, and like my dad used to say "nothing ventured, nothing gained."  Although like at least one other poster has pointed out, being a young hottie puts you in a MUCH better position for financial help . . . and I'm not being rude or sarcastic, just realistic.

I don't know if you're in the US and quoting US dollars but I admit I'm curious as to where you live where the rent is $425.00/mo. and a $25,000/year salary equates to "living good."  I noticed that the rent is exactly half your income.  Is it one of those rent-controlled places where it's based on your income?  Keep in mind that if your household income rises, the rent may rise as well.

Lol...not a dating site profile. I just thought it'd be an eye opener if the bf and I wrote down our wants/expectations seperately and traded them at the same time to see if this is a relationship worth working to keep or scratch. We've not traded yet. 😬 After we trade, I may need to use it to create a dating profile 🤣

 

$425 rent in very rural TN. 2 bedroom, 1 bath duplex, not income based, not fancy but clean,updated, and well kept up. Rent hasn't increased in 3 years so (knocking on wood) hopefully it won't anytime soon. 

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4 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Slightly different take. I don't think that what you would like is all that unrealistic.

For starters, wanting a man who is living with you to contribute at least 50/50 financially is far from unrealistic. If you are sharing a home, that's pretty standard in terms of how to split the bills. In fact, it's not unusual for couples to split living bills according to income, such as 60/40, 70/30 and so on. For example, the person who makes more and wants to live in a nicer place/area that you can't afford to live in. Rather than expect you to be broke or hand over all of your money to keep up with them, they will step up the difference so you both can live in that nicer area. It's then fair to expect you to make up that difference in other ways, such as housekeeping, cooking, etc.

In terms of traditional men, yes there are plenty. Look for blue collar if you are looking for more traditional. It doesn't mean that they will be misogynist pigs looking only for a pretty face or a younger woman, but rather that they work long hours in a physical job which leaves you to take care of all the other stuff. A natural balance and if that works for you both and nobody resents it, then that's just fine. Equitable relationships come in many forms and variations.

That said, I get the impression that your current situation is not equitable and that's what brought you here. You are dealing with a partner who is not willing to contribute as he should or as you feel would make the relationship equitable. So rather than banging your head against the wall and hoping for him to change, get rid of him and seek out the type of man that you want. They do exist and you are not asking too much or being unrealistic. You do need to look out for certain attitudes and cut out men who are not into the type of life/arrangement that you'd like faster. If he is living under your roof, eating your food, enjoying all the care that you provide, but doesn't want to contribute his fair share, then you don't have a man, you have a leech. 

Exactly this. You just worded it much nicer than I could. Thank you for letting me know not all hope is lost💜

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On 7/6/2022 at 7:38 PM, dd7 said:

 I'm in a relationship,kinda, but he's moved out because I felt like we want 2 different things. 

If he moved out already, that's a good thing. That way, he's not "laying his head on your pillow every night" for free. You're free to be yourself and manage your household and finances as you see fit rather than exchange lists of changes you need to make in order to be happy.

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45 minutes ago, waffle said:

Was he actually living with you or was he just staying overnight occasionally (or even regularly)?  Does he have his own place?

He's stayed every night except maybe 2 weeks tops for the past 15 months. Minus the past lil bit less than a week. 

He kinda has his own place as in his 2 adult children live there but the lease is in his and his son's name and he doesn't have a room there. He's now sleeping on the couch there🤷

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