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Hey everyone.

5th week since break up. Now up and down like a yo-yo. One day good, next day bad, half a day bad, half a day good. I have days where everything reminds me of him, and days when they don't (ok, that's a lie, i think about him everyday). This is horrid.

Haven't seen him in a week and a few days - longest time ever been away from him. It doesn't hurt me right in the pit of my stomach anymore, so that's good, but it's still whooshing around in my head. I think of how much fun he may be having, and then alternately how it won't be fun for him because he's just lost a really good thing (though evidently not for him). As i already said in other posts he told me via text that 'this isn't a short term thing' but still everyday im hoping he might call me and want to see me and remember how great we were together. He isn't calling me as I told him not to. So i guess at least he is respecting that. And it's not about NC for 'winning him back' i just cant face the idea of being in his life or knowing about it without me in it. He's been selfish enough to want to break up so I'm being selfish about allowing myself to heal - and that means living without him til it all fades.

I keep trying to go out for walks and stuff, but I can't seem to go for more than 30mins, everyone is enjoying the summertime, and every car that drives past i wonder if he's in it - alone or with another girl - I just can't be to keep a smile on my face for too long - which makes me a misery i know, i just can't do it.

God i miss him. His smile, his silly jokes, his arms around me, cuddling me from behind, i miss kissing him, resting with him, talking the world to rights with him, sharing a cuppa with him, sitting in the sunshine with him and smelling that 'hot skin' smell thats on the side of his neck. Harrumpf. I know that we are over. But it still feels so raw.

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