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Should I leave him?

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On 7/6/2022 at 8:26 AM, sad69 said:

Thank you for replying. It's our apartment, we co-lease it. I work, so have my own income, but no car. I could try confiding in my parents but I don't know if they'd agree that any of this is abuse, especially as they were the abusers when I was a child and my bf has never actually punched/ hit me. 

I'd be interested to hear why you think couples therapy is a bad idea? I am hoping it would make him see the error in his ways and make some changes, shouldn't I give him a chance after being together for so long? Sorry, I'm just so confused about all of this 

Who gives a rat's butt if they don't agree with it being abuse or not....you just tell them you need help. 

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You are not required to build a 'case' in order to break up with a BF. Nobody else is living your life for you, so nobody else gets a vote.

Instead of couples therapy, see a therapist, counselor or case worker individually for your OWN help, including making a safe plan to exit.

If your parents will allow you to use their home as a starting point to finding another situation, you don't need to sell them on the idea of abuse, you can boil it down to a need to leave the guy, and will they help you? Period.

Also, there are resources available that you can learn about by speaking with a professional in domestic violence, and you don't need to be near-death, bruised, or hospital material to qualify. These agencies are as invested in PREVENTION as they are in active abuse cases, so take the imaginary judge and jury out of the equation and seek the help to get safe.

You'll see everything more clearly once you can safely remove yourself from BF's presence.

Don't make perfection a barrier to a 'good enough' escape.

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On 7/6/2022 at 12:47 PM, boltnrun said:

Couples therapy is contraindicated in cases of abuse because it's not the correct type of therapy. Plus, the result is often more severe abuse because the abuser gets angry with their victim over things they said during the therapy sessions.

I didn't even have to read your entire post because the beginning showed enough abuse in itself.

In my first marriage, my ex-husband was abusive as well, though in different ways, which isn't relevant. I'm pointing this out because the above quote came true in my case, where we went to couples counseling and after a session, he'd be angry, saying, "How could you tell her that?" "You cried to get her sympathy, and now she's on your side." "I want to change therapists, because this one only sides with you."

And during the session, as the therapist pointed out to me in private, he was closed off, crossing his arms over his chest. She said something to the effect of, "He obviously doesn't want to be here, and so he likely won't put in the effort to change his behavior."

Dr. Phil is an expert and I always agree with his advice. Whenever he's advised couples in abuse situations, he has always recommended living apart, even if the abuser has agreed to therapy. His behavior is so ingrained that it will likely take years, if he's even committed to it, to be a safe risk for anyone.

In your case, you've suffered enough throughout your years on the planet, and if you were my buddy, I'd say even if he tells you in a few years he's a new man, it'd be too hard on your heart if you gave him another chance and he reverted to his old ways.

He had his chance with you. It's over, or should be. You can afford your own place, so I'd start looking. And go no contact. It's the only way for closure. Take care.

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