My Mother relapsed after 1 year of being sober

[Biscuit99]

My mom made the decision to break her one year sobriety yesterday after she caught her fiancé messaging other women on his phone. She instantly took no accountability for drinking and blamed it on him, then she started saying “I’m not really drunk” when obviously she was. I love my mom and I hate that her fiancé broke her trust like that, but if she looks to others and blames her drinking on them that’s not right either. I’m going to be honest my mom isn’t mentally stable and has been verbally (and sometimes physically) abusing her fiancé. I know it’s no excuse to cheat but I was also abused by her growing up so I know how unbelievably cruel she can be. She has to have someone to take out her daily anger on. At one point it was me, now it’s him. I know he did wrong, but she is too by treating him so awful. It’s just an awful situation and now she’s brought alcohol back into it. She has no friends, not a single friend, and besides her fiancé I’m all she has. Because of this we hang out twice a week all day and I text her for an hour or two each day in between. I love her but she is smothering me especially with her being so mentally unstable it really stresses me out. She has no filter and says whatever she wants, whenever she wants, to whoever she wants. It’s just this constant stress when I’m around her, not knowing what she’ll say or do or when she’ll go off about something. The stress of her life has definitely seeped into mine and I can’t let her do this to me again. She refuses, and I mean really refuses, to go seek help or therapy. So there’s nothing I can do on that front. She really needs to get out and meet other women her age, but she doesn’t want that she wants me. It’s so overwhelming because I’m going back to school this fall and she won’t have as much time to be with me. Last time I went back to school she had a meltdown and accused me of hating her. Alcohol makes her so much worse and I just can’t believe after a whole year of no drinks she’s right back where she started. I get that people make mistakes and relapses happen but it’s the complete lack of remorse or accountability that tells me this isn’t going to be a one time slip up. Any advice on how to heal from this and help my mother would be great, or maybe just vent and let me know I’m not alone. 
 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Biscuit99 said:

 we hang out twice a week all day and I text her for an hour or two each day in between.

Sorry this is happening. As you know you can not fix or change her. You need to stop enabling her and hanging out this much and texting this much. You need to distance yourself much more.

You can get help and support for yourself:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

 

 

[arjumand]

I am very sorry to hear this and it must be very difficult. Have you checked out Al-Anon? It is a support group for people in just your position and you would be able to discuss things with people who have similar experiences and a lot of knowledge. They would also be able to help you with "helping" your mother, as you already stated, she is abusive and makes choices, and you can't really control any of that. I hope things improve. 

 

 

[Jibralta]

Your description of your mom's instability reminds me of my own mom. She always seemed to blow up on holidays or when one of us had an important occasion. And what should have been a positive situation turned into a negative one. 

That instability is difficult to deal with in and of itself, and it leaves a mark. It really does. I imagine alcoholism adds a whole nother layer of complication and pain to the situation. I'm sure you feel trapped (and guilty at the thought of separating from her).

I agree with Arjumand that you should check out Al-Anon. I think you're going through something that is very normal, given the circumstances. I think you will benefit from talking--or even just listening--to people who are coping with similar situations.