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I'd like some dating feedback?


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To preface this, I AM in therapy and have been for a bit. I just would like to hear some other experiences and opinions as well. 

SO I'm 26 and don't have the most dating success. I was in a very traumatic 6 year relationship, then have probably only been in 3 other *actual* relationships. None super long term. 

I don't have issues getting dates, but keep a relationship is hard. I want to know when is the appropriate time frame when you're seeing someone to ask for some more of their time. 

I've been seeing this new guy for about 5 weeks. We hit it off quickly and I think he's overall a good guy. BUT the typical issue here is that the communication has dipped a little. Not a lot. We still talk daily, but I feel the slight shift. We also work very opposite schedules so it's a little harder to see eschother often. I'd like to see him more than once a week or talk on the phone more or something, idk. But I can't determine if that's asking too much just yet. 

I'm just almost ALWAYS the one that's way more invested and tries harder and I'm actively working to not put a lot more effort than he is. But i don't want to seem uninterested? I really could use some advice. I hate being an inconvenience but want to be important to someone you know?

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3 hours ago, Spicydicey449 said:

To preface this, I AM in therapy and have been for a bit. I just would like to hear some other experiences and opinions as well. 

SO I'm 26 and don't have the most dating success. I was in a very traumatic 6 year relationship, then have probably only been in 3 other *actual* relationships. None super long term. 

I don't have issues getting dates, but keep a relationship is hard. I want to know when is the appropriate time frame when you're seeing someone to ask for some more of their time. 

I've been seeing this new guy for about 5 weeks. We hit it off quickly and I think he's overall a good guy. BUT the typical issue here is that the communication has dipped a little. Not a lot. We still talk daily, but I feel the slight shift. We also work very opposite schedules so it's a little harder to see eschother often. I'd like to see him more than once a week or talk on the phone more or something, idk. But I can't determine if that's asking too much just yet. 

I'm just almost ALWAYS the one that's way more invested and tries harder and I'm actively working to not put a lot more effort than he is. But i don't want to seem uninterested? I really could use some advice. I hate being an inconvenience but want to be important to someone you know?

I've been here tons of times. I'm 30 and have dated lots of guys where I feel that shift.

It can drive you crazy. It did for me. Second guessing myself. Wondering how he feels. 

I would nag my friends constantly asking what they think I should do. Then one of my friends said- why not just tell him your thoughts. 

I would freak and say No! I could never tell him what I'm thinking. But now at 30 years old I see my friend was right. 

You'll never get your needs met if you don't tell him what they are. He isn't a mind reader. 

Send him a nice message saying that you enjoy talking and seeing him and that you've been thinking you'd like to do it more. 

 

Then just see what he says. If he's receptive and steps up to see you more, great. If he is confusing and unsure then he isn't the right man for you. It's that simple. 

I wish I did this when I was in my 20s instead of sitting hoping, driving myself crazy wondering. It's simple, just ask for what you want. 

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Exactly Alex....we aren't mind readers.

I had a very promising relationship going several years ago, thought things were ok....in the middle of the breakup I found out I didn't text first often enough.  

I think a lot of times women just expect men to know things....we don't know enough until you tell us.  And not telling us with hidden messages or body language....tell us with your words so that we understand and can have an actionable fix for the issue.

Communication really is everything.

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Its not really that big of a deal to ask. If you want to see him more, than you want to see him more. So ask and see if you can make it happen. If he doesnt want it from some reason, eh, his loss.

Also, I think you should relax a bit. You are still young to apply so much pressure on you. Dating isnt easy. Sure, somebody else maybe has more luck to find a suitable partner, but dating in general today  isnt the most easiest and you need to undertand that. You should know yourself and what you are looking for and to try for that. Whether you would find what you are looking for is sometimes more about luck. So, relax a bit. 

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6 hours ago, Spicydicey449 said:

 I'd like to see him more than once a week or talk on the phone more or something, 

Try not to keep taking the pulse of the relationship so tightly. Panicking because of some shifts in texting is an example.

Dating 5 weeks is the get to know you time. Have confidence in yourself that this man likes you.

It's the time to observe, not invest. That means if your schedules are an issue or he's too busy, you're not compatible.

The key is observation not changing someone or yourself to make it work. If a date once a week and a few texts a day sucks for you, move forward.

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If he’s not showing much effort you have the answer you need. Usually these things grow on their own. The more you know about someone and intrigued you become the more you’ll also want to mutually spend more time with one another.

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Posted (edited)

nope that's when you cut your losses. Meet someone that is spot on with schedules, interest, values, etc. You shouldn't have to ask for anything when you are with the right person. This is probably part of your problem...you invest in the wrong relationships/guys. You need to set the bar higher. 

Edited by smackie9
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9 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

If he’s not showing much effort you have the answer you need. Usually these things grow on their own. The more you know about someone and intrigued you become the more you’ll also want to mutually spend more time with one another.

I agree. It's not about constant texting (I didn't have a cell phone when I dated and refrained from too much instant messaging/email if we didn't have a date planned - meaning early on in the relationship as you are) - he should be enthusiastically trying to see you in person at least once or twice a week.  Making plans in advance.  You too -after 5 weeks.  You don't need a chat buddy and don't use texting as a security blanket for reassurance that he still "likes" you.  Interest is action and in early dating the action is making plans to see each other.  

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