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Boyfriend texting female coworker who has a girlfriend


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22 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Yes I have told him before and it led to us breaking up and then we got back together because I said i’d look into Islam. So I know that he can’t accept me as non muslim 😔

Do not bother changing your religion if/until he makes a commitment such as an engagement. Don't jump through hoops for someone who does not love you enough to accept you. Keep in mind you may be being recruited the way he is such a zealot about it.

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2 hours ago, Redyroo said:

Yes I have told him before and it led to us breaking up and then we got back together because I said i’d look into Islam. So I know that he can’t accept me as non muslim 😔

When was this breakup, and for how long? And was getting back together based solely on you "looking into" Islam? Has he shown any compassion/understanding for how big an ask that is? What do your friends and family think of him, of you two? 

What I can't help but find curious is that it's hard to take his conviction totally seriously because...he continues to date you. To me that means that either his religious conviction or his conviction to be on a path to marriage—or both—are not as steadfast as he says. I can't help but think that, on some level, likely not conscious, he like things how they are, at least for now. But once he really decides to get serious with the rest of his life—well, would he even want that with someone whose conversion isn't coming from a true place? 

It's so hard. Most of us don't know our true lines and dealbreakers until we're pressed right up against them, and I can't help but wonder if you're both learning that very hard lesson right now. When I was younger, for example, I always thought: one day I'll want to get married, will think differently about marriage. But in dating people who knew they wanted to get married I learned I just didn't want that to be a major factor or a goal of romance, so I stopped dating people (before it even started) who wanted to get married, knowing it would just cause strife down the line. I'm grateful for those lessons, though there was some heartbreak in learning them. 

In other words, you maybe thought there was some chance that you'd come around on the question of Islam, as he maybe thought so too. But the thing is, whenever a relationship is predicated on getting really real once x or y happens, the relationship is already strained, limited, since time doesn't stop. Whatever is great about it all, it seems to me you are really starting to long for things that, honestly, are not so hard to find: someone you date, meet their friends and family, get further and further integrated into their life, and, in all that, get to assess how good you are for each other. 

 

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From what you have said about religion, is he waiting for you to convert, and you hoping he can over look this? You love him, he treats you good, but there are things that are not good that need to be addressed soon...facing truths. I agree communication, open conversation has to start or you will be living in fear waiting for the other shoe to drop. if it means a breakup, might be less painful ripping the band-aid off now rather the long slow death. having a conversation doesn't have to be a negative experience if you approach it in a positive manner. It's worth a try...you know baby steps, one thing at a time. 

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22 hours ago, Redyroo said:

Why is this decision to break us all on me when I accept him as muslim and want us to continue? Why is the responsibility for this to end on me

It's not all your decision. He knew this was a riskier relationship than choosing another Muslim partner. He is choosing not to marry a non-Muslim. And, being 5 years older than you, he should've realized converting would be a major life changer for you, and a major thing to ask of someone.

Some things don't make sense here. If religion plays such a huge role, have his parents not been pressuring him, at what probably is an advanced age for their culture, to marry another Muslim? I'm sure they are not idiots and have figured out he's not on that path. And I'm assuming you two have been intimate all this time, so isn't that against Muslim practice? If he's so unwilling to bend as to not marry a non-Muslim, why, if he doesn't follow all of its ideology? 

Feeling upset for breaking up with someone is normal. You're an empathetic person. But it's one of the tough things one has to go through, one or more times in life, for one's own good in situations like this.

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On 7/7/2022 at 10:55 PM, Andrina said:

It's not all your decision. He knew this was a riskier relationship than choosing another Muslim partner. He is choosing not to marry a non-Muslim. And, being 5 years older than you, he should've realized converting would be a major life changer for you, and a major thing to ask of someone.

Some things don't make sense here. If religion plays such a huge role, have his parents not been pressuring him, at what probably is an advanced age for their culture, to marry another Muslim? I'm sure they are not idiots and have figured out he's not on that path. And I'm assuming you two have been intimate all this time, so isn't that against Muslim practice? If he's so unwilling to bend as to not marry a non-Muslim, why, if he doesn't follow all of its ideology? 

Feeling upset for breaking up with someone is normal. You're an empathetic person. But it's one of the tough things one has to go through, one or more times in life, for one's own good in situations like this.

Yes exactly, I’ve had all of these thoughts and it’s really bizarre to me. I wonder that surely his parents know by now that he’s got someone. None of it makes any sense. Thank you for validating my experience 

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On 7/7/2022 at 8:36 PM, MissCanuck said:

So, is he just waiting and hoping you will convert? 

And you are waiting for him to change his mind about conversion? 

I don't really understand what either of your end goals is. 

Yeah I know I can’t change his mind dw. I’m not an idiot. He’s waiting for me to convert and I said to him i’ll look into Islam. 

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1 minute ago, Redyroo said:

Yeah I know I can’t change his mind dw. I’m not an idiot. He’s waiting for me to convert and I said to him i’ll look into Islam. 

Before you met him were you interested in converting to Islam? Are you doing this for him or because you really with your whole heart and soul want to be that religion? If not would you be welcome to/permitted to convert?

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5 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

He’s waiting for me to convert 

It doesn't work that way. He has to commit to you first, such as engagement. Then and only then is it worthwhile looking into anything.

I think you should run. It sounds like you are being recruited, not courted. Read up on "flirt to convert".

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Before you met him were you interested in converting to Islam? Are you doing this for him or because you really with your whole heart and soul want to be that religion? If not would you be welcome to/permitted to convert?

I hadn’t any clue about Islam before I met him. I was 18 at the time. I’m 25 now. So of course, through him I was introduced to Islam and have learned some things about it. There are a lot of things I like about the religion but I don’t know enough yet to decide if it is for me or not. I would say I am a very open minded person, hence why i’m dating him in the first place.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't work that way. He has to commit to you first, such as engagement. Then and only then is it worthwhile looking into anything. I think you should run.

If he got engaged to me then we would need to marry within the next year or so because his family would tell him to get married after engagement. That’s what happens in the muslim community. But he wouldn’t be able to tell them unless I convert. He needs to know where my head is at before he makes a move. Anyway, neither of us can afford marriage atm or are ready for it

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2 hours ago, Redyroo said:

If he got engaged to me then we would need to marry within the next year or so because his family would tell him to get married after engagement. That’s what happens in the muslim community. But he wouldn’t be able to tell them unless I convert. He needs to know where my head is at before he makes a move. Anyway, neither of us can afford marriage atm or are ready for it

OK - so many people are very open minded and when it comes to choosing a marriage partner religious compatibility -including religious values/spiritiuality is very important. So you can be very open minded AND choose not to marry someone of a religion you don't believe in because joining that religion is a precondition put on you plus it will affect the timing of the marriage as you said.  Like, I'm very openminded about people who want to be child free and I would have never married someone who believed in and wanted to be childfree.  Be careful about converting to a religion you're not 100% enthusiatic about.  

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3 hours ago, Redyroo said:

Yeah I know I can’t change his mind dw. I’m not an idiot. He’s waiting for me to convert and I said to him i’ll look into Islam. 

Then don't delay and let more years go by, tying you up to a dead end if you decide the religion is not for you. Just as when a person is considering changing from one gender to another and wearing the clothing, etc. of the opposite sex as a step before the operation, you should also begin trying out what it would feel like to be a Muslim. They pray 5 times per day starting pre-dawn and ending in evening, and each of the 5 prayers has to be done at particular times with ritual washing of hands and I don't know what else beforehand. So if I were you, I'd just start washing your hands and meditate or whatever you want to do during that 3 to 5 minutes a day during the required time periods. I think they do this while kneeling, so read up on that and go through the motions. You should also start wearing the clothing that is appropriate for Muslim women, covering to your wrists and ankles, etc., plus covering your hair part of the day.

Call the local mosque to see when visitors are allowed and the etiquette you need to be aware of. Find out how many times per week a person is expected to attend, and at what time. After you visit, just stop outside there however many times per week you're expected to go, just so you can see if you're willing to fit that into a weekly routine.

You should also discuss all your relationship boundaries with him to make sure he's on the same page. Obviously you differ since you're upset he's getting close with a female at work and they've exchanged numbers. If you're afraid of losing someone by communicating your wants, needs, boundaries, then your foundation is too weak for your relationship to survive, anyway.

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4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't work that way. He has to commit to you first, such as engagement. Then and only then is it worthwhile looking into anything.

I think you should run. It sounds like you are being recruited, not courted. Read up on "flirt to convert".

What do you mean recruited and flirt to convert? I’m not following?

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