Jump to content

Boyfriend texting female coworker who has a girlfriend


Recommended Posts

Posted (edited)

I checked my bf’s phone as I had noticed that he was online around 5 times a day, mainly at night and twice I noticed he was on for around 20 mins. 
 

because this was making me feel anxious I checked his phone and saw that he was talking to this lesbian coworker who he has never mentioned to me before. They seem close and i’ve noticed she was tagging him in funny work posts and he was liking her comments and replying with laughing faces. When I checked his phone, her last message to him was something about Love Island. They seem to be bonding and I find it strange how he hasn’t even mentioned her once before to me. 
 

should I be worried?

Edited by Redyroo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can I ask how long you’ve been together and how old you two are? And has he given you any reason not to trust him or to feel he’s not invested in the relationship?

Regardless, disrespecting someone’s privacy and personal space is not the way to solve a problem or handle anxiety. In his shoes I’d be pretty upset that you opted to look through his phone rather than talk to him about your feelings, concerns, whatever. 

As for the messages, without more context as to why you’re so concerned, they strike my eyes as pretty harmless work banter. Maybe he hasn’t yet mentioned her because it means nothing? 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So we’ve been together 5 years now, he’s 30 and i’m 25. The reason i’m worried is because I don’t know where I stand with him. The only way the relationship can move forward is if I become muslim and i’m unsure if I want to be muslim. He’s wanting marriage with me but this for him and his family is the only way. His family don’t even know about me yet. It’s no wonder i’m this insecure because i’ve felt hidden from a part of his life that is so important. Because of the religion, he also can’t post me on social media although we do follow each other on it. I hope this answers your question. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry about all that.

It doesn’t sound like this has anything to do with his texts, but about a much deeper rift in the relationship. If the only way he’ll bring you further into his life is if you convert to Islam, and you’re not sure about that—well, that’s where you stand.

I understand that feeling hidden is awful, but at the same time it doesn’t sound like he’s been cagey about the reasons why. And if after 5 years you’re still on the fence about converting, and he’s adamant that that’s the only path, I’d say it’s maybe time to rethink the relationship, hard as that is to consider.

 

 

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Yeah I agree, it stems from this issue with the religion. It’s my first ever relationship and i’ve put him through hell with my insecurities and yet he’s stayed this whole time. One of my greatest fears is fear of abandonment and the very fact he’s stuck with me no matter what i’ve done makes it hard for me to leave him. I feel he’s just so good. It makes me feel bad. Hence why i’m trying to find all sorts of ways to paint him as the bad guy, at least in that way I could have an excuse to leave him. Leaving him by saying I can’t be muslim would make me feel like i’m the one who’s choosing not to fight for us despite all the fighting he did for me. Okay wow, your response gave me an epiphany, it’s the entire reason why i’m trying to paint him the bad guy. Wow 😳

Edited by Redyroo
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow indeed. 

Personally, I don’t really think of people in terms of bad and good, but more like: good for each other, or not. Him wanting to date a Muslim is understandable, just as you not wanting to convert is understandable. It’s also the sort of thing that points to you two maybe not being good for each other in the long haul. 

I think you need to look deep within yourself, not his texts, and figure out where you stand on religion. That’s where you’ll find the security you’re looking for, not in trying to “prove” something shady about him. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes I agree so much! Thank you, and I agree, I do have a tendency to use black and white thinking a lot. 
 

at the beginning of the relationship we were both immature in thinking that we wouldn’t go far. We didn’t realise that it would become serious and that we would have to question religion and the future. It was just a punch in the face really and has been causing a barrier ever since. Deep down, I feel like Islam isn’t for me but I think I am far too afraid to admit this for fear of letting him go. In the past i’ve always had sh*t experiences with men and so when he turned up, I thought to myself, let’s just play this guy, let’s not get attached because I was projecting all the sh*t that had happened to me. Little did I know how wonderful, healing and amazing he would be. It shocked me to my core that someone like this could be real. And to throw that away, I don’t know. What if I could never find that connection again? Even thinking about it makes me tear up. I don’t want to let go of him. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unless you convert, you know there is no future with him. 

It doesn't matter if he is good to you. The religious aspect apparently will be a dealbreaker, so letting go of him is not exactly relevant - sooner or later, he will likely let go of you. Assuming he wants to get married and have a family, and he is not willing to do so with a woman who does not share his religion, he will eventually break up with you.

Him talking to another woman could be problematic, but it's not really what this is about. It sounds platonic anyway. So now you and he have to deal with the real issue here, which is the question of religious incompatibility. It's time to stop coasting along and start getting real with each other about the long-term viability of this relationship. 

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If she is a lesbian I dont think you have too much to worry about. Though him not mentioning is sus. But maybe he is afraid of your reaction. You do check on his phone trying to find something so you seem jealous type.

Also, yes, you should be more worried about religion. Muslims are demanding for you to convert to their religion for marriage so if you wont convert it is better to just break up. You are both losing the time where you can find somebody where that thing wouldnt be an issue.

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, Redyroo said:

I checked my bf’s phone as I had noticed that he was online around 5 times a day, mainly at night 

Why are you rifling through his phone in the first place? Yes that's extremely problematic.

You not only don't trust him but have issues respecting other people's property and privacy. 

You're jealous of a lesbian co-workers of his he chitchats with?

Get a handle on your suspiciousness, lack of respect for others and controlling behaviors.

Address the real problems in the relationship honestly and fairly. Not sneaking through his phone making wild assumptions.

The real issue is incompatibilities as far as religion and values. Therefore this relationship is a dead end for you.

Edited by Wiseman2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Being kept a secret for 5 years and was being given ultimatums about what you must do if you want to get married etc isn't nice.  I was kept a secret from my first boyfriend's family because I wasn't Sikh, but after 2 1/2 years I finally met them and they were perfectly nice to me.  My sister-in-law's family gave my brother hell because he wasn't Hindu, but these days they love him.  In both cases, the families came around, but your boyfriend won't even give them the opportunity.

Your boyfriend and his family either need to accept you as you are or you need to leave him and find someone who will.  You are both grown adults and if he won't even risk you meeting his family because you do not share their religion then I don't know why you're accepting it.  How would he feel if you did that to him?

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, Redyroo said:

 i’m unsure if I want to be muslim.  His family don’t even know about me yet. he also can’t post me on social media 

Exactly. You were looking for bizarre reasons to end it, when in fact at some level you know he and his family will arrange a marriage with a virginal Muslim woman. He's sowing wild oats until then and that's what you sensed. That's why you were a secret. That's why you can't be on his social media.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

BTW sexuality isn't always cut and dry. I had a coworker that proclaimed to be a lesbian, which she was at the time. Then one day I noticed how flirty she was being around a male coworker. I got a sense she was crushing on him. As time went on all of a sudden she started having Bfs.....she ended up with a long time male friend and they have been a couple for years now. So anything is possible. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

BTW sexuality isn't always cut and dry. I had a coworker that proclaimed to be a lesbian, which she was at the time. Then one day I noticed how flirty she was being around a male coworker. I got a sense she was crushing on him. As time went on all of a sudden she started having Bfs.....she ended up with a long time male friend and they have been a couple for years now. So anything is possible. 

What if the lesbian has a gf? 🥺

Link to comment
Share on other sites

56 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

What if the lesbian has a gf? 🥺

What if she had a BF? what difference does that make? Having a BF or GF doesn't stop people from doing things they shouldn't do outside their relationship. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 hours ago, Redyroo said:

at the beginning of the relationship we were both immature in thinking that we wouldn’t go far. We didn’t realise that it would become serious and that we would have to question religion and the future. It was just a punch in the face really and has been causing a barrier ever since.

This is very common, especially when you're young and not thinking too far down the line. You get into a relationship because it feels good, very good, thinking that all the complicated differences will work themselves out. As you get older—and learn from such experiences—you start seeking people where those complications aren't, well, complicated because you see eye to eye. 

Something that is said a lot: relationships require compromise. This is true, but that doesn't mean you compromise who you truly are, since that inherently limits the depth and truth of any relationship. If deep down you know Islam isn't for you, and deep down your boyfriend is hoping it is for you—well, that is a very serious hindrance to connection and intimacy. You're both getting shortchanged—and this present moment, with you secretly looking through his phone, shows that you're not communicating or connecting in an honest manner.  

19 hours ago, Redyroo said:

Little did I know how wonderful, healing and amazing he would be. It shocked me to my core that someone like this could be real.

Whatever happens, this is forever. Try to remind yourself of that, as you feel your way through all this. And also remind yourself that, alongside everything healing and amazing, are some other unfortunate truths—namely, that you are very, very insecure in your own skin inside this relationship. That doesn't have to be the default mode of these things, though we can easily train ourselves to believe it to be the case. 

19 hours ago, Redyroo said:

What if I could never find that connection again? Even thinking about it makes me tear up.

What about a connection where, after years of dating, you knew someone's family and they knew you? Where you were celebrated on social media? Where you weren't at odds over religion? That would be different than what you have now—and maybe, hard as it is to contemplate, part of the beauty in what you have now is that it has shown you certain things you need from a relationship to feel secure.

All that isn't me saying to end this tomorrow, only that I think you owe it yourself, him, and the time you two have shared to talk honestly about this.  

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

30 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

This is very common, especially when you're young and not thinking too far down the line. You get into a relationship because it feels good, very good, thinking that all the complicated differences will work themselves out. As you get older—and learn from such experiences—you start seeking people where those complications aren't, well, complicated because you see eye to eye. 

Something that is said a lot: relationships require compromise. This is true, but that doesn't mean you compromise who you truly are, since that inherently limits the depth and truth of any relationship. If deep down you know Islam isn't for you, and deep down your boyfriend is hoping it is for you—well, that is a very serious hindrance to connection and intimacy. You're both getting shortchanged—and this present moment, with you secretly looking through his phone, shows that you're not communicating or connecting in an honest manner.  

Whatever happens, this is forever. Try to remind yourself of that, as you feel your way through all this. And also remind yourself that, alongside everything healing and amazing, are some other unfortunate truths—namely, that you are very, very insecure in your own skin inside this relationship. That doesn't have to be the default mode of these things, though we can easily train ourselves to believe it to be the case. 

What about a connection where, after years of dating, you knew someone's family and they knew you? Where you were celebrated on social media? Where you weren't at odds over religion? That would be different than what you have now—and maybe, hard as it is to contemplate, part of the beauty in what you have now is that it has shown you certain things you need from a relationship to feel secure.

All that isn't me saying to end this tomorrow, only that I think you owe it yourself, him, and the time you two have shared to talk honestly about this.  

 

@bluecastle your advice is solid, I can’t thank you enough. I agree with everything you’ve said. I think given the circumstances and what i’ve accepted has made me this insecure. If I were to leave, and eventually be with a partner where this isn’t an issue, i’d not feel as insecure. I definitely need to contemplate on whether to be with him as holding on is only hurting me and I agree it’s preventing me from fully feeling close to him. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Give yourself a break for being young and making decisions you would not have made if older, and with more life/dating experience under your belt.

At 25, your brain is just now reached full development as an adult, specifically in the decision making area. Probably why you're not at this watershed moment.

Even if you love someone, it's wiser to move on if anything in your major goals don't match as a couple, such as whether or not to have children, where to live, agreement of relationship boundaries, and as in your case, lifestyle choices involving religion, and other must-haves.

You don't like his friendship with a female, so that's already one major difference in relationship boundaries. And of course the major thing about religion. After 5 years of being indecisive about that, isn't that extremely telling?

At your age, I think it's unrealistic to think he will be the only man on this planet who is willing to be longterm with you. Fear is a bad reason to stay with someone.

If you do choose to be single again, don't date for at least a good year, especially if you still carry around useless, emotional baggage from the past. A new partner will deserve someone mentally healthy, and relationship success will happen more readily when both partners are free of toxic baggage.

It's good you've learned what you DON'T want in a relationship, and being a secret means the relationship is wrong for you. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

44 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Give yourself a break for being young and making decisions you would not have made if older, and with more life/dating experience under your belt.

At 25, your brain is just now reached full development as an adult, specifically in the decision making area. Probably why you're not at this watershed moment.

Even if you love someone, it's wiser to move on if anything in your major goals don't match as a couple, such as whether or not to have children, where to live, agreement of relationship boundaries, and as in your case, lifestyle choices involving religion, and other must-haves.

You don't like his friendship with a female, so that's already one major difference in relationship boundaries. And of course the major thing about religion. After 5 years of being indecisive about that, isn't that extremely telling?

At your age, I think it's unrealistic to think he will be the only man on this planet who is willing to be longterm with you. Fear is a bad reason to stay with someone.

If you do choose to be single again, don't date for at least a good year, especially if you still carry around useless, emotional baggage from the past. A new partner will deserve someone mentally healthy, and relationship success will happen more readily when both partners are free of toxic baggage.

It's good you've learned what you DON'T want in a relationship, and being a secret means the relationship is wrong for you. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Literally just been in tears just thinking about it all. I don’t want to let him go but my logical mind knows it has to be done. He has a huge surprise planned for my birthday on Friday and I can’t help but just feel so guilty that he’s planned all that and here I am thinking about breaking up. 
 

One reason i’ve stayed this long is because we’ve actually managed to work through all our difficulties, we’ve found a way to argue that is healthy and we communicate extremely well. We rarely fight now and we both feel safe to talk about things that’s on our minds. It’s honestly all perfect except this religion part. He tells me stuff like “if you want it to work then let’s make it work, we can both do it if we’re both willing” he has such a strong attitude and is willing to fight for us and for me to end it because I don’t want to be muslim makes me feel like i’m the one who has to take that all away from us. Why is this decision to break us all on me when I accept him as muslim and want us to continue? Why is the responsibility for this to end on me when I’m wanting to fight? I don’t think it’s fair. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

We rarely fight now and we both feel safe to talk about things that’s on our minds. It’s honestly all perfect except this religion part.

It's hard for me to reconcile the above with what led to this post: You chose to snoop through his stuff either because you're suspicious about him or because, on some level, you're looking for a reason to end things and living with an untenable level of insecurity coursing through you. That's not sharing what's on your mind, but the opposite: hiding it and reacting to it.  

I don't say that to tsk-tsk, but just to encourage you to see things more clearly, more realistically. 

23 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

He tells me stuff like “if you want it to work then let’s make it work, we can both do it if we’re both willing” he has such a strong attitude and is willing to fight for us and for me to end it because I don’t want to be muslim makes me feel like i’m the one who has to take that all away from us.

Have you said to him, clearly, that you want to be with him but that you've searched your soul and realize that you can't convert to Islam? To me, that's what a frank and loving conversation looks like, and what putting in the work of a relationship looks like, not vague statements like "we can both do it if we're both willing." Is he willing, for instance, to fully accept you—you—into his life without you changing? Are you willing to be bold and honest enough to find out? 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, bluecastle said:

It's hard for me to reconcile the above with what led to this post: You chose to snoop through his stuff either because you're suspicious about him or because, on some level, you're looking for a reason to end things and living with an untenable level of insecurity coursing through you. That's not sharing what's on your mind, but the opposite: hiding it and reacting to it.  

I don't say that to tsk-tsk, but just to encourage you to see things more clearly, more realistically. 

Have you said to him, clearly, that you want to be with him but that you've searched your soul and realize that you can't convert to Islam? To me, that's what a frank and loving conversation looks like, and what putting in the work of a relationship looks like, not vague statements like "we can both do it if we're both willing." Is he willing, for instance, to fully accept you—you—into his life without you changing? Are you willing to be bold and honest enough to find out? 

 

Yes I have told him before and it led to us breaking up and then we got back together because I said i’d look into Islam. So I know that he can’t accept me as non muslim 😔

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...