My husband’s bestfriend

[Ad_Bc]

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3 and we have a 1 year old daughter. I moved from my country to live in his country but I am unhappy here and unable to form friendships. After 3 years of living here, I meet his bestfriend from highschool and we immediately clicked. We have the same personality and likes and dislikes. It was uncanny how similar we are. I was so happy to find someone to talk to who knew exactly what I was talking about. For some reason I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He added me in faccebook the same night. A week later, we met again, with my husband of course and other friends and the same thing happened. We talked and found more and more things in common. Sometimes I’d see him in my peripheral vision just staring at me until he realizes that he’s staring. When he left, he gave me a really tight hug twice. Then at 3am that night he sent me a message thanking me for the invite and that it was exactly what he needed. My husband is an amazing person, not perfect. We are very different though and having been together for a while now we’ve rannout of things to talk about. We rarely have sex and I just feel like the relationship has stagnated. Talking to his friend made me feel so alive and wanted me to pursue my old hobbies again. And again, I can’t stop thinking about him and I’m looking forward to see him again. I’m so confused. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ad_Bc said:

we have a 1 year old . I moved from my country to live in his country but I am unhappy here 

Sorry this is happening. How did you meet? Why did you move to his country?

You seem lonely, homesick and overwhelmed with a baby.

Does your family visit? Are your in-laws ok? Do you work? Or are you bored/lonely as a SAHM?

Do you have opportunities to make friends? Perhaps through clubs groups?

You're not confused. You have a crush and seem to want an affair because your life is not what you hoped after moving there and having a child..

But that's not the answer, especially your husband's friends.

Why is your marriage stagnating? Is it since becoming parents and all the additional responsibilities? 

While this man may inspire you, it actually seems like you are depressed stressed and unhappy in general.

 

[MissCanuck]

How long have you been privately communicating with his best friend?

It needs to stop. You risk blowing up your whole world here, and it won't be worth it. However, it's the sign that your marriage is in a bad place. Does your husband know how unhappy you are in general? And that you feel the marriage is stagnant? 

Understand that your sudden interest in another man is the symptom of bigger problems. Those problems need to be addressed before you do something you will regret later. 

[melancholy123]

OMG don't risk your marriage because you are lusting for this guy!  Figure out how to jump start your marriage and get back on track.  You have a child to think about too!

This needs to stop before it gets started.

 

[Ad_Bc]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How did you meet? Why did you move to his country?

You seem lonely, homesick and overwhelmed with a baby.

Does your family visit? Are your in-laws ok? Do you work?

Do you have opportunities to make friends? Perhaps through clubs groups?

You're not confused. You have a crush and seem to want an affair because your life is not what you hoped after moving there and having a child..

But that's not the answer, especially your husband's friends.

Why is your marriage stagnating? Is it since becoming parents and all the additional responsibilities? 

While this man may inspire you, it actually seems like you are depressed stressed and unhappy in general.

 

Thank you for taking time to reply, it means so much to me. My husband and I met whilst working in another country and we mutually agreed to move to his country since it’s a better place to start a family. 

My in-laws are ok. My family hasn’t visited because of covid and I haven’t had the chance to see my family for 3 years for the same reason. 
 

I don’t want to have an affair, but my mind is longing to just have deep conversations with him. It’s something my husband can’t really relate to. Personality differences I suppose. 

The reason for the stagnation can be a lot of things. Being parents, being too busy, not experiencing new things, getting older. 
 

[Ad_Bc]

39 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

How long have you been privately communicating with his best friend?

It needs to stop. You risk blowing up your whole world here, and it won't be worth it. However, it's the sign that your marriage is in a bad place. Does your husband know how unhappy you are in general? And that you feel the marriage is stagnant? 

Understand that your sudden interest in another man is the symptom of bigger problems. Those problems need to be addressed before you do something you will regret later. 

I am not privately communicating with him, he sent me a thank you message and I replied that it was OUR (me and my husband) pleasure. I told my husband that he sent me a message and also told him what I replied. 
 

I don’t want to cheat on my husband. He knows I have been unhappy, feeling isolated, depressed etc. He had suggested I get help and join groups etc. I’ve done all those things but couldn’t seem to find someone I can connect to up to this level as I have connected with this man. 
 

I don’t want to cheat, I really don’t. Perhaps writing here is a way of vocalizing this. Hoping it will lose it’s power

[Ad_Bc]

18 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

OMG don't risk your marriage because you are lusting for this guy!  Figure out how to jump start your marriage and get back on track.  You have a child to think about too!

This needs to stop before it gets started.

 

I’m sorry but I’m not lusting for this guy. It’s the emotional connection that I have been longing for that makes me think about him. 
 

That’s precisely why I’m here, because I don’t like the fact that I am thinking of another man. 

[MissCanuck]

5 minutes ago, Ad_Bc said:

I don’t want to cheat, I really don’t.

Then don't. Simple. 

But not cheating is not the same as not craving connection with someone else. How long have you felt a lack of connection to your husband? What do you have in common? 

 

[melancholy123]

Get yourself involved, volunteer somewhere, get a part time job, join a mom and tots group.  You can make friends that way.

[Ad_Bc]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Then don't. Simple. 

But not cheating is not the same as not craving connection with someone else. How long have you felt a lack of connection to your husband? What do you have in common? 

 

My husband and I don’t have much in common. I would say we never really connect in a very deep level. But he is an amazing person and he’ll fo anything for me. And it’s a good thing that we are different. We learn from each other. He somehow just prefers to watch tv and not talk to me for years now

[Ad_Bc]

6 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

Get yourself involved, volunteer somewhere, get a part time job, join a mom and tots group.  You can make friends that way.

I forgot to include the fact that I live in a country where people just like doing their own thing and foreigners are made to feel unwelcomed. I also live in a small town with a homegeneous society. I have tried joining groups like this to no avail. 
 

There are so many elements to this story that led me here now

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

Get yourself involved, volunteer somewhere, get a part time job, join a mom and tots group.  You can make friends that way.

Yes- I relocated to a city where I knew no one 800 miles from family when I got married and became a mom - my son was 6 months old when I moved.  I was in my early 40s.

You have to put in a lot of effort to meet new people -I went to story times at the library, the playgrounds down the block, other playgrounds, the art museum playroom and toddler art classes, I did volunteer work on my own with adults helping with fundraising for a public radio station, etc. - you might not make a best friend but it will help -the social interaction.  Also playdates.

Did I have/do I have -a great social life here? No.  (Also because of the pandemic).  Am I or was I lonely, etc -no.  There's a happy medium.

Is this a very small town? What are you doing to reach out, initiate contact, be part of the community? Are you members of a place of worship?

Do not lean on your husband's male best friend for an emotional connection -you are playing with fire.  It's fine to see him when your husband is there or in a group.

[MissCanuck]

OP, I live abroad too. So, I get what you mean about feeling like an outsider. It’s not always as simple as joining groups or volunteering. There are often many other cultural and social nuances to it. 

To clarify, is there any language barrier? I learned the local language where I live now, but perhaps that’s not an issue for you. 

[Batya33]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

OP, I live abroad too. So, I get what you mean about feeling like an outsider. It’s not always as simple as joining groups or volunteering. There are often many other cultural and social nuances to it. 

To clarify, is there any language barrier? I learned the local language where I live now, but perhaps that’s not an issue for you. 

I agree with language.  Where I moved was very different culturally despite speaking the same language and I was a good 10 years or more older than the other moms (where I lived before older moms were far more typical) - and I don't drive and where I live now is a huge driving "culture" so I get it's not easy.  I have met many people who moved to my city from abroad and befriended a number of them (sometimes they then returned to their home country and I stayed in touch as I could).

[melancholy123]

32 minutes ago, Ad_Bc said:

I forgot to include the fact that I live in a country where people just like doing their own thing and foreigners are made to feel unwelcomed. I also live in a small town with a homegeneous society. I have tried joining groups like this to no avail. 
 

There are so many elements to this story that led me here now

I lived on a farm for 26 yrs where we were the new people the whole time!  Never did fit in despite trying really hard.  So I  get it.  Dont let the isolation stop you.

I helped at my kids' school from time to time and basically I was about as lonely as you could get.  Then I decided I wanted to learn to play guitar so I joined the local music school and took lessons and after 5 yrs of that I joined the school band.  Not bad for someone in their 40s!  Bass player in a classic rock n blues band.  That lead me to meet so many more people and make friends, which is what I needed.

I'm not saying take up guitar, but find a hobby you like and get involved with it.  Those stuffy farm people who rejected me didnt know what they missed out on, I could have been a good friend if they'd let me.  So I found my friends elsewhere.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Ad_Bc said:

I don’t want to cheat on my husband. He knows I have been unhappy, feeling isolated, depressed etc. He had suggested I get help and join groups etc. I’ve done all those things but couldn’t seem to find someone I can connect to up to this level as I have connected with this man. 

That is how it starts. You are feeling unhappy. Then you find a spark with the guy. Then you start hanging around in private with him. Then think that you should have met the guy before you met your husband. Then your husband(as in every marriage) gets you mad for something. So friend becomes a shoulder to cry on. And then a D to ride on. 

You are playing a very dangerous game. That wont turn out OK. Again its already started

3 hours ago, Ad_Bc said:

And again, I can’t stop thinking about him

Find a hobby. Any hobby. You have a kid, hang around moms groups, its very popular thing for new mothers. Just dont go seducing your husbands best friend because you feel lonely.

[Ad_Bc]

12 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is how it starts. You are feeling unhappy. Then you find a spark with the guy. Then you start hanging around in private with him. Then think that you should have met the guy before you met your husband. Then your husband(as in every marriage) gets you mad for something. So friend becomes a shoulder to cry on. And then a D to ride on. 

You are playing a very dangerous game. That wont turn out OK. Again its already started

Find a hobby. Any hobby. You have a kid, hang around moms groups, its very popular thing for new mothers. Just dont go seducing your husbands best friend because you feel lonely.

Woah! Relax! I am not seducing anyone. Nor do I want to seduce anyone. The fact that I am here talking to people means I am asking for help from other people rather than going to him for a “shoulder to cry on”. If I really wanted to, I could find a million and one ways to initiate a conversation with him. But I’m not doing that, am I? You don’t need to denigrate me needlessly. 

[Seraphim]

Do you and your husband have an opportunity for date nights? Can you get a trusted sitter ? Is there a hobby you and your husband always wanted to do together ? 

[Ad_Bc]

1 hour ago, melancholy123 said:

I lived on a farm for 26 yrs where we were the new people the whole time!  Never did fit in despite trying really hard.  So I  get it.  Dont let the isolation stop you.

I helped at my kids' school from time to time and basically I was about as lonely as you could get.  Then I decided I wanted to learn to play guitar so I joined the local music school and took lessons and after 5 yrs of that I joined the school band.  Not bad for someone in their 40s!  Bass player in a classic rock n blues band.  That lead me to meet so many more people and make friends, which is what I needed.

I'm not saying take up guitar, but find a hobby you like and get involved with it.  Those stuffy farm people who rejected me didnt know what they missed out on, I could have been a good friend if they'd let me.  So I found my friends elsewhere.

This is inspirational, the type of story that gives this seemingly hopeless situation I am in, as in my current living situation, a glimmer of hope. 
 

“The stuffy farm people” seem to be in league with my “stuffy town people”. I’ll keep working to find something. Thank you for not being judgemental and for sharing your story. 

[Ad_Bc]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, I live abroad too. So, I get what you mean about feeling like an outsider. It’s not always as simple as joining groups or volunteering. There are often many other cultural and social nuances to it. 

To clarify, is there any language barrier? I learned the local language where I live now, but perhaps that’s not an issue for you. 

Yes, there is a huge language barrier. I do go to classes to learn the language. But as I said, there is something about this place that makes people not want to  reach out to people. I met a woman in my class who lives in the same town and she is literally disinterested in making friends despite knowing we live in the same town. I don’t want to force myself unto anybody. 

[Ad_Bc]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with language.  Where I moved was very different culturally despite speaking the same language and I was a good 10 years or more older than the other moms (where I lived before older moms were far more typical) - and I don't drive and where I live now is a huge driving "culture" so I get it's not easy.  I have met many people who moved to my city from abroad and befriended a number of them (sometimes they then returned to their home country and I stayed in touch as I could).

I am in the same predicament. I am in my late 30s, moms here are usually around late teens to early 20s. It’s not easy to relate. It’s dead here, you can’t even see people walking on the streets. There’s one bare that only drunkards go to, no mall, 2 restaurants. Everyone just seems to keep to themselves. People here only seem to want to talk once they are drunk. 

[Ad_Bc]

10 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Do you and your husband have an opportunity for date nights? Can you get a trusted sitter ? Is there a hobby you and your husband always wanted to do together ? 

Not really, there isn’t really a place in my town for a date night. We would have to drive to the city to do that. And that would mean we need to leave our child with someone overnight. 

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered moving to your home country and working out a divorce and custody arrangement with your husband? Even having this one man to talk to, it won't solve the overall problem of the location, language and mentality differences

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Ad_Bc said:

Not really, there isn’t really a place in my town for a date night. We would have to drive to the city to do that. And that would mean we need to leave our child with someone overnight. 

Can your in laws take her over night ? Date night doesn’t just include going out . You can make date nights at home too . Take up hiking with your husband . Are there nature parks near you? Walking trails ? You need to find something to do together that you enjoy . 

[Tinydance]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you considered moving to your home country and working out a divorce and custody arrangement with your husband? Even having this one man to talk to, it won't solve the overall problem of the location, language and mentality differences

I agree with this. I noticed everyone basically gave the advice like: "Don't cheat on your husband and work it out with your husband". I agree that it would be bad to cheat with this guy. But taking the guy out of the picture completely, she has written a number of things that make her unhappy in her relationship with her husband. She said that they don't have much in common or an emotional or conversational connection. They're not intimate and she's unhappy. I don't think it's useful to give the advice like: "Well just work it out". 

If she wants to work it out with her husband then yes she needs to find ways to do that and to work on the marriage and distance from her husband's friend.

However if she's really unhappy with her husband and in this country and it makes her miserable then I don't actually think she has to be with her husband forever just because they married and have a child. This is just my personal belief but the actual point of being in a relationship is that you're happy in that relationship. 

I understand what it would feel like to be really lonely in a new country, not speak the language and have no friends. Also is the husband making any effort to actually include her in his life and have her spend time with his friends and family? She's new there so it's his job to help her settle in and get to know people he knows too.