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Ended 6 year friendship.. am i the one in the wrong? Am I toxic?


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I (F,22) ended it with a friend(F,24) of 5-6 years recently. We had an argument because I was hurt that she was talking to a friend, let's call them "M", and added him as a friend and everything and I was really hurt about it bc I missed them and was hurt about them which I've spoken to her about before so it's not like she had 0 clue. She didn't tell me but I found out from my friend "D" because he had a feeling I wouldn't like it either, he was in the talking stage with her at that time and warned her that he would not like it if she spoke with his friends but he still gave her the free will to do what she wants. Mind you I've also warned her many many times to not make the wrong move with him because he is lonely and heartbroken and going through things and won't tolerate it but she genuinely seemed to really like him.

When I brought up to her how I felt about her all of a sudden speaking to M every day she told me that she wasn't planning to be their friend and she can just stop talking to them and I said okay. However, it seemed that even tho she told me she wasn't planning to be their friend she kept wanting to talk about this which lead to an argument, I mean if she didn't care why are we arguing about this. When she told me she'd stop talking to them she over-explained to M why she would stop talking to them because she felt the need to let them know why before abruptly not speaking to them ever again when M screenshot the message and sent it to my boyfriend, since they are good friends and with each other and with D I was really upset because she explained my feelings to them when I never gave her the permission to so I took it as her trying to be petty because what she said was uncalled for

When we had the argument she didn't understand why I was upset no matter how many times I explained my feelings with 100% honesty and vulnerability to her so I was growing more frustrated during it but she did try to keep calm however it felt like I was not being heard at all and we had finally come to an understanding at the end of it after I once again calmly explained why I was upset and she apologized and told me that she understood how I felt now and everything seemed fine. During the argument, she said that she thought it was best if we didn't have mutual friends anymore and I was like ok whatever since it's your idea do whatever and she unadded everyone even my friend (D) who she was talking to with no explanation but yet she felt the need to give (M) an explanation. I don't even talk to her friends anyways but after the argument and when we made up she wanted to take that back and have mutual friends again which meant she wanted to talk to (D) again.

(D) didn't want anything to do with her anymore as I have warned her but she still sent him a message and he ignored it. After that, she was acting strange to me and dry and when I asked her what was wrong she wouldn't give me an answer and she'd lie saying something else. Her friends were leaving the group chat me and she made and then lastly she left. So I asked her one more time but right after I asked her I said never mind and cut her off on everything because I was tired at that point. Not only tired because of that whole situation but tired of her in general.

Reasons, why I was tired, is before this situation happened, probably earlier n the month or the month before, I asked her to not message a certain person because they randomly say malicious things to me for no reason and called me a slur because she wanted to send him a meme. She told me she will respect that. Later on, she tweets on Twitter laughing about how people tell her not to do something but she still does it and I didn't think that had any relation to me till later she shows me a screenshot of her sending it to the person I asked her not to, I'm not sure why she sent me that like its funny when she crossed a boundary that I placed for a serious reason but she always acts selfishly. Another time is when she asked me to help her make a group chat for these new friends she made so I was also in the group chat and she wanted to make a category in the group chat where only she and these two other girls can talk privately, at first I thought I would be included but then she asked me how can she kick me out which meant she wanted to exclude me. She's apologized for these things and of course, I've forgiven her and moved on but these things still add up because you cannot erase the past.

So it made me think if I should even be upset about losing her as a friend. Despite those times, I felt that she was a great friend and did maybe really love me. And if you're wondering I am not perfect either, but I've never done anything to her before except for getting really angry during times that she has hurt me which is something I should work on. Anyways, now we are no longer friends, today I confronted one of her friends about one of her friends harassing and attacking me a couple of times because I thought she made her friend do it. But this has got me thinking that I'm upset by everything she's done, I'm upset that she told every single one of her friends about the fight we had between us and now they all despise me somehow, and I feel guilty but I did nothing but express how hurt I was. Am I the terrible person here? Because her friends seem to think I am but my boyfriend and my boyfriend's friend (E) think my feelings are valid.

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1 hour ago, cloudy99 said:

my boyfriend and my boyfriend's friend (E) think my feelings are valid.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You can't tell people who to be friends with.

There's no right or wrong. Your BF is just being supportive. 

Its best not to gossip or start a smear campaign. Just walk away.

Leave her and her people alone.

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Posted (edited)

I think we need more context. 

Why don't you want her talking to this M person? 

It is unclear to me why you have tried to manage her other friendships or act as an intermediary with D. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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She liked M but she didnt like D so she moved to M after D tried something? That is if I understand correctly lol

I dunno, on one hand, its their business. On the other, you were within the rights to say something. Its way to convoluted anyway and she acts very "poisonous" about the whole situation so its not that big of  a loss.

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I think it's better if you cared less what she says or does. I'm sorry you are no longer friends but it sounds for the best because she seems like trouble.

Avoid telling anyone who they can talk to or who to befriend. That is not love or affection for a friend. It's controlling and toxic. When someone hurts you rethink the friendship and take some time to think about what went wrong. 

You can choose from then on whether to repair that friendship or whether it truly is a lost cause.

Don't approach her or her friends. They appear not to want to have anything to do with you or your friends, vice versa. Leave them alone going forward, make new friends. 

 

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17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You can't tell people who to be friends with.

There's no right or wrong. Your BF is just being supportive. 

Its best not to gossip or start a smear campaign. Just walk away.

Leave her and her people alone.

I dont think I was clear, but she never knew this person she only heard me talking about that person and about how hurt I was about losing touch with them. I know its not good to tell people who they can and cant be friends with, which i've stated to her as well but if its someone that a good friend is sad about, why choose that person to try and be friends with? I'm not looking to be right I guess I just want my feelings validated and to stop feeling like i'm the evil one in the end.

(Also, i'm not really one to gossip or start anything since I am pretty shy and introverted and dont have many friends to begin with.)

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5 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I think it's better if you cared less what she says or does. I'm sorry you are no longer friends but it sounds for the best because she seems like trouble.

Avoid telling anyone who they can talk to or who to befriend. That is not love or affection for a friend. It's controlling and toxic. When someone hurts you rethink the friendship and take some time to think about what went wrong. 

You can choose from then on whether to repair that friendship or whether it truly is a lost cause.

Don't approach her or her friends. They appear not to want to have anything to do with you or your friends, vice versa. Leave them alone going forward, make new friends. 

 

 

I dont think I was clear, but she never knew this person she only heard me talking about that person and about how hurt I was about losing touch with them. I know its not good to tell people who they can and cant be friends with, which i've stated to her as well but if its someone that a good friend is sad about, why choose that person to try and be friends with? I'm not looking to be right I guess I just want my feelings validated and to stop feeling like i'm the evil one in the end.

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16 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

She liked M but she didnt like D so she moved to M after D tried something? That is if I understand correctly lol

I dunno, on one hand, its their business. On the other, you were within the rights to say something. Its way to convoluted anyway and she acts very "poisonous" about the whole situation so its not that big of  a loss.

I dont know if she liked M or not, its only been a few days since her and M started talking everyday so I only know for sure she liked D. To sum up the story she started talking to someone (M) who I was sad about not being able to talk to and cried about since making friend is big thing to me, which she knew about because I've spoken to her about it before she met him. But she started talking to them everyday and I felt hurt about it. I just wanted to know if my feelings were valid and if im in the wrong for how I felt and dealt with the situation. 

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17 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I think we need more context. 

Why don't you want her talking to this M person? 

It is unclear to me why you have tried to manage her other friendships or act as an intermediary with D. 

The M person is someone i've spoken to her about before she somehow started talking to them. I've told her before she met them that I was really upset that I couldnt talk to them anymore for personal reasons (she knows why) and have even cried about it to her. Then i find out shes being friendly with them and talking to them everyday, finding that out really hurt a lot because she acted like she cared about how that person made me feel and the next she's trying to be their friend ( I do not hate M by the way or dislike them). She someone that loves to makes friends and has so many friends and makes friends all the time but out of anyone, why did she choose the person her friend was sad about? It feels like she does not consider my feelings a lot of the times. But at the same time I am wondering if I am wrong for feeling this way. I did tell her that i know its bad to tell someone who they can and cannot talk to but i've never done anything like that to her other than this situation bc its something that hurt me, not because im trying to be petty. Also, it was her idea to stop talking to them, not mine. But it seems she had a hard time with that decision after she said it.

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Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, cloudy99 said:

I dont think I was clear, 

True. You keep saying "them" so it's confusing who you're talking about. If you could simplify and clarify what bothers you except that a friend is taking to someone you don't get along with, that would make things clearer. From what you wrote, you feel betrayed that whoever "they" are talked to " them" , "they" hurt you so you are mad at "them" become "they" talked to "them". You can't manipulate people into only being friends with who you dictate. Now you want everyone to dislike "them" because "they" talked to "them" and telling everyone who'll listen that "they" are mean because "they" talked to"them". Take a deep breath and relax. Let people be who they want to be.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

True. You keep saying "them" so it's confusing who you're talking about. If you could simplify and clarify what bothers you except that a friend is taking to someone you don't get along with, that would make things clearer. From what you wrote, you feel betrayed that whoever "they" are talked to " them" , "they" hurt you so you are mad at "them" become "they" talked to "them". You can't manipulate people into only being friends with who you dictate. Now you want everyone to dislike "them" because "they" talked to "them" and telling everyone who'll listen that "they" are mean because "they" talked to"them". Take a deep breath and relax. Let people be who they want to be.

 

no, i dont want to manipulate or dictate or for my bestfriend to dislike the person because thats simply not my intentions. I understand that you are just a stranger and don't personally know me or my situation completely so i still appreciate that you take time to answer. But after speaking with someone, they told me its not okay to tell someone who they can and cant talk to even if the person is someone they just met who they knew hurt you, which was something im still shocked by but I can learn to accept. Because for me and how I am, if my bestfriend was in my shoes and i was in hers and she came to me telliing me she was uncomfortable with me talking to and trying to become friends with someone that caused her to feel that way and it hurts her a lot since she confided in me about that person a lot, I would care more about my best friend over someone that she felt hurt over and knew for not even a quarter of the time i've known my best friend because i've known her longer and I care about her more. I personally would never even try to become friends with someone that hurt my bestfriend in the first place, i wouldnt have ill feelings towards them but I would just not be their friend because whats the point? why would i want to get to know them and why with someone my best friend is hurt about? I guess thats personally my values and where my loyalty to my best friends stands. And then there are people who have opposite values and would say, I don't really care what my best friend feels I will become this persons friend anyways because she cant control who i can and cant talk to and she can deal with it or leave, and i learned that this is not a wrong thing to think either which is a view that I never thought was normal and I have to get used to it. I leaned a while ago that in the end,  neither of us were wrong (by the way i did not tell her to stop talking to this person she just met, it was her idea and i just agreed). Everyone just has different values and it's best to find people who have the same values that I do in friendships. 

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8 hours ago, cloudy99 said:

 

I dont think I was clear, but she never knew this person she only heard me talking about that person and about how hurt I was about losing touch with them. I know its not good to tell people who they can and cant be friends with, which i've stated to her as well but if its someone that a good friend is sad about, why choose that person to try and be friends with? I'm not looking to be right I guess I just want my feelings validated and to stop feeling like i'm the evil one in the end.

You’re not evil. I don’t believe anyone is unless you’re cooking things alive and leaving chip packets open. Only know that you alone are in charge of what goes in/comes out of your life and you can choose to put this to rest without anyone else’s validation. As I said earlier as well, she sounds like trouble either way. It’s ok to let go of this friend.

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1 hour ago, cloudy99 said:

 if my bestfriend was in my shoes and i was in hers and she came to me telliing me she was uncomfortable with me talking to and trying to become friends with someone.

You're over explaining yourself. She's not you and you are not her. Live and let live. Stop trying to control everyone and everything.

Let her be who she is and be friends with who she wants. You do the same.

Learn sooner rather than later in life that trying to force your friends to be enemies with your enemies is manipulative and catty.

 

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1 hour ago, cloudy99 said:

And then there are people who have opposite values and would say, I don't really care what my best friend feels I will become this persons friend anyways because she cant control who i can and cant talk to and she can deal with it or leave,

Exactly. 

While you might not be M's biggest fan, you also don't get a say in who she befriends. It's best not to make it about you, because their friendship isn't about you. You've personalized something that doesn't concern you, and made it into a test of loyalty, which isn't very fair. 

However, you are free to dissociate yourself from all these people. If M does things you don't agree with and your best friend shares M's ways, well, that's not a friend that's very compatible with you anyway. 

 

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5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're over explaining yourself. She's not you and you are not her. Live and let live. Stop trying to control everyone and everything.

Let her be who she is and be friends with who she wants. You do the same.

Learn sooner rather than later in life that trying to force your friends to be enemies with your enemies is manipulative and catty.

 

I don't think you read everything I say and that you shut your eyes closed and point to whatever sentence I say and think that one sentence  is the whole point of what i'm saying. You aren't being helpful by doing that but thats what I get for thinking a stranger could help me with an inner conflict. You cant help me if you cannot see both sides. But I already came to a fair conclusion so what you're saying isn't relevant anyways. Perhaps you're relating a similar situation you've been in and taking it out on me? See I can pull random assumptions out of my ass about a stranger I never met too and apply it to them in their situations too. 

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Posted (edited)

Bottom line, as someone else pointed out, she sounds like bad news. No, you can't dictate what others do or who they are friends with. But you can make your own decisions based on those things. I had to end a friendship once, in my early 20s. Different circumstances, but similar in that I felt she was not being a good friend. I never ended a friendship before (or after) and it felt weird. But it also felt good because (despite my uncertainty and consternation) I was standing up for myself. I never looked back. It's been 20 years and I still think I made the correct decision. So, give it some thought and do what's best for you.

Edited by Jibralta
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There is no 'right' or 'wrong' when it comes to how we feel. If you felt hurt, that's not something anyone can argue with.

I can only speak for myself in terms of how I'd handle this. It would depend on whether I'll be in forced socialization with this girl for any length of time, such as with a school campus or a small town.

If so, I'd just consider her my frienemy, and she'd never know what I learned. I'd just stop confiding in her. 

This lack of confrontation would be for my own sake, not hers. I'd want to retain the freedom to coexist and socialize without enemies until the day I can exit the scene. So the girl could friend-up with whoever she wanted and keep whatever secrets, because no fight from me wouldn't mean we're besties anymore. 

If this girl ever apologizes to you, you may want to consider accepting the apology even while you keep your distance, just because it would liberate YOU and make YOUR life easier to drop a preoccupation with who is a friend versus who is a foe.

Hypervigilance is a tough way to live, when you can just withdraw your investment instead.  

It's not about 'right,' it's about deciding whether she's worth a fight.

Head high.

 

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