Did I just "win" the NC battle? Now what?

[Royltnxile]

Been 3 1/2 months since break up. No contact for last 2 1/2 months.

 

Anyway, She called me twice on Sunday, once at my home phone (330pm), no message, and once on my cell phone (730pm). No messages either time. This is the first time she has attempted to contact me in about 2 months, despite me sending her two cards. It has been about a month since I sent the last one.

 

What would be her deal with the no messages thing?

 

Should I call her later in the week and say "saw that you called..blah blah"?

 

She went out of her way Friday night to talk to friends of mine that she doesn't know that well when she saw them out at a bar. She wasn't "with" anyone, but was with a group of her work people as far as my friends could tell.

She asked about me. They told her I was doing great and had bought a new boat, but didnt really say too much more. Could seeing my friends have activated her curiosity and caused her to call?

 

If she really does miss me and does desire to maybe get reinvolved with me wouldnt she be leaving messages?

 

Why would she call me at all?

 

Maybe this NC stuff really does work regarding the "time to miss someone" and "absense makes the heart grow fonder" concepts?

 

Although she didnt leave messages I'm happy as hell to see her name on my caller id's because I feel like my "NC" efforts have paid off and that I have "won" in a big way because SHE broke down and called me, just as I thought she would eventually. So now after she has contacted me, that means I WIN!

 

Do I continue the "NC" and make her leave me a message before I call her back? Or pick up the phone next time she does call?

 

I realize that after what she did to me (broke up out of the blue just when things were getting good between us", she should have to work damn hard to be reinvolved with me. I truly think there is something there between us, just as there always has been. I dont want to get my hopes and read too much into the fact that she called me...but it's hard not to.

 

Suggestions????????????????????????????????/

[DragonGirl724]

Good Lord. i wish nobody ever brought up "NC"!!!!!!!!!!!

 

and by you sayin did you "win" COME ON!!! is this a game that winning should be taking place?? people on here try to cheat fate & think that "NC" is this heaven sent idea that will bring back any & all of your exs.

 

im sorry but GET REAL! IF EVERYONE GOT BACK WITH THEIR EXS THEYD NEVER EXPERIENCE ANYONE NEW!!!! ASK YOURSELF: WOULD YOU GET BACK WITH AN EX THAT YOU DIDNT LOVE ANY LONGER? EVEN IF THEY DID "NC" OR NOT!? NO YOU WOULD NOT!

 

your ex contacted you b/c she wanted to talk to you, PLAIN & SIMPLE! NOW DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. if you want to talk to her, call her, if you dont...then DONT! with you not being around maybe shes just interested in what youve been up to! this doesnt mean she wants to get back.

 

THEY ONLY COME BACK IF THEY WANT TO...WITH OR WITHOUT "NO CONTACT"!!

 

"Could seeing my friends have activated her curiosity and caused her to call?

 

If she really does miss me and does desire to maybe get reinvolved with me wouldnt she be leaving messages?

 

Why would she call me at all?

 

Maybe this NC stuff really does work regarding the "time to miss someone" and "absense makes the heart grow fonder" concepts?

 

I KNOW people come here for suggestions, but think about this...we have no idea who she is, so how the heck can we interpret her actions & read her mind? she PROBABLY had a spark of interest to see what youve been up to. END OF STORY.

 

-DG724

[DragonGirl724]

would you be over analyzing ANY OF THIS if you werent interested in her? NO. youd probably see if for what it really is, think nothing more of it & youd let it go. so my suggestion is to look at it the same way. dont let NOSTALGIA cloud reality.

 

-DG724

[GettingOverIt]

I agree... NC should never be used a weapon or a tool to get at someone or to get someone 'back.'

 

NC is for those people trying to get over an EX, to move past the things that keep bringing up the past. NC is not a game, not a battle...

 

If a person chooses to employ NC, they should do it with the intention of getting their own life back in order. If the other person 'breaks' NC, then that needs to be evaluated from the instigator's point of view. In english, what I am saying is this: If *I* start NC, and months later, my ex 'breaks' NC and contacts me, then *I* have to decide if I am ready to handle that - am I ready to deal with the ghosts and demons of this past relationship WITHOUT falling into the trap of 'getting her back?' If the answer is "NO," then for me, I would stick to NC until I was completely over the past feelings...

 

You did not "WIN" here, in my opinion... If your goal was to use NC as a means to 'make' her come back to you, then you used MANIPULATION in order to achieve that... Is that really how you'd want to start/rekindle a relationship?? Based on manipulation??? Hmm.. Something to think about...

[socalguy123]

well, I have to say, as petty as it may seem/sound, "GOOD FOR YOU!" I mean, she dumped you. Not the other way around. Now, you have something of the upper hand.

 

Question is, what do you want? If you really want her back, and she seems to want to keep in touch, you may have a chance. But, I wouldn't put too much hope into it. If you do, and it doesn't work out because you got your hopes up--GUESS who'll be HANGING OUT HERE for another 6 months??!!

 

Hehe. Seriously, I think DG724 said it right about just looking at her calls as just another person. If you're completely healed, that is. If you've moved on, helps as well. If you've been holding your breath all this time, waiting for her to turn around (which I don't think is the case, but ya never know), then it may be a little more difficult.

 

Cheers!

[Royltnxile]

Well, here's the tough part.

 

We never really had any closure on either parts. She has issues with herself that makes her a relationship trainwreck. (low self esteem,anxiety, depression, commitment conflicts, insecurity..etc.)

 

I have taken the VERY high road throughout the whole thing. Let her know how I feel via a letter once, told her right after the break up that I understood her issues and I was there for her. DID NOT beg, plead, grovel, or chase her...and I have been very adamant with the "no contact" for 2 reasons. 1) to heal myself. 2) yes, hoping that maybe in order for her to realize she f*cked up by breaking it off with me, I needed to remain aloof, distant, and generally not around her (no contact). It wasn't to "manipulate" her back by any means. I just wasn't going to fall into that "friend" trap with her because I feel like that sells myself short and given my feelings for her, would have been too torturous for me.

 

As far as the feeling of "winning", it feels that way because I could have easily called her soooooo many times but NEVER did. Now she has called me so that's why it feels like a "victory". I stuck to my guns.

 

I'm not sure what I want from her. My feelings for her are generally as strong as they ever were, but I'm not really "hung up". My life is pretty much in order, I'm meeting new people, going out with friends, starting an amazing summer with my new boat and all my boating friends.

 

I definitely want to consider dating her again and hope she feels the same way. I just question her motives for the call because I have no idea what she wants until she comes out and says it.

 

Thats why I see the not leaving messages thing as strange. With her and the way she is I think maybe she just doesn't know what to say because I think it's very hard for a dumper to contact a dumpee alot of times, especially if the dumper feels guilty and remorseful, and might want the dumpee back. It's a pride thing I think. Not sure if this is her situation, but i's something to consider.

 

I do know this. Everything between us was always positive and she really has NO reason NOT to want me back at some point.

 

I think I will take Dragongirls advice and NOT WORRY ABOUT IT. If she is truly curious and desires to see me, she will call again right? Plus, she dumped me...so if she does want me back SHE should be working like the devil to prove to me she's sincere right?

[DragonGirl724]

I think I will take Dragongirls advice and NOT WORRY ABOUT IT. If she is truly curious and desires to see me, she will call again right? Plus, she dumped me...so if she does want me back SHE should be working like the devil to prove to me she's sincere right?

 

you are correct. and it would be up to you whether or not to give it a second whirl.

 

take care,

-DG724

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Dragon actually you are wrong. NC .does increase probability. The evidence is overwhelming both imperically and scientifically. It isn't magic, but it is the first of several steps you can do to increase odds.

And that's half of what it is all in the end really, odds.

People romantacize and appreciate what they had more.

Me, I am less interested in getting a lover back these days than I am about love & the nature of power over people. Not because I want to manipulate or hurt anybody. Call it morbid curiosity.

[DragonGirl724]

NB,

The evidence is overwhelming both imperically and scientifically.

no offense but where are these stats in which you are referring to?

 

dude what it comes down to is that people only come back to the ones they love if they love them still. not everytime they contact or dont contact a person will it make them love you again. and that needs no scientific proof, its just common sense.

 

NB, if YOU ask yourself: "if an ex of mine that i was over & done with tried to use NO Contact to win me back, even though i dont want to be with her anymore, WILL IT WORK ON ME??"

 

answer that honestly, come on, its not black magic, its quite rediculous to think elsewise.

 

ive had exs all which NC was proformed and those without NC and ive had various outcomes. some came back, some didnt....both with & without "NC". its all about what the heart wants. and reguardless i took back none. just because my heart has moved on, along with a lot of other people's in the world.

 

if someone "misses you" and wants to say hello. THAT DOESNT MEAN THEY WANT TO GET BACK WITH YOU.

 

-DG724

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

What I am suggesting isn't black magic. What I am suggesting is basic psychology. People often romantacize about what they no longer have and began to want it even more.

Love and feelings aren't very clear cut. People often start to rethink their decisions quicker and feel these things more strongly under pressure.

There has to still be what attracted them to you in the first place still there. Hence totally changing your personality (or more likely, more likely revealing a diff one) strong betrayal, finding out they weren't the person you thought they were, all this can prevent this.

But if there was still the things that you found attractive there, than they start to rethink this.

Plus I hate to say it, people are ultimately all insecure and somewhat narcacistic. (which is why they prefer most of the time to talk about themselves when not gossiping) and they are also very social -- they start to miss the loss of bonds, the loss of affection torwards them, and the qualities they found endearing.

This can be excacerbated by the way that person "present" his or herself when they return call. Although this seems to work for most people, depending upon the persons age is how you behave. Showing confidence and witholding affection but not being mean or abusive can raise your value because they are remembering what they like and are now seeing you as a challenge.

What I am suggesting basically goes along with what everything from Karl Marx to our own capitialist like culture sees in products we often see in people. Absorbtion.

Love is often as much about wanting to absorb people and be absorbed as anything and the challenge of it. Which is the infatuation stage. Basically what you do is rekindle the first stage of love, infatuation.

If you don't believe me, check out all the sections on relationships at barnes and nobles. I spent about four hours on one day and started reading all the books on relationships, flirting, getting back together, healing, and seduction. Then I checked it out on the web (I can give you some links if you like) comparing what they all said that was consistent with each other. Super Flirt by Tracy Cox is one book.

Finally, I am NOT saying this will definitely work. That's magic.

I am saying that it increases your odds quite a bit -- esp if there was a close emotional connection when you left.

[WebChick]

I am a BIG advocate of NC...but DragonGirl IS very right in what she's saying. Using NC should never be used in the hopes that an ex wil come back...they have to come back of their own violation...not because they feel "guilted"..or coerced in any way. The heart wants what it wants...period. No sort of NC, begging , pleading, crying is truly going to bring someone back...and if it does it's most likely out of guilt or pity..and who wants someone on THOSE terms anyway??

NC is a tactic to be used for self help purposes...if a reconciliation comes as a result, then that's just a bonus ...

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

NC doesn't usually work because of guilt.

The feelings are just as legitimate as in the beginning. Yes, it is manipultive, but so what if you are doing them a favor?

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

I have noticed that by being unavailable girls take a lot more interest in me than most of them they ever did when I was ALWAYS available.

It's the EXACT same thing with NC except you have the power of memory influencing them as well.

Manipulation can sometimes be a good thing if you know you are a really good person anyway and are doing them a favor.

[quing]

Well I think NC should be used as a weapon, a weapon of self defence that is, for yourself, your self esteem, your pride and your dignity.

Once they have done the running away why give them any of your time, The moment they decide to themselves they are to great and high almighty to be around you and walk out then take the opportunity to rise way above them, they don't deserve a second more of your valuable personality, save it for people who deserve it and have earned your respect.

 

You say you have won the NC thing as she is now calling you, well I can see why that feels like a good thing for you, but don't kiss your ex's ****, Don't act greatful that she is calling like she is the queen or something, You should feel like your the one she would be lucky to have a few minutes of your time with.

Let her kiss your **** but mean while keep window shopping and checking the scenery out.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

NB,

 

I have to agree with Dragongirl. NC will get the person back if and only if they are still have feelings for you. I do see where you're coming from though. You're basically talking about "absense makes the heart grow fonder". If you're not available, the other person misses you more. While I agree that's true in some cases, it will only bring back a partner if they in fact miss you.

 

Me, I originally used NC and told myself that I was using it to heal, when in fact I was secretly hoping that my ex would see reason and come running back. 2 months later, I finally accepted that she wasn't coming back and the fact that I wasn't talking to her anymore made it a lot more easier to accept that. It's scary how fast I moved on when I finally came to that realization, but it was because I wasn't in contact with the ex. And yes, during that time my ex would call and call but I would let the machine get it. She left messages asking me why I was mad at her and wanting to know why I suddenly broke off all contact. I listened to the first few messages, I'll admit, then I just started deleting them as soon as I heard her voice. Once I started doing that I realized I was on the road to recovery because although I'll always care about her, I know I could never trust her to not hurt me again so trying yet again, even if it was possible, was out of the question for me.

 

And that my friends is the true magic of NC. Allowing yourself to heal to the point where you can look at thinks objectively and make a decision that may not be what you want, but will be healthy and right for you.

[quing]

Yes DragonGirl really dislikes NC, unless that is, you are using it for 'good' instead of 'evil', in fact I am carrying it out on her right now, she knows this, I am just trying to see who will break first .

[Royltnxile]

I agree with Dragongirl about they "only come back if their heart leads them" back...or whatever, if they WANT to come back.

 

However, I agree with Napoleon about the benefits of NC. It is very true that being "unavailable" or not as available can do wonders for the relationship dynamic. I've been talking to a girl online, we met up and had a really great night together. Then she gets all wishy washy about committing to get together again...so I back way off and I stopped being so available to her, and basically stopped asking her to make plans...after about a week or so of this, and a couple of unreturned calls, she got all interested again and even accused me of "finding someone else closer to me..etc..etc.." (she lives a couple of hours away so not like anything serious is going to come of it anyway). So I've seen the principles of NC work. It's not science and there are no right or wrong answers to it, but it can work.

 

Absense makes the heart grow fonder.

People want what they can't have even more.

 

My ex is calling me again, not leaving messages, but still she is contacting me. I agree with Dragongirl....the ex calling doesn't necesarily mean that they want to get back. But if she does, well, she can keep getting more curious about what I'm up to. Maybe next time she will leave a message.

The thing that makes me happy is she IS thinking about me, one way or another.

 

I'm not even sure if I would take her back so easily right now anyway. Like I said, she would have to work pretty hard to prove herself to me again...and that's HER problem. By pushing me away and running from her feelings for me back in Feb, she changed the entire dynamic into my favor actually. Say she does realize that she made a huge mistake and wants me back....well, now it is in MY HANDS and MY CONTROL. By dumping me, SHE is the one running the risk of losing me forever. It's HER loss...I really didnt lose anything. She is missing out on the people, events, and activities that enrich my life....things she always enjoyed when we were together.

 

Even though I'm not sure I would take her back, I WANT her chasing me and begging to take me back! I guess it's a matter of pride in a way. Now I'm in the power position.

 

Let her wonder what I'm up to! The more she wonders, the more she will want me, and the more positive she will remember me. It's all good.

[quing]

Can I just say that NC has worked on me twice in the past with girls I have dumped, That is before I had even heard of the darn thing, yes I was a sucker and could not stand the silence, after 3 months I was pinning away for them and had t pluck up courage to call.

I think my ex's probally read about these 'Jedi' mind tricks in one of their girly mags.

[Royltnxile]

You say you have won the NC thing as she is now calling you, well I can see why that feels like a good thing for you, but don't kiss your ex's ****, Don't act greatful that she is calling like she is the queen or something, You should feel like your the one she would be lucky to have a few minutes of your time with.

Let her kiss your **** but mean while keep window shopping and checking the scenery out.

 

Exactly what I am saying Quing! I'm not planning on returning her call just because her # came up on my caller ID twice in one day on both my phones, home and cell. She wants to visit with me? Fine, she can leave me a message right? And even then, it will take me a few days maybe to call her back. The last thing I'm going to do is to "kiss her a**", and "make her feel like a queen". Not going to come accross as eager or anything, on the contrary. I'm just now feeling alot better about things and my feelings for her, although still pretty strong, have been pushed onto the back burner, where they belong! It's summer, I have great friends and good times every weekend out boating here on the river, and there are always plenty of women wanting to go boating. I'm just doing my thing, being the fun happy guy I always have been, and like I said in my last post...SHE IS THE ONE MISSING OUT ON BEING AN IMPORTANT PARTICIPANT IN MY LIFE. Her choosing not to be in it rigth now (my life) doesn't detract from my life's quality!

 

btw...Dragongirl is a hottie it looks like, from her pic.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Sorry, went off on a tangent.

 

Basically my advice to Roy is that if he is truly ready to talk to his ex with no expectation of getting her back, then I don't see the harm. If you're still wanting her back though, I wouldn't call.

 

If she wants you back and can't get a hold of you in person she would have left a message. Who would be able to hold that type of information in after all? My gut instinct is that she just called to see how you are. I'm sorry if this isn't what you were hoping to hear, but it's what my gut tells me.

 

If she does want to talk to you she can leave a message. Then you can decide with actual information, what step to take next. Until then, be strong, don't call her.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Lonely most of the time after break ups there are still feelings if there ever really was a deep connection. It's the loss of trust and how people conduct themselves during the break up that ruin the chances of getting back together.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Of course there are cases where poeple just grow apart, mostly when we find out more about what we want in life, but I am generalizing above anyway

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Lonely, we actually agree on almost everything. But i disagree about your statement she doesn't want him back.

I am suggesting she "doesn't know what she wants at this point. You have to do more than NC to woo them back. And besides that, she does NOT want to appear desperate and needy after breaking up with him.

He should pop back in her life in about three weeks, ignore whatever she says about who she is dating or has been, and act nice but indifferent, if he wants to turn her on.

[Royltnxile]

And thats exactly what I'm going to do! Sit tight and not call her. She will call again!

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Roy - Good to hear. You're not the one who should be begging for her back!

 

NB - It's true, that it MIGHT be the case that she called for other reasons than to catch up, but no one here really knows do we? Not even Roy. Him calling her now and if she wasn't interested in re-kindling the relationship would only serve to boost her ego and dampen Roy's. NC as a tool to get someone back is like trying to hammer in a nail with a sword. Sure, sometimes you'll hammer the nail in, but you're more likely to just hurt yourself.