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Am I wasting my time?


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So I've been talking to a man for a while now, seen him a few times but always been quite Friendly, it took me months literally to bring his walls down and open up a tiny bit to me and he finally admitted he did "like me" and was impressed I never gave up? Anyway things finally started to heat up a little bit, only a little bit, but he started flirt, hug, message all day long, finally start asking about me. Then... He has suddenly slowed it all down and I feel like we've gone back to 4 weeks ago when it was like pulling teeth. And since I mentioned it to him it seems to have gone worse also. He said he wants to take things slow but this is like watching paint dry 🙈 there are signs of hope or I wouldn't have invested all the effort I have done to keep talking to him and get to know him. However, it is me who always messages first, I reply really quick, maybe if I back off he may become interested again? It's literally doing my head in I can't think straight.

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4 minutes ago, Morgan 1234 said:

He said he wants to take things slow but this is like watching paint dry 🙈. it is me who always messages first, I reply really quick.

Is this your mechanic? He seems marginally interested, but mostly in friendship.

 

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I would assume he's not that into you, that you enjoyed the challenge and thrill of the chase - but it's a waste of time now -and move on.  I remember being really into a man like this when I was in college -knew him from college - we'd talk on the phone -really deep convos -sometimes see each other on campus and flirt.  Never got physical, never went on a date -I pined after him -he was a little dark in mood, a little distant -I ate it up.

But then he stopped calling.  He met his wife a couple of months later - they were on the same athletic team I think - -I think they're still married -since 1990 or so - he was so obviously into her from the beginning.  I'm glad I didn't continue the chasing/pursuing etc -I was able to get over it faster that way.  Just putting that out there and I hope you move on.  

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1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I would assume he's not that into you, that you enjoyed the challenge and thrill of the chase - but it's a waste of time now -and move on.  I remember being really into a man like this when I was in college -knew him from college - we'd talk on the phone -really deep convos -sometimes see each other on campus and flirt.  Never got physical, never went on a date -I pined after him -he was a little dark in mood, a little distant -I ate it up.

But then he stopped calling.  He met his wife a couple of months later - they were on the same athletic team I think - -I think they're still married -since 1990 or so - he was so obviously into her from the beginning.  I'm glad I didn't continue the chasing/pursuing etc -I was able to get over it faster that way.  Just putting that out there and I hope you move on.  

Thank you, I think your right. Well I will know asap when I stop starting convos tomorrow. It's such a shame because we share the same humour to the point I just think no one else cot make.me.laugh like this.

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Quote

Am I wasting my time?

If you have to ask, you probably do. 

He doesnt seem interested. Otherwise he would at least try something. Anything. Like trying to get you on a date. Like this, you have a crush on him and he enjoys having a fan. That is about it.

4 minutes ago, Morgan 1234 said:

Yes it is, things were starting to happen but it seems to have gone backwards, 🤦I definitely would have given up by now if it hadn't heated up a bit 

Just like Michael Corleone would say "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in" lol.

Its on you to stop that cycle. He enjoys your attention. Its on you to move on when its not progressing anywhere and leave him in the dust. You wont accomplish anything by playing games and backing off just so he would message you after he runs out of your attention. You would still be stuck with somebody where you are not getting anywhere. So, back off completely.

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39 minutes ago, Morgan 1234 said:

Yes it is, things were starting to happen but it seems to have gone backwards, 🤦I definitely would have given up by now if it hadn't heated up a bit 

How was it ever going forwards? How many times did he ask you out on proper dates and take you on dates?

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This was nothing to pin a single hope upon from the very start.  Sure, if you are interested, there is nothing wrong with flirting and trying, even if it's into a void.  But attributing any type of meaning to the specks of interest (he "admitted" he liked you?) that result from such hardcore efforts that you made is very bad for your own state of mind.  

You seem very familiar, so I will say the same thing I always say on these virtually interchangeable threads:  Texting / messaging "all day long" between people who don't really know each other is likely to lessen the chances of anything happening rather than increase them.   

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1 minute ago, Morgan 1234 said:

Once, I meant more the conversation. 

That's irrelevant because it's been a long time yes - and this person has only met up with you a few times -were those dates he planned in advance for the two of you? How often did he ask you out?  He's not interested in dating you.  Conversation is just words -and he knows you'll stroke his ego and flatter him by being at his beck and call to chat and flirt and he doesn't have to put in any effort to ask you out on a proper date.  Not a good look -for you.

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Just stop initiating anything. Relationships are about reciprocity and seeing whether you get along. Doing all the work is something you’ll have to explore on your own. Feeling like you have to keep pursuing something that is giving back so little in return. 

Are you addicted to the chase or do you like it when someone makes things difficult for you or treats you like crap? Leave him alone and spend more time with others.  

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5 hours ago, Morgan 1234 said:

it was like pulling teeth. And since I mentioned it to him it seems to have gone worse also.

I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds as though you've had tunnel vision. Someone who likes you well enough to want to date you won't require any pressure whatsoever--much less a tooth pulling.

Be gentle with yourself, and find a new focus to pursue. You'll thank yourself later.

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On 7/3/2022 at 4:09 PM, Morgan 1234 said:

I feel like such an idiot 🤦

It was not all in vain.  You've since gained wisdom which was your hard or harsh lesson learned and key takeaway.  You're no longer naive.

Live and learn just like everyone else. 

Take good care of yourself, Morgan 1234.

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