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Long time friend acting cold


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Was friends with girl I worked with 8 yrs ago and we kept in touch over the years.  The last 3 yrs we hung out doing various activities.  She's not someone who I felt understood me as a person but we got along & had many laughs.

This last year it all fell apart.  She's not one to share her true feelings as I saw passive aggressive behavior at times.  BTW I was always doing favors for her, especially getting groceries, Dr. appts etc.  Her husband was a bit of a deadbeat.  While I was out helping his wife, he was sleeping or watching TV.  Anyway, he was her choice.

Her sister died recently.  She did not text to tell me but announced it on FB.  I am her friend on FB.  I texted her as soon as I saw it and that I was so sorry for her loss.  She was dismissive and cold. I asked when the service was but she ignored my text.  I was peeved.  A week later she asks if I can pick her up & drive to airport.  Well that involved 2 hrs of my time plus gas costs.  I told her I couldn't and she replied 3 days later with "ok".  What?  This is it?  I'm just a taxi service?  

We were close and talked alot about our personal lives over the yrs so it wasn't a particularly casual relationship.

She was one for opening her mouth at inappropriate times.  For example,  she thought my lipstick looked clownish!! (???)  What kind of friend blurts out stuff like this which totally unnecessary??  I would never criticize a friend's appearance.  

I am not seeing her anymore 😕 but she still calls for free rides to physio and the liquor store.  I politely decline.

What did I do wrong in this friendship?  Help please. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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You acted like a doormat.  You teach people how to treat you. I have a friend with poor boundaries as far as calling and texting too much including when I’ve told her I am busy or that I will call her back when I can. So when she call again I ignore. When she texts I’ll give a short reply or no reply. Then I call when I can. I show her I’m not going to allow her to disrespect my time and boundaries. 

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23 minutes ago, Superstickyone said:

 I am not seeing her anymore 😕 but she still calls for free rides to physio and the liquor store.  I politely decline.

Good call. No one "needs" rides to the liquor store. It seems she is more of a user than a friend.

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43 minutes ago, Superstickyone said:

What did I do wrong in this friendship?

I wouldnt say "wrong" per se. You have been a good friend. Sadly, you need to learn that some people are not going to be appreciative of your help. And that they will take you for granted. Whether because you are a "doormat" or just because they are a lousy friends in general. Or lousy as a human beings. Some people are just not worthy of our time. No matter how much we want them to be.

You did good by removing her and by just politely declining doing favors for her. You dont need somebody like that in your life. Jus keep doing that and dont let her take advantage of you ever again.

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Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, Superstickyone said:

How does helping a friend make me a dormat?

It doesn't.  Helping a friend from a position of confidence and healthy boundaries is being a helpful friend.  Letting her walk all over you and coming back for more isn't "helping" -that's helping from a sense of insecurity and wanting approval from your "friend".  The fact that you phrased it that way tells me you know full well you chose to keep giving knowing it wouldn't be appreciated and knowing it would be followed by more demands but you're too scared to assert yourself in a healthful way.

If you like helping people - outside of friendship -do volunteer work.  If you want a friendship where you are there for each other that's great too.  But it's reciprocal -not in keeping score -just a sense of balance and knowing she would be there for me, too, in her own way.

Edited by Batya33
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Just to clarify, I was helping her because I cared and that being there is part of supporting your friends.  I understand what you say about boundaries.  Don't feel I helped out of insecurity and wanting her to like me.  There were times I had to say no to her requests for help. Most of the time I was free.

I feel the friendship changed somewhere along the line and she stopped liking me.  That's fine, I will move on.  I could not stand her disrespectful attitude.

I've learned to put a lid on being a someone's beck and call though. I have no problem telling her that she needs to call a cab when needing  a lift to get booze or groceries.

Seems to me helping too much gets you taken for granted 😕

 

 

 

 

 

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6 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

Was friends with girl I worked with 8 yrs ago and we kept in touch over the years.  The last 3 yrs we hung out doing various activities.  She's not someone who I felt understood me as a person but we got along & had many laughs.

This last year it all fell apart.  She's not one to share her true feelings as I saw passive aggressive behavior at times.  BTW I was always doing favors for her, especially getting groceries, Dr. appts etc.  Her husband was a bit of a deadbeat.  While I was out helping his wife, he was sleeping or watching TV.  Anyway, he was her choice.

Her sister died recently.  She did not text to tell me but announced it on FB.  I am her friend on FB.  I texted her as soon as I saw it and that I was so sorry for her loss.  She was dismissive and cold. I asked when the service was but she ignored my text.  I was peeved.  A week later she asks if I can pick her up & drive to airport.  Well that involved 2 hrs of my time plus gas costs.  I told her I couldn't and she replied 3 days later with "ok".  What?  This is it?  I'm just a taxi service?  

We were close and talked alot about our personal lives over the yrs so it wasn't a particularly casual relationship.

She was one for opening her mouth at inappropriate times.  For example,  she thought my lipstick looked clownish!! (???)  What kind of friend blurts out stuff like this which totally unnecessary??  I would never criticize a friend's appearance.  

I am not seeing her anymore 😕 but she still calls for free rides to physio and the liquor store.  I politely decline.

What did I do wrong in this friendship?  Help please. 

You were too giving to her and she took advantage of you.  Now block and delete. her so she cant continue to ask for rides etc.

6 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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7 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

She's not someone who I felt understood me as a person but we got along & had many laughs.

Okay, so you got along.. even though you felt she never 'understood' you.

( so things never truly felt right for you...?)

 

7 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

She's not one to share her true feelings as I saw passive aggressive behavior at times.  BTW I was always doing favors for her, especially getting groceries, Dr. appts etc.

You are well aware of her behviour, yet you chose to remain her friend.. even with all of her neediness ( You are maybe too nice.. can't say no?) .

Yup, I knew someone like this.. our friendship never made it past 2 years! ( same attitude & neediness as you got).

 

7 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

Her sister died recently.  She did not text to tell me but announced it on FB.  I am her friend on FB.  I texted her as soon as I saw it and that I was so sorry for her loss.  She was dismissive and cold. I asked when the service was but she ignored my text.  I was peeved.  A week later she asks if I can pick her up & drive to airport.  Well that involved 2 hrs of my time plus gas costs.  I told her I couldn't and she replied 3 days later with "ok".  What?  This is it?  I'm just a taxi service?  

First of all SHE just lost her sister 😕 . I doubt she was particularly thinking about YOU here.  Selfish really to expect her to be.

I'm sorry but in ways I can see you as rather upset about everything about her.  Why is it YOU are peeved?? Seriously.

IF it was so difficult for you to help her with her travels, fine enough, she can probably find another way. 

 

7 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

She was one for opening her mouth at inappropriate times.  For example,  she thought my lipstick looked clownish!! (???)  What kind of friend blurts out stuff like this which totally unnecessary??  I would never criticize a friend's appearance.  

Honestly, I think a true friend would.  Heck you'd rather them be honest about it and give you option to change that instead of going out in public with a shade that didn't suit you well -- right? ( I feel she was just being honest & informing you- but you took it offensively.  Understood but I suppose there's seeing it both ways here). 

 

Anyways, as I said, you have chosen to hang with someone you seem right uptight about!

Then just stop!  Stop hanging around some woman who seems to be using you, is passive aggressive and ticks you off so much.  Simple.

 

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2 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

Seems to me helping too much gets you taken for granted

Especially when you also say this:

8 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

she thought my lipstick looked clownish!! (???) 

8 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

She's not someone who I felt understood me as a person

It doesn't sound like this person was a great friend. Block her. 

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I’m sorry she lost her sister recently but she doesn’t sound like such a great person in general. Since she changed or you think she changed, just distance yourself and block her on Facebook eventually. 

You don’t need to keep getting her messages or continue to support someone who isn’t supportive of you. 

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8 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

Just to clarify, I was helping her because I cared and that being there is part of supporting your friends.  I understand what you say about boundaries.  Don't feel I helped out of insecurity and wanting her to like me.  There were times I had to say no to her requests for help. Most of the time I was free.

I feel the friendship changed somewhere along the line and she stopped liking me.  That's fine, I will move on.  I could not stand her disrespectful attitude.

I've learned to put a lid on being a someone's beck and call though. I have no problem telling her that she needs to call a cab when needing  a lift to get booze or groceries.

Seems to me helping too much gets you taken for granted 😕

I understand it's hard to know where the line is and when it's crossed.  When you found yourself resentful of her husband for not helping as much as you were that was a good sign that you'd had enough.  You have no idea if he is lazy, or perhaps suffering from depression, other mental health issues or a medical condition -but in your mindset -you're helping far more than you feel the energy for so your mind goes to these comparisons with scant information.  

Don't go the cynical route or the woe is me route - just will give you a tummy ache.  Some people get taken for granted, some people take others for granted.  In a friendship, help and keep an eye on whether you feel like that person would be there for you.  Treat people as individuals and avoid the sweeping negativity of "I'm such a caring person.  I help people so much.  I'm so good and everyone else is out to take advantage of me. Woe is me."

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9 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

Seems to me helping too much gets you taken for granted 😕

 

Not really. For example, last year I went out of the way to help a friend move in with his girlfriend. Even though I didnt have too and my schedule was not so free. It required multiple days of fixing his old home and moving stuff around. But I was glad to help and felt appreciated. And I know he would do the same for me.

You on the other hand do it for a friend that doesnt appreciate you and calls you just when she needs something. In your specific case a ride with the car. That kind of friendships are not friendships and need to be cut off. You need to separate people who want your friendship from people who just want it out of the convenience. And act in accordance to that.

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9 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

 

I feel the friendship changed somewhere along the line and she stopped liking me.  That's fine, I will move on.  I could not stand her disrespectful attitude.

This is all you really need to know.  I stopped being a friend to someone because they were not treating me well.  I was resentful of their words and actions. I outgrew them.  

I could have sat them down and nitpicked every thing abut them that I no longer liked and what wasn't "good enough for me".

but really, it's not anyone's place to tell you what is wrong with you in their opinion. They can decide they don't want to spend anymore time with you.  period.

they may have told you things (over time) that they didn't like and maybe you didn't take much notice.

Usually when a relationship ends, it's been building to that for a while.

I'm sorry.  It is hurtful but honestly, if she is only contacting you for rides and favors, then she is a user and not a great friend anyway. 

Try to remember the world is full of people, places and things. Focus on those that feel good and are healthy. Turn yourself and thoughts away from those that are not. 

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19 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

I was always doing favors for her, especially getting groceries, Dr. appts etc. 

In my world, I rarely ask for favors and would not appreciate numerous favors asked of me. People who overdo the asking don't care about the person they are using.

If a person has made poor choices for their life where they aren't financially able to afford transportation, you're enabling them to your own detriment.

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Her sister died.  That type of thunderbolt will never go away and similar to losing her mother or father.  😪

In your heart, I would cut her some slack.  Bereft people are extremely distressed and social graces are not in their brain cells.  However, it doesn't mean you should be at her disposal.  She is taking advantage of you.

Since she only contacts you out of her convenient necessity, text this:  "I'm sorry for your tremendous loss and please accept my deepest condolences.  I'm sorry but I'll decline chauffeuring.  Take care and sincerely, Your Name."  Or, you can send a postal sympathy card with the same handwritten message.  That type of text (or email / message / postal mail) is kind, gracious yet firm, steadfast and unwavering. 

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On 7/1/2022 at 8:03 PM, Superstickyone said:

How does helping a friend make me a dormat?

I've never asked a friend of mine to do any of these things, and I'd even be creeped out by someone asking to do them for me:

Quote

BTW I was always doing favors for her, especially getting groceries, Dr. appts etc.

Yeah...sorry, there's something unbalanced here.

I'd let go.

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5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I've never asked a friend of mine to do any of these things, and I'd even be creeped out by someone asking to do them for me:

Yeah...sorry, there's something unbalanced here.

I'd let go.

Yes. I think an exception is if a crisis just happened. When a friend suffers a loss I've offered to help and I offer specific things -like if I'm far away I offer to call people with the funeral details.  I;ve been asked to do similar things in a crisis - gone to someone's home to sit with them when they were released from the hospital and their other friend was running late, etc.  but not on a regular basis.  People hire sitters, aides, healthcare people, or avail themselves of community or agency services for that type of routine care and running errands.  I've helped friends get those services and it was clear to me they'd never ask me to do those services. 

My husband was recently asked last minute to rush to the airport in our city to meet his friend's teenage child because the dad was stranded at a different airport trying to get to her.  It was really disruptive for our family that day but he put his friend first.  The friend was so appreciative - and if this happened regularly no it would not be ok. 

I was asked to help my friend who lived downstairs when her baby had pnuemonia and an ear infection so my friend could do a one hour conference call - last minute -I went downstairs and helped.  But no I was not her sitter and no she would never have counted on me to be her fill in sitter.  There's a range that requires healthy boundaries and knowing you're not desperate to keep a "friendship" and will resort to being a doormat.  

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Posted (edited)

I am not that she has a drinking problem.  Don't believe so.

I feel like I was more of a convenience for her during the last year.  Although I've always helped her, in previous years she supported me during a job loss or other crises.  I felt a lot of emotional support but not anymore.

 

 

 

Edited by Superstickyone
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15 minutes ago, Superstickyone said:

I am not that she has a drinking problem.  Don't believe so.

I feel like I was more of a convenience for her during the last year.  Although I've always helped her, in previous years she supported me during a job loss or other crises.  I felt a lot of emotional support but not anymore.

 

 

 

Yes it sounds like it changed. I've experienced that with friendships too.  I have one former friend chasing me to be friends with her again.  She went MIA for over a year during the pandemic after acting flaky on and off before that.  I also tried to be supportive when she had medical and mental health conditions and job related issues. I had some concerns about her values and ethics.

  So the MIA was particularly rude.  Then she reached out again and I made it clear that while I wished her well I wasn't up for chatting/being in touch.  She's still trying.  It's tempting to be honest to give her another chance -she has some really good qualities, and we connect well but I have to care enough about me not to let myself be treated with such disrespect.

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Batya33.  I know what you mean about the disrespect.  Going MIA for a year without explanation leaves you hanging with many unanswered questions.  Someone with mental health & other issues may not obviously be the best communicator.  A simple text to say she's going through a hard time and needs to deal with it may at least have been kinder to you.  It's tempting to talk to her but you put up good boundaries so that the flakiness doesn't continue.  Good on you.

My friend also disappeared once for 6 mos only to return without much to say about it.  I did take her back however until recently.  I recently asked- does this person add anything to my life?  The answer was no.  Not one bit.  However I'm sure she's still up for using me, poking fun at my appearance and telling me how to run my life.  She frequently said the following:  I don't know anyone else who ...... (fill in the blank). 

Some relationships are a test of how much we value ourselves.  This one provided clarity in that regard. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Here's an example to me of how it should work.  I have a friend with  adult children.  One of her children started dating a woman who needed job advice. I was the right person to give this advice because I am in the same field.  I spent close to an hour speaking with her (lovely person) and more time looking over her resume and contacting other people who might be able to help. 

My actual friend was a new friend and in fact we have yet to meet in person -thanks covid (she and her children live in the area).  The woman I helped ended up getting a good job and was very appreciative of my help.  So was my friend.

Next week we are traveling overseas. My friend's other son recently returned from the very same country.  Random coincidence. 

My friend reached out to me yesterday -she told her son about my trip.  He offered to give us his extra euros and a travel guide to borrow. I was so surprised -my friend said her son offered.  So I am getting these items today.  I realized -my friend likely reminded her son how I'd helped her future daughter in law  - but her son reached out to me in a very generous and thoughtful way so obviously he was raised right LOL.

My point is these things are supposed to flow naturally - I never kept score.  I never expected a reward from my new friend because I helped the son's girlfriend.  I enjoyed helping a lot! But when you are with people who you basically know are good people, people of character and integrity- you have the comfort of knowing that if something comes up where they can reciprocate -they will -it will all flow naturally too.  When you feel yourself keeping score too much or watching your back or wondering too much if someone is taking advantage -clue into those signs that all is not right. 

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