Working with my Ex - Mixed Signals

[TrappingWire]

My ex and I parted ways about 3 months ago(8 month relationship, wasn't very serious, but there was no arguments or problems and we had a good connection). In the intervening time, she would never text me and only ever agreed to meet up once(on the street for a quick 1 minute conversation).

We work at the same place, but we have only started working together again a few weeks ago for the first time since the breakup. For the most part since we started working together again, we have connected quite well. We are at a stage now where we are teasing and laughing with each other and borderline flirting. I regularly catch her looking at me when I'm just walking around the workplace. I am 100% convinced when we are together face to face, that she still has a lot of feelings for me and she isn't just 'being nice' to me in work.

The problem that I have is that when I text her outside of work, she barely responds and maybe only gives one or two word replies to anything I send. She never messages me first. I've sent all types of messages - fun, boring, joke ones - they all get the same little uninterested responses. It's the same responses I was getting before we started to bond again in work. It's totally at odds to what I'm experiencing face to face. I only message her maybe a couple of times a week, so I don't think my messaging is bothering her and it's not that she's a 'non texting' type person either. 

I really like her and would love to start seeing her again. I think my next move is to ask her to hang out at lunch time some day and see if she's willing to do that.

Why would her in person interactions with me be so warm, while on the phone it's quite cold? Is she still battling with her feelings possibly and is able to control what she says on her phone more?

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, TrappingWire said:

We work at the same place, but we have only started working together again a few weeks ago 

Are either of you in other relationships? If you have to work together, keep it professional. There's no need to chitchat or meet outside of work.

[TrappingWire]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are either of you in other relationships? If you have to work together, keep it professional. There's no need to chitchat or meet outside of work.

No we are both single. I know you should never get involved with work colleagues for various reasons, but most of the year we don’t actually work together and I don’t see myself working there at all in the near future. I also don’t want to give up on someone I feel I could have something great with, just because we work at the same place. 

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, TrappingWire said:

No we are both single. I know you should never get involved with work colleagues for various reasons, but most of the year we don’t actually work together and I don’t see myself working there at all in the near future. I also don’t want to give up on someone I feel I could have something great with, just because we work at the same place. 

I married the guy I originally met at work but we never worked together (we worked at the same company for 1.5 years, dated for my last 6 months there.  That was the important part -huge company, didn't work together.  I would assume your ex is still attracted to you and likes you AND is not interested in dating you.  All of those things can be true.  Especially since you now work together I'd back off and not ask her out.  

People don't battle their feelings to that extent -if a person is available and interested to date that person chooses dating over the fear of whatever -of being vulnerable, etc.  Assume she is not interested in dating you however you are trying to interpret her emotional state.  If she becomes interested she will be direct about it and ask you out, etc because she knows you are interested in dating her.

[TrappingWire]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I married the guy I originally met at work but we never worked together (we worked at the same company for 1.5 years, dated for my last 6 months there.  That was the important part -huge company, didn't work together.  I would assume your ex is still attracted to you and likes you AND is not interested in dating you.  All of those things can be true.  Especially since you now work together I'd back off and not ask her out.  

People don't battle their feelings to that extent -if a person is available and interested to date that person chooses dating over the fear of whatever -of being vulnerable, etc.  Assume she is not interested in dating you however you are trying to interpret her emotional state.  If she becomes interested she will be direct about it and ask you out, etc because she knows you are interested in dating her.

That’s my gut feeling - she’s likes me a lot, but doesn’t want to go out with me. Seems like she doesn’t want to commit to a relationship and lead me into something only for both of us to get hurt a few months down the line again. 

But also, she’s not the type that would come to me if she wanted to date me. I feel I would have to ask her at some stage to find out, but I might hold back for a little while.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, TrappingWire said:

That’s my gut feeling - she’s likes me a lot, but doesn’t want to go out with me. Seems like she doesn’t want to commit to a relationship and lead me into something only for both of us to get hurt a few months down the line again. 

But also, she’s not the type that would come to me if she wanted to date me. I feel I would have to ask her at some stage to find out, but I might hold back for a little while.

I'd stop the analysis -could be a thousand reasons why she doesn't want to date you. Could be personal reasons or not.  I'd wait to ask her at a time when you're no longer working at the same place because it could come across as too pushy and get you in trouble.

[TrappingWire]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd stop the analysis -could be a thousand reasons why she doesn't want to date you. Could be personal reasons or not.  I'd wait to ask her at a time when you're no longer working at the same place because it could come across as too pushy and get you in trouble.

You’re right - There’s no point overanalysing. I think I will pull back and focus just on my job for a while and see how things go.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, TrappingWire said:

My ex and I parted ways about 3 months ago

What was the breakup about? Were those issues resolved? It seems like you would like to get back together, but is she interested in that or seeing anyone?

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, TrappingWire said:

The problem that I have is that when I text her outside of work, she barely responds and maybe only gives one or two word replies to anything I send. She never messages me first. I've sent all types of messages - fun, boring, joke ones - they all get the same little uninterested responses.

She isnt interested, move on.

If your responses come to one note answers barely just to respond, that means other side isnt interested in whatever you are selling. Sorry to say, but I dont think its worth your time to chase somebody where you pull all the weight in conversations and just on a hunch were you stayed friendly and where she needs to act friendly and professional in work environment. What you get over private messages is your real answer. So, dont pursue that further.

[TrappingWire]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What was the breakup about? Were those issues resolved? It seems like you would like to get back together, but is she interested in that or seeing anyone?

The breakup ultimately seemed to boil down to her not wanting to be committed to a relationship at that point and we were getting “too attached”. It wasn’t a messy breakup. I don’t think she is seeing anyone else.

We haven’t resolved anything since the breakup. I feel like she just doesn’t want to deal with that. I’m starting to think she’s interested in me sexually, but doesn’t want to get attached again. 

[TrappingWire]

20 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

She isnt interested, move on.

If your responses come to one note answers barely just to respond, that means other side isnt interested in whatever you are selling. Sorry to say, but I dont think its worth your time to chase somebody where you pull all the weight in conversations and just on a hunch were you stayed friendly and where she needs to act friendly and professional in work environment. What you get over private messages is your real answer. So, dont pursue that further.

If I was basing everything off messages, I’d have already moved on. However, our in person interactions are gone beyond ‘friendly and professional’. We work together, but she actually doesn’t even need to cross paths with me if she doesn’t want to. She regularly teases and flirts unprompted when I’m just going about my day.

You are right though, it’s not worth my time with way the messaging is currently going. I really don’t put much time into it now as I know what sort of response I will get. 

[Rose Mosse]

She's relegated you to at-work camaraderie only. Your story is refreshing in the sense that there is no awkwardness at work. Be respectful of her wishes not to date you and respect the break up as well. 

No, I wouldn't ask her out again. She had her chance, didn't she? Move on and date outside of work.

[MissCanuck]

She's being friendly so it's not awkward at work, but her dry texting is a very clear indictation that she doesn't want to encourage personal communication outside work. 

I don't think she is interested, and so I don't think you should ask her out. You will likely not get a positive response and then things will be awkward at work. 

[TrappingWire]

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

She's relegated you to at-work camaraderie only. Your story is refreshing in the sense that there is no awkwardness at work. Be respectful of her wishes not to date you and respect the break up as well. 

No, I wouldn't ask her out again. She had her chance, didn't she? Move on and date outside of work.

Would you not agree that flirting, playful teasing, saying I ‘look good’ is beyond “at work camaraderie” though? She looks at me and acts with me levels above everyone else at work. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, TrappingWire said:

Would you not agree that flirting, playful teasing, saying I ‘look good’ is beyond “at work camaraderie” though? She looks at me and acts with me levels above everyone else at work. 

It could be.  Doesn't mean she wants to date you.

[TrappingWire]

44 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

She's being friendly so it's not awkward at work, but her dry texting is a very clear indictation that she doesn't want to encourage personal communication outside work. 

I don't think she is interested, and so I don't think you should ask her out. You will likely not get a positive response and then things will be awkward at work. 

I guess asking her out is a risk for that reason for sure. I really do think she is genuinely interested at least to some degree though. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, TrappingWire said:

I guess asking her out is a risk for that reason for sure. I really do think she is genuinely interested at least to some degree though. 

Yes she might be attracted to you and interested in flirting with you yet not interested in dating you.

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, TrappingWire said:

The problem that I have is that when I text her outside of work, she barely responds and maybe only gives one or two word replies to anything I send. She never messages me first. I've sent all types of messages - fun, boring, joke ones - they all get the same little uninterested responses.

I'm not sure what you expect?  You are not involved anymore... and that is your workplace.  Is good that she's being respectful.

Is time you back off and just stop 'trying' with her anymore.  Don't msg her ( go No contact) and leave her be.. so you can work on accepting & moving on.

 

[Wiseman2]

Seems like all you can do is ask to go for lunch/coffee and feel the situation. Her answer and response may help you decide if it's the flirty-friendzone or if she's open too date again.

[MissCanuck]

50 minutes ago, TrappingWire said:

I guess asking her out is a risk for that reason for sure. I really do think she is genuinely interested at least to some degree though. 

If she were, she would be replying to you more enthusiastically when it's just the two of you communicating privately. I promise you. 

I'm sorry. I think you are reading too much into her behaviour with you when you're at work. 

[Rose Mosse]

19 hours ago, TrappingWire said:

Would you not agree that flirting, playful teasing, saying I ‘look good’ is beyond “at work camaraderie” though? She looks at me and acts with me levels above everyone else at work. 

No… sometimes you have that vibe with someone and being an ex, she may feel that the sex and it not working out is out of the way. She can now flirt with you without worrying it’ll be misconceived. Ie it will never be anything more than just flirting.

I’m sure she still likes you but not to date. You may not be compatible in critical ways. If you really want to find out ask her out and see how it goes. I strongly do not suggest or recommend it as she is treating you as separate from her life outside of work and doesn’t seem as interested as one would be if she wanted more out of this. Remember to keep things light and remain professional at work. 

[catfeeder]

I think you're overestimating her interest. Plenty of people are friendly, even playful, at work, but if there is no reciprocity beyond that, then that's a clear signal of her limits.

[TrappingWire]

On 7/2/2022 at 1:30 PM, Rose Mosse said:

No… sometimes you have that vibe with someone and being an ex, she may feel that the sex and it not working out is out of the way. She can now flirt with you without worrying it’ll be misconceived. Ie it will never be anything more than just flirting.

I’m sure she still likes you but not to date. You may not be compatible in critical ways. If you really want to find out ask her out and see how it goes. I strongly do not suggest or recommend it as she is treating you as separate from her life outside of work and doesn’t seem as interested as one would be if she wanted more out of this. Remember to keep things light and remain professional at work. 

I think she’d be avoiding flirting altogether as I’m clearly misconceiving it at least to a certain degree if she does indeed not want to date me again and also considering we haven’t actually talked about the breakup or seen talked privately at all since then. 

[TrappingWire]

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I think you're overestimating her interest. Plenty of people are friendly, even playful, at work, but if there is no reciprocity beyond that, then that's a clear signal of her limits.

Possibly, but I’m confident that if anyone else here seen with their own eyes the in work interactions, they’d be just as confused as me. I’m the type of person that would have to see a lot of interest before I’d believe something. I’m not one of those guys that thinks because a girl smiled at me, she wants me.

[TrappingWire]

On 7/1/2022 at 6:21 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Seems like all you can do is ask to go for lunch/coffee and feel the situation. Her answer and response may help you decide if it's the flirty-friendzone or if she's open too date again.

Well I think that would tell the tale, but I may wait for a couple of weeks at least and try and gather more information.