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Boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me because he doesn't see a future and fell out of love.


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I'm 25, my ex-boyfriend is 27. We've been having issues about the same thing for awhile. We haven't had sex in over a year because he has a really hard time finishing. While we live together, we only spend a couple of hours of quality time together. Otherwise, he's just too busy - he's working two jobs, taking on side gigs, and overall just trying to live his life as a bachelor. If I express interest in wanting to spend more time with him, he'll make it seem like I'm asking for too much and that it's a chore. But if his friends or family ask to spend time, he'll be more than happy to do that. 

When we first started dating, he said he was in it for the long run. He was very zealous and excited to make it work. But as the years went by, every time I brought up marriage to gauge his interest, he'd say he doesn't know and that he's not ready because he has way too many ambitions and goals to achieve before settling down.When I ask him what it takes for him to know he tells me he doesn't know that either. These conversations would lead to more serious conversations around staying together v. breaking up because I'll be ready for marriage soon and I don't feel like it's right for me to wait for him if our timelines don't match up. Every time we have this conversation, he always vouches for our relationship and says he'll try to think about our future more, and that's why I stuck around with him and still had hope. I recommended that we both see a therapist to work on our issues and traumas, but he kept putting it off until about a month ago. 

The past couple of months have been us having these conversations every couple of weeks to some extent. And after we returned from a week long vacation together recently - with no sex by the way - we had another argument about how he rarely tells me that he appreciates or loves me anymore like he used to. After this conversation, I suggested that we go to couple's therapy which he agreed to. But things just weren't the same after that. He was more quiet, distant, and tired. Three days later he tells me that he doesn't have hope to revive our relationship anymore. He doesn't think couple's therapy will work and wants to just end things because every time he looks at me, he feels guilty because he hasn't been honest. His therapist told him that he needed to be honest with himself and with me - and I guess that means he's been running away from the truth for months to years. During the breakup talk, he said he doesn't see a future with me anymore because our relationship doesn't make him happy - it just makes him neutral. He doesn't see or feel the romance, there's no sex, and there are other incompatibilities that he notices between us - like how he can't meet my emotional needs due to his lifestyle and longterm career goals. He loves me but only platonically - and he's accepted that breaking up means having to give up 3 years of us building a life and home together.

I've been sharing the exact same sentiments as him and have shared these thoughts with him but probably for even a longer time, but I'm still so hurt about this breakup. I've tried suggesting that we take important actions such as going to therapy but he kept running away from it until very recently. I ask him to try and think about how we can build our future together but he never has me or our relationship on his mind. He was never honest about his feelings. I feel like I've been strung along for years and now I just have to give it all up. 

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I'm sorry you are hurting. Break ups are never easy even when your relationship has been crumbling for a long time and you knew it. The actual moment of the break up still stings.

Read your first paragraph back to yourself - it's been over for awhile, at least for a year. So rather than thinking about all you invested and wanting to invest more, realize that it's time to stop wasting time on this guy. You really didn't lose much and you've gained freedom to actually meet a guy who is genuinely in love with you and wants what you want.

That said, be careful about buying into promises early on. Every relationship starts out with pink clouds and fluffy bunnies and we'll do this and have that and so on. It's dreamy and fun to talk about. However, seeing whether that will last takes time and where you need to start paying attention is more down the road, when things have settled and normal life kicks in. Pay attention to actions not words. Pay attention to the overall health of your relationship and whether it's going forward or is stalled out or even going backwards. This relationships stalled and then started going backwards. Rather than talking about counseling, learn to walk away. If you need counseling to make a relationship work, you are in a wrong relationship with the wrong man. Stop wasting your time and life on that and walk away faster.

You wouldn't keep buying stocks in a bankrupt company, so don't keep investing your time, life, and effort into a crumbling relationship where it's obvious the guy is checking out. It doesn't matter what he says....which if you are honest, he was being evasive....and rather just make a decision to cut your loses and walk away. If you are serious about wanting marriage and a family, you have to get serious about not wasting time on dead end guys. If you are not getting what you want out of the relationship, then dump him instead of waiting on him to finally get around to dumping you.

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1 hour ago, littlecherry11 said:

While we live together, 
 During the breakup talk, he said he doesn't see a future with me anymore because our relationship doesn't make him happy - it just makes him neutral. He doesn't see or feel the romance, there's no sex, and there are other incompatibilities that he notices between us

Sorry this happened. Whose place is it? Has one of you moved out? Where to? Sadly he's been coasting along. Does he do drugs, drink, cheat?

Ultimately you dodged a bullet. You're young enough o find a decent loving man who is not this messed up.

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I'm sorry.

Accept the fact that he isn't ready for a legal commitment with you.  Consider yourself lucky that you dodged a bullet because he's not as serious about you as you were for him.  He doesn't see a future with you nor does he care to have a future with you.  It's better to know now than waste more months or years on a man who just wanted you to be 'the girlfriend' and nothing more. 

He also didn't say he loved and appreciated you anymore.  It was time to go your separate ways. 

Shop around.

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2 hours ago, littlecherry11 said:

Otherwise, he's just too busy - he's working two jobs, taking on side gigs, and overall just trying to live his life as a bachelor.

Maybe dont commit a future to somebody who clearly has other priorities in mind?

He clearly cant see you in a while as somebody to get excited about. To the point he cant even have sex properly with you. If you wanted commitment there, you were looking at the wrong spot. Its OK, it happens. Just learn not to waste time on somebody like this. If you see in future that it doesnt go in the right direction, just walk away on your own. No ammount of couples therapy would fix his mindset where hejust isnt ready in general or just isnt ready to have a future with you.

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At least he was honest so give him that.  My girlfriends have told me about men who've strung them along for YEARS and they didn't know that their intentions were insincere for YEARS.  They wasted their youth on men who were very deceitful which is far worse. 

Feel lucky that you nipped this in the bud, avoided and prevented wasting more time on a man who doesn't want to build a life with you for the long haul. 

Shift your thinking and you'll feel stronger and tougher.  You are no longer naive.  Consider it wisdom gained so it was not all in vain.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Whose place is it? Has one of you moved out? Where to? Sadly he's been coasting along. Does he do drugs, drink, cheat?

Ultimately you dodged a bullet. You're young enough o find a decent loving man who is not this messed up.

I moved back to my parents' house and am in the process of slowly moving my things back. He doesn't drink, do drugs or cheat. He's a decent guy but he had a troubled childhood and just isn't ready for a relationship. Just wish he was honest about it at the start.

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38 minutes ago, littlecherry11 said:

Just wish he was honest about it at the start.

It wasn't as if he went into this knowing he didn't see a future, though. 

We sometimes realize over time that the relationship isn't right for us. It's why break-ups happen. Even if things are fun and wonderful at first, the novelty wears off after a while and then we learn if the other person is really the one we want to stick by. 

However, I do think he should've let you go sooner. His behaviour with you over the last year clearly indicates he didn't feel the same way anymore, and he should have been honest about that rather than let this drag out while you were hurting from his increasing distance. 

It's hard, but it's really best that you two go your separate ways. His heart wasn't in it, and now you will be free to someday meet a man who is nuts about you. This guy just wasn't the one you were going to wind up with. 

 

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6 hours ago, littlecherry11 said:

He was very zealous and excited to make it work. But as the years went by, every time I brought up marriage to gauge his interest, he'd say he doesn't know and that he's not ready because he has way too many ambitions and goals to achieve before settling down.When I ask him what it takes for him to know he tells me he doesn't know that either. These conversations would lead to more serious conversations around staying together v. breaking up because I'll be ready for marriage soon and I don't feel like it's right for me to wait for him if our timelines don't match up.

Right.  Your interests were not matched.

And you going on and on repeatedly about the same issue's was not making this any easier.

Sadly, he pulled away- but look at the obvious. No real intimacy going on, he was always 'too busy' for you & the relationship.  So, it was not going to succeed with just one person trying here.

I always say, life is an experience. And this was your experience with him. I'm sorry, I know you're hurt 😞 .  But, you tried... and is all you can do.

Now, yes, you do have to work on accepting this isn't working out. Take some decent down time to work through all of this and I'm pretty sure, someday you will find someone who's better for you! 

 

 

 

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My heart goes out to you. From this I would take that I will no longer invest so much in words, but rather, I'll view behaviors as the true litmus test of any relationship.

This guy's behaviors told you long ago that he was checked out. He loved you as a human being and probably hoped that his feelings would catch up to match his words, but his behaviors spoke clearly.

He couldn't give you the kind of love and interest that you deserve. You've learned to not settle for that again, because settling only wastes your time.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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