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Torn between decision of whether or not to break up.


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We've been together for three years, she cares about me deeply (I'm pretty sure), she has a good career and a daughter that I've really bonded with over the years. However after three years of being together we've still never had sex, and ever since we got back together in September (she broke up with me in August of last year and came back to me) she has been DISTANT! We haven't even made out since getting back together, we've gone MULTIPLE three week stretches without seeing each other (she works full-time, is a student, a mother and travels often) and from the way she talks her idea of sex is probably VANILLA AF. 

All that being said, the idea of breaking up with her makes me feel physically ill. I've never been a big decision maker and this one is tearing me apart. I wish I could catch her cheating so I wouldn't have to feel so bad about splitting. I tried cheating on her by getting back on Tinder and I can't.. I couldn't bring myself to swipe right on anyone let alone message them. It's like I'm stuck between breaking her heart, losing all this stability and never getting to see her kid again and being in this passionless BORING relationship that doesn't even feel like a relationship! I'm 33 years old and my clock is ticking, I feel like life is too short to be in a relationship this passionless. 

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Do you know what her reasons are for keeping you at such a distance? Three years is an extraordinarily long time not to have sex. 

What brought you together in the first place? You seem too angry and bitter to carry on the way things are. It's hard to break up and most of us bumble our way through it in puddles of tears and that's ok. 

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Just wondering, have you actually ever discussed with her why no sex has ever happened in three years? I understand some people don't want to jump into sex straight away and want to wait, but three years is a really long time. Really the main difference between a romantic relationship and close friendship is the sex and physical intimacy. Otherwise if you don't have that isn't that like just being friends?

I'm actually very surprised that if you're a sexual person, you have gone in a sexless relationship thus long. I know you think this woman and her daughter are great but something must be wrong if she doesn't want to have sex with you? Maybe she's asexual or sees you more as a friend than romantic partner? Most people want to have sex so I'm sure you'll find another nice woman that you can have thus with.

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I’m not seeing a lot of redeeming qualities to this relationship besides a bond you have with her daughter. Other than that, what exactly do you get out of this? As others have eluded to, this isn’t even a romantic relationship. It’s glorified friendship at best. Your needs clearly aren’t being met and you need to do what’s best for you. It’s not easy but part of being an adult is making these tough decisions. To be even more honest, it doesn’t sound like she’ll be devastated if you breakup with her anyway so this may be one of the easier breakups you could ask for, child aside. 

I mean, just lay out a chart of positives and negatives to this relationship. Seems like the negatives significantly outweigh the positive. 

Edited by kctiger
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Tell her about the stripper. She will break up with you when she finds about about your offer to star in the stripper's "pegging" video and your plans to try to start a relationship with her.

You were perfectly willing to walk away from this relationship if the stripper wanted to be with you, so why are you hesitating now? Your closeness with her daughter didn't seem to matter when you were trying to get with the stripper.

Besides, you and the daughter can't see that much of each other if you don't even see her mother for three weeks at a time. Offer to take the daughter to lunch and a movie every so often. Problem solved.

And if you seldom see your girlfriend it doesn't seem like she'd be all that upset if you two officially broke up.

No reason for you to continue to be unhappy and wishing you could be with someone else.

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Tell her about the stripper. She will break up with you when she finds about about your offer to star in the stripper's "pegging" video and your plans to try to start a relationship with her.

You were perfectly willing to walk away from this relationship if the stripper wanted to be with you, so why are you hesitating now? Your closeness with her daughter didn't seem to matter when you were trying to get with the stripper.

Besides, you and the daughter can't see that much of each other if you don't even see her mother for three weeks at a time. Offer to take the daughter to lunch and a movie every so often. Problem solved.

And if you seldom see your girlfriend it doesn't seem like she'd be all that upset if you two officially broke up.

No reason for you to continue to be unhappy and wishing you could be with someone else.

^ I second this post in its entirety.

Look to your own faults before making out like she's the bad guy.  Also, you must be getting something out of this "relationship" to stay for 3 years without sex.  Something tells me there's a lot more to this story than what you're telling us.  Look within.

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OP, your posting history reveals that you are not an innocent party here. 

You should have broken up (and stayed broken up) a long time ago. You are trying to have sex with strippers and now you're here complaining about your girlfriend?

End it, so you have time to relfect and, hopefully, mature. 

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Simple.  You are not happy.

Your 'needs' are not being met. 

She left you and after about a year you let her back.

Just be done and move on.. find someone you ARE compatible with.  Stop dragging this on.

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