Best way to deal with a cheater?

[TacticalLinguine]

Maybe a weird question but I was just wondering. 

Last time I was cheated on I wanted to, probably because of my ego, have the "last word" so bad. I wanted to come out as a "winner" after getting stabbed in the back, all the while hurting, crying, begging and allowing myself to be borderline tortured with the gaslighting and trickle-truthing. 

Just thinking back to that time makes me feel sick. I am single now and doing well, I'm pretty happy, but eventually I know I will get back to dating again. Considering my age (early 20s) and today's dating culture, I think being cheated on or betrayed in one way or another is very likely to happen. Perhaps a pessimistic mindset but I honestly couldn't expect more. 

I know many of you are a lot more wise and experienced than I am, so how do you deal/have dealt with those people? Thinking about it now, none of the "whys" or "hows" really matter. Cheaters cheat. I think for me personally, my ego does get in the way a lot. I couldn't believe that after all the efforts I'd made I'd get betrayed the way I did. It was a hard pill to swallow and felt impossible to accept at the time. 

Is it just an immaturity issue for me?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, TacticalLinguine said:

 Considering my age (early 20s) and today's dating culture, I think being cheated on or betrayed in one way or another is very likely to happen. 

You seem to be creating a self fulfilling prophecy. You also seem to be sabotaging your own peace of mind and happiness.

It's not about "today's dating culture". 

Only a qualified therapist can help you unpack and sort this out. With therapy you may be able to replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive and healthy thoughts and behaviors.

As long as you live in the past and drag that into every new situation, you'll be anxious and miserable.

 

 

[TacticalLinguine]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to be creating a self fulfilling prophecy. You also seem to be sabotaging your own peace of mind and happiness.

It's not about "today's dating culture". 

Only a qualified therapist can help you unpack and sort this out. With therapy you may be able to replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive and healthy thoughts and behaviors.

As long as you live in the past and drag that into every new situation, you'll be anxious and miserable.

 

 

But how is it not about today's dating culture? 

I don't know if social media has made us numb, but people in the dating scene tend to treat others quite horribly. Be it ghosting, stringing somebody along or cheating. 

It is what it is, I know I would be alright if I ever get cheated on or mistreated in other ways again. I just don't see the reason to have any high expectations. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

 I just don't see the reason to have any high expectations. 

You're convinced everyone will cheat on you. That's your skewed perception. You're too young to be this jaded and guarded from dating a couple of jerks.

Besides therapy to help normalize your self esteem, you'll have to reflect on who you date and why.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Considering my age (early 20s) and today's dating culture, I think being cheated on or betrayed in one way or another is very likely to happen.

This you?

Its kinda useless to think about stuff like that. Could it happen? Sure. But you should not condition yourself that it will. It would be bad for you to just plain expect you would be cheated. You were hurt, yes. But you were hurt by specific guy or type of it. That doesnt mean that the next one would do the same. If you are going to date you would have to have good mindset for it. That means having some trust until they prove you wrong. Having trust issues and expecting other side would betray your trust, are not exactly good for your future relationship.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Considering my age (early 20s) and today's dating culture, I think being cheated on or betrayed in one way or another is very likely to happen.

This isn't anything new. 

Cheating has always happened. It's just that in a different era, the stories weren't as widely publicized or spoken about the way they are today. Women in particular were encouraged to look the other way and accept it. So I don't think cheating is any more common today than it was in the past. It's just treated differently and people are more free to move on. 

And that's certainly not to say it's the norm. There are all kinds of wonderful, successful relationships. They're just not usually the ones who post their stories on the internet. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

 I just don't see the reason to have any high expectations. 

And with that thought you'll attract exactly what you hope to avoid.

Edited June 29 by Wiseman2

[Seraphim]

First I would get in a good mental health space before dating. Thinking that every person is a cheater is not a good mental health space for dealing with romantic relationships. 

[Rose Mosse]

6 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Maybe a weird question but I was just wondering. 

Last time I was cheated on I wanted to, probably because of my ego, have the "last word" so bad. I wanted to come out as a "winner" after getting stabbed in the back, all the while hurting, crying, begging and allowing myself to be borderline tortured with the gaslighting and trickle-truthing. 

Just thinking back to that time makes me feel sick. I am single now and doing well, I'm pretty happy, but eventually I know I will get back to dating again. Considering my age (early 20s) and today's dating culture, I think being cheated on or betrayed in one way or another is very likely to happen. Perhaps a pessimistic mindset but I honestly couldn't expect more. 

I know many of you are a lot more wise and experienced than I am, so how do you deal/have dealt with those people? Thinking about it now, none of the "whys" or "hows" really matter. Cheaters cheat. I think for me personally, my ego does get in the way a lot. I couldn't believe that after all the efforts I'd made I'd get betrayed the way I did. It was a hard pill to swallow and felt impossible to accept at the time. 

Is it just an immaturity issue for me?

Focus on meeting someone you’re compatible with and give it time to develop. You mentioned “all the efforts” you made in your past relationship/s. Instead practice more patience and watch that the person you’re dating reciprocates similar care for you.

In other words, don’t keep bombarding someone who isn’t worthy of your time and effort. You expect the same back. 

You weren’t confident enough to walk away the moment you felt with certainty something wasn’t right in the past and it still bothers you.

Work on your boundaries and respect your own boundaries when dealing with others. The main issue is you distrust yourself and the way you’ve handled people in your past. There’s room for change and improvement. 

[redswim30]

How do you "deal" with a cheater?  You break up with them.   The End.  If someone doesn't respect you enough to not cheat on you, then nothing you say post cheating is going to change their mindset or is really donna make you "feel better" about their cheating.  It's a waste of time. 

Young people care a lot about being "right", but unless you are with a like-minded individuals in the first place, you won't change most people's minds about most things, no matter how "right" you are. 

The key is finding someone with the same values as you in the first place.  And then you have to trust. 

There's never any 100% fool-proof way to know someone isn't cheating on you.  Unless you are with them 24/7.  You just have to trust that they won't.  If they aren't someone you think you can trust, don't be in a relationship with them.  If they break your trust, break up. 

 

[reinventmyself]

7 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Last time I was cheated on I wanted to, probably because of my ego, have the "last word" so bad. I wanted to come out as a "winner" after getting stabbed in the back, all the while hurting, crying, begging and allowing myself to be borderline tortured with the gaslighting and trickle-truthing. 
Is it just an immaturity issue for me?

I think you are being unnecessarily hard on yourself.  Cheating has everything to do with the cheater and his lack of character.  It has nothing to do with you.

Being cheated on brings out the worst in most of us.  We act out in ways we regret.  But it doesn't negate the cheaters actions.

No, this isn't about your ego or your immaturity.  This is about you being profoundly hurt.  The more you focus on what's wrong with you, it takes away from his responsibility.

Just give this time.  What you are feeling is normal. When you are ready consider dating, take your time and practice not get seriously involved.  You practice learning things about people good and bad.  And most of all you learn to trust yourself. 

Learn to read people and you trust that have what it takes to walk away when you suspect something is off.   Trust that no matter what, you'll be ok.

Edited June 29 by reinventmyself

[tattoobunnie]

8 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Is it just an immaturity issue for me?

I've done revenge type things when I was young.  Ultimately, the best revenge is a life well lived.  It's not the end of the world, even though it may end the dream you dreamt with them in it.  Cheating has everything to do with a person being selfish.  You may not see that now, but you can't control anyone with what you do.  A selfish person is just selfish.

[smackie9]

Most people are not cheaters and have a conscience. Serial cheaters are usually narcissistic. They feel they will play by their own set of rules, self entitled, gaslight, manipulate. That's easily picked up on. They are smooth talkers, love bomb, etc. 

Check their history. Unstable/toxic relationships, heavy drinking/drug use, poor choices, heavy baggage, type of friends, etc can leave clues. 

Look for someone who is a good communicator, had healthy relationships, respects women, very open/honest, etc. I'm not saying this will guarantee you anything but at least it's a guideline.  

[lostandhurt]

Your age has nothing to do with it so don't be so hard on yourself.

I was cheated on after 20 years together at the age of 45 and went through what you did so no your youth has nothing to do with how you feel.  Betrayal hurts.

 How do you deal with a cheater?  Cut them off as soon as you find out. Cheaters lie and then lie some more so asking questions is like begging to be lied to some more.  You see cheaters don't want to admit what a horrible thing and person they are so they justify the cheating and cannot accept responsibility for their actions.  They know it is wrong and yet they do it anyways so why after catching them would they change?  They don't.

What you can do is learn from being cheated on so you are wiser when you start dating again and get into a serious relationship. Think about all the things you ignored, the red and orange flags that were waving boldly but you didn't want to look.  These are the things you will use to weed out someone that you do not want to date but it can happen after years and years like me.

 Please don't punish the next guy for the sins of your ex as that just isn't fair so until you feel like you can trust again dating should be on hold.

I willingly trust but I also don't let flags go unnoticed either.

Lost

[SooSad33]

I agree with what was mentioned on how it;s YOU who has been negatively affected and maybe consider some prof help.

This is not how 'everyone' is out there.  I have 4 boys in the 20's now and none of them have ever cheated.  2 of them have had successful relationships for over 5 years.

IF the one(s) you've gotten involved with have been toxic, this shows they have issue's and are either still quite immature and maybe still 'playing the field'. But no, not all are cheaters.

From this experience I am sure you've learned a few things, like when to walk away or red flags.

Either way, I do hope you feel well enough to start dating again sometime.  If you need more time (which I feel you do), then take that time to work through your thoughts/feelings and get yourself back to good & see there are decent men out there.

[Cherylyn]

I don't deal.  One and done.

Or, if someone was derogatory towards me, the relationship is finished. 

Make sure your standards are extremely high.  Only associate with very moral people.  Everyone else is an automatic REJECT. 

Move on.  Be kind to yourself.  Head high.  Give yourself respect.

[Jibralta]

On 6/29/2022 at 3:43 AM, TacticalLinguine said:

Maybe a weird question but I was just wondering. 

Last time I was cheated on I wanted to, probably because of my ego, have the "last word" so bad. I wanted to come out as a "winner" after getting stabbed in the back, all the while hurting, crying, begging and allowing myself to be borderline tortured with the gaslighting and trickle-truthing. 

Just thinking back to that time makes me feel sick. I am single now and doing well, I'm pretty happy, but eventually I know I will get back to dating again. Considering my age (early 20s) and today's dating culture, I think being cheated on or betrayed in one way or another is very likely to happen. Perhaps a pessimistic mindset but I honestly couldn't expect more. 

I know many of you are a lot more wise and experienced than I am, so how do you deal/have dealt with those people? Thinking about it now, none of the "whys" or "hows" really matter. Cheaters cheat. I think for me personally, my ego does get in the way a lot. I couldn't believe that after all the efforts I'd made I'd get betrayed the way I did. It was a hard pill to swallow and felt impossible to accept at the time. 

Is it just an immaturity issue for me?

It sounds to me like you are dealing with it just fine.

1. You got out of the situation. Maybe it wasn't the most graceful exit, but you have identified where you went wrong in handling it. Since you are capable of insight, you can anticipate and modify your reactions in the future.
2. You have taken some time to be single. You look forward to dating again, but aren't forcing yourself into it.
3. You recognize how your ego can mislead you
4. You know that a cheaters cheat, and that their cheating has nothing to do with you.

One area where I think you can improve is the pessimism. This mindset is not protecting you. If you think everyone is a cheater, you're setting your bar really low. You will probably likely end up with a cheater again and again because you only look for what you recognize!

Edited July 2 by Jibralta

[Wiseman2]