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I wanted more, he wasn't ready.


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My boyfriend of 2 years, 9 months and I broke up last Thursday night.  Last October I told him I wanted more.  At that time, he said he didn't.  We broke up.  Less than 24 hours later he sent me a 2 page letter saying how he wanted a future with me, wanted to grow with me etc etc.  Fast forward now 9 months later and nothing has changed.  I have pressed multiple times to have conversations about moving forward.  He avoids it.  He finally last week told me he wasn't ready and didn't know when he would be. He said he had hoped his feelings from October would have changed but they hadn't. He says how great of a person I am, how great I am to his children and family, him, etc.  How he hoped he wasn't making some big mistake but knows it isn't fair to me to keep on doing what we are knowing I wanted more.  It was eating me up.  It was bringing me down.  I didn't want to have small talk with him anymore.  When he'd text me lovey things, I didn't want to reply etc.  He had pushed me away.  I don't feel the need to call or text or anything but I am struggling with the fact that he seems to have completely erased me from his life like I never existed. It has me feeling like I never mattered. We didn't end on bad terms at all.  I told him I wasn't mad at him, I don't hate him, he can't help how he feels.  And he doesn't have to want what I want but I don't have to wait around for him to be ready for what I want.  I guess I need support and to be able to vent and talk it out.  I have signed myself up for counseling.  Any other advice to help me thru this? 

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I am sorry, OP. 

It sounds like the writing was on the wall and it needed to end. It would be best for you to cut all contact so you can move on. 

5 hours ago, Helpmesavethis said:

I don't have to wait around for him to be ready for what I want. 

No, and you most definitely shouldn't. It doesn't appear he has asked you to do so anyway. He knows the right guy for you isn't him. 

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If I were you, I'd become very immersed and busy whether it's with work, exercise, hobbies, doing what you enjoy, surrounding yourself with moral people or family so you won't have time and energy to dwell and mope about your ex-boyfriend.

He gave you one of those "it's not you, it's me" type typical breakup stories.  I'm sorry. 

Good riddance to him.  As time passes by, you will become numb and he'll become a mere blur. 

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8 hours ago, Helpmesavethis said:

I am struggling with the fact that he seems to have completely erased me from his life like I never existed

That is kinda normal for an ex. While it hurts knowing you meant so little to them, in a way it does help you get over somebody like that faster. I mean do you really need to exchange pleasentries with somebody like that? To pretend everything is OK while you wasted 2 years of your life with somebody who is not ready to commit? No you dont. So, take that info and use it to get back on your feet faster. You are doing OK. Counseling might help you get over some stuff faster so good for you for signing.

Also what was it that he didnt wanted? Marriage and kids? Because he was already there and has kids on his own?

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9 hours ago, Helpmesavethis said:

.  I have pressed multiple times to have conversations about moving forward.  He avoids it.  He finally last week told me he wasn't ready and didn't know when he would be. 

How old is he? What, exactly, do you mean by "more"? Exclusive dating? Moving in together? Getting engaged? Getting married?

Unfortunately you were overinvested and overinvolved while he was underinvested and underinvolved.

Sadly a lot of his talk was string along talk to keep the easy status quo.

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities combined with  unhealthy attachments and lack of options.

You dodged a bullet if you have to repeatedly beg someone to be with you.

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Also what was it that he didnt wanted? Marriage and kids? Because he was already there and has kids on his own?

Commitment.   We're both in our 40s.  Both already have kids.  We saw each other on the weekends, if that. I didn't even ask for it to happen, just wanted to plan, know it was going to happen etc... 

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11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is he? What, exactly, do you mean by "more"? Exclusive dating? Moving in together? Getting engaged? Getting married?

We're both in our 40s.  I wanted to plan a future.  I didn't need any of it right away but I wanted to know it was going to happen.  I wanted a plan, a timeline, to talk about it.  We're were exclusive. 

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1 hour ago, Helpmesavethis said:

We're both in our 40s.  I wanted to plan a future.

You can plan your future without him. In fact that would be the best thing for you and your kids.

Talk to your accountant and financial planner about your future. That's smarter than including some guy who's just coasting along.

How old are your children? How is your co-parenting relationship with their father? Are they receiving regular child support?

Your BF just wants to coast along casually. He likes the status quo of that. He doesn't want to get married. That's really clear.

Stop chasing, begging, waiting, wishing and hoping. Either accept his casual dating or end it.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 hour ago, Helpmesavethis said:

Commitment.   We're both in our 40s.  Both already have kids.  We saw each other on the weekends, if that. I didn't even ask for it to happen, just wanted to plan, know it was going to happen etc... 

Ah, I see. He sounds like he just wanted somebody to casually see once in a while. So, if you want more than that, consider yourself lucky that its over. You really dont want somebody to waste your time like that. 

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it hurts no matter what.  so know that much.  Try to be better to yourself.  realize you do want and deserve better. This guy wrote that letter to string you along. That's not love. 

At 40, he should know himself better and what he wants. So at best he strung you along for two years because he's not the best guy.  At worst he is a user and a manipulator that only considers his own needs. 

Like everything, he's probably in the middle somewhere on that scale.  but you need to start thinking about what difference does it make, in your life.  

What scale are you on? Willing to give more and more of yourself for some future hope that may never happen? Just so you can pretend you're not alone? 

Being with someone that is not in it with you is the same as being alone. It's just when you need them the most, you find out you were in fact alone the whole time.  giving more of yourself, sacrificing for their comfort, being understanding... and for what? 

Study fundamental Buddhist principles about detachment. Start putting your energy into you.  That's the only way out of this.  If you do, you'll start seeing people more clearly, mostly yourself and that helps you to make better choices.

Like I said, there's no doubt it hurts and that stinks, while you go through it... but in this case, you will see, this "loss" is really a gain. 

Hang in there.  keep posting and venting.  Go to a bookstore, look at topics in the psychology and self transformation section. look for authors and books that call to you.  Understand yourself and do things that put you first.  forget that guy.  he sucks and you can do better. You just don't see it yet. 

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Two years is a short period of time. How old are your kids? Did you both talk about marriage at all in the two years? Him not wanting to remarry or marry someone doesn’t make him a bad person and two years is far too short a period to want to do something like that for a good number of people. He did the right thing letting you go. 

Don’t stay in contact even if for the kids. Cut off contact and move on with your life.

 

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14 hours ago, Helpmesavethis said:

I am struggling with the fact that he seems to have completely erased me from his life like I never existed. It has me feeling like I never mattered. We didn't end on bad terms at all.

You probably mattered but not in the way you wanted. Keeping distance after a breakup that wasn't exactly mutual is much needed, no matter which side you're on. I have people in my life I still love or care about but don't want to communicate with at all, because we slip into a bad dynamic. Don't want to hurt them or get hurt, even if I miss them. I'm not saying this is the case here but that it also happens.
 

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

To pretend everything is OK while you wasted 2 years of your life with somebody who is not ready to commit? No you dont.

Kwothe28, I wouldn't consider the time they were together wasted. Not all relationships are committed or long-term but most of them help us grow in some way. I agree with the rest you wrote.

Helpmesavethis, feeling the way you feel is normal and I'm sorry for your pain. Going to counselling is a great move. And, as others say - focusing on yourself and your next plans is the way to go. But also allow yourself to feel your feelings and absolutely vent about it.

It's good you got attached, opened for another person and wanted a future together, even if it wasn't the right one for you. Shows your heart's capacity is there, you just need a little luck to eventually meet someone on the same wavelength. The only thing to think about is how long you allow a situation that makes you unhappy to continue. Look at the other's actions, not their words. If they state something but don't follow, probably they're lying or lying to themselves in the first place. Your gut knows it, listen to it. Good luck.

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6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Two years is a short period of time. How old are your kids? Did you both talk about marriage at all in the two years? Him not wanting to remarry or marry someone doesn’t make him a bad person and two years is far too short a period to want to do something like that for a good number of people. He did the right thing letting you go. 

Don’t stay in contact even if for the kids. Cut off contact and move on with your life.

 

We knew each other 9 years prior to dating.  We're in our 40s and I think knowing/having been friends for 12 years now and dating for almost 3 is plenty of time to know whether you want to marry someone at our age.  If I were in my 20s, I probably wouldn't even consider any other type of commitment right now. Kids are preteens.  We've been no contact for 6-7 days now.  I don't have the desire to reach out to him, I'm struggling with how he can just let me go like that I guess.  It's almost like feeling rejected maybe.  

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32 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

You probably mattered but not in the way you wanted. Keeping distance after a breakup that wasn't exactly mutual is much needed, no matter which side you're on. I have people in my life I still love or care about but don't want to communicate with at all, because we slip into a bad dynamic. Don't want to hurt them or get hurt, even if I miss them. I'm not saying this is the case here but that it also happens.
 

Kwothe28, I wouldn't consider the time they were together wasted. Not all relationships are committed or long-term but most of them help us grow in some way. I agree with the rest you wrote.

Helpmesavethis, feeling the way you feel is normal and I'm sorry for your pain. Going to counselling is a great move. And, as others say - focusing on yourself and your next plans is the way to go. But also allow yourself to feel your feelings and absolutely vent about it.

It's good you got attached, opened for another person and wanted a future together, even if it wasn't the right one for you. Shows your heart's capacity is there, you just need a little luck to eventually meet someone on the same wavelength. The only thing to think about is how long you allow a situation that makes you unhappy to continue. Look at the other's actions, not their words. If they state something but don't follow, probably they're lying or lying to themselves in the first place. Your gut knows it, listen to it. Good luck.

Thank you...  I know I'm a good person and know what I bring to the table.  I'm a successful, independent woman.  I know I'll be fine, just gotta get thru it and want to right now but I know it takes time.  It just hurts he could let me go so easily and has made me feel like I wasn't good enough or what did I do wrong for him to not love me like I wanted him to.  💔 

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38 minutes ago, Helpmesavethis said:

We knew each other 9 years prior to dating.  We're in our 40s and I think knowing/having been friends for 12 years now and dating for almost 3 is plenty of time to know whether you want to marry someone at our age.  If I were in my 20s, I probably wouldn't even consider any other type of commitment right now. Kids are preteens.  We've been no contact for 6-7 days now.  I don't have the desire to reach out to him, I'm struggling with how he can just let me go like that I guess.  It's almost like feeling rejected maybe.  

I’m sorry to hear this. I agree he would know if you’re the person for him or whether he’d be ready for anything more. I’ve never wanted that kind of commitment that much myself but when I thought I might be open to marriage it happened way too easily and with the wrong person unfortunately (we are now divorced). I don’t relate to wanting to live with anyone or being married. But I do think he would have known by now if you’re for him. I understand it must be very painful. 

Yes, leave him alone and move forwards. When you’re ready to date again meet new people with an open heart. Don’t hold yourself back with this man.

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23 minutes ago, Helpmesavethis said:

Thank you...  I know I'm a good person and know what I bring to the table.  I'm a successful, independent woman.  I know I'll be fine, just gotta get thru it and want to right now but I know it takes time.  It just hurts he could let me go so easily and has made me feel like I wasn't good enough or what did I do wrong for him to not love me like I wanted him to.  💔 

I know it hurts. When I was younger, I've felt destroyed a couple of times wondering why I haven't been enough for the other person. Then I've rebuilt myself to know better - it isn't about that and never was. Someone not being able to love you and want a future with you doesn't question your personality and qualities. It's incompatibility or bad timing, etc. The best and kindest thing one can do is to let the other go when they're sure it's not going to happen. I'm sorry it took so long for your ex to realize that while you were getting your hopes up. I would count taking that much time as a major lack of introspection on his part.

I can see why the long friendship thing prior the relationship in your case makes it harder. You feel rejected both as a partner and as a friend but the truth is you can't be real friends right now. Better not be involved in each other's lives at the moment, as you may seek signs of him reconsidering things or he may try again to slip into the comfort of getting validation by you. Or worse - you may be close enough to see him moving on with other people, while you still struggle. More and more pain.
It's tricky and delays healing, you don't need it.

You're enough to be loved. Don't stay where you don't feel it. You will be fine eventually. Hope it happens sooner than you're able to see it right now.

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2 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

I know it hurts. When I was younger, I've felt destroyed a couple of times wondering why I haven't been enough for the other person. Then I've rebuilt myself to know better - it isn't about that and never was. Someone not being able to love you and want a future with you doesn't question your personality and qualities. It's incompatibility or bad timing, etc. The best and kindest thing one can do is to let the other go when they're sure it's not going to happen. I'm sorry it took so long for your ex to realize that while you were getting your hopes up. I would count taking that much time as a major lack of introspection on his part.

I can see why the long friendship thing prior the relationship in your case makes it harder. You feel rejected both as a partner and as a friend but the truth is you can't be real friends right now. Better not be involved in each other's lives at the moment, as you may seek signs of him reconsidering things or he may try again to slip into the comfort of getting validation by you. Or worse - you may be close enough to see him moving on with other people, while you still struggle. More and more pain.
It's tricky and delays healing, you don't need it.

You're enough to be loved. Don't stay where you don't feel it. You will be fine eventually. Hope it happens sooner than you're able to see it right now.

We aren't in contact and haven't been.  We are still social media friends but that's it.  And I'm about to make myself block him.  I don't think he will reach out to me and I know I won't reach out to him.  What I don't want to see is him moving on and I feel like he will do so quickly because he's the kind of guy who needs someone.... thanks for the advice, it's truly helping me.  

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11 minutes ago, Helpmesavethis said:

he's the kind of guy who needs someone....

Hello helpme, hope you are doing well today.  I saw some "shades of me" in your post and wanted to just chip in a little nugget - in case you are someone like me who is a pleaser and likes to be needed.  You said he needs to have someone and you filled that role for a while.  Please remember to NOT back burner yourself in relationships, your needs are just as valid as your partner's and while one or the other's take precedence now and again, if one of the participant's needs take priority most of the time... not fair to the other.  Good luck my dear and keep posting!  Lots of good colleagues here on the boards.

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2 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Hello helpme, hope you are doing well today.  I saw some "shades of me" in your post and wanted to just chip in a little nugget - in case you are someone like me who is a pleaser and likes to be needed.  You said he needs to have someone and you filled that role for a while.  Please remember to NOT back burner yourself in relationships, your needs are just as valid as your partner's and while one or the other's take precedence now and again, if one of the participant's needs take priority most of the time... not fair to the other.  Good luck my dear and keep posting!  Lots of good colleagues here on the boards.

I am a pleaser.  And yes, put his needs and feelings before my own. He was always stressed with work.  So AM I but I didn't want to bother him with it since he was always so stressed.  He would have a million things going on, I was right there to help but when I needed him, he wasn't there.  He always said I needed to ask if I needed him.  Um nope, I show up for you, you should show up for me... and he didn't.  These are the things helping me but also hurting.  All the times he wasn't there or did things to hurt, are helping me know why it needed to end but still stings. 

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I'm sorry, this is painful I know.

If he just called it off last week, I doubt that he has erased you from his life like you never existed.  He's likely to just be "no contact," which would be good for you to follow as well.  Best way to move forward after a breakup, though it seems terribly impossible and maybe heartless.  

 

 

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26 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I'm sorry, this is painful I know.

If he just called it off last week, I doubt that he has erased you from his life like you never existed.  He's likely to just be "no contact," which would be good for you to follow as well.  Best way to move forward after a breakup, though it seems terribly impossible and maybe heartless.  

 

 

I'm the one who broke it off technically.  I told him he had to let me go because I want more and he doesn't.  Neither of us really said we were broke up.  We've basically been no contact since last Monday and the only text before then since the 16th has been to say I'll drop this off at this time.  Nothing at all since Monday.  I get what you're saying though. I'm trying to make myself block him on social media but haven't gotten that far yet.  We're still "friends" on there... and maybe it's because I don't want to be heartless like you said above...  🤦🏼‍♀️

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I dropped off his Griddle and 2 propane tanks this morning. I didn't tell him I was coming and went before I knew he'd be up. I didn't cry or anything, just dropped them and left. He will find them when he goes outside on his front porch. He had said I could keep the Griddle but it was a gift to him and I didn't feel right having it. It made me feel better to drop it off. I feel like it's progress. I don't think I have anything else of his but if it's important or big enough that I come across something, I'll do the same. Leave it when I know he's sleeping or not there. That way there is no communication between the two of us. I know I'll be ok and I know this No contact thing is best. Just hurts and I want over it yesterday.. ugh

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11 minutes ago, Helpmesavethis said:

I dropped off his Griddle and 2 propane tanks this morning. I didn't tell him I was coming and went before I knew he'd be up.

It may be best to stop creeping around his house at all weird hours. What if the neighbors call the police? If he wants something badly enough, he'll contact you for it.

Do not trespass or deliver things in the hope he reaches out. He's responsible for his things so stop going to his house or on his property.

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21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It may be best to stop creeping around his house at all weird hours. What if the neighbors call the police? If he wants something badly enough, he'll contact you for it.

Do not trespass or deliver things in the hope he reaches out. He's responsible for his things so stop going to his house or on his property.

Neighbors all know me.  I'm not creeping around his house.  I'm returning his things.  I parked in the driveway, opened my door, sat the Griddle on his porch and left.  I didn't touch anything, I didn't snoop around etc.  It's not in hope that he reaches out.  It made me feel better to give it back.  I didn't want it for myself because it was just another reminder of him. 

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