Don’t know what to think

Confusedddd100 · June 25

As the title suggests - I don’t know what to think, I found a packet of viagra, 3 were used, hidden in a box in our bedroom draws, I’m yet to talk to my husband about them as I don’t know how to approach it? Little bit of background, he has always been very touchy feely, always in the mood, etc the last few years his interest in sex has decreased quite dramatically, I’ve bought it up gently a few times and his replies were he’s stressed at work and I’m tired, he does work long hours and I know parts of why he’s stressed at work, so I have believed him. It’s been 3 weeks since finding them, we have had sex once in that time, I’ve been checking the box randomly and he moved them - I think to his car, they were back in the draw again today and 2 and a half were missing, so he’s only taking half each time? So he’s take 5 more halves in 3 weeks yet we’ve only had sex once? I also used his car to pop to the shops today and as I got in his phone connected up as he was in the house, the display showed his call log which had a woman’s name who I have no clue who it is and it was about 6 calls, I really don’t know what to do?? I want to talk to him about it but firstly I don’t want to come across as if I’m accusing him of something, and I also want to talk about the viagra in a way that he doesn’t feel less of a man as I will support him 150% if he is taking it for genuine medical reasons. I’m so confused. Thank you to anyone who is able to help me.

MissCanuck · June 25

4 minutes ago, Confusedddd100 said:

I will support him 150% if he is taking it for genuine medical reasons.

What would those medical reasons be, except to be able to perform during sex?

The missing pills combined with a woman's number on his phone doesn't look so good. Something is not right there.

I would hold off a bit on talking to him about it, and instead observe. Watch his comings and goings more closely over the next couple weeks. Take note if any more pills go missing (when you two haven't been intimate) See if you notice any other uncharacteristic behaviour.

You might get more answers from watching him a little longer before opening the conversation.

smackie9 · June 25

Get one of those apple trackers and put it on his car find out where he goes.

Edited June 25 by smackie9

Wiseman2 · June 25

15 minutes ago, Confusedddd100 said:

the last few years his interest in sex has decreased quite dramatically, I’ve bought it up gently a few times and his replies were he’s stressed at work and I’m tired, he does work long hours and I know parts of why he’s stressed at work, so I have believed him.

How ls is he? Does he have mental or physical health problems? Does he drink a lot? Does he use/abuse drugs or painkillers?

Are you afraid he is cheating or masturbating or that he is buying dangerous online garbage rather than seeing a physician for an appropriate workup and prescription?

Do you correlate the decrease in your sex life with him having an affair? Have you asked him who the woman is? Be prepared to hear "coworker" or "just a friend".

Edited June 25 by Wiseman2

Smile4me · June 25

I would have to agree with Miss Cannuck and hold off asking him till you have more of an idea of what is going on. If you ask now he will just tell you its a work colleague etc and make you out to be in the wrong for not trusting him.

There is no harm in bringing up the subject if intimacy as this has become an issue in your relationship separate from the issue if the new woman calling him.

Look at his actions they speak louder than words. Has he got a new hobby? Is he working late more often? Are you spending less time together giving him a chance to be able to have n affair?

what actions are you going to take to try to find out what is going on with him?

Kwothe28 · June 25

3 hours ago, Confusedddd100 said:

I found a packet of viagra, 3 were used, hidden in a box in our bedroom draws

3 hours ago, Confusedddd100 said:

I also used his car to pop to the shops today and as I got in his phone connected up as he was in the house, the display showed his call log which had a woman’s name who I have no clue who it is and it was about 6 calls

see the pic

Anyway, when there is a doubt there is no doubt. He will try to lie his way out of this or gaslight you, but the writing is on the wall. The more you dig you will probably find more stuff that add up. For example credit card record. What you will do with that info is up to you.

waffle · June 26

Since you are still sexually active with him, I'd want to know if he's using condoms with this other woman.

1a1a · June 26

Maybe this can be the catalyst for ending it with him. Not just because it looks a lot like he might be cheating, but also because he’s moody and hard to approach and the sex has dropped off and he doesn’t seem to have any interest in addressing that.

Co signing the need to gather more proof though. You could do a little Bluetooth tracker, or you could leave a gps enabled phone with a SIM card in his car (this will give you more constant and accurate gps locations).

I reckon it might be time to get a sexual health check up and visit a divorce lawyer (the latter is just for gathering information for now, in case you do later decide to pull the trigger).

I’m really sorry, that’s a big betrayal when you’re partner stops investing their energy in their relationship with you and starts investing it elsewhere 😞

Rose Mosse · June 26

I don’t think there’s anything else to know. And I also don’t know why you’re so worried about offending him. He’s clearly taking Viagra for sex. What else would he use it for? To view himself in the mirror occasionally, personal visual purposes? And sex with someone else if not with you.

Added to the poor communication and lack of connection I’d explore whether the marriage is out of convenience. It seems like a sham. You both aren’t able to be open with one another.

reinventmyself · June 27

I'd tell him we need to talk and just place the viagra pack on the table and say nothing. I'd wait to see his reaction. How he approaches the subject will be telling.

. .but that's me.

Personally, I think you have enough information. I also understand opening up tinder boxes such as this has a rippling effect. We sometimes aren't ready to ask the tough questions, knowing we may need to make difficult decisions and be prepared to act on them. For that reason, you can take your time until you're ready. It's a lot to process.

I'm sorry this is happening.