Jump to content

Seventeen and not allowed to date...but a guy asked me out


MiaC23
 Share

Recommended Posts

I (17F) am a rising high school senior, and I have a twin sister (who has a boyfriend). I have always been shy and kind of been the "smarter" one that my parents tend to trust more. So to the point, a couple weeks ago I went on a service trip and one of the other students on it was a boy (18M) who had just graduated from the school. And through the three days we kinda hit it off and got really close, and on the ride back he asked me to go to the movies with him. I gladly agreed and we set up a date and time. Obviously, I was quite excited and told my sister, who was very happy for me. My mom did not seem to mind much either.

The problem is with my dad. He is very, very much against the idea of me having a boyfriend (me and the boy have just been talking so far so idek if anything will happen). According to him, the rules are different between my sister and I because I have a lot going on for me academically (AP classes, college programs, etc), and he seems to think that a boyfriend would distract me to the point where I will lose all of that which is completely untrue. For reference, my family places a lot of value on our academics and studies, but I don't think that should be my 24/7 focus. Mind you, my dad has always been very traditional and conservative when it comes to boys, but I have never seen him this upset over it. While I understand his heart is in the right place as my father and he wants to protect me, I do not believe he is looking at this reasonably. He wanted me to cancel the date we had already planned altogether just because he doesn't "think" I am ready for a boyfriend "at this time". I admit I have struggled mentally in the recent past, but I have made great progress (thru meds and therapy) and do feel emotionally ready, and I am almost an adult and historically been someone who tends to make wise decisions. He even offered reasons based on the boy's physical appearance (ie. he's a whole foot taller than me and thus intimidating) despite never having met him. When my mother and sister defended me, his argument started to fall apart and he had to grudgingly let me keep my date. 

I love my father very much, but he seems to believe that me having a boyfriend will be essentially detrimental to my future potential. He has had very strict rules concerning this topic for a while, but I think at 17 he should trust us a bit more than when we were 13. While I want to accept his judgement as I usually do, I think that I should be allowed to date just as my sister is. I think he is partly mourning the loss of his "trustworthy, low drama" child, and I don't want him to think I'm purposely rebelling against him (I'm not). While I do not currently have a boyfriend, I do not know what will happen after this date as it is clear this boy is interested in me, and as am I in him. He is a really good guy and we share the same wild sense of humor, and I think my dad would really like him if he gave him a chance. My question is, if he does tell me he wants to date which is likely, do you think I should respect my dad's wishes and decline or do as I really want? Who is being unreasonable? I don't wanna cause more family drama but me and this boy are very fond of one another. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry this is happening. While your father is a bit too strict, it seems he's trying to protect you from being taken advantage of. It won't last forever. Soon you'll be away at university and can have more freedom. Start applying to schools. 

Slowly build up trust. Always say what you mean and mean what you say. Be reliable and consistent.  Consider a summer job or other responsibilities that indicate your ability to handle yourself.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would compromise by arranging a social group including the guy.  Hopefully, your father will be assured that it's a safer environment for you.  Your father is well aware of anything happening to you and wants to protect you as most fathers do for their daughters especially if you have a bright future filled with potential.  Fathers were young men once upon a time and they're fully aware of how a young man thinks.  Not that it will happen to you, but no one wants to talk about date rape, drugging your beverages and food, taking advantage of your weakened state, being 1:1 alone with a young man taking advantage of you and anything goes.  Most people deal with it after the fact and your father is trying to make sure you are safe without risks.

I remember when I was 17 years old.  Young love is not the same as dating a real man after college.  After college, a man grows up, has financial responsibilities to survive and certain men become very picky and choosy with whom they wish to have in their lives.  You'll weed out the bad apples and growing up means you value high moral character, minimal risks with a man, safety first and most of all, trust and reliability which is tantamount.  I'm not the same, immature lady I was at 17.  As you grow up some more, you look at men and life through a wiser, shrewder lens. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

maybe you can see if your dad meeting the boy and having him socialize with the family will help? 

I understand you love your dad and want to please him etc and maybe he is coming from a good place.  However, he is handing this very poorly. Maybe your mom and sister can help you reason with him?

We cannot shelter a children so much from life and hurts. At 17, he's instilled his guidance and values in you.  Now he has to trust that you can and will make good decisions for yourself.  We don't own our children.  We raise them to leave us and have their own lives. 

I would try to talk about how his lack of trust hurts you,  as well as the double standard and the fact that he is making this about him.  

It's a tough decision and situation but you will be 18 soon enough and he needs to start deciding what that future looks like.  is he part of your life and decisions or is he on the outside looking in? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 6/25/2022 at 2:52 AM, MiaC23 said:

I (17F) am a rising high school senior, and I have a twin sister (who has a boyfriend)

It's so bizarre that your parents allow your twin sister to date and have a boyfriend, but yet you are not allowed to.  Makes no sense at all.  What's good for one should be good for another (imo).  Either BOTH are not allowed to date/have boyfriends, or BOTH are allowed to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

While I understand your dad's intentions, it is very cruel to treat two daughters differently like this. In your sister's shoes I would feel like the "black sheep" or the "disappointment" of the family. Is she doing okay?

Have some talks with your mum and see if you can, once again, openly approach your old man and have him make it make sense. When I was a teenager, despite my parents' disapproval, I made the decisions and mistakes that taught me important lessons and gave me the tools to cope with difficult choices today. You will never be 17 again, next to your studies you should also be allowed to live life! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 6/24/2022 at 12:52 PM, MiaC23 said:

 I have struggled mentally in the recent past, but I have made great progress (thru meds and therapy). he had to grudgingly let me keep my date. 

Perhaps he sees you as more vulnerable because of mental health issues. No 2 siblings are alike. 

He acquiesced, so you got your way after a slight struggle and help from your mother and sister.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...