"So you're grown now you got d*ck in you?" My dad's reaction to me dating for the 1st time at 26.

[Lookingforadvice7777]

I’ll try to keep this short.

-- I lived at home until 25. 

--Wasn’t allowed to date in high school and barely in college. (Though, a busy schedule and no asking suitors never gave me the opportunity to anyway.) 

--Wasn’t allowed to have sex. Parents were afraid of me bringing home secondhand sex fluids and didn’t want sexually active adults in their home.

I dealt with this for years, until a bubble of realization popped in me, realizing how much experience I didn't have and wanted. This + other reasons made me find a job, save up, and move out 1+ year ago.

I’ve been dating since then. It’s startling to go from never holding hands before to dating, but I would say I’ve done well so far. I met one guy who I really liked, but it ultimately didn’t work out. Because I still love my parents and want to tell them about my life, I told them about this guy. I’m also sure they gleamed this was a sexual relationship as well.

My reveal at a family brunch about this guy was met with:

--My mother *trying* to be respectful and supportive, but asking a litany of nervous questions about him for weeks afterward, along with several requests for them to meet him. (I said no — too early for Meet the Parents.) 

--My dad deflected with jokes and changed the topic quickly.

Some time later, I met the guy I’m with now, the one I love to bits. I'm getting real close to him, to the point I think a family meeting is in order. Told my parents this...same reaction. This time, more weirdness from my dad. He seemed more bothered, though he still accepted to meet.

Leading to now. I had a phone conversation with my dad where we started arguing about something totally unrelated. To which he threw in the comment:

**“Don’t think you know everything now, especially because you got *** in you and now you feel like you’re grown and you don’t have to listen to common sense.”**

This, on top of previous comments made by mom, insinuating that her and my dad want me to be safe and have concerns about me being with so many men at my age. (Keep in mind, sexually, it’s only been 2, which I don’t think is that much? The rest have been get-to-know-you coffee and restaurant dates that didn’t fruition to much.)

At first, I was pissed but the comment didn’t bristle me in particular. He’s said similar things before. But thinking about it lately, it seems a tad ***ed up to me, and how my parents have been reacting overall. Why are they reacting this way? Should I go through the Meet the Parents meeting?

Welp, I couldn’t keep this short, but any advice anyone could give is ‘ppreciated.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Lookingforadvice7777 said:

To which he threw in the comment:

**“Don’t think you know everything now, especially because you got *** in you and now you feel like you’re grown and you don’t have to listen to common sense.”

It's great you moved out on your own. Keep your love life and dating life to yourself.

Was your father always verbally abusive and vulgar?

Stop seeking parental approval. That's the final hurdle in breaking free from their weirdness. Of course therapy would also help you identify abusive family dynamics and how to break free from that.

[melancholy123]

Stop telling your parents things about your life, especially guys you are dating.  Your father was crude and out of line and should not be saying things like he did.  That's just ignorant.

I'd skip that Meet the Parents thing for now.  You need to break free from them and live your own best life.  They have made you afraid to do that and you have to figure out how to accomplish it.  

[mylolita]

Hey Looking,

 

Repulsive and inappropriate language from your father - quite disgusting! Ideally you would be able to tell him that to his face and to not talk to you like that. Along the lines of, I won’t be spoken too like that. Wash your mouth out, I’m leaving.

 

But, I understand parents sometimes think they can treat their grown children as if they are still 12 years old and living under their roof. He has shown you no respect or support, therefore, he doesn’t deserve your respect either! 
 

I would, for the meantime at least, get on with your life, do as you feel best as a grown woman completely independent of them. How dare they! Your sex life or any other aspect of your adult life is frankly, none of their business! 
 

See how they’d feel if you started discussing their sex life! Along the lines or, maybe your preoccupation with how much I’m getting and how and when is suggesting you don’t get ANY! And totally creepy, to boot!

 

Carry on and keep contact to a minimum, at least until they can give you the respect and space an adult woman deserves!

 

Sorry if my response seems harsh towards them but, I am horrified by your fathers language and your mothers attitude!

 

x

[Lambert]

Sounds like you'd like a normal relationship with your parents, which is totally understandable.

The problem is they are completely inappropriate. What are they saying, they don't want you to find a partner and have a family of your own? 

And your father's comments are abusive, vulgar and irrational. 

The only hope for a normal relationship is for them to change. Which is completely out of your control. 

They probably don't see the dysfunction they have subjected you to. I applaud you taking care of yourself, building your own life with practically zero guidance. The answer to their concerns for your health was not to prevent you from dating even into your college years. 

This is very extreme behavior and I think you should talk to a therapist on how to navigate any relationship with them.  What they did was abuse and they're views are hazardous. Do you have siblings? 

 

[MissCanuck]

That is a horrible thing for a father to say to his daughter. 

I would absolutely not bring this guy to meet your parents at this point. Your dad needs to learn to behave like a mature adult before he meets anyone in your life. Until then, I would not share any details about your personal life with him 

[reinventmyself]

I am so sorry.  I wouldn't bring your new guy to meet the parents.  Dad is unpredictable and inappropriate.

At the same time, I would consider telling them why they won't have the privilege of meeting your new guy.  Their concerns might be in the right place, though very much extreme and questionable in their reasoning.  But you're a grown woman and you can set some boundaries and tell them how these crude and intrusive comments about your personal life make you feel and why you wouldn't want to expose your guy to this.  At some point one would hope they realize they are missing out on being a part of their daughter's life and might reconsider how they speak to you. 

It's a long shot, but nevertheless it's about time you set boundaries and tell them how you feel no matter the outcome.

[Rose Mosse]

Firstly, is this a long distance rl? You mention bringing it up at a family brunch and then afterwards say that you met this guy you’re with. Second, be more discerning about what you bring up at a family gathering. Your father’s reaction is disrespectful and uncalled for.

You know how they are and they’re not going to change. These people are old enough to have produced you, given birth and raised you. Stop looking for their approval. This part please address. The moment you cease needing their approval is when you don’t feel the need to overshare anything about your personal life. 

How long have you been dating this guy? No, do not introduce him to your parents. It sounds too soon. Learn to fly under the radar and don’t advertise what’s going on in your life. Enjoy the family brunches and keep your private life out of it. 

 

[Seraphim]

That comment from your father is crude ,tasteless and gross. I would skip telling them about the dating part of your life and probably forget meet the parents because it would just be weird. 

[SooSad33]

Well, it sounds a little like the parents are finding it hard to 'let go'.  But they need to.

You really don't owe them anything! You are a grown adult now!

They have no choice but to work on accepting the facts!  Their daughter has grown up.

In time, if they don't give it up, maybe consider telling them to back off and give YOU some respect.  If not, I would not be letting anyone go meet them 😕 .

 

[catfeeder]

I'd ask Dad whether that's the kind of language I should expect from the men I date.

[mylolita]

11 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'd ask Dad whether that's the kind of language I should expect from the men I date.

Excellent! Sums it up perfectly!

 

x

[smackie9]

Lying helps in these type of situations. Appease them with lies, and things will calm down. Just play along. Basically it's none of their business whether or not you are having sex, so don't tell them about it.