Jump to content

My mother strikes again


Alex39
 Share

Recommended Posts

My mother strikes again. I've been feeling super happy. Working on myself, eating healthier,feeling so positive about myself. I just did a big clean up of my house. It feels great to get rid of some old stuff. I'm trying to forge my own life as a single woman. 

I'm trying hard to pay off some debt that I have. And I saw this great part time job pop up. Every other part time job that I see,is hogging up your every weekend. This job was a few nights after work during the work week. So I could do my regular job then this to make some extra money. 

I did cheerleading my whole life. Over 20 years in childhood and in college. I was a part of a big gym. I did some teaching cheerleading after college and did some dance teaching too. 

Finally in 2019, I hung up my cheering hat. But I think of it often and always wish it was back in my life. I'm now 31, but I still know the moves, terminology, good cheering and such. Can I do a back hand spring anymore, no. So this job is teaching cheer to kids at a cheer gym. I thought wow, maybe I can do this. I mean I did it for 20 years. I used to choreograph cheer routines and I did lessons from age 3 to 18 at a gym, then in college until age 22, then did some teaching until age 26. So the pandemic hit and I was stuck at home. I didn't keep up with it. I gained some weight. But I know cheer competitions, as I did them myself. I know the cheer world. Most of my instructors couldn't do a split anymore or a big jump, but they could teach it. 

So I applied. I hyped myself up and I was like "you can do this" 

I was so excited. They called me and said they were interested and had me fill out another paper thing. Now I wait. 

I told my mom about it. I was so excited. Her reaction- well you should probably try to look the part. 

I was like what does that mean. Her response- Well cheerleaders wear little outfits and you've gained weight. 

I told her that most of my teachers wore all black outfits, yoga pants and t shirts. She was like, well you don't look like that anymore. 

She proceeded to crush my positivity by telling me how I don't look the part and I've been out of it too long. I proceeded to tell her I've done it my whole life and I know the terminology and such. She proceedes to criticize saying that I've gotten injuries and I can't properly teach when I get injured myself. I told her teaching is all about safety. I got injured when I had no coach or assistance. She downed me asking "when's the last time you took a cheer class"

All she did was make me feel insecure and stupid for thinking I could do this. 

I told her to stop and that I didn't want her opinion and that she should be boosting me up not tearing me down. All she said was how she was just being honest. 

She downed me for my weight, for my few years break from cheer, for not looking the part, for not being as flexible anymore, for not being able to do the moves. I reassured her that I can teach and I know cheer. She questioned me at every turn. 

She pretty much broke me down. I was so excited and confident and now I feel like a fool. I cried and cried after. 

I pumped myself up because I was insecure about them hiring me, and now I feel defeated. I'm considering even pulling out my application from this. 

All I needed her to say was that she was proud of me and that she believed in me. That I could do it. She said everything the opposite. I don't know what to do. I told her that if they didn't like the way I looked, then they wouldn't hire me. But maybe she's right. Maybe I should just pull out now. I am so sad. I really thought I could do this. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just knew you were going to say your mother jumped you in a negative way.  I'm sorry that happened.

I hope you go to the interview and get the job, you sound like you could do it and your enthusiasm shines thru.,

In the future dont tell your mother these things as you know she's only going to rain on your parade.  I had the same type of mother, so I get it.  Tell a supportive friend instead.  You can tell your mother after you land the job, if you even feel like it.  I'd be inclined to keep it a secret.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, melancholy123 said:

I just knew you were going to say your mother jumped you in a negative way.  I'm sorry that happened.

I hope you go to the interview and get the job, you sound like you could do it and your enthusiasm shines thru.,

In the future dont tell your mother these things as you know she's only going to rain on your parade.  I had the same type of mother, so I get it.  Tell a supportive friend instead.  You can tell your mother after you land the job, if you even feel like it.  I'd be inclined to keep it a secret.

I just don't know why she does this. I told her I was so excited and my enthusiasm was there. Then she just ruined my mentality 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Alex, when you're on the phone with someone and they're insulting you, just hang up. 

If they call or text you and lash out - just block them.

People, especially the people we love, need to know you aren't going to stand by and just take their abuse.

I learned this lesson at a young age... not sure if you consider mid-20s young ha. But when I was in my mid-20s, my older sister picked me up for work - we carpooled every morning to work. I don't know what was her problem that morning, but she's always had some days where she just had to take all her on frustration and anger and direct it at someone... I was her target that day. I was stuck in the car with her for 40 mins, she was driving and going on and on about how much of a failure and disappointment I was in life. I was balling. When she got to a red light, I should have just stepped out but instead I sat there crying, letting her belittle me - literally just knock me down for things I've done wrong since I was a teenager. I went in to work with puffy eyes and a terrible sniffle from just crying hard for 40 mins.

After that incident, I never carpooled with her again and she never did apologized. I realized that people you love will always be a certain way and you just accept that. What you don't accept is emotional abuse from anyone, and when they knock you down but try to spin it as "just being honest" - you hang up/leave or you try to find a way to navigate it so you don't have to hear their insults but still maintain a relationship. My navigation was to not carpool with my sister again.  

Next time your mom does this, hang up or just cut her off and say "Lets change the subject." However, what I think you really need to do is just don't talk to your mom about something you know she will judge you about because you have clearly seen she doesn't like that you gained weight. This is a her problem and not yours. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Also I'm sorry your mom was terrible to you today. You don't deserve that. No one does.

My mom is the same way when it comes to weight and will make a lot of weight commentary to topics of discussion and me and my sisters just roll our eyes. We aren't big girls but medium-sized but from her country, we would be considered big bone and plus size females and that's not attractive in her country.

I recalled thinking how sad to grow up and believe there is only one way to be an attractive woman. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you want to do it, go for it and ignore whatever your mother says.  Pay your bills, teach cheer leading and have fun.  You have experience and will make a great mentor for your students.  Don't pull out.  Live your own life. 

My relative recently graduated from college as a cheer leader with an impractical degree.  I asked her mother if her daughter will have a career and she said that her daughter might do more cheer leading  post college.  It makes me wonder if her daughter will ever enter the adult world of serious employment?  It's time for her daughter to hang up her pompoms and grow up.   She has another daughter and both of them were raised to get their "MRS" degrees instead of becoming financially independent.  🙄

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

43 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I just don't know why she does this. I told her I was so excited and my enthusiasm was there. Then she just ruined my mentality 

According to other posts you have made about her, she's sadly always been like this. 

She doesn't treat you well. She is critical and rude and demeaning, and frankly, sounds like a bitter and emotionally abusive woman. 

Proceed with the interview, and follow your passion. Lean on others to be your biggest cheerleader, because you won't get it from her. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

54 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

I just knew you were going to say your mother jumped you in a negative way.  I'm sorry that happened.

I hope you go to the interview and get the job, you sound like you could do it and your enthusiasm shines thru.,

In the future dont tell your mother these things as you know she's only going to rain on your parade.  I had the same type of mother, so I get it.  Tell a supportive friend instead.  You can tell your mother after you land the job, if you even feel like it.  I'd be inclined to keep it a secret.

I am so self conscious. I am a bit chunky now. So maybe they will look at me and be like - a cheerleading coach? I wasn't even thinking of my weight when I applied. I even told my mom that I thought this would be a chance for me to get up and move more and lose the weight. But now I'm scared. If she's right then I'll be sad too. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You don't actually have to do flips and jumps anymore, correct?  If not, you don't have to have a lithe cheerleader's body. 

I remember my P.E. teachers were a bit chunky yet they still taught class.  I doubt this needs to be a criteria for you. Use your experience and impart that to your cheer leading students.  Don't be self conscious about your appearance. 

Stop telling your mom so much otherwise she'll criticize you.  Go about your own life, your way!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You don't actually have to do flips and jumps anymore, correct?  If not, you don't have to have a lithe cheerleader's body. 

I remember my P.E. teachers were a bit chunky yet they still taught class.  I doubt this needs to be a criteria for you. Use your experience and impart that to your cheer leading students.  Don't be self conscious about your appearance. 

Stop telling your mom so much otherwise she'll criticize you.  Go about your own life, your way!

Yeah, I'm still going to try it out. I feel honestly like she was bullying me. It was actually so crazy. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Yeah, I'm still going to try it out. I feel honestly like she was bullying me. It was actually so crazy. 

Do what makes you happy.  It's not your mother's business. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I feel honestly like she was bullying me.

She was, which seems to be a pattern for her. 

As we have said before, it's high time that you put space between you and your mom. You will be happier for it. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Some people are designed like that OP. Meaning to bring you down with everything you say. Sometimes they do it on purpose to hurt you, sometimes its just how they are and think they are "helping you" by being opened to you. For example, you could say how you dont drink enough water and she would went on a tyrade how you should lose weight.

My point is that its pointless with people like that. They will always bring you down no matter what you say, whether its on purpose or because they think they are doing good to you. Friends like that, you can just not hang out. But with family its kinda complicated. So, learn to brush it off. You know you are good enough for a job and they actually called you back. So, doesnt matter what she says when you know you are good enough and actually proved that you are.

Edited by Kwothe28
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

All I needed her to say was that she was proud of me and that she believed in me. That I could do it. She said everything the opposite. I don't know what to do. I told her that if they didn't like the way I looked, then they wouldn't hire me. But maybe she's right. Maybe I should just pull out now. I am so sad. I really thought I could do this.

Sorry to hear that your mum is treating you like she doesn't believe in you, in your capabilities. I relate because my mum can be the same way at times. It hurts, but I know it's not intentionally done as she's even harsher on herself. Perhaps your mum is overly critical of herself as well? Maybe she was also criticized when young?

Anyhow, the point is that whatever she thinks of you isn't who you are. It's just her opinion. You are wonderfully talented! Not everyone is skilled at cheerleading. I'm certainly not, and that's okay. But you know the moves. So why not embrace it and give this fabulous part-time job opportunity a go? Wishing you all the best! and please tell us how it went. 🙂

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I told my mom about it.

I was like what does that mean. Her response- Well cheerleaders wear little outfits and you've gained weight. 

That was a mistake. You need to be more independent. Stop running every single thing past your mother.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I just don't know why she does this. I told her I was so excited and my enthusiasm was there. Then she just ruined my mentality 

My mother was the same and I dont know why.  Never any encouragement for anything I felt excited about.  So I learned to not tell her anything.  Some people are just negative and cant stand to see another person happy.  My brother had a PhD in psychology and he had no answer for her negativity.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm really sorry she rained on your parade. Was she a "dance mom" to you when you were in cheer? So -if I wanted to hire a personal trainer right now (I don't - but I've seen some around) I'd "notice" if the trainer was very overweight and/or smoked cigarettes or was drinking sodas while working with me - but otherwise no I wouldn't care/scrutinize as long as what she was telling me to do and teaching me what to do seemed professional and what I otherwise couldn't do myself (whether moves or motivation or techniques, etc).  I also had PE teachers who were good and not thin.  So? If you have the professional knowledge and expertise based on your years of experience, go for it.  Reality -it will be like getting back on a bike right - you'll feel a little awkward/wobbly/stumbly at first but it will all come back especially since you are so motivated!!

I had a friend like your mom - it was so hurtful.  Because we'd known each other 35 years plus by the time I cut wayyyyy back on our interactions.  I finally got a part time job I loved after 7 years out of the workforce raising our son.  I was 50 and nervous -like you (meaning you are 30 but nervous about the time gap).  I also was nervous about arranging for child care and how my son would react, the logistics, finding the right place that had room for him.  Anxious! 

She -childfree- single -said something obnoxious like "I don't understand why you're worried about child care - many of my friends work full time and have had their kids in day care for years and it's no big deal." 

That was the last of the straws -that and her rude comments about how part time work wasn't a "real job" because there were no health benefits.  She later apologized for the child care comment. But it was too much, I was done. I get that you can't cut off your mother as easily but you know better than to expect her to react with enthusiasm in this kind of situation.  Right?

When I was in my 30s my mom was so worried about my ticking biological clock.  She really was awesome but on that subject she sometimes went too far.  She said some comment about it once about my aging eggs and I said "mom I have to go my eggs are just too tired" - and she got the message. 

And my mom still -I am 55! - will worry if I look too thin, if I say again that no I don't snack on a handful of nuts like she does (she tends to be too thin) - or if she thinks I'm not eating enough generally.  She's my momma.  She's late 80s.  It's all about balance -would I let a friend make as many comments? No it likely would be too annoying but it's a balancing thing -overall she is awesome.  I trust her genuine intentions.  I love her to the moon and back.  I'm not cutting her off because she tries to get me to eat more. 

She didn't cut her parents off because when she was a 40 something mom her dad would say "look both ways when you cross the street" from their house to ours. 

Alex- you know this is  grossly imbalanced relationship and dynamic - cut back on your interactions.  And good luck with your new side gig -it sounds incredibly awesome for you.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey Alex,

 

Like so many others have said, I’m sorry you had to go through this response from your own mother. 
 

As a mother of two daughters myself, I couldn’t imagine how horrible it would make me and my daughters feel to put them down about appearance, weight - goals! It would be like shooting a puppy. You were so excited and full of hope.

 

Well, Y’know what! SOD HER! Time to get angry! Yes, she’s your mother, but who does she think she is! Is her body perfect? Her life, perfect? What gives her the right to sit there, tear you down, criticise you? You should be damn proud of yourself! Who the heck can do those gymnastics anyway?! I don’t know anything about it but as someone who did pole tricks and is an ex pole dancer, I thought even that was hard for body strength. Cheerleading - next level. So tell her, respectfully, to shut her mouth, because she doesn’t know what she’s talking about! 
 

Ignore her! You can do this! The best way to push through this is keep going, keep trying! Don’t give her the satisfaction of seeing she got too you!

 

Instructing is a funny thing. The people doing it have normally been there, done that, worn the t-shirt. People don’t expect them to be in peak form anymore. Think of the ballet teacher. Normally an elderly woman. Someone going to expect her to be throw about by a male ballet dancer before they take her seriously? No! She did all that when she was 22! 
 

Boxing instructors - think Prince Nazeem, one of the best ever light weight world champions. He could lay you low in a coma with one punch, most people, even now. He could coach and teach like no other. He’s grossly over weight. Do we think because he’s put on some mega beef he suddenly doesn’t know what it is to be world champion and knock out the best?!

 

You are 31. A woman’s body changes. You are not a little kid anymore, not a pre-teen. Women get hips, ass, a bust. Healthy women store extra fat naturally on their hips and butts and thighs, away from their heart. It’s so they could breastfeed or get through hard times in the wild. It’s evolution, and it’s an extremely attractive sign of fertility. 
 

You got some curves? So what! You can still move, you can teach, you know your stuff. 
 

Her criticism is a bad reflection on herself. If you wanted, you can loose the weight. What is harder to loose is a horrible personality, a bad attitude. 
 

I look at cheerleaders and their moves are like gravity defying black magic. I was and am still a dancer and I bow down too you!

 

So kick her ridiculous comments to the curb! And tell her next time, you don’t appreciate being spoken too like that. You deserve better. And if she can’t support you or be happy for you, then she shouldn’t say anything at all! 
 

x

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

We don't get to pick our parents.  As a result many are just human, some flawed.  It's common for aging mothers to become jealous of their daughters youth.

It's the little girl in us that is always a part of us that is conditioned to seek parents approval.  But now as young woman, you need to resist that urge knowing your mother isn't likely going to give you that encouragement you are seeking.  It's disappointing, for sure.  But accept who she is and learn to be your own cheerleader and instead call a good friend who will support you.

I'm sorry.  Just know you aren't alone.  It's pretty common.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What I have discovered over the years is if you don’t want an opinion from your parents you don’t tell them. Discriminate in what you share. As my mom says if you share with me you’ll get my opinion if you don’t like my opinion you should’ve kept your mouth shut. But I’m always going to give my opinion what I feel is best and you don’t have to like it I’m your mom not your friend. 
 

Share less. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My mom can be defeatest to me as well. It has gotten better as I stopped telling her about some things.  It took a bit of her finding out after the fact and she asked why I didn't tell her and I kept silent.  I think my dad told her about the defeatest attitude she had towards me and trying new things.

As for gaining a few pounds, I have seen a lot of cheer coaches that were not all that thin.  What they did have was know how, like they were a cheerleader and taught it and did a standout job.

Also Go, Alex, Go!  That was my cheer for you to go for the job!  I hope you get it and can impact lives in the process!!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, RelaxByWater84 said:

My mom can be defeatest to me as well. It has gotten better as I stopped telling her about some things.  It took a bit of her finding out after the fact and she asked why I didn't tell her and I kept silent.  I think my dad told her about the defeatest attitude she had towards me and trying new things.

As for gaining a few pounds, I have seen a lot of cheer coaches that were not all that thin.  What they did have was know how, like they were a cheerleader and taught it and did a standout job.

Also Go, Alex, Go!  That was my cheer for you to go for the job!  I hope you get it and can impact lives in the process!!

Haha! Excellent advice! 
 

x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So many posters here sadly saying the same thing about critical, negative parents!

 

I can voice the same complaints too!

 

Nothing seems good enough and there is always a problem; even in paradise!

 

Would be interesting to turn that critical assault in on themselves wouldn’t it! We all wouldn’t dare hardly criticise our parents but trust me, I am sure everyone has plenty of material!!!

 

x

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You were smart to recall the dress and limits required of your past cheer coaches, so you already KNOW that you can do this job--and you'll do it well.

None of my phys-ed or tumbling teachers looked like perfect specimens. Even the heavier ones were well loved and knew their stuff, just as you know yours.

While it's unfortunate that your Mom is projecting her own insecurities on to you in a habitually harsh and ignorant way, you may want to remind yourself that everything good that you've done or enjoyed has been in spite of her--not because she was motivational.

Based on this and a prior post, I'd make the deliberate decision to stop confiding in Mom anything that you'd hope to be encouraged about--her well is long dry. 

My Mom fell into a critical habit, and one day I said to her, "Mom, I adore you, but if the cost of confiding in you continues to be harsh criticism, you'll be hearing a lot less from me going forward. I'll continue to love you, but that cranky tone needs to be loved from far away." Then I kissed her and smiled, and I said, "Let's lift one another UP, okay?"

We've had a good relationship ever since.

Head high, and you've got this!

Edited by catfeeder
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

So now I feel in a bind and a bit confused. I filled out the application. Was moved to the next phase. Then they had me film an application video. So I did that. Then she had me come in for an in-person interview. I did that and did well. This to me, is really excessive for a cheer gym part time job. I was a bit surprised. 

Then she mentions how she may want me to teach some cheer classes as tester classes to see how I'd do. 

I said sure and acted excited. Upon going home though, she didn't mention if they were paid or not or any other details. Again, also still feeling like this is excessive. She lead me to believe she wanted to be there to see my teaching skills. You've seen my extensive resume, my interview video, my actual in person self. Seems like a lot already for just a part time job. 

Now she sends me an email to schedule the tester classes, but they really aren't testers at all. She's asking me to cover three classes one week while she's on vacation, and she thought it would be a good first me to test it out. 

Now I feel just like a fill in substitute. 

I'm so conflicted about what I'd like to do. Do I want this job? 

My best friend mentioned getting into bartending on the weekends for weddings and such. Sounded like a good deal too. You make good tips and it's a no brainer job mostly. 

I guess I'm a bit turned off from the gym? Am I over reacting?

What do I do?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...