Partner gaslit me after I was sexually harassed by his friend in front of him

[yaddayadda]

A while ago, I found myself briefly hanging out with my partner, his friend, and that friend's group of friends. They had all been drinking. One of the friends suddenly made a very loud comment about what he'd like to do to me in front of the whole group of people. I went into a freeze response, and no one else said or did anything to address that individual's behaviour towards me. My partner turned to that individual, kind of smiled, waved him off, and then continued his conversation with his other friend. Thankfully I haven't had to interact with that individual since that moment. 

I addressed this with my partner a few days after, and he went into full defensive mode. He started saying that he intentionally did not drink enough to forget anything that happened, and that he remembered everything that happened that night. But he did not remember that individual making that comment. He followed up with: "Wow, it seems like you often hear things I don't, have you noticed that?" He used a few examples to further make me sound like I'm either crazy or a liar. 

This isn't the only situation in which he defended his friends for behaviours he condemns in other people. I'm at a loss for what to do right now, especially because since last night, I'm in a position where I have to address something disrespectful  my own friend said to him. I'll of course do it. But it feels like a lot of unreciprocated labour on my part. 

[Lambert]

why are you even with this guy? 

[1a1a]

Do you want a partner who doesn’t validate your experiences or empathise with you?

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, yaddayadda said:

 I found myself briefly hanging out with my partner, his friend, and that friend's group of friends. They had all been drinking.  I went into a freeze response, 

He followed up with: "Wow, it seems like you often hear things I don't, have you noticed that?"  

Sorry this happened. How old is your BF? How long have you been dating. 

There's a few things going on. One is you need to stand up for yourself and leave if people are rude to you. Two, don't hang out with his drinking buddies. And three, your BF doesn't respect you.

Step back and reflect if your BF is compatible with you. Learn to stand up for yourself rather than "freezing" and get up and leave rather than continue to hang out with a bunch of drunks.

[Kwothe28]

12 hours ago, yaddayadda said:

I addressed this with my partner a few days after, and he went into full defensive mode. He started saying that he intentionally did not drink enough to forget anything that happened, and that he remembered everything that happened that night. But he did not remember that individual making that comment. He followed up with: "Wow, it seems like you often hear things I don't, have you noticed that?" He used a few examples to further make me sound like I'm either crazy or a liar. 

 

Classic gaslighting. Its easier to make you crazy then if he had to create a drama by having to defend you in front of his friend. Like this, you are left confused but situation didnt escalated for him. 

I am sorry, but even you know that you shouldnt be disrespected like this while your partner does nothing. He doest have consequences of his actions. You are still there, knowing that he gaslights you, even having to handle the same situation but with role-reversal where your friend said something to him. He doesnt respect you and he certanly wont do it after you let him off the hook while you adamantly defend him in front of your friends. So just leave before you dig yourself even further with somebody who doesnt have basic respect toward you.

[Batya33]

Wow I'm so sorry this happened to you.  You know it happened and he also does. He doesn't have your back whether this comment was sexually harassing or bullying or whatever.  How often do he and his friends drink this much?

[Rose Mosse]

When you hang around poor company and disrespectful people in general you may find yourself pulled into their crap. It seems it’s not just your “boyfriend” but your friend who can’t hold their tongue. 

Why are you around these people? 

[Lambert]

Questioning whether you should defend your boyfriend, even though he doesn't defend you, is really just highlights the quality of your relationship 

[smackie9]

So it seems like a double standard. If it hasn't happened since it's dead, and shrug it off. If this is an on going thing, then you may want to reassess this relationship and the type of people you associate with. 

[Jaunty]

He sounds like a bottom feeder.  You can do better.

That said - and this has nothing to do with his own part in your situation - you obviously have issues with advocating for YOURSELF.  Regardless of what your bf did or failed to do, you let yourself down right there.  Stick up for yourself when things like this happen.  It's empowering.

I'm not even wrapping my mind around what type of situation you've encountered with your friend where need to "defend" your boyfriend.  Let him take care of himself if his feelings are hurt.   

[HeartGoesOn]

You're wasting your time and lowering your value by listening to his excuses, etc.  His actions already spoke the truth, and there's nothing more you need to see/hear.

In short, raise the bar as it can do wonders.

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry you were gaslit.  I've been gaslit more times than you can count.

I no longer deal with gaslighters anymore.  If I know a person's historical, typical gaslighting pattern and I can't avoid them (relatives / in-laws, for example), I greatly minimize social interactions at all levels permanently. 

If I can permanently eliminate gaslighters from my life, I will.

Since your partner practices gaslighting you, it will not stop here.  Gaslighters gaslight because they're good at it and they'll use it as their arsenal forever.  The real question here is how much longer are you willing to tolerate your gaslighting partner?  He'll do it again and again and again ad nauseum until YOU learn how to control your life meaning choosing only very moral people who deserve to be in your life. 

Gaslighting is dirty psychological warfare game which you'll never win.  You'll lose every time.  Get off this ridiculous merry-go-round (carousel) and only be with people who know how to treat you with dignity and respect. 

I was in a situation and I deferred to my husband.  He had my back and shut the perpetrator down.  That right there is a real man.  Anyone else?  They're worse than the dirt underneath your shoes!

[catfeeder]

On 6/23/2022 at 8:03 PM, yaddayadda said:

I'm in a position where I have to address something disrespectful  my own friend said to him. I'll of course do it.

This makes no sense. He's a grown man, capable of addressing his own relationships.

Back to your issue, what's the context? Is BF usually caring and attentive, or is this one more incident of many?

If he's typically a great BF, I'd give benefit of doubt. At parties I've often had difficulty hearing people or understanding them over music. So I might have smiled to be polite, but I had no idea what they said--and I didn't know them well enough to care or pursue it.

If this is typical of BF, I can understand venting, but then, what do you want to do--stay with him?

 

 

Edited Saturday at 11:09 PM by catfeeder

[hub49]

This is a hill to die on.  BF should've had your back.  Because he didn't, I'd tell him to take a flying leap.  Since he's so loyal to the drinking buddies, let's give him much more time to hang out with them.

[JoyfulCompany]

14 hours ago, catfeeder said:

If he's typically a great BF, I'd give benefit of doubt. At parties I've often had difficulty hearing people or understanding them over music. So I might have smiled to be polite, but I had no idea what they said--and I didn't know them well enough to care or pursue it.

 

 

Okay, even if he didn't hear what was said, "Wow, it seems like you often hear things I don't, have you noticed that?" is a pretty harmful response, innit? Where's the respect in: a. not believing your partner and b. making them feel they're making up stuff regularly? Disgusting. Sorry OP, something's fishy here. This shouldn't be considered as extra "labour" but "respect 101" in a relationship.