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I [18M] developed feelings for a [39F]


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So a good friend of my mother's is visiting from overseas for the month and I've always been pretty chill with her, I see her more of as a friend as we get along pretty well.

However I regrettably started to develop feelings for her, and I think its probably because of the fact that I've only had guy friends, no female friends. I tried to get with one girl in high school but it was a failure. This person is essentially my only female friend, and I always enjoy talking to her.

I jokingly asked her if she would marry someone 20 years younger than her and she said no, which admittedly made me feel pretty bad and made me tear up a bit once I was alone

On one hand I want to admit my feelings to her and perhaps try to change her mind somehow and tie the knot in a few years potentially but not only do I fear rejection, but I fear ruining the relationship between us and making things severely awkward.

But on the other hand its come to a point where its become unbearable and makes me feel like a pathetic loser who probably won't ever find a life partner and I want to somehow try to move on from this since its very unlikely anything can happen between us.

I've also been considering to stop talking to her altogether once she leaves and cut her out from my life, remove her from my contacts (though we don't talk much through text anyway) to try move on from this, but then the issue is that she's very close with my mother and that she supposedly considers me her best friend for whatever reason.

But I also fear missing her too much once she leaves.

What do I do? 

(also I apologize if this comes across as creepy, I honestly never wanted things to pan out this way and I hate myself for that, though these feelings has given me motivation to improve myself as a person (as I am pretty lazy in general), but its probably unlikely I can get with her)

Sorry once again in advance

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2 minutes ago, VictoryBlaze said:

friend of my mother's is visiting. I want to admit my feelings to her and perhaps try to change her mind somehow and tie the knot in a few years.

It's ok to have a crush, but she's your mother's friend so it's inappropriate to say anything.

 Join some groups and clubs. Take some classes and courses. Volunteer. Get involved in sports and fitness. Get used to talking to girls.

Get on some dating apps and start messaging and meeting girls for a low key coffee.

 

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IMO, there would be something really mentally off with a person, male or female, who is 39 and would entertain dating someone who is 18.

That's why she answered the way she did. Something that you will understand when your brain is fully formed, which usually happens at around age 25. Your idea that you will never find a partner in the next sixty or more years of your life is also a sign your brain needs maturing.

If this lady considers you her best friend, yes, for your own good, I'd let her know your goal is to start hanging with people your own age, so you will no longer be available for regular communication. (She might like the ego boost you're a fan, but it's doing more harm than good for you.)

What are your career/education goals? If you'll be starting college, this is the time a lot of people meet the most single people in their age group. Join a club or two you can be passionate about, and you will meet likeminded people. And don't immediately ask out a woman. You have to gradually get to know them and see if you see clues she'd say yes if you ask her out.

Ask your guy friends if they have advice/constructive criticism. Are they witnessing something about you you could improve? Hair/wardrobe makeover? Practice in social skills/conversational skills. Too thirsty/desperate demeanor?

Perhaps, therapy could help if your self-esteem is down the tubes. You won't meet a quality person until you feel good about yourself. Take care.

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51 minutes ago, VictoryBlaze said:

but not only do I fear rejection, but I fear ruining the relationship between us and making things severely awkward.

You would probably do both by confessing it to her, so, no. 

You are probably fixated on her because of no other prospects around. Meaning that, in lack of other girls around you, you are seeing her as a prospect. Which is not really good for you. You are at the critical age where you should be flooded with prospects. You have school that is probably filled with girls, you said you have friends so I assume you are going out and see some girls at places in town etc. Now its a time for you to meet not one, but a lot of them. Talk to them, maybe see if you like some of them, all that stuff people your age do. And you are "wasting it" on some MILF fantasy. Which is just that, a fantasy. Not something achievable in a way you want it. Well, except if you are a President of France lol

Anyway, expand your network. Meaning make it your mission to talk to some girls. In school, when you go out, any opportunity you get. Just talk. Would it be easy and will you have success? Probably no. But you will get the gist and actually meet some prospects. And it will help you to accomodate with talking to girls in general. And who knows, maybe even meet some who would like you back.

Edited by Kwothe28
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3 hours ago, Andrina said:

IMO, there would be something really mentally off with a person, male or female, who is 39 and would entertain dating someone who is 18.

I totally agree. If any 18 year old approached me like this confessing "feelings" .... omg, NO. For me he's still very much a kid and it's just ewww. No, No, No. Um, just ...NO.

Also, this is your mother's friend, so that in itself would really be very inappropriate (imo).

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It's your mother's friend. Have you told your mother about this?

If not, why not?

That would be exactly why you'd best keep this crush to yourself until you outgrow it. It's not a bad thing to have a crush, but part of maturity is learning the difference between emotions and behaviors.

Not every feeling we have is something to act on. 

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It's normal to develop crushes, OP. 

However, you should not act on this one. She will not reciprocate your feelings. I'm just a little older than her (41), and I can tell you that I don't view teenagers in a romantic way. To me, they're still kids. That's no disrespect to you, but the age gap here is too much. 

7 hours ago, VictoryBlaze said:

I want to admit my feelings to her and perhaps try to change her mind somehow and tie the knot in a few years potentially

Why the need to go from zero to sixty? This mindset will hinder your dating life in general. It is important to get to know who you're dating before deciding if you want to spend your life with that person. 

7 hours ago, VictoryBlaze said:

makes me feel like a pathetic loser who probably won't ever find a life partner

Again, you're very black-and-white in your thinking. Just because a much older woman isn't interested in dating you does not mean you will never find someone. You're still very young with your whole life ahead of you. 

You're not creepy to be attracted to her. But this is just not a realistic scenario. It would be best to keep this to yourself and delete her contact. 

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1 hour ago, VictoryBlaze said:

But on the other hand its come to a point where its become unbearable and makes me feel like a pathetic loser who probably won't ever find a life partner and I want to somehow try to move on from this since its very unlikely anything can happen between us.

This is a thought distortion and you shouldn't let it dictate what you do. 

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Yes. Please stop talking to her as much and hang out with other young ladies. Calling you her best friend sounds creepy. You do not sound creepy. In fact it sounds like you’re easily influenced by her creep factor. You’re a lot younger so fears about not enough friends, not feeling accepted, being alone are prevalent. 

I am concerned though that her response could bring you to tears. Is there a possibility you may be anxious and depressed? Why not have a chat with your GP or doctor? Don’t keep isolated.

Also make an effort to join local interest groups. I think some people thrive being solitary and others not so much. Most of all I think you’re desperately afraid no one wants to be with you (low self-esteem). Do things that motivate and boost your confidence. You’ll never find that in another person. That’s a you job.

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On 6/23/2022 at 5:16 PM, VictoryBlaze said:

I jokingly asked her if she would marry someone 20 years younger than her and she said no, which admittedly made me feel pretty bad and made me tear up a bit once I was alone

On one hand I want to admit my feelings to her and perhaps try to change her mind somehow and tie the knot in a few years potentially but not only do I fear rejection, but I fear ruining the relationship between us and making things severely awkward.

Yeah, I'd say awkward 😕 .. this is your mothers friend.  And I for sure would NOT be into my friends son. ( try to think on this...).

 

On 6/23/2022 at 5:16 PM, VictoryBlaze said:

I've also been considering to stop talking to her altogether once she leaves and cut her out from my life, remove her from my contacts (though we don't talk much through text anyway) to try move on from this, but then the issue is that she's very close with my mother and that she supposedly considers me her best friend for whatever reason.

Yeah, go for it!  No reason for you to have your mom's friend on your friends list.  I don't have mine on there either.

You're just lonely and you're still a teen.  You really need to step back and get hold of yourself over all of this... I feel it's just some fantasy going on in your head you need to over come.

I had a good looking uncle & thought he was cute is all.. No way would I have wanted or expected anything with the guy. lol.

Yes, is time to back away and let your mom carry on her friendship. And you move on with your life. Give it time to fins yourself a real relationship with someone much closer to your own age, etc.

 

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It's okay to have a crush on someone older.  I can see what you'd find appealing in a woman of that age.  I just turned 49 and I couldn't imagine being romantic or sexual with someone who is 18-29 (just throwing out a range, here) because that woman would be young enough to be my daughter.  She might look very nice but I don't feel an attraction.  It may be the same with you.  She just mentally can't get there as much as you might want her to.  It's not a bad thing.  You will have much more in common with women closer to your age.  Be young, have fun, date around.  The great thing about being your age is that it's easy to meet people your age.  Once you graduate, get a job and you're navigating the real world, it becomes more challenging.  

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