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Confused about his feelings


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Last week, I (20F) had the courage to bring up my feelings towards one of my close guy friends (20M). What confuses me about all of this is all the different answers he gave me during different times. At the beginning of the conversation, he said he did have romantic feelings for me, but sometimes only platonic as well. But it is complicated for him on his end because of various other factors, which I completely understand. While I was still with him, he concluded to not take things further because although he did have feelings, he said he is not in a position or not capable of liking someone (his words). After we parted ways, he called him to ask if we would like to hang out one on one to figure out his feelings. I am a little confused after this because of his answers ....i don't know how to explain why it is confusing to me and because he is a close friend, I would like to ask you guys to help for me and for him. Thank you! 

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6 minutes ago, taromilktea said:

At the beginning of the conversation, he said he did have romantic feelings for me, but sometimes only platonic as well. But it is complicated for him on his end because of various other factors. 

Yes it's confusing. Make sure you are not hanging out in the friendzone if what you really want is a BF or that he offers FWB, now that you confessed your feelings, if what you want is a BF.

It seems like he would prefer to stay friends. What various factors are "complicated" for him? Is he in another relationship?

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5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What various factors are "complicated" for him? Is he in another relationship?

No, no haha, he said something like financial factors and his previous relationships. He was saying how he rushed in when he didn't know much about the person. my possible explanation was how he wants to use the one on ones to know more about me so he can decide, but I'm not too sure.

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11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

In my experience, a roundabout answer like this is really a prolonged "no." 

 

you think? I don't think he would have called me to hang out one on one to figure out his mixed feelings if he said during the initial conversation? 

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47 minutes ago, taromilktea said:

my possible explanation was how he wants to use the one on ones to know more about me so he can decide, but I'm not too sure.

You are young, so sorry to say, but this is not how it goes. People who want to be with you would be with you. They dont need additional time to decide. They wont string you along, sell you BS about how they are not capable of liking somebody or be in a relationship and stuff like that.

My guess is that he doesnt. Or if he does, he has only one thing in mind. For example, does "hang out one on one" includes his home? Or its a date thing?

You are young and probabaly have a crush on the guy. So its understandable that you are grasping at straws and trying to keep the hope. But what he said to you, its just not something that you would say to somebody that you have intentions to be with. If he said that he is not capable of relationship, believe him. Dont make it out that you would change that. So, my advice is: RUN! Far away from that before you get hurt more.

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1 hour ago, taromilktea said:

you think? I don't think he would have called me to hang out one on one to figure out his mixed feelings if he said during the initial conversation? 

If he wanted to date you he would have asked you out on a date especially once you gave him the huge green light.  He is trying to let you down easy by blaming it on being "confused"  - he might be attracted to you and like you and he is not interested in dating you right now.  That is what you would want, right -you don't just want to hear he is attracted to you and likes you -you want to know if he sees potential for you two dating and potentially seriously, right? He doesn't. 

If he did even a bit he would have been thrilled and/or already would have asked you out on a date.  I am sorry you are disappointed.  He may not be available to date anyone but prepare for him to start dating or looking to date someone else.  It will be less upsetting. Again, I'm sorry!

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46 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If he did even a bit he would have been thrilled and/or already would have asked you out on a date. 

yeah, that's true. he did call one of our mutual friends after to ask for help on what to do and that friend told me he did sound kind of excited and anxious because he was too focused on the other factors that might affect it, but again I don't know. I'm also not sure on the date part because he used the term one on one. but yeah, I'm definitely being cautious on my own end. I also don't think he have any ill intentions because we've been friends for so long, but everyone had fair points. Thank you!! 

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You’re welcome!  I promise you when someone is available to date and wants to date you you won’t need a long conversation.  It will be very short  - a few sentences - if you are both on the same page and want to go on a date. 

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5 hours ago, taromilktea said:

yeah, that's true. he did call one of our mutual friends after to ask for help on what to do 

The right guy for you won't need to consult any third parties, OP. 

He will know he likes you. This one, I think, feels as though he should like you because you're good on paper - but he just doesn't really have those feelings for you. 

I'm sorry. I can nearly guarantee that this will be a waste of your time. 

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20 hours ago, taromilktea said:

After we parted ways, he called him to ask if we would like to hang out one on one to figure out his feelings.

Obviously he has more in mind than meeting to "figure out his feelings."  I'd tell him you'll instead be happy to meet for coffee, and watch him run.

It pays to read between the lines.

 

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IMO, is usually best to NOT get involved with friends.. It usually ruins all of that in the end 😕 .

Also, the way I see this is he is NOT emotionally available for you.  Sounds like he's still 'stuck' elsewhere.  Then I wouldn't even go there,( If I were you..),  for risk of getting emotionally attached and he wouldn't be.

So, maybe it's best that you think of yourself & your friendship and don't look at him any other way - if you want to keep the friendship you've got with him now.

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His excitement stems from having a fan. An ego boost always feels good.

You say he's a close friend, so what more would he have to learn about you?

It's common to have close friends of the opposite sex at your age, but as you enter a serious relationship, your new bf won't appreciate you hanging with your "close" guy friend who you would've wanted more from if he'd only been into you.

And your friend's new gf will give him an ultimatum that he has to stop hanging with the woman who obviously has a crush on him, and he will drop you faster than a hot potato.

Best to start distancing yourself from this friend. Many friendship aren't slated to last a lifetime, and this is one of those instances. You won't like that advice, but as you'll learn for many things in life, when you think you're having bad luck, it turns out that you'll later thank your lucky stars things went the way they did.

Take care.

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