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Really wanna ask her out, but can't date right now


jjmufc88
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I had an unexpected night out with a girl who I kinda know the other night (we used to work together)

We had a lot of fun together and ended up making out a few times. 

She's probably wondering why I've not tried to set up a date with her, I really want to but I can't really date anyone for a while. 

I have some personal problems to deal with at the minute that are a little embarrassing (so I can't exactly tell her the full story), this will probably take a couple months... and then after that I'd love to start dating her. 

I've no idea what to do, should I ask her out but simply tell her I need to wait a little while first?

Alternatively I could just wait a couple months before asking her, but that'll probably seem like I'm just asking her as a last resort 

Edited by jjmufc88
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Whether or not you’re ready to put yourself out there to date is something only you can know for yourself. If don’t want to/not ready right now, then you’re not. If and when you are, there will always be plenty of single, available women for you to choose from. I wouldn’t be concerned about this particular one. 

Edited by jul-els
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You can send her a message telling her you had a great time and would love to see her again. But, you are currently unable to date due to a personal reason. Would she be okay if you reached out afterwards/at some other time and asked her out again? If, ofc, she's available then.

Basically communicate and let her know your deal. You might change your mind 2 months later and meet someone else. Who knows. But at least this would be your closure and a respectful way of turning her down for now.

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I don’t think you need to say anything but I don’t know how old you both are. If I enjoyed some time with someone  and nothing came of it, it would be a bit obvious to me that something isn’t ok with that person’s personal circumstances if the chemistry was on fire.

She may already know you’re not able to date and as a result won’t be having any expectations at all. She may not even want to date you or see you that way. 

If you want to express yourself, go ahead but it wouldn’t be necessary imho. How can you be sure your personal circumstances will improve in a couple of months? What if it’s a couple of years instead? 

 

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Its a really big "cop-out" and not fair to her. Because "Yeah, you know, I would ask you out now but I got some things to sort out first so maybe in a few months" is just giving her a false hope. Nobody should wait for you for months to ask them out. If and after you sort things out, then contact her if she is available and ask. To do it now with no real intention to ask her out for real nore time table when you are gona be able to do it is just irresponsible. If you are not able to date, you are not able to date. When you are, then try it.

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2 hours ago, jjmufc88 said:

She's probably wondering why I've not tried to set up a date with her, I really want to but I can't really date anyone for a while. I have some personal problems to deal with at the minute that are a little embarrassing

What could be so horrible that you two can't go for coffee or a drink?

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20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What could be so horrible that you two can't go for coffee or a drink?

I would like to do that but, going by some of the things she was saying / doing the other night, I'm pretty sure she'd wanna sleep with me asap if we started meeting up... and that's not something I feel up to right now

...

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51 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its a really big "cop-out" and not fair to her. Because "Yeah, you know, I would ask you out now but I got some things to sort out first so maybe in a few months" is just giving her a false hope. Nobody should wait for you for months to ask them out. If and after you sort things out, then contact her if she is available and ask. To do it now with no real intention to ask her out for real nore time table when you are gona be able to do it is just irresponsible. If you are not able to date, you are not able to date. When you are, then try it.

I didn't say anything about me expecting her to wait for me, I dunno what makes you think that

I'm pretty sure she has other dating prospects on the go and I'm fine with that, I just wanted to let her know I'm interested. 

I could wait a couple months but then it will probably just look like I decided to date someone else instead of her 

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32 minutes ago, jjmufc88 said:

I'm pretty sure she'd wanna sleep with me asap if we started meeting up... and that's not something I feel up to right no

Don't look for hookups. Just ask her out on a real date. Then you won't have this anxiety about hooking up. You have to start slow rather than catastrophize thinking you have to take her home and perform. Unless you're in jail/living in your car what's the big deal going on some dates?

Edited by Wiseman2
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As a person on the receiving end of a guy wanting to date but then saying he can't, just leave her alone.

When you are ready to date, you can decide to ask her out. Don't muddy things up or put your confusion on her. 

As Yoda says, do or do not. there is no try.

If you say anything, it just makes it hard for her to know to wait or to date someone else that actually asks her and is ready.  

If you care at all for a person you want what is best for them.  Not you. 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't look for hookups. Just ask her out on a real date. Then you won't have this anxiety about hooking up. You have to start slow rather than catastrophize thinking you have to take her home and perform. Unless you're in jail/living in your car what's the big deal going on some dates?

I'd happily do that but I don't get how I could put off sleeping with her for so long?

It's basically more of an embarrassing health problem I currently have (nothing sexual related) and don't feel comfortable sleeping with anyone at the minute... and cant see that changing for another 1–2 months

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44 minutes ago, jjmufc88 said:

t's basically more of an embarrassing health problem I currently have (nothing sexual related) and don't feel comfortable sleeping with anyone at the minute... and cant see that changing for another 1–2 months

What if you go out with her and get to know her and then when the sexual topic comes up, you let her know your status? At least you would be getting to know her in the meanwhile.

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My friend's husband told her after they met at a bar that he would call her in I think it was a month -he'd recently ended a relationship and was still tying up loose ends.  He did call.  If this has to do with a health issue that you fear is contagious or precludes sexual intimacy for now just tell her that and get to now her by dating and being physically affectionate and romantic as appropriate.  It's fine if she wants sex and it's fine if you tell her you're not available for that right now.

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1 hour ago, jjmufc88 said:

It's basically more of an embarrassing health problem I currently have (nothing sexual related) and don't feel comfortable sleeping with anyone at the minute... and cant see that changing for another 1–2 months

Have you seen a physician? Hopefully it clears up. In the mean time date her and don't take your clothes off so quickly. 

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So your options are:

Disappear for 2 months and then contact her again hoping she is single and willing after you ghosted her OR

Meet her for coffee and break down your current situation.

  It may be embarrassing or an uncomfortable conversation but she will find out sooner or later if you do start dating seriously right?

Be brave and tell her what you told us here.  People will surprise you with understanding. "I really like you and would love to go on some dates and get to know each other better but I want to be upfront that I would like to wait a few months to be intimate"  Then clue her in as much info as you feel comfortable letting her know. 

In the long run this could be a good thing because you keep your mind clearer because sex if off the table for a bit. A lot of people wait to be intimate, if you are worth it in her eyes she will wait.

  The actual conversation will be easier than the fear of it you have imagined in your head.

Talk to her

 Lost

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3 hours ago, jjmufc88 said:

I'd happily do that but I don't get how I could put off sleeping with her for so long?

It's basically more of an embarrassing health problem I currently have (nothing sexual related) and don't feel comfortable sleeping with anyone at the minute... and cant see that changing for another 1–2 months

Are you sure the condition will clear up? A month isn't a long time, you could tell her you're really busy for the coming month but would like to see her after that, if she's available. If the condition will be ongoing you might as well be honest, otherwise you might miss out on many great opportunities out of fear how people will react. 

Edited by bluemax44
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40 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

So your options are:

Disappear for 2 months and then contact her again hoping she is single and willing after you ghosted her OR

Meet her for coffee and break down your current situation.

  It may be embarrassing or an uncomfortable conversation but she will find out sooner or later if you do start dating seriously right?

Be brave and tell her what you told us here.  People will surprise you with understanding. "I really like you and would love to go on some dates and get to know each other better but I want to be upfront that I would like to wait a few months to be intimate"  Then clue her in as much info as you feel comfortable letting her know. 

In the long run this could be a good thing because you keep your mind clearer because sex if off the table for a bit. A lot of people wait to be intimate, if you are worth it in her eyes she will wait.

  The actual conversation will be easier than the fear of it you have imagined in your head.

Talk to her

 Lost

Thanks, i can see your point but realistically I think this would be overkill and she'd probably find it a bit strange, like 'why is he telling me all this when I barely know him'

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26 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

Are you sure the condition will clear up? A month isn't a long time, you could tell her you're really busy for the coming month but would like to see her after that, if she's available. If the condition will be ongoing you might as well be honest, otherwise you might miss out on many great opportunities out of fear how people will react. 

Yep, very confident it will clear up probably in 4-6 weeks

I like the idea of suggesting meeting in a month or so yes... and if she's no longer available then I'll just have to accept it. 

But at least it would show my interest without having to go into a very awkward & in-depth conversation with someone I hardly know 

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8 hours ago, jjmufc88 said:

I had an unexpected night out with a girl who I kinda know the other night (we used to work together)We had a lot of fun together and ended up making out a few times. 

If you can do this, you can go on a few dates.

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I'd ask her out to things that are more active and engaging than hanging out. I'd enjoy myself with her, I'd be affectionate, and I'd choose the right opportunity to tell her that I really like her, so I want to take things slow.

In other words, turn it into a compliment.

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I'm seeing this as more of a confidence issue than availability or willingness to see her. As much as it'd be great to suggest a date and refrain from anything sexual, it's inevitable that the truth will eventually spill out if you're both caught in the moment. 

I'm more of the mindset that if you don't feel comfortable at all about yourself or have that confidence, just focus on yourself until you do feel ready. While you're agonizing about whether or not to ask her out she may not be interested in dating you at all or perhaps you're somewhat correctly deducing that she's not that interested in you and just in it for the make out sessions and sex. 

The bottomline is you know very little about her so either sh*t or get off the pot, so to speak. Try not to invest a great deal into this just yet and remember that you are a nice human being who deserves to be with someone of your choice whenever you real ready. There is no pressure to be with her or anyone else if you're not feeling it right now.

 

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So it's a condition that is not sexual in nature but can only be seen when sex is imminent, and it's "embarrassing" but again nothing to do with sex . . . but you are unable to have sex til its gone?

Any woman with an IQ approaching average is going to think you are lying to cover up an STD.  When I was young I remember some guy trying to BS me with "I was running through the woods and got some poison ivy on my upper thigh."  Turned out he had genital herpes and was having an outbreak.  I'd wait til this condition clears up and avoid this awkwardness, with her or with someone else.  Six weeks (if that's the actual timeline) is not all that long.  It can be done.

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17 minutes ago, waffle said:

So it's a condition that is not sexual in nature but can only be seen when sex is imminent, and it's "embarrassing" but again nothing to do with sex . . . but you are unable to have sex til its gone?

Any woman with an IQ approaching average is going to think you are lying to cover up an STD.  When I was young I remember some guy trying to BS me with "I was running through the woods and got some poison ivy on my upper thigh."  Turned out he had genital herpes and was having an outbreak.  I'd wait til this condition clears up and avoid this awkwardness, with her or with someone else.  Six weeks (if that's the actual timeline) is not all that long.  It can be done.

I always waited months to have sex -often 4-5. So if she wants to get sexual early on simply say the truth "I don't have any STD but I do have a health condition where it would be awkward for me to have sex right now.  I am hoping it resolves soon and I've been told it will."

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